I always tell myself "it isn't that bad" and blame myself for a lot of bad situations because "I wasn't abused" like other people. I was never physically or sexually abused, to the best of my knowledge. I often feel like I'm making a big deal out of little things, and I don't deserve to ask for help with my emotional baggage.

Anyway, here's a list of things that remind me what I've gone through.

• I came home from getting braces and NMom yelled at EDad and I for getting me the "wrong type of braces"
• I suffered intense anxiety at the PSAT and my booklet was stuck together the wrong way, so I missed filling in three sections because I was terrified to ask for another booklet when the test was already in progress. I was yelled at and told I "could have just asked" and they "didn't raise me like this".
• NMom wanted me to go to a sing-along movie with her despite knowing I'm too scared to sing around other people. She told me I either had to wear a frilly pink dress (knowing I hated it) or I had to drive us there (I had a severe driving phobia and often broke down while driving). I wore the dress.
• I got my learner's permit to drive when I was 15 and suffered anxiety for years because NMom would force me to drive with her in the passenger seat, and even when I would have breakdowns she would act like "if you just drove more you would get over it." I didn't get my full license until I was 21 because of this, and I still sometimes break down if a car swerves in front of me or someone almost causes an accident on the road.
• NMom once told me to "learn a song to sing for the children" at Thanksgiving, knowing that I was scared to sing around people and knowing I am uncomfortable around children. When I politely refused, she acted personally wounded and offended, said she might as well sing for them instead. She did not.
• NMom insisted that if my SO did not take a heavy cabinet to the dump before we moved (he was keeping it and his parents agreed to move it), my family would not help me physically or financially to move. She brought this up out of nowhere, three days before my family was set to help us move.
• NMom would often use alternative healing methods on me, whether physical or emotional healing, and would get very upset and offended if I didn't want to try them. More than once when I refused to try these methods, she forced me to, including one memory where she physically poked me repeatedly, hard, at different "chakra points" while I cried for her to stop. When she was done and I was still crying, she got huffy because "why are you crying? This shouldn't make you uncomfortable."
• NMom once remarked that my best friend, who had been with her SO for four years, would be a perfect match for my GC brother. When I told her that wasn't appropriate, NMom blew up at me and then said "I don't know why you're so upset".
• NMom once yelled at me because I forgot to take cushions off the patio when it started to rain. When I said I forgot, she said repeatedly, "You didn't forget. YOU DIDN'T FORGET. Stop making excuses!"
• When I was in middle-school and high-school, I wasn't allowed to style my hair, wear makeup, or wear high heels. It wasn't a Rule, but NMom would say things like "You don't need makeup, you're already so pretty!" or "You don't need to shave your legs just to fit in, you're only 12" (I have French in me and I am MORTIFIED by body hair...) or "you're a little young for that". I was NEVER allowed to paint my nails red or black (red was "innapropriate and hot" and black was "depressing").
• Likewise, NMom would take me into stores like Hot Topic and then say, "You can't wear any of this/wear all black, people will think you're abused and suicidal."
• I never saw an R-rated movie until I was already 17. I realize these are adult movies, but now I know that many kids are taken to R movies when they're in their teens, and I never had that. Ever.
• Throughout childhood and even up to 17 or 18, NMom would track or make GCbro and I track our computer/video-game time. She would change her mind constantly on how many hours were "okay" and how to track them. Keep in mind, both of us were A students and were extremely subservient to her, so there were no behavioral issues leading to her strict rules.
• NMom had EDad install software on our computers from when we were 14-17ish that SHUT DOWN the computers at midnight. It could not be overridden. Again, we were responsible students who rarely/never questioned authority.
• NMom would say "you don't spend enough time outside" and would lock GCbro and I outside in the backyard for a set time (1 or 2 hours usually) with pretty much nothing to do. We weren't allowed in until the hour/two hours was up.
• I got a scholarship to stay with a family in Japan, but I hadn't been vaccinated as a child (NMom's choice), and the agency didn't find out until there was a Measles outbreak near me in Japan. Somehow it was my fault that I wasn't vaccinated, and when I finally got home, having completed the full two month stay with immense anxiety and having fallen into a deep depression, NMom said "you should have just come home if you were suffering."
• When I was 20, I was taken on a 15-hour each way road trip to see relatives. I was forced to drive part of the way though I had a severe driving phobia and the van was loud with dogs and family arguing. This was NMom, Edad, GC bro, two dogs, and me in a minivan. Staying in relatives' houses, sometimes in a basement or on a couch, while I had intense anxiety and fell into a deep depression (and contemplated suicide; I am serious here) with only texting my SO to get me through it. When we arrived home after the 15-hour drive, NMom immediately turned to me and said, "Finally home! You were so shitty on that trip." I apologized and went to my room.
• I once had an "accident" and took Plan B for it. When NMom found out, she flipped out because "It wreaks havoc with your body and something could have happened to you, you should have asked me first!" ... I was 23, did my research, and there was no way I was having a child rather than "wreak havoc with my body" on a one-time basis. By the way, I had no bad reactions whatsoever to the PlanB.
• When I was 23, NMom decided she was starting yet another miracle cure diet and insisted that I do it too (I wasn't living at home anymore). I politely refused several times, but she bought thousands of dollars worth of vitamin supplements and "made me" do the diet too. I took the supplements for at least three months and attempted the diet, but after a few weeks was too weak to actually go to work. I stopped the diet but continued the vitamins, lying to her while I ate normal human food.
• NMom bought extremely expensive ticket to a... herbalism camp in the mountains. She knew she was not healthy enough to hike or walk around camp. A couple weeks before the event she begged me to go with her "because something might happen to me or I could have a seizure." Of course I had no choice (...) so I took her there. She passed out in the middle of a walk and I caught her, thought she was dead. I helped carry her, held myself together through hours of medical help being administered. She was not able to walk by herself after. I did not sleep. The next morning she insisted that we stay another day because "there's a miracle cure I need to learn about to help GC brother." I SAID NO and I took her home. On the drive home, shaking and still unable to hardly walk, she says, "We'll go next year we'll just stay in a hotel and it'll be fine."
• After NMom turned a short trip (SO and I flying to see relatives for a couple days) into Family Road Trip II: Narc-ageddon (15-hour each way road trip in a minivan with NMom, EDad, GCbro, dogs, me, and SO) I finally stood up to her and refused to go, getting very emotional because I felt I was letting everyone down but I COULDN'T do that trip again. NMom told me "Now your Dad won't see his father before he dies and it's your fault" because "if you and SO don't go, none of us are going." She accused SO of "taking me away from my family" despite the fact that I was at the family house 3-6 times a week while having a job and my own apartment. Me and SO did not go on the hellish trip, but the rest of my family did go, and EDad did see his father (and his father is still alive today).
• My impetus for posting here back in December. SO accidentally said in front of NMom back in August that he and I were spending Xmas Day together (and would visit both our families Xmas week). NMom gasped loudly, then said "I can't talk about this" and held me on pins and needles for months. Finally in December she said, "I can't wait to see you two on Xmas Day" as if I had changed my plans (I hadn't). I told her again I would see both families right around Xmas but Xmas Day would be just me and SO (4+ year relationship, never spent a Xmas together...). Guilt, shame, "If you don't feel like seeing us at Xmas, EDad won't feel like financially supporting you"... "You might as well cut off your whole family"... etcetera. NMom manipulated me into lying to my SO and telling him "we need to go to my house on Xmas Day", violating the plans we'd had for several months. Realized I was being manipulated and EDad agreed I could come up on Xmas Eve. Great! Then EDad called back saying "I never said that, you need to come on Xmas DAY". I said no. This is my current disaster because no matter what I do, how polite I am, NMom will not talk about anything she said or did, and my whole family is "confused and hurt" that I'm not comfortable visiting.

This helped me get some perspective back. There are many, many more things. Maybe I'll return and edit when I remember.

TL;DR - These are the days of our lives.