<tldr>One thing I keep having to relearn is to watch what she does, not what she says. [FR] about ignoring what she says, give her what she really wants.</tldr>

This video really hit me, it's funny, but it's actually tragic. I saw into the dark things that AWAL this last weekend. Vid is well worth the two minute watch, even if you don't continue reading.

I've been trying become a better Family Alpha™ and leading my family towards the direction of my vision. Most of this process has been improving, lifting, reading, and doing me. I hate how long it is taking while simealtaneously knowing that I'll never reach the end, so I'm in this state of embracing the suck while attempting to enjoy the ride.

I've been trying to bring the family along to get outdoors more often (embracing the suck that I can't afford an extravagant vacation, while truly enjoying the experience of hiking for free). Last week there was an opportunity with perfect weather, and we had a Sunday free, so I told her a few days before, "Keep Sunday free and we'll go hike the Creek Trail as a family."

She replies that she's not sure if she can, she has stuff to do. translation: "I'm really not attracted enough to hang out with you Sunday, you haven't reminded me today that you are the prize"

I say, "Too bad for you!" smack her butt and walk away.

An hour later she says, "What time on Sunday are we going hiking?" translation: "I'm a little moist from my recent interaction with you, and want to see if you are truly the prepared and determined leader that I may be attracted to."

"I will leave the house by 10am sharp, I'd like the whole family to be in the car by then. I will get the kids and their food ready." At this point I thought I had won, and we would all enjoy a great time.

The night before the hike she tests me with, "I really want to sleep in tomorrow, so I'd like to leave around noon." translation: "I know you think that you are a strong alpha tiger and I'm allowing you to have a little fun, but remember who holds the leash here."

At this point I'm thinking, you bitch, you just have to tweak something to get the final word. Luckily it was just for a secong and I try to return to OI zen. "Not gonna work babe, I want to get to the top and back in time for us to grab some dinner, and then we're gonna go to the movie at 5pm. We can't leave any later. I'm leaving at 10 with the kids. I'd love to have you come." A little 5 second kiss and I'm gone. This is subtle, but 6 months ago I'd change my plans completely if it meant I was getting a shred of what I wanted. For me this is a huge improvement in my OI.

Day of the hike she was in the car by 9:55am (would have never happened 6 months ago, watch her actions), and excited to leave, even helped get kids ready before I knew. translation: "I respect you as leader, and trust your vision so I want to do what you want"

Again, I thought I was done with shit tests. We are driving and she asks why we are going a different way. The trail has many starting points, I had chosen a simpler one since we had kids with us, told her simply that we are starting from the south. Then comfort test: "I don't want to go that way. I like the other way." (use of I). translation: "I am afraid of the world, and I'm not sure you are able to protect me or my offspring." All that improvement is now out the window, I thought I went from Alpha Motherfucker to Asshole who doesn't care about his wife's comfort! The unknown is terrifying to her, and fear seems to dominate a lot of her mental process. I should know better, as a beta pussy, how could I dare push her to be challenged. I admit I almost didn't make it, but I attempted to treat her as the oldest teenage daughter. She doesn't know, and I do, and so I didn't back down.

I said "I know this is the better way, and we are going to go this way, even if you don't want to." Satisfied with this response I forgot to STFU, and let leak, "I hand picked this was for the kids. My decision for the safety of the kids comes before your preference." Big mistake, DEERing. I notice it immediately, tell myself I'm a fucking idiot, and STFU. Still an improvement for me. She is upset, and fidgeting to show it. I would have caved in at this right away, I just want to get along. It's at this point, when she's upset when I start to think there is no way we can have a good time now. That isn't true though, I can still have a good time, and I start to tell myself that. I can enjoy my time, she can choose not to, but it won't affect me. (I'm repeating this in my head, faking it to make it.)

I push hard to STFU, and we pull into the trailhead before I have a chance fuck it up.

The gate is closed. Now I might fuck it up. She says, "Well looks like this place isn't as good as you thought? Didn't you say you researched it?" I didn't say that, although I did research it. translation: "You may have hid it well, but deep down you are a pathetic beta bux faggot, and you are MY beta bux, now say it! Say it in front of me and the kids."

I was bummed, I won't lie, but stayed with STFU, got out to inspect the gate, and realized it just blew closed by the wind, it wasn't locked and there were other cars in there. I opened it, and placed a rock to keep it open. I had to stop myself from doing an "I told you so, see I'm a big boy mommy" routine, but I just got back in the car and parked it, just saying, "Man it's perfect weather today for this."

Her last ditch effort as we started walking was a shit test, "Well, this place you picked looks way shittier that the other one." translation: I'm starting to feel some tingles, are the legit or not?

I told her I didn't notice because she was in front and I like the pants she wore and the way it shows off her ass.

She acts mad "Quiet! There's other people here" translation: "Louder! Let them all hear."

As we almost made it to the top she couldn't stop saying how much she liked this trailhead better, how it a better for the kids but so much more pretty. A couple of times she said she was glad our kids are learning to enjoy outdoors. She had an amazing time, and honestly the kids just seemed to enjoy it because we were enjoying it. Afterwards at dinner she kept grabbing my leg and telling me how it was one of the best family days ever. We never made the movie because the kids were tired, and so we went home and I pounder her into the bed instead.

Still today she keeps bringing up what a great time she had, and how nice it was. The same trip that she doubted every step of the way, the same trip that she could barely be bothered to come on.

I LEARNED A LOT ON SUNDAY

• This is a sexual strategy, but there are excellent side-effects that come from all of the changes required, and all of life is affected.
• Wife is relentless at trying to tame me, get me to doubt myself, get me to admit that I am a beta.
• Maybe AWALT, but she has the right to reserve her pussy and/or company to only the best man, I truly wouldn't want to be with a woman who lowers her standards (but my life would be easier).
• All the way into the start of the activity she never said anything to reassure me that she was enjoying herself. And I desperately wanted that validation! I almost caved several times.
• Shit tests and Comfort tests are foreplay, I should look forward to them instead of avoiding them or being upset by them. My wifes panties are soaked with my Shit Test defenses.
• She will never love me the way I want her to. I want her to be quiet and believe me and never doubt me. She actually is usually quiet or and submissive most of the time, but never when I want. And when she is a sex denying shit testing harpy it is only an indicator to me that I'm failing at Dread Levels 1-5. She is a mirror that I can see how well I'm leading in.
• Even when she gets all pissy I can still have a good time. And when maintaining frame she will usually become less pissy and have a good time after a while.
• I'm glad I didn't give up. I still have a way to go as far as getting rid of the dad-bod. I started to get more sex, and almost relaxed a bit on the lifting and dieting. I'm so glad I didn't.
• I'm glad I didn't give in. My beta training was screaming out that I am fucking up and being a prick and all kinds of stuff. STFU goes for my schizo-beta voices too, just gotta keep telling my self STFU.
• She's counting on me to translate and appropriately deal with her shit. This is big, SHES COUNTING ON ME, she has no interest or reason for trying to prove that I'm attractive to her! That's my job.
• This was a small victory, I need to continue to improve a LOT before I can start to acheive a big victory like her begging for my cock in her ass while I eat a pizza on the beach in Hawaii. I've set my sights on that kind of marriage, but it's on me to be as Brad Pitt/Ryan Gosling/Jake McDorman smvwise.
• My wife doesn't know what she wants as well as I do. I cringe at saying that, but I think it's true. My wife thinks she wants me to be a domesticated tiger, friendly and cuddly, but that's not what she wants even if she doesn't know it.
• "I told you so" routines are a display of low value.

Deep down she wants to be hunted by a wild tiger, but all she will ever do is try to tame you. Don't let it happen.

Update: Thanks for the encouragement. I have realized through reading it and my own comments that I'm balls deep in her frame, and have learned that I need to reconstruct a strong, personal, masculine frame that doesn't need validation in order to maintain integrity. Thanks /u/redneck001 /u/redpilldad /u/spexer /u/scurvemuch and /u/reddreadwolverine for illuminating that. If I'm going to be honest though, I really found out how important validation is to me with the positive comments on this thread, and how much I eat that shit up. I am on the tit of your guys' approval, and I am getting off it today. Seriously, thanks men.