I need multiculturalism because a bunch of globalists told me that my culture is inferior and needs to be enriched.

I need illegal immigration because the only way to make my country better is to allow infinity third world people to invade it and exploit its welfare system.

I need affirmative action because I think that ending racial discrimination at the work place can only be achieved by using racial quotas to determine who gets the job.

I need political correctness because I don't want to live in a society that tells the truth because it might hurt my feelings.

I need open borders because I refuse to live in a country that actually believes it has the right to preserve itself or protect its citizens from external threats since that would be racist.

I need diversity because living in a homogeneous community that shares the same culture, identity, and heritage would ultimately lead to another mass-lampshading of innocent Jews.

I need white privilege because I don't want to lose my invisible knapsack of magical rights and privileges that makes me totally untouchable in any given situation.

I need Black Lives Matter because it is the only way I can constantly be reminded that black lives only matter when white people take them.

I need gun control because I would feel a lot safer if law-abiding citizens were disarmed so that weapons can only be available for people who illegally obtain them.

I need racial equality because anyone who acknowledges white genocide obviously deserves to be labeled an evil white supremacist.

I need Communism because I seriously feel like I shouldn't have to work as hard as the next person and I want free everything.

I need LGBT because I would be totally unaware of how bigoted I am if disgusting and perverted people didn't constantly shove their abnormal lifestyles down my throat.

I need Sharia law because I would feel a lot safer knowing that at any moment I could be tortured, maimed, or killed for violating laws made by a Middle Eastern cult during the Stone Age.

I need the Holocaust because it makes it a lot easier for me to trust the Jews if I can believe their story about 6 million innocent people getting turned into soap and lampshades while totally ignoring the fact that Communist Jews slaughtered over 60 million Europeans during the Bolshevik Revolution.

I need hate speech laws because anyone who would dare use the truth to refute an argument should be punished or imprisoned.

I need Internet censorship because we shouldn't have to worry about getting our feelings hurt by mean words on Twitter.

I need SJWs because they teach me that my feelings are more important than facts.

I need white guilt because the only way we can have peace in this world is if white people are shamed into thinking they're a cancer to humanity.