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ADVICEConcern about SO drinking (self.RedPillWomen)

VintageVee が 投稿

Hello ladies. A sensitive topic but a brief one.

I'm concerned with how much my SO drinks. He is a big man and never appears "drunk". His behaviour doesn't change. My concern is purely for his health.

He drinks 2 bottles of wine on a Friday night and 2 on a Saturday night. If it's a bank holiday that also happens Sunday. He may have a bottle or two during the week on one night. He has half the week wine free. He doesn't drink around my children, he doesn't drink drive, his personality is the same. He has some pre existing health issues for which he should limit drinking. He's mid 40s. There's a 20yr age gap and we are seriously talking of a future - obviously I will outlive him, more than likely. I'd rather not be a carer or widow before absolutely necessary and my understanding of consuming this much alcohol is that it's a matter of when, not if, it catches up to you physically.

Should I, and if so how do I, bring this up? He says he's not "proud" of his drinking but he does enjoy it. The last thing I want is to control or nag. I am concerned and it could be a deal breaker. We have been together just under a year but only in the last month have we started seeing each other a lot more - half the week. He's never hidden his drinking but when he said he was having "a glass of wine" during the week when we were apart I took him at his word. It is actually a bottle or two.

On nights he's had more than 2 glasses of wine we can't have sex. Advice appreciated - I don't know if this is my place, or to what extent.

Edit extra info: he volunteered at Xmas that he would cut down drinking after new year - he hasn't. I never asked him to and I have never brought this up with him. And for reference , I drink 1-2 bottles of wine per week. Usually 1.

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[–]Littleknownfacts 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

He is a grown man, he knows the health risks associated with drinking and wants to do it anyway. Nothing you can tell him is gonna make him suddenly realize he's drinking too much, probably because he already knows and just doesn't care.

If he's not being violent or belligerent or embarrassing when he drinks, he's doing better than most alcoholics (not saying he is one, but that seems to be what your post is hinting at). Why risk discourse in your relationship for something that may or may not happen in the future? Hell, maybe he will get hit by a bus before liver disease gets him.

Obviously you can leave if you really think it's a deal breaker, but you've agreed to date him this long so it's not fair to him that all of a sudden by your standards you decide that he drinks too much.

[–]VintageVee[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you for your reply. I agree to a large extent. I was unaware the extent of his mid week drinking until a month ago really so that's what's tipped minor concern over to real concern.

I'd rather not bring it up - there's no way it can sound not controlling. Everyone has a flaw or two - I guess this is one of his? I can't say I've really seen any others and I know I'm lucky as he is a very good man. I want this to be a non-issue if I can.

[–]disposablady 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

You say he never "seems" drunk, and that his behaviour doesn't change when he's drinking. If this is true, then that is a good sign.

Has he ever been in trouble with the law over the drinking (i.e., a DUI, cited for public intoxication, etc.)? Has he ever had to miss work because of his drinking?

If the answers to those questions is no, then that is also a good sign in that it is somewhat under control. In that case, I would suggest leading by example, and cutting back your own drinking. You say you drink 1-2 bottles per week, but really, that may be unhealthy in itself and certainly gives the impression that you're comfortable with drinking to an extent which may not reflect how you actually feel. Maybe even avoid that glass with dinner, or whenever you would normally drink, and if he asks explain that you want to be more healthy. This shows that you see the importance of limiting alcohol to benefit your health, and he may use this to bring up a discussion about his own drinking. You can express in that sense your concerns about how unhealthy it is--if he asks--without judging, trying to control, or nagging.

If you express your concerns in a non-controlling way, and he wants to continue as usual, it will be up to you whether or not this is something you want to put up with, or if you should walk away.

[–]VintageVee[S] [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Thanks for your reply. The answer to all those questions is no. He's very much in control. Of everything and especially of himself. He's never even raised his voice to me even during infrequent arguments. He's never been in any kind of trouble with the law. He's got a good job and takes it seriously. He never has a hangover. He's an exceptionally tall and broad, bulky man and I do wonder if that is the reason he can drink what really is a lot.

Re my drinking, you're right I will lead by example and I will cut down. I used to drink more before I had children and most weeks I will just have the one bottle over the course of a weekend, J regularly have none at all for a week or two and occasionally I'll have the two bottles over a weekend, say Xmas, birthday, etc. I don't drink more than I'm comfy with. Meeting him hasn't changed that in fact I'm even more conscious of being relatively sober and in control of myself. I don't like being drunk, only tipsy, and I get terrible hangovers so it's never worth it.

[–]vegancigarette [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

From a social perspective it's a good thing that he doesn't get belligerent or DUIs. However, if someone can drink 2 bottles of wine and still appear "normal"/not drunk, that suggests a serious tolerance and I'd be worried.

OP your partner may be hiding even more drinking when you are apart. I'm a 5'9" female (average male height in America lol) and I'd be wasted if I drank a whole bottle of wine, let alone 2. He unfortunately is suffering from alcoholism if he downs bottles of wine and can act normally.

If he's in his 40s it's unlikely to change, and he probably won't change because you ask him to (he already hasn't). He probably thinks he knows better than you since he's older, but it doesn't take experience or genius to know that drinking multiple bottles of wine to yourself a week is unhealthy alcoholism.

[–]ChickenWhisperer76 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Love him how he is or leave him now. You aren't married and don't share children.