109
110

My ex-fiancee killed herselfRemorse (self.confession)

TooManyGuys が 投稿

[remorse]

The whole thing was shitty. She should have told me about her past. I know I made the right move, and that getting rid of someone who would lie to me about something so serious was the right move...

But at the same time, we were about to get married. I really did love her. I feel horribly manipulated about the whole thing. Lots of little things remind me of her. My apartment still has her smell in some places. As I fall asleep I imagine her laying next to me, without even consciously thinking about it.

After the lies she told, she didn't deserve a marriage. But she also didn't deserve death. I cut her out of my life for my sanity and safety. I feel guilty. Like I should have been more supportive, but at the same time I'm still pissed at the magnitude of her deception. Why support someone who caused the entire shitty situation?

It's weird to feel pity for someone, sadness at their death and anger at their behavior all at the same time. I want to yell at her and cry and do a lot of things. But right now I can't do anything. I just feel deflated.

全 65 件のコメント
並べ替え:
ベスト
トップ新着論争中古い順Q&A

[–]shortlemon [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

After the lies she told, she didn't deserve a marriage. But she also didn't deserve death.

Talk to a therapist. You'll never know what or why she did what she did, but she did pick you, and love you. There's no saying what will be too much for one person to handle, but it sounds like her secret was that thing for you. And that's okay. It sounds like the aftermath was very rushed and volatile, and in that, you never got closure. And neither did she. Talk to a counselor, a therapist...anything. You need to work through these feelings. You need to forgive her and you need to forgive yourself. Good luck.

[–]brosefstalin81 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Whoa, that's heavy. I'm sorry.

[–]urbanek2525 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Personal theory here, but I feel like these sorts of emotional traumas are like strokes in that there is a window if opportunity to fix things before they get ingrained. I'm hoping to instill a sense of urgency in seeking professional help. The feelings are raw and unprocessed, so it's easier to deal with the injury. As you wait layer after layer of mental scar tissue will form to help you cope.

The sooner you get guidance in your healing, the shorter the sessions and the less likely today's injury will impact tomorrow.

[–]goblindick [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Are people really giving him shit for not wanting to marry someone who fucked 235 guys? Sure it doesn't matter but, if its a deal breaker for him then thats it. Everyone has deal breakers, most people have irrational shit like height or not being a doctor with a long dick and abs.

I honestly think that fact that she hid something that was part of her was probably the worst feeling. She was going to marry him without telling him something he should probably know.

All I am saying is 235 is probably something that should've been talk about at one point of their relationship.

[–]roastfacekilla [スコア非表示]  (19子コメント)

i didnt get to see the relationships thread before it got deleted. what was the obscenely high number?

[–]skalafurey [スコア非表示]  (3子コメント)

236

[–]TimeDoesDisolve [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

That is a lot... but did she have a disease or something? Did she cheat on a lot of people?

[–]skalafurey [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Apparently she had slept with a lot of people before him and in their relationship she was not very open sexually, no oral, no anything, and he felt shocked by the fact that his shy fiance had done all these things but not with him.

[–]bidnasman [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I knew a girl in college who is in the triple digits too, to be honest, i did judge her once she told me and i thought less of her. We talked about it, it was like an addiction, 3-4 guys a weekend from tinder. She blamed it all on her first relationship and her dad. People can justify anything to them selves.

[–]TooManyGuys[S] [スコア非表示]  (14子コメント)

236, she had had sex with 235 men before we got together and never told me. Turns out it was sex addiction/working as an escort.

[–]Redtitwhore [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

She probably felt tainted and beyond redemption after the rejection.

[–]outrider567 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

A lot of female porn stars have also committed suicide, I was shocked when I Googled it

[–]AvadaMyKedavra [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

This number was worth losing love?

[–]Zylamos [スコア非表示]  (8子コメント)

why is it any of your business? was she diseased in any way?

[–]Zenmaster7 [スコア非表示]  (6子コメント)

Why does the past affect the present?

[–]sad_heretic [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

"You think when you wake up in the mornin yesterday don't count. But yesterday is all that does count. What else is there? Your life is made out of the days it’s made out of. Nothin else."

[–]TwistedxRainbow [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

  1. Some people just don't like dating someone based on their sexual past. Everyone's values are different.

  2. She lied to him about it and was going to marry him under false assumptions.

  3. As OP mentioned, it affected their sex life.

[–]Zenmaster7 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Lol, again, should I have added an /s for the less inclined?

[–]ABC_AlwaysBeCovert [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/4ayj7a/my_exfiancee_killed_herself/d14t8qt

[–]Zenmaster7 [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

Should I have added a /s for the less inclined?

[–]ABC_AlwaysBeCovert [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

ah crap. I see it now. I hate text sometimes lol #emoticons

[–]ABC_AlwaysBeCovert [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/4ayj7a/my_exfiancee_killed_herself/d14t8qt

[–]cannakitty [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

It's not like she cheated on you...

[–]FLAskinpro [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

It might help to talk to a professional and sort out these feelings before moving on to another relationship. Time heals nothing, and it feels great to lift that burden. Internet hugs

[–]Rimefang [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Just so you know, if she got constant reactions like yours in the dating scene, then I don't blame her for omitting this fact. To expect the same actions with different results is madness.

Plus, she shouldn't be shamed for her actions. Whatever her reason for being an escort,(money, survival, acceptance) it gave her a reason to go on. After a while, she found something better: you. She found happiness with you that the services couldn't give her. She was ready to start fresh, eager for a new chapter in life, but only with a clear conscious. You not only tore down her hope, but you burned and salted it, especially with no contact.

Despite this, I do not blame you for what you did. You shouldn't either. You did what you felt was the right choice. How she died was out of your control. Nothing you could have done would have helped her. She just had a terrible dilemma on her end, and lost a lot more than you did. I'm reminded of a quote from an old friend:

"Never regret what you've done, because at that moment, it's what you wanted the most."

You had your reasons.

She had... hers.

Leave it at that.

[–]SpaceJuke [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Honestly, I believe her past is a dealbreaker. I know I will be downvoted for saying this but most people here who think you should have stayed with her, are hypocrites. They would not have married an escort either

[–]Herdnerfer [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

In sorry to hear that, but you are in no way responsible for her actions. You did the right thing at every turn and don't deserve the guilt that she has now caused you with her short sighted decision to end her life.

Try you best to move on and live the happy life you deserve.

[–]SelenaLovesYou [スコア非表示]  (3子コメント)

She probably wanted to change and for you to be her last love. I don't think it matters if you know how many sexual partners she has had. That doesn't mean she needed to act the same way with you. It sounded like she wanted to change. It sounds like you were slut shaming her.

[–]self_knowledge [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

I disagree with you. I'm sure OP does too.

[–]AvadaMyKedavra [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Whether OP agrees or not, /u/SelenaLovesYou is indeed correct; he was slut-shaming her. And no, as long as you're clean (which she presumably knew after the two years of being together), how many people you sleep with doesn't actually matter. What matters is who you are as a person.

Clearly her having slept with 236 men had no affect on him because he didn't suspect it during two years of courtship and engagement. He would never have known if she hadn't told him. For all intents and purposes, she was a normal woman he loved. OP actually loved the woman who had slept with 236 men; the only thing that changed was his knowledge.

Yes, she lied to him. And based on the way he talks about her even now, that was a smart move. OP still isn't ready to handle the information she had to share.

[–]Zylamos [スコア非表示]  (8子コメント)

You should feel guilty, she tried to put her past behind her and you slut shamed her out of your life. You probably convinced her that no man would ever want her ever again.

[–]bilged [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Nobody owes anyone else a relationship idiot.

[–]TooManyGuys[S] [スコア非表示]  (6子コメント)

235 guys is a deal breaker. She could have told me on the first date, and I'd have forgotten her phone number and moved on.

She hid it from me, knowing it would be a deal breaker for me. The dishonesty to do that is as much a deal breaker as the number itself.

[–]CSMom74 [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

Come on, who tells someone on a first date they slept with 235 guys?

She did something really stupid. I don't blame you for her death. She didn't have to kill herself. However, your reaction is why she didn't tell you. She obviously cared about you and was scared of your reaction.

She didn't die because you broke up with her. She died because she was broken. But you can't expect someone to tell you that right away. How did you even finds out a number like that? Someone told you her past?

[–]TooManyGuys[S] [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

I was looking for notebook paper and found a long handwritten list of men's names.

[–]CSMom74 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Well her death isn't on you, but either you loved her enough to realize that was the past and she had (according to another comment on here) escort work, or... you didn't love her enough.

You didn't. That's okay. How she reacted to it was on her. But just because she hid her past (HER past.. her business so long as she used protection) doesn't mean she didn't deserve a marriage.

She just deserved a marriage with someone more forgiving of past stuff.

[–]nixiedust [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

It's fine that it's a deal breaker for you, and fine that you ended the relationship, and you are not in any way responsible for her suicide. But legally and morally she did not have to reveal every detail of her past to you. Unless she had somehow endangered you, it's not dishonest to keep parts of your past in the past, especially if you regret them and have changed. The whole attitude that some amount of sex is too much and makes someone damaged is really silly when you think about it. You don't "deserve" an untouched vagina and there's nothing impure about having a bunch of sex. The amount of past sex you're comfortable with is your issue, and comes from your beliefs, not hers. It's fine that you couldn't deal, but I wonder if part of you is conflicted about why you felt so strongly about it. Think about it. Purity is a made up concept, unless you're talking about cocaine. ;)

[–]ABC_AlwaysBeCovert [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I would have had trouble with that number unless she was 1) hot and 2) ABSOLUTELY AMAZING in bed (like, tongue-an-inch-up-my-ass, make-me-cum-just-with-her-dirtytalk crazy) and 3) not actually that crazy.

don't beat yourself up.

[–]LisaLulz [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I think you have every right to feel sadness over the loss, but you are not guilty for it. It's in a persons best interest to do what is right for themselves and you had every right to take care of yourself and make the decision that you felt was best for you. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.

May you find the peace and healing that you need during this time.

[–]RealityCalling2014 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

It's possible to hate and love someone at once. I wish she would have gotten help in time too, but that doesn't have to do with you. People wait too long to get help sometimes.

[–]wiserloon [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

My ex-gf attempted suicide but won't admit it. Yeah, nobody slashes their wrist artery open at home alone by mistake.

[–]riotousviscera [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

she deserved better, and you didn't deserve her.

[–]--IAmBecomeThatGuy-- [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

OP she was obviously a broken person. No doubt her mental instability was a part of why she had such an, er, 'colorful' sexual history. You dodged a bullet.

[–]healthy_day [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Life is full of ups and downs, but life will be flat when all is over. hope you didn't cause the death, that will be very regretful

[–]josleszexlar [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Condolences on your loss. You have every right to feel as you do but it might help you to forgive yourself and her for what neither of you truly could do. If this continues to bother you, please get therapy so that you can make peace with this. Take care.

[–]rimlogger [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Was she exclusive with you when she was with you? Or did she have multiple partners on the side when she was dating you?

Did she beg you to take her back at all?

[–]OniTan [スコア非表示]  (16子コメント)

What happened? She cheated on you? If she was lying to you, she didn't really like you anyway. She was just using you. She's a nut and it's not your fault.

[–]TooManyGuys[S] [スコア非表示]  (15子コメント)

She had a really long and extensive sexual past that she kept hidden, while portraying herself as reserved.

[–]CSMom74 [スコア非表示]  (14子コメント)

People change. A crazy past can make someone reserved later when they regret their past.

[–]--IAmBecomeThatGuy-- [スコア非表示]  (4子コメント)

You don't lie about your past though. You don't get to make the decision, you leave that up to the person you are supposedly 100% honest with.

[–]CSMom74 [スコア非表示]  (3子コメント)

She didn't lie about her past. She simply didn't bring up her past. From what I have read so far, there is no part where she lied about it, just didn't tell him.

And yes she does get to make that decision. Its her past. She obviously knew what has reaction would be and she was in love with him and she didn't want that type and. She made mistakes before him.

[–]--IAmBecomeThatGuy-- [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

She simply didn't bring up her past. From what I have read so far, there is no part where she lied about it, just didn't tell him.

Seems like a pretty huge thing to 'oops i forgot to tell you' kind of thing. Thats what led to the breakup, you shouldn't hide such a major thing from someone you are supposed to be 100% honest with. Its a lie of omission.

[–]CSMom74 [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

Well it looks like he got to walk away and she paid the price of losing him and in the end she couldn't handle that. I'm not saying it's his fault for leaving her, but I'm sure she had a lot of guilt for that life she to used to live anyway. She may have felt nobody would ever be able to see past it.

[–]--IAmBecomeThatGuy-- [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Oh probably. But judging from these comments there are tons of people who would have seen past it, too bad she couldn't.

[–]TooManyGuys[S] [スコア非表示]  (8子コメント)

To me, that just says "I don't think as highly of you as I though of the 235 guys before you".

[–]Lemon_Knope [スコア非表示]  (3子コメント)

I don't understand this logic. She slept with 235 guys for money, validation, whatever (escort/addiction, right?), but not necessarily because she WANTED them. Then, she wants to marry you and sleep with only you forever. How do you perceive that situation as her valuing the 235 randos over you?

[–]OniTan [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

Some people place emphasis on only having sex with people they care about, some people like casual sex with many partners. Neither is "right" but it's a compatibility issue and people can reject someone as a partner for any reason. OP and his ex clearly didn't have the same values and she should have been honest with him if she wanted a relationship with him.

[–]Lemon_Knope [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

No arguments here. But that doesn't explain why he feels like her sexual past (which she is eager to overcome) is a reflection on him.

[–]nxqv [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Because he equates having lots and lots of dirty filthy sex to feeling valued.

[–]ApricotPickles [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Please consider seeing a therapist. You're making her experiences about yourself; you're appropriating her life. This has been an issue since before her death. Please do consider seeing a professional to help you with the inner issues, and with the guilt over her death.

[–]CSMom74 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I don't thanks she gave them their number either. As long as she wasn't still screwing anybody else and she was completely monogamous to him, why should she have to tell him anything?

How did she not think anymore highly of him than them? She was Facebook to him, as far as we know.

[–][削除されました]  (1子コメント)

[removed]

    [–]OpticalNecessity[M] [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

    Carefull

    Please read the rules and remember to remain kind and civil