When a new story fallsthrough the cracks,
Lewis Black hatches it in asegment we call "Back in Black."
(applause and cheering)
Osama bin Laden!
We all knowhe was the scum of the earth
and deserves to rot in hell.
But did you also know how muchhe loved the written word?
The CIA releases new documents
uncovered in the raid on Osama bin Laden.
A second releasenow to the public...
WOMAN: ...providing some interesting insights
into the terrorist's mind.
MAN: And they shed new light
on what he was thinking, reading
and writing in his final days.
That's right.
Bin Laden was readingand thinking.
While we were spending allthat money trying to find him,
he was trying to find himself.
(laughter)
When SEAL Team Six kicked inthe door, he was nestled
next to the fire with a glass of wine
and a copy of Eat, Pray, Love.
(laughter)
Yes, it turns out the guytrying to blow up the world
had his own concerns about whatwould happen once he was gone.
You see an Osama bin Ladenwho was obsessed,
you might say,with his own death.
He had a last willand testament in there.
That's right. Bin Laden hada last will and testament.
The first line read,"Stop sharing!"
(laughter)
And to my loved ones,I leave you this.
He says he has $29 million
stashed in the African countryof Sudan.
Let me quote from this:
Sorry, bin Laden,
you may have beena feared terrorist,
but no grandkid spendstheir inheritance money
how you want them to.
They'll just buy oneof those flammable hoverboards
-and a bunch of bitcoin.-(laughter)
Although I do respect a manwho asks his grandkids
(chuckles):to kill themselves,
I don't knowyou could do that in a will.
I need to call my lawyer.
Listen, schmuck,have the following people
kill themselves,starting with you!
(laughter)
But don't be surprised thatOsama was tough on his family.
Last year we found out howhe treated potential employees.
NEWSWOMAN: One of the more stunning documents--
a job application for those seeking to join al-Qaeda,
asking about hobbies, special skills,
and instructions to write legibly,
-(laughter)-You're telling me
you get a guy who's willingto blow himself up
but you're gonna turn him down
because you can't readhis handwriting?!
That's liketurning an organ donor down
because he chewswith his mouth open.
NEWSWOMAN: And then this...
-(laughter)-Emergency martyr contact?!
That's the stupidest (bleep)thing I've ever heard of!
BLACK: Does every job involve bureaucratic nonsense?
The one perk of beinga suicide bomber
should be no paperwork!
You just say, "Yes, I'm all in!"
(laughter)
But there's a lotabout bin Laden
in these new documentsthat you wouldn't expect.
Osama bin Laden wasan environmentalist.
In letters discoveredin his compound in Pakistan,
bin Laden worriedabout the dangers of
"catastrophic climate change."
President Obamahad an unlikely ally
in the fight to slow climate change-- Osama bin Laden.
Who knew that President Obamahad such a infamous ally?
NEWSMAN: He jumpedon that bandwagon, didn't he?
-(laughs): Yes, he did.-So to speak.
Oh, of course.
Obama and bin Ladenwere friends.
That's why Obamahunted him down,
shot him in the face, thenthrew his corpse into the ocean.
You know-- friend stuff.
(laughter, applause, whooping)
Listen... listen, you numbnuts,
just because Obama and bin Laden
both wantedto stop climate change,
that doesn't make them buddies.
Guess what.I'm a (bleep) painter.
But that doesn't make me friendswith Hitler.
(laughter)
You know,this whole climate change issue
makes one thing very clear--
bin Laden wasn't justany old douche bag terrorist.
He was a douche bagterrorist mastermind.
He knew if he stood upfor fixing climate change,
then Americans would beanti-climate change,
and then climate changewould destroy America.
It's his final plot against us!
Nice try, bin Laden.
You think we're that stupid?
So listen to me,climate change deniers,
either get on boardwith fixing this,
or the terrorists win.