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"Ugly" gay success stories? (self.askgaybros)

Savory911 が 投稿

Hello!

I always hear from others that "ugly" or less desirable guys can still find love/success if they are confident, improve their bodies, etc. Does anyone have some success stories? What did you do to make yourself more desirable to others? Where are you now?

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[–]ScaryBurger 73ポイント74ポイント  (29子コメント)

I get dates all the time and I'm an uggo. I'm about 2 or 3 out of 10 on the looks scale.

Here's some tips that people in this sub could really use.

  1. Stop using your physical characteristics as a scape goat. Saying that you're not getting dates because you're ugly, or a certain race, or have a big nose is just an excuse to make yourself feel better. None of these are reasons you're not getting dates, it's something else.

  2. Realize that life and dating aren't fair and that if you want to get dates, you have to stack the deck in your favor the best you can. What does this mean? Work on the things you CAN control and stop worrying about what you can't.

  3. Work on your body (work out), your mind, learn new skills and have lots of hobbies. The more interesting you are to yourself, the more interesting you'll be to others. Make yourself presentable. So many of these selfies I see have people looking like they strolled out of a methadone clinic. I know someone told you long ago you're a special snowflake and you can dress how you want. While technically true, its not going to get you very far in dating.

  4. Learn to hold a conversation. I feel this is a lost art. Practice on your cat if you have to. Things like eye contact, smiling, and confidence go a long way in generating attraction. If you're looking sadly down at your phone the entire time (or down at your phone at all while on a date) you're going to fail.

  5. Stop putting so much worth into a date. Dating is a numbers game. If you get too hung up on a date you're about to go on and it doesn't work out and you're super sad and mopey and never want to date again that's you're fault. Go, have fun, be natural. If it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't.

[–]Nightheaters 13ポイント14ポイント  (3子コメント)

Also, you'll be more successful on other "uggos"

[–]cspyny 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

I've had the complete opposite experience. And it gives me a huge inferiority complex.

I'd also say I am a 2 or 3. Probably closer to two. Because of lack of confidence, I would never talk to anyone online who I thought was better looking than myself ... I mean, they wouldn't turn me down ... right? They often did.

The only real relationships I have had were from guys much better than myself starting it off by talking to me first and going from there.

I absolutely do not understand it

[–]Nightheaters 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

Maybe you underestimate your attractiveness?

[–]cspyny 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

If I lose 50 pounds I may jump up a number or two. Maybe people aren't as superficial as I think they are?

[–]Pink_Five 18ポイント19ポイント  (0子コメント)

Stop it with this logic of yours right now!

People don't want to work on themselves. They want to easily, casually date a few guys and bam, third guy was 'the one' who's hot, hung and totes into them.

People don't know how to deal with, "no"/rejection. It's like they get it once and bam, "I'm foreveralone!"

All of your points were spot on and I hope it helps at least one guy out there.

[–]henare 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

Learn to hold a conversation. I feel this is a lost art.

OMG this. 10000x this!

[–]Savory911[S] 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

This is great advice! I'm already doing 3 and 4. I feel like 5 is definitely the thing I needed to hear the most. It's so easy to feel down when you get rejected. I tend to end up just wondering what about me they hated. Definitely something I need to work on.

[–]PrettySneaky71 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

I tend to end up just wondering what about me they hated

Even here you can see the negative thinking dude. Someone not wanting to date you doesn't mean they hated something about you, or that if you just fixed all the "bad" things then the relationship could have gone differently. It just might mean that you guys weren't really that compatible or the chemistry wasn't that great. No big deal.

[–]btmboi 2ポイント3ポイント  (4子コメント)

have lots of hobbies. The more interesting you are to yourself, the more interesting you'll be to others

This part is hard for me. I think that this is the main reason why I've never gotten dates. My main interests are electronic music (listening, events, etc.), gaming, and traveling. Two of these are not widely accepted as "attractive" hobbies, so I'm forced to do less of these and develop other hobbies that might not be as fun or interesting to me, just for the purpose of appearing more attractive and interesting to potential mates.

[–]umpteenth_ 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

Try having reading and tournament Scrabble as your hobbies. WRT those two, I have not met anyone yet who did not think they had to put on airs to impress me.

[–]btmboi 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

PC gaming. I guess I could pick up reading.

[–]_Norm_ 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

Post pics?

[–]Andrew985 1ポイント2ポイント  (7子コメント)

There absolutely are people that won't date ugly people or people of certain races (mostly non-white). We see people express these views on this sub all the time, so I don't understand why you are saying it never happens.

[–]ScaryBurger 1ポイント2ポイント  (6子コメント)

I never said it never happens, I'm saying its not the reason someone isn't getting dates. There are people out there that don't like ugly gingers but I still get lots of dates, I don't come here boohooing because I'm an ugly ginger and no one likes me.

I roll with the punches and move on, something anyone dating should be able to do.

[–]umpteenth_ 1ポイント2ポイント  (5子コメント)

Good for you, and your advice is generally sound, but you have something minorities don't: the luxury of being treated like an individual. Almost no one puts "no ugly gingers" on their profile, while many put "no [insert race here]" and vocally defend their right to do so.

You approach the dating game and get treated like an individual. Some will like you, some won't. Many others approach the same game disadvantaged from the get go because they don't get that chance. A lot have already decided that they are not worth pursuing before they open their mouths.

If you think I'm hiding behind excuses, change your profile picture to that of a black, or Asian, or other minority person. Change nothing else, and approach guys like you normally would. Then report back on the level of interest you get. If your theory that race does not matter is correct, you should still get a lot of attention. But as many people who have done similar experiments will tell you, you won't.

[–]ScaryBurger 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

You're entire presumption is flawed. You can't just replace a picture of one person with the picture of someone else and expect the same results. It doesn't work like that because the people are different meaning different people will be attracted to them.

Minorities have no difference in dating, its just not there and you'll never convince me otherwise. It boils down to the individual person looking for dates each and every time.

People know what they're attracted to and it is 100% perfectly acceptable (albeit rude) to put it in their profile. Its no different from someone saying "I don't want to date anyone over 300lbs". They aren't attracted to people with certain characteristics and thats ok because its completely normal.

Again, if someone isn't getting dates its not because of their race/looks, its something else. Many times people have no clue how to present themselves, or take decent pictures of themselves, or they have no information in their profile that describes anything about them. There's a million other reasons but people use race or looks because they like to feel like a victim.

[–]umpteenth_ 2ポイント3ポイント  (3子コメント)

You're entire presumption is flawed. You can't just replace a picture of one person with the picture of someone else and expect the same results. It doesn't work like that because the people are different meaning different people will be attracted to them.

Yes, you can. Different people will be attracted to them, but if your premise is that it's a numbers game, a minority will have far fewer people interested in him than the non-minority. This is not a figment of my imagination. It has been the subject of several news articles and several people have posted here about how they changed their profiles from black to white and became disappointed with the vastly greater level of interest.

You might want to deny this because it does not fit your narrative. That's fine. But please don't tell the minorities who have had to deal with exclusion that it is their fault that others choose to exclude them because of their skin.

[–]ScaryBurger 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

That's fine. But please don't tell the minorities who have had to deal with exclusion that it is their fault that others choose to exclude them because of their skin.

Well I'm going to keep telling you that because its the truth, you just don't want to accept it. By your logic most or all minorities would be single, and that just isn't the case, not even close. I bet money if someone posted on here that they weren't getting dates because of their race and showed us their profile it would be because of something else. Guaranteed. (Heck look at the thread yesterday with the guy with the unusual haircut. His race wasn't the issue at all.)

Out of the 6+ years I've been on the apps I've seen three, maybe four profiles that state things like "No blacks, no fems, etc". It's not a widespread thing like the internet likes to pretend. I just opened up Scruff and Grindr before replying and not a single profile said anything about who they don't want to sleep with except for one stating he wasn't into heavy guys.

No one owes anyone else love and affection. Its a fact of life and obviously you and a few others can't seem to grasp this. If (hypothetically) I want to state that I only want to date 6 foot tall pacific islanders and no one else you have zero right to get upset. You don't get to dictate what others are attracted to in a mate.

So again, if you're not getting dates its something about you, blaming ethnicity is nothing more than an excuse.

[–]umpteenth_ 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

Sigh...

Minorities have no difference in dating, its just not there and you'll never convince me otherwise.

Someone posted this thread a while back about how he normally got 1-2 messages a week on Grindr, messed with an Instagram filter that made him look light-skinned, and received 50 messages when he used that picture on Grindr. He got compliments on his "features," which remained the same but somehow become worth complimenting when his skin was lightened. In the same thread was this anecdote shared by /u/Infidel8:

Quick anecdote: Many years ago, I met a guy on OkCupid.

I was still building my profile page and hadn't uploaded pictures yet. He read the text of my in-progress profile and messaged me, saying it was one of the best profiles he'd read and that he would love to meet up sometime. I wasn't up to much and was excited to have my first online date, so I asked him to grab coffee later that evening.

When I showed up, he was a totally different person. He wouldn't make eye contact, barely spoke, and was totally standoffish. I kept trying to break the ice to no avail. Finally, he just looked at me and said: "You seem really nice, but I thought you were white. I'm sorry." (Guess he skipped the demographics info on my profile)

WE talked for another couple minutes and then he vanished into thin air.

This person thought he was worth dating ("One of the best profiles he'd read"), but despite his personality, told him, "Sorry, I thought you were white."

Another user writes that he says he's Latino rather than Asian on his profile because he gets much more attention as a Latino than as a Asian.

And in this unscientific experiment by a blogger, he got up to twice as many messages as a white person than as an Asian.

There absolutely are differences when it comes to minorities and gay dating. To deny that they exist is to hide your head in the sand. Racial preferences exist, and stack the deck against some, just like weight preferences stack the deck against some people. But when you have a person who has lost a lot weight and suddenly found that he's now getting more attention on Grindr (see examples in this thread), you would not tell him that all the lack of attention he experienced before was imaginary, and that it was just because he had other issues besides his weight, especially if you yourself were never overweight.

This is devolving into a race-based thread, and neither of our minds will change on this matter. So you do you. You may have the last word if you like. I won't be responding.

[–]ScaryBurger -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

All of those "comparisons" are nonsense because again, people are attracted to different things. You can't compare people with different pictures and consider it any kind of scientific test.

People need to stop using race and attractiveness as crutches and look at themselves long and hard why they aren't getting dates. It's never anything to do with race/attractiveness. It always boils down to confidence, how they present themselves, and if they have conversation skills.

[–]EnForgeant 0ポイント1ポイント  (6子コメント)

2 or 3 out of 10

Really? You might be overly critical of yourself, bro. :)

[–]Andrew985 1ポイント2ポイント  (5子コメント)

Dude. Most people are average looking, but there are just as many people that are below average as there are people above average. Very possible that he's a 2 or a 3.

[–]EnForgeant 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

For that to be true, you must assume that attractiveness follows a symmetric distribution. That might not be true! Additionally, even if there are an equal number of below- and above-average attractiveness people, it might still be the case that the distribution of attractiveness is mostly clustered around 5 with very very few outliers below 4 and above 6 (think like a normal distribution). So I maintain that it's still very unlikely---in a statistical sense---that this given person is a 2 out of 10.

[Further complicating matters is the fact that he is clearly at least somewhat educated and has access to a computer, demographic indicators that would decrease the probability of something like a disfiguring birth or developmental defect. But this might admittedly be playing too much with statistics.]

[–]Andrew985 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

Outliers occur after three standard deviations from the mean. Suggesting anything beyond a 4/6 is an outlier is ludicrous. There are far too many people I would consider (un)attractive for the population to be so narrowly distributed around 5.

[–]EnForgeant 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

We might just live in differently attractive areas then, because I disagree with your last sentence. ;)

As for your first sentence, you're objectively wrong that there's a mathematical definition of what constitutes an outlier. I'd challenge you to find a source saying otherwise. Moreover, how many standard deviations away plausibly constitutes an outlier depends largely on the specifics of the distribution.

[–]Andrew985 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I just went over this last semester in a statistics course. I'll look up the textbook we used when I get home. I'll have to edit this later.

[–]EnForgeant 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I also don't have access to most sources at the moment, but for what it's worth (being wikipedia and all), see:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outlier

right under "Identifying Outliers." The footnotes shortly thereafter are to real sources, and the fact that detection methods vary ought to be enough to refute your bright-line claim.

[–]SirCupcake 26ポイント27ポイント  (1子コメント)

I once got 2 messages on grindr.

[–]mythosopher 24ポイント25ポイント  (0子コメント)

Same here. They were bots tho. :/

[–]blazerfan_fml 6ポイント7ポイント  (3子コメント)

I'm 6'1'', 275lbs and do relatively well in the dating/hookup game. I'm probably a 4/5 outta 10 (chubby/fat but tall and athletic. Think of a linemen in football). Some guys are just into different looks/body types/styles. I used to have a FWB who was 6'9'' without an ounce of fat on him. He had a 6pack, defined chest/pecs, big strong arms, long muscular legs (and a fat dick ;). If you looked at the two of us together, it would admittedly look a little odd. But we were both super into each other and the sex was great!

Best advice I can give is if you find someone attractive/interesting, say hi. Doesn't matter how "hot" you think they are or how far out of their league you think you might be. If you are interested, do something about it. You'd be surprised at how many guys are receptive to at least have a conversation. And really, once your foot is in the door, anything is possible.

[–]PrettySneaky71 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

On top of this, I have to point out that the best reason to put yourself out there is that you have nothing to lose. Yeah, rejection hurts and feels bad in the moment. It can definitely be embarrassing. But not approaching someone will always yield the same exact result as being rejected--you continue to be alone.

[–]umpteenth_ 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

You would also be surprised at the number of people who block you when you do so.

[–]blazerfan_fml 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

If they are going to block me just because I introduced myself or made first contact, then I have no trouble being blocked by them. In fact, I encourage it. Saves me on the blocks per day limit ;)

[–]nsdwight 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

NPH has a cute husband.

(Totally kidding, I wouldn't say no to him either.)

[–]Ryagan 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

A good haircut, confidence, and fashion sense go a long way.

[–]DrPhil22 9ポイント10ポイント  (1子コメント)

As the saying goes, learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Being "ugly" is a subjective opinion. And there are certainly other traits besides physical attractiveness that count way more towards being a suitable mate.

[–]PrettySneaky71 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Not only are looks subjective, but the one thing I've found is that the attractiveness of confidence is pretty universal. If you are calling yourself "ugly" and advertising yourself as such... then sheesh, no wonder you aren't having a lot of luck! Let other people decide for themselves how they feel about your looks.

[–]Mahboioi77 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

From my personal experiece, a small change in style can go a long way. A simple thing like getting more stylish clothes or (in my case) more stylish glasses, can have a huge effect on how guys see you.

[–]MonkeyRugger 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Confidence and how you carry yourself are key factors!!!

I'm in the middle looks wise I'd say. I have a good beard, and nice eyes but I'm short and chubby and ridiculously hairy but this is the hand I was dealt. And I play that hand the best I can!

I live by the motto "Fake it til you make it" and this has gotten me to amazing heights.

[–]Merari01 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

The man I was with for 20 years was not hot by a long shot. Gangly, balding, big nose and ears. But he was self-confident and most importantly, funny. He carried himself well and had good taste in clothes.

What matters is not really someone's looks but more how they interact with other people, how they carry themselves.

[–]bob-omb_panic 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

I always thought I was ugly but I seem to get just as many offers as my "hot" friends on Grindr so idk. This weekend a guy actually came out to see my friend who I perceive as the hot one and ended up going home with me.

It's weird, outside of Grindr and gay bars I get zero attention in that way though. I've only been hit on by a girl once in my adult life (unless I'm just oblivious, but I seriously doubt it.)

[–]umpteenth_ 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

In real life, I have never been hit on, either by a guy or a girl.

[–]somekook 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Women aren't as direct as dudes most of the time.

[–]Peemster99 3ポイント4ポイント  (5子コメント)

Barney Frank is ugly as hell and he was the most powerful homo since Alexander Hamilton.

[–]dranedry 3ポイント4ポイント  (2子コメント)

I had no idea who he was, just looked him up. He's average, not really ugly.

[–]somekook 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

His boyfriend is a hot surfer.

[–]dranedry 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just looked up pics of the husband... he is better looking but not like omg super hot. Maybe because he's above my ideal age range anyway but eh.