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loss of interest in wife (self.askMRP)

RPNoober が 投稿

My biggest concern about this whole process is that now that she's off the pedestal I find it really hard to talk to her. Almost everything she says sounds like childish nonsense or it's a repetition of something she's told me a thousand times before. The complaining has gotten better (or I just ignore it better), but I find myself questioning why I would spend so much time with this person. Anyone else have similar thoughts? Does this get better? Thanks dudes!

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[–]Veritas76 5ポイント6ポイント  (14子コメント)

I am basically at the same spot.

Mrs. Veritas is not at the pedestal anymore and my oneitis is almost gone.

Now when I look at her and I feel almost disgust. She is watching shows, Facebook and other social media all the time.

However I think it is more of my own projection. I am disappointed by the fact I did not see it before and by fact I waste portion of my life.

I think it takes a little bit of time to get through. The final goal is true independence where I do not care at all.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 6ポイント7ポイント  (11子コメント)

You recognize she reflects you correct? Her shitty behavior is a result of having a shitty man not lead her to his standard.

You can't be a weaksauce fuck for years, then flip a switch and expect your wife to act like you haven't been a faggot for years.

[–]Veritas76 3ポイント4ポイント  (9子コメント)

Yes, I understand that. I is a projection/reflection of myself.

That is why I don't blame her or anything. It is up to me to go through that.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 1ポイント2ポイント  (8子コメント)

So lead her and fix yourself.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

I say it goes both ways.

Can't argue with leading, but there's also something to be said for seeing how they can rise to the occasion. If leading turns into dragging them along... I wouldn't see it as long term successful.

Leading can be by example e.g. his question seems more geared with what to do during the lag time of improvement between them

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

I agree with you, I(we) don't know which scenario it is.

If my wife were just dead weight, I'd drop her. But is OP'S girl dead weight or has he been a shit guy for so long she doesn't even know any better?

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm using the 5 why's. hopefully he can get to the meat of what he wants

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm getting the feeling it's a bit of captain saveaho, if so, and he wants net value, it may be a case to see if he can, or she is willing to lead and improve.

It may just be likes the junker in the garage he's always working on. I can see a guy getting his meaning through the struggle, kind of like the man version of victim worship.

Or it may just be an inability to see his failures in her. In which case, it's a waiting game until she sees whats up and comes along for the ride.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

For some reason that weird explanation made perfect sense to me

[–]Veritas76 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

She has started her strength training in gym (5x5) about 5 months after me. She might be lead able in the end.

By me or by someone else. It depends on my decision in near future.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

And that decision is yours. Just don't cut yourself short because of ego or pride.

You may be sitting a chick who is exactly what you need, you just have to fix you and in the process it will fix her. If it doesnt, so be it. You are in charge of you and have one life, make it count by cutting out the valueless time and attention vampires.

[–]its-iceman 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's definitely something.

[–]Redrealm 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Heed

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Now when I look at her and I feel almost disgust.

Same question: What if your daughter acted like this. Come on now- it is kind of cute, don't you think?

I think your disgust is exactly the projection you describe but I have to say:

NAWALT.

If you chose one who IS like that then either accept it and look for small changes in the direction you want, or correct your mistake and file for divorce.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

This is not me or my wife. The issue for me is that if the goal is to not care, why stick around?

[–]ajs02f 2ポイント3ポイント  (10子コメント)

Not only this, but she doesn't motivate me sexually as much either. I've been having a hard time wanting to initiate sex with her. Libido and sex drive is fine...it's her specifically.

Taking and ravaging a new woman is still a thrilling and amazing experience for me. But it's hard to manufacture that urge for her. I find myself initiating because I know I'm supposed to...not because of an intense desire to conquer her.

Anyone else experience this?

[–]Ordinary_Gentleman 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

Have sex. Why does it have to be complicated?

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

If this was just about the sex, every guy would just stay beta and hire hookers.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (7子コメント)

99 times out of a 100 this passes with time.

A kind of weird uncanny valley, between knocking her off a pedestal, and giving a shit about what she has to offer (or doesn't).

At some point, it'll be clear if this is just improvement lag, or something more serious.

[–]MRPguy 0ポイント1ポイント  (6子コメント)

This is a brilliant post that summarizes a lot of what I've been thinking about lately. We've been taught/programmed to have them on a pedestal and seek after them. When we knock them off the pedestal, the desire for them often wanes because our mental process hasn't processed the next step. No pedestal, so how can I possibly desire her?

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (5子コメント)

It's one of those weird phases that happens to most, but isn't really addressed yet in the manosphere.

I like things like TTB approach of 'just lead' but it kind of glosses over the underlying issue that's really at heart here. People tend to fear change, and this is a great example

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

Maybe it's fear that she won't change and we're stuck with a lemon.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

time sorts it out naturally

[–]ajs02f 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

What does "time sorts it out" mean? I am not in the habit of letting things sort themselves out these days. I'd prefer to control the direction myself.

MRPguy is onto something. The shine is off the apple with her. That coupled with my own self improvements is causing me to look at her in a whole new light. And that light isn't making me want to ravage her...

...it's just making me want some strange.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

You work out heavy and eat right. The abs sort themselves out.

Is it clearer that way?

[–]MRPguy 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

"I've found myself. I'm bettering myself. I deserve awesomeness. Wife is off a pedestal, she is the oldest teenager in the house. Is THIS what I really deserve/want?"

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 1ポイント2ポイント  (18子コメント)

It happens. Commonly, theres a phase in between your improvement and her catching up where you actively resent, or lose interest in her.

One of two things will happen, she'll catch on and improve, or you lose interest and leave.

Part of the process

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (17子コメント)

I just wonder what she's going to improve at? Is she going to become a more interesting person? I guess that could happen, I hope it's happening with me.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (12子コメント)

Could be a few things, I can only speak for myself.

  1. get in better shape, looking hotter glosses over a lot of that.
  2. gets smarter. Hell, we even talked about her going to college today
  3. Blowjobs make conversation tolerable

Also, on your end. Now that you've accepted her for what she is, you're going ot have that realization that she isn't your best friend, and isn't supposed to be. You'll get off your ass and start meeting new people who do fill those niches in your life.

Don't let all the (she will improve) part above overshadow the attitude that: Go far enough back, there's always a point where your decisions create the situation you are in.

She's boring? find someone else to talk to, she's there to either sex on tap, take care of the kids, and/or work to contribute to the household... She's not there to be a mommy/best friend/teammate.

For me, there's an element of her being there as my fuck toy. Train her to fuck like I like it... Something that ONS will never be able to do.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (11子コメント)

Just seems shitty spend so much time with someone you find boring. There's only so much time one can spend away from the wife before it would make more sense to split.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 1ポイント2ポイント  (10子コメント)

Slow down cupcake. You handled the time before you started lifting.

you want kids? have kids? Mother of your children and interesting conversation aren't the same thing.

I'm not saying it's saveable, I'm saying if you're where you say you are, slow down and take a beat before deciding. Don't be the former fat guy that shits on fat people being lazy.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (9子コメント)

Im actually further away from thinking about divorce than I was before I found the RP. I'm just bored with her, not physically, but mentally. I find myself trying to get through dinner quickly and avoiding hey add much as possible. It's great for my hobbies and lifting but just feels wrong.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (8子コメント)

You go to work when you're bored don't you? You do all manner of things, even though you are bored. Why is that ability lost when you have dinner with the wife?

We're doing the 5 why's exercise here, so play along

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (7子コメント)

Isn't a goal in life to have a job you're not bored with? Maybe I'll just never be satisfied. I've move towns and jobs and careers numerous times in my life in search of utopia that has never come. Unfortunately I feel unable to do that when it comes to women. Maybe I need to be satisfied with what I have. That is going to be a tough pill to swallow.

[–]Scurvemuch 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Create your utopia.

If you are bored, read a book.

Find something interesting and be excited to talk about it, and talk about it to her. Pretend she is furniture if you have to . You may find that she responds and starts taking interest in the things you find interesting.

or not.

Doesn't sound like you've tried leading her in being interesting.

Or maybe you are boring...

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Point taken. Good advice.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

So you get bored at work and jump ship.

Why come here then? why hesitate to do the same?

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Probably because I'm a beta and leaving jobs or towns is easier than fixing or suffering through them. However for that same reason the wife is different.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Probably because I'm a beta and leaving jobs or towns is easier than fixing or suffering through them. However for that same reason the wife is different.

[–]MRPguy 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

Is she going to become a more interesting person?

Probably not. But YOU will change and as a result the value you find in her will change. It will either increase, or decrease. Both are fine because YOU have changed and can no longer accept the status quo.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Explain how I will find different value in her?

[–]MRPguy 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

As you change your needs change. You horizons are expanded. Where you previously were seeking validation from her, you may find it elsewhere, hence it won't bother you if she doesn't verbally validate you.

Perhaps you were expecting intriguing conversation from her. You'll now realize that she cannot provide that...but rather than being angry you will relish her childlike innocence and in addition you will find that conversation elsewhere; with a co-worker, with a masculine friend, etc.

Imagine if your wife was 50% of your "life value score." The other 50% was comprised of friends, co-workers, relatives, etc. Your wife holds a huge chunk of value. If you rated that value on a 1-10 scale and she was a 3, that would be devastating.

But what if she ranked that same 3 but "wife" only comprised 5% of your "life value" score? Not a big deal, right? You've grown and shifted around values and you get more from other people.

[–]il-est-ressuscite 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I have to ask. Have the intensity and duration of your feelings about ANYTHING remained constant throughout your life without any variation? That's not even possible.

Everything ebbs and flows.

Even if you get all your shit together using the tools here, your feelings about your wife will ebb and flow the same as feelings do for men in good marriages.

It's part of human nature and the reality of living with someone for a long time.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's a good point. I appreciate the perspective.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (12子コメント)

My wife is cool and interesting, you haven't shared very much so if you can't provide some back ground I'll just answer your question.

Anyone else have similar thoughts?

No

Does this get better?

You get what you give

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (6子コメント)

A lot people around here say things like " treat you wife like your little sister " and I think "I wouldn't hang out with my little sister". That's where the cognitive dissonance comes from.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (5子コメント)

Treat your wife like the girl you had a crush on at the playground. You pulled your hair and teased her but if anyone else fucked with her you were her shield & spear.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

Never felt like that about girls. The interesting ones (for me) are usually batshit crazy and not wife or mother material. All the others could fall in a hole for all I cared.

I've got to figure out why I liked this one back then and figure out if that can come back.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

White knight syndrom, or captain saveaho.

Lots of guys like broken women. It's part pride, part ego. Like the guy with the broken down car he works on every weekend, never drives it, but loves to work on it

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Good luck

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

lol, you were a natural athlete training for the Olympics. He was the college dropout with a bum knee going to physio.

Mileage will vary

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

Lol posts like this bewilder me, I just think Wtf does this guy want from us?!?

So little info/context.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

He doesn't know. And in this case, I totally get it.

There's a lot of info out there on most parts of the map guys experince. On this uncanny valley, there's surprisingly little. I've had it, I think bogey had it, some haven't.

It's exactly what I talk about with Assumptions and Mental Models

He needs to figure out what he really wants. chances are it isn't just to fuck the woman.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I didn't know of this blog - looks like I'll be spending my night in your mind.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just looking for opinion and experience. I don't think the questions require much context. I don't want you to tell me what to do. I want to hear whether you have experienced what I am feeling and what you think about it.

[–]Redneck001Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Does this get better?

One way or the other.

I'm guessing this is the later stage of the anger phase. I'm guessing you're working your ass of on yourself, and you're still not getting the response you want. You meet new, younger options every day. Then you go home to your wife, and ... you're thinking "fuck this, that hottie that I met today would ..."

My advice is to give it more time. You likely have more work to do anyway. And when and if your woman responds, it will be like a light switch suddenly turned on.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

You're probably right. I just wonder what is going to change. Or, how is she going to change that I'm going to enjoy sittingg across the table from her every night. I think of friends I've dropped because they were boring or dramatic or plain shit heads and I wonder why I would drop them but not my wife.

[–]Scurvemuch 0ポイント1ポイント  (11子コメント)

Yes we have all been there.

As TFA said, this is happening because you are seeing a reflection of yourself.

at some point, you will either get what you give, or figure out that its not going to happen from this person. You will know because by then you will be able to answer all these questions.

[–]il-est-ressuscite 0ポイント1ポイント  (10子コメント)

Barf.

[–]Scurvemuch 0ポイント1ポイント  (9子コメント)

did I trigger you?

[–]il-est-ressuscite 0ポイント1ポイント  (8子コメント)

Yes. Puked my lunch all over my desk.

[–]Scurvemuch 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

weak stomach

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (6子コメント)

Well, at least you're using language that doesn't require a dictionary, or masters in literature :)

[–]il-est-ressuscite 0ポイント1ポイント  (5子コメント)

Lol. Now you know how I feel when ya'll talk that military speak.

[–]Scurvemuch 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

not feelin' erudite?

Diction needin' fixin?

Hmmm.

[–]il-est-ressuscite 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Ya'll funny dudes! Roast Ellis. Lol. Must be the vom stuck in my throat from that pic you sprung on me.

[–]Scurvemuch 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

You clicked that shit Bruh

Own Your Shit

*edit Whisky Tango Foxtrot

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

touché

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret 1ポイント2ポイント  (6子コメント)

I don't have this problem with my wife. If you married a moron, why are you expecting her to suddenly provide intellectual value to your life?

Would you be disgusted by your children if they acted like this?

I wrote about this recently along with Archwinger and Jack. When you rely on her validation and then you get to the point you don't need her validation then your view of her changes. It must.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm still surprised there hasn't been more codifying of this phase. So many go through it, that uncanny valley between the pedestal and the new resting place

[–]over60_stupid_loner 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

THE VALLEY. good visual of my path. About 4 months ago, or, 9 months in, anger hit a peak then started to slow down and started getting off and on depressed. That was the bottom of that valley for me. At the bottom I was not attracted to her and very annoyed by her.

Coming up out of the valley since then, the anger has kept rapidly subsiding and my attraction for her is increasing at the same time. I am still coming out of the valley. The other side I think is higher ground than the beginning. Now codify me…..

[–]RPNoober[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

She's not a moron, she's just a woman. She sees the world so differently than me. I used to find her perspective interesting, but now it nauseates me.

I would be disgusted by my kids if they acted this way. No doubt about it. I don't have a daughter though, so maybe that would be different.

[–]stonepimpletilistsRed Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

there's always the /u/ultimatecad direction on this too don't forget

[–]theultmatecad 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yea but the guy needs to understand that he dosnt need to see the world the same as his wife nor do they need common interests other then fucking eachtoher senseless

[–]SDSAM21 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

My journey after I lost needing her validation resulted eventually in her texting me . "Sdsam you are not just exclusive access to my pussy, it is exclusive anytime." Brought a smile a tear and a good pounding. Funny how the female brain works.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

does this get better?

The question is, what standards do you expect her to reach? What are your expectations here? You don't get to just change a few things and then just sit back and reap the rewards. That's just lazy. And feeling sorry for yourself because you got a lazy unattractive wife is also pathetic.

She was attractive at one point, no? I mean, you saw something in her at some point? Sure, there were the "dark years" where you were the drunk captain asleep at the wheel, but those are gone now. That's the past. Leave that in the past. And stop worrying about what the future might bring. (or not). Your life just passes you by when you do that.