How do you get past the anger?

Archwinger · 7時間前

Let me know if you figure this one out.

I've spent 8 years with my wife, plus several more prior to our marriage dating and living together. Our sex life has always been crap, but like a loser, I genuinely believed once we got married, we'd be closer and that would work itself out.

There was this moment, not too long after stumbling across The Red Pill, that I realized that I really hate my wife. She's not a bad person and not really deserving of hate -- I'd been a horrible leader and a poor example of a man from day one, and she'd really never been sexually attracted to me (yet she married me anyway - probably because she didn't know any better either).

And I just felt cheated. I'd been with this woman for years, putting so much into our life together, and all I wanted -- ALL I wanted -- was to have a normal physical relationship with my wife. Every other husband and wife has sex, and there I'd been for years, subsisting on once-a-month lazy-starfish duty-sex -- sometimes even less frequently than that. And I was just mad. That was years and years during which I was supposed to have a normal sexual relationship with a loving woman who wants me. Years she took from me that I'll never get back. Years that I felt sad, worthless, angry, confused.

So there was this day when I just realized how much I absolutely resent my wife. And how trapped I was. Because there's no out for me. Not unless I want to lose my daughter, my home, the majority of my assets, and write my wife a check every month. She has no incentive to improve, because I'm the one who stands to lose if she decides one day to cash out of the marriage. She knows I'm not going anywhere. Hate is an emotion that stems from fear -- when you're in a situation where you just don't know how to win. How to get what you want. How to overcome it. When there's nothing you can do.

Now I'm fit, proactive, confident, aloof, involved in lots of shit, and our relationship is better (though still far from ideal). I'm even happy. But I still resent my wife. I know it's my fault for letting this shit get away from me, not really her fault, but it's still there, bubbling just below the surface. I haven't quite figured out how to let this go yet. Maybe it's always there and you just learn to hide it.

over60_stupid_loner · 7時間前

You are blaming her for your failures. You anger could continue forever if you do not ~~reconcile~~ understand and accept the cause.

You made mistakes, for whatever reason, doesn't matter now, in the past. You will be angry until you act on changing you and quit blaming her and talking about it and making it worse. If you change yourself, over the coming years you ~~will~~ can get better.

IASGame · 7時間前

It is dangerous to listen to your sister on stuff like that. Don't go from having your wife as your MPO to having your sister (or any other person, even some MRP guy here). It needs to be your own.

Your sister, as a woman, even if she thinks she has your best interests in mind (which you can't be sure) could have some ulterior motives that even she doesn't know about.

Riddle me this: don't you think it is puzzling that, if she wanted things to improve for you, she didn't say anything until you did it for yourself? And now that you are improving stuff, she says something and that happens to destabilize you?

cholomite · 4時間前

If you feed a kid ice cream and do their homework for them and they grow up to be fat and stupid, are you going to be mad at the little kid for not stopping you from feeding them ice cream and doing their school work?

Accept that your wife doesn't have your best interests in mind. No one's wife or girlfriend does. They take whatever you will give them and ask for more. It's up to you to say no and enforce boundries. It's not your wife's fault you were too weak to do that before. Your wife isn't your "team mate", she is more like an employee doing the least amount of work to avoid getting fired. AWALT. If you think you'll find a better woman who will selflessly give you everything with nothing in return, I'd love to sell you some real estate on the moon.

PemBayliss · 6時間前

Yeah. I second Arch's comment. Let me know if you get this figured out. These are wrongs wives have done to their men that cannot be righted. These wives did their husbands wrong and they got away with it.

EDIT: The more I think about it, the more I have to conclude Arch put his finger on why men have such a hard time getting past this. It offends the man's sense of justice. A woman has done him wrong, she got away with it and there's no way to make it right. He won't ever be compensated for his loss. It's time and money -- it's a big chunk of his life -- that's just gone and it cannot be recouped. And the married man with kids is trapped. He can't leave and try to find another woman. He'll lose everything if he does. He'll destroy his children's lives. Maybe his wife could live with that, but he can't. So he'll stay, and make the best of it, but resent the hell out of the lack of fairness and justice.

TL:DR: It ain't fair, and that can't be fixed.

Ordinary_Gentelman · 4時間前

Like others I spent a lot of time here. I practice martial arts heavily...and I mean like 3-4 hours a day. My focus is very self defense and rooted in old traditions...meaning the method of training. Now what I mean here is that there is a lot of introspection. I spend a fair amount of time considering my motivations, my demeanor,...and things like if I can break this man's arm so easily how then can I prevent the fight at all?

Fact is you need to get passed the anger fast. Otherwise it'll remain and eat you alive. To compare this to self defense (because it's easy for me). The TactiCool Cowboys out there are bad press because they react out of emotion. They ignore the realities of the world we live in today. True self defense does not. It reminds us that we are the enemy. Our emotions try to control us. IF you let anger enter into your mind while defending yourself you will end up in bad way. Conversely letting it control you while you are building yourself up won't end well either.

Here's something I wrote about maybe it will help maybe it won't. But....you really need to look inwards. Find strength and solitude within the inner citadel you construct within your mind.

We all felt cheated. We all have been to a degree. Sure it's our leadership but honestly it's more then that. Why am I working so hard for sex when she doesn't have to do shit for the benefits of a marriage? My wife has commented several times, and even more recently about a month or two ago (and happily I might add) that she is glad she doesn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to like women did in the 40s and 50s. Just think about that. How fucked up is that? Am I allowed to say...well I am glad I don't have to have a conversation when I don't want? Pay the bills when I don't want?

It may be true that feminism has destroyed the idea of what masculine and feminine is...I'd argue that it's confused it for a great many people, but the difference is that men can rise above. Women are too confused (at best) what the world is really like. They are getting all the wrong signals, the most powerful one is from the man they love/married. So...take the higher ground. Being a man means you see the challenge and rise above it because we can rise above it. We already have proof that women need us to to do that. Alone they can't, or are unwilling to. That's not the point, the point is that men can rise above.

I suggest you invest in yourself. Heavily. I don't mean money I mean time.

Griever114 · 4時間前

Honestly, when you are feeling the anger take you... lift. The same rules apply if you are still new to frame/dealing with your wife. LIFT.

The anger phase is not really at her. The anger phase is realizing all of the wasted time you spent being a beta bitch.

It will take time to pass. Once you get past it, you will realize how much easier things become.

Instead of taking the anger with you and having it fuck with you. USE IT. Go and take that shit out in the Iron Temple.

Once you get past your anger at yourself, it will fall into place and you will realize.

AWALT

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 4時間前

Not sure if this will help you, but what helps me is to really, fully realize that wife acted (sometimes still acts) that way because she's truly not attracted to me. As Clint Eastwood would say, deserve's got nothing to do with it. If she's not attracted to you, then what else is there to say?

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