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I Am a Gay BasherPossible Trigger (self.lgbt)Possible Trigger
submitted by GuiltyGayBasher
I Am A Gay Basher
This is a throw-away account. I'm writing this because something just tells me I need to say it without hiding from the grim details. Warning: this will get pretty brutal.
I was a teenager during the 90s and grew up in a somewhat rural part of what is still a deep red part of the U.S. Life revolved around high school, sports, Sunday church, hunting and all that. Very Friday Night Lights. I was a good student but also in the jock crowd, and it was the nature of the beast that you gave shit to lessers at school.
When I was a senior, I hung out with two other boys I'll call Joe and Rob. Joe was the ringleader, Rob and I pretty much followed his lead. I wasn't confident enough to be a leader, so I was one of those middle-of-the-pack mooks who did what the leaders said. By that year we'd gotten into weed, and Joe was our hookup, so we were his friends.
Keep in mind this mix of things about me, not as an excuse for anything you're about to read, but an explanation: 1) 17 year old boy, 2) ultra-conservative family, 3) rural America, 4) 20 years ago.
So you can guess how we felt about homosexuals: completely alien and inhuman to us. All we ever heard was that "fags" were child molesters, prancing sissies, communists, etc. They would go to Hell. It was pervasive in our world to despise gays. They weren't people, and this was pretty much universally accepted.
When I was a senior, a new kid named Drew came into our school, his parents had moved from out-of-state. He was a sophomore so I'd guess 15 and an instant target. He was new and different. He was small, skinny, and pale. He was a quiet, shy nerd who wore uncool clothes. He was into Pogs (90s kids will know) and other stuff that was lame to us. But worst of all for him, he was effeminate and like the wolves we were we honed in on him. It wasn't every day at first, but as the year went on we got worse to him. My guys weren't the only ones who got him, but we were the worst.
"Fag, faggot, queer, homo, pervert, butt pirate, cocksucker, dicklicker," and anything else you imagine were hurled at him, said as we coughed into our fist (we were clever eh?). Knocked him with our shoulders and bookbags. Gave him “friendly” punches to his arms that were meant to cause pain. Tripped him in the hallway. Threw his notebooks around. Gave him wet willies and asked him if it was like his boyfriend's tongue. Let out the air in his bike tires. We'd get in our daily abuse and humiliation on him and feel satisfied with ourselves. We kept it just low-key enough at school that nobody ever stopped us. Teachers would warn us when we said shit to him in class, but that was it. He never complained to the school administrators.
I must stress: through all this, Drew never really fought back. He didn't deny being gay, and that set us off. He would just take it when we called him names. He'd scurry away from us when we came near him. He was afraid of us, and we loved it. And the kid never ever EVER did a thing to deserve it. We did it because we thought it was fun and we'd get in our daily abuse on him and feel satisfied with ourselves. But in no way were we “just having fun” with him or believed what we were doing was harmless to him. He wasn't human to us, he was a “fag” loser. We talked openly about how we wanted to make his life miserable so he'd go away.
The one day where Drew finally didn't just take it from us is what led to the incident that guts me. Joe had been escalating the physical stuff—slamming into lockers, slapping his face and such. Drew snapped and tried to fight back. Skinny kid maybe 5'5” jumping on a 6'+ athlete and trying to pummel him. It was quickly broken up by a teacher. None of us were impressed by his fighting back, we thought it was hilarious and pathetic. But Joe was PISSED at him and we decided that the kid deserved a good beating for it.
The opportunity came a week or two later. There was a shitty mall in our town, and being bored teenagers we would hang out there when we didn't have better things to do. As total douchebags, Joe, Rob and I would walk around in it and act like we were kings. On a Saturday night we happened to see Drew there, by himself.
I'll stress: what you're about to read was planned. The moment we saw him, the three of us coldly planned out how we were going to give him a beating. We laughed to each other about it being “smear the queer.” At no point during this did I have one ounce of misgiving about what we were going to do.
WARNING: I'm not going to hold back here. This is going to be horrible and brutal. I have to describe what we did to this kid because if I don't, I am white-washing it. Writing this stuff out is the hardest fucking thing I've ever done in my life.
We waited in Joe's truck outside for Drew to exit and get on his bike. He took off down a back road we all knew that was about 2 miles through woods back to the part of town where he lived. We waited for him to get down the road some ways and then went after him.
First thing Joe did when we spotted Drew on his bike was to get right behind him and rev the engine. I don't know if he realized who was behind him, but Joe had a big-ass truck. He tried to move to the shoulder, but Joe stayed with him. I told Joe to get as close as he could and try to “tap” his rear wheel. The kid was pedaling like crazy and we were laughing our asses off. Finally he veered his bike off into the grass and fell off it and Joe stopped the truck right away.
We hopped out and before Drew could get up we grabbed him and threw his bike into the truck bed and pushed him into the truck cabin. He was clearly terrified and shaking as I held him and we drove to an entry drive to an industrial yard just off the road. I remember he didn't say a word as we drove, while Joe outright told him we were going to give him a beating for his behavior, especially his attempt to fight back earlier.
After we parked, I hauled him out and one of the others grabbed his bike and threw it on the ground. First thing the other 2 did was stomp on his bike some and bend the wheels. Drew didn't say a thing, I kept holding him. I remember having his arm in my grip and he was trembling.
Joe then took the lead. He started lightly slapping Drew across the face and taunting him for being a faggot, a pervert and for thinking he could fight him. Told him to go ahead and start fighting him if he wanted to. If he wanted to ever be a man, he'd have to prove it. Harder slaps. Grabbing his hair and pulling it. Joe slugged him in the stomach and I let him drop to the ground.
By this time Drew was crying, pleading for Joe to stop and finally trying to squirm away. Joe told me to get his legs, and I did. Joe then began punching him in his face while he was on the ground. Rob and I kicked his legs. We kicked his sides. We kicked his stomach. I know my foot made contact with his groin at least once. Drew shrieked and bawled. He rolled over, tried to crawl. We were a mass of kicking and punching then. We spat on him, called him "fag" and "faggot" and "queer" over and over. My adrenaline was pumping, it was like I was out of my own body. I got in my own punches. I don't know how long this lasted, but less than five minutes. Three 6'+ tall guys wailing on a 15-year-old half our size without giving a damn.
Rob was the one who said he'd had enough and we stopped. We were all heaving like animals surrounding a kill we'd hunted. We let Drew roll around crying and moaning on the ground. His face was a mass of blood and tears and spit. Joe told us to stand him up and we did. If there is a tiny, eensy sliver of humanity here, it's that we wanted to make sure he could still walk so he could go home.
Joe grabbed his throat and said that Drew would tell his momma that he got jumped by someone he didn't know who robbed him. He actually pulled the kid's wallet out of his pants and took his money. That's right, we fucking robbed him of a few bucks we didn't need to cover our tracks. If Drew told anyone we did this, the threat was clear: he'd die. We then got in the truck and tore off, leaving Drew in the dark a mile from anywhere.
The rest of the night is a blur for me. I was coming down from the adrenaline high. But I remember thinking that it must be like a soldier who is in combat the first time. I'd never fought much before, and never delivered a beating like that. It was exhilarating. We laughed. I remember seeing I had some blood on my knuckles, and some on my sneaker. There was a joke about catching AIDS.
I slept just fine that night, and was almost certainly in Church the next day with my parents. I don't remember thinking anything much about what we'd done. That week at school was back to normal for us, except Drew wasn't there. At some point word got out he'd gotten jumped, robbed and beaten bad enough to need to go to the ER. Joe, Rob and I didn't say a word to anyone about it, as we were nervous we'd get in trouble (not arrested mind you—didn't think anything we did to a "queer" would be something the law would care about). But we never did. I don't know if others suspected us in the attack, but honestly after a couple days nobody even talked about it. Nobody seemed to care.
Drew never came back to school, and we barely noticed. As far as we were concerned we'd made the point to him, gotten it out of our system and were glad he was gone. I assumed his family moved, I never bothered to find out. Life went on. Later in the year Joe, Rob and I got caught for smoking pot at the school and suspended. My parents flipped and that was when I pretty much had to end my friendship with them.
I went to college at a school with a reputation for being fairly liberal. That was when I begin to have my change in views and outlook. I vividly remember at freshman orientation I made some comment to a group I was hanging with about someone I saw being a “faggot,” and getting looks of horror and glares. I was called out on it, and I quickly backpedaled. As I've said, I was a follower, and once I realized I was in a different social world, my attitude changed quickly. Surrounded by more open-mindedness, I adapted.
And I met gay people in this world, and had to interact with them as normal human beings. There still weren't a whole lot of openly homosexual people back then, but they were a visible group on a small-ish campus. I was repulsed and stand-offish at first, but as I became more familiar it just stopped being something that bothered me. At points I hung around gay guys, even flamboyant ones, at parties.
How could I do this after what I did? Because by that point, believe it or not, I'd mostly forgotten the whole thing. I'd say I suppressed it, but that sounds like I was somehow traumatized and blocking it out. But that's not accurate. Drew had been so insignificant to me that it just didn't matter, it registered about as much as swatting a fly.
I graduated, started a career, married and had a kid. The first inklings I had in my mind of something wrong came from watching my son grow up. If you're a dad you know what I mean when I say having your own kid can totally change how you are about things. I obsessed over what I'd do if anyone ever tried to harm him, and I began to have flashes in my mind of another poor kid who someone did harm pretty fucking badly.
I tried to not remember, but I couldn't shake it. So I then tried to rationalize things: I was a just a dumb kid who didn't know any better, it was a different time, it was about the society I was in. Worst of all, I thought maybe what we did wasn't really that bad, no doubt Drew got over it quickly and was just fine. No amount of this stopped me from thinking about it. More and more. Like a veil slowly lifting, the details of that night and what I did came back. Vividly, piece by piece.
My marriage was already not good as I tended to work non-stop and there were other issues between my wife and I. Now I was becoming riddled with anxiety whenever I wasn't occupied by something. And the rationalizations chipped away. I would look at myself in the mirror and see someone who wasn't what I'd thought. Someone I hated.
One night I sat in my home office and I had the clear realization that I was an utter piece of shit. I stopped in anyway trying to brush it off and rationalize, I just fucking accepted it. I bawled. I just collapsed. I admitted to myself the fact that I had done something so inhumane to someone who didn't deserve a bit of it.
Briefly, as this is already too long: I'm now in my upper 30s and divorced, with joint custody of my boy. My existence is consumed by three things: work, being a dad, and living with the crushing guilt of what I've done. I wake up thinking about Drew. I imagine his terror, his pain, his humiliation, his sadness. I go to sleep with him in my mind. I look at my hand and see his blood on it. I see his gory face. I hear his shrieks. And it's not just the guilt over the beating, it's not just the guilt over everything else I did to him before that. It's the guilt that I never felt a bit bad about it for nearly 20 years.
For a brief time I tried to search for anything I could find online about Drew. I don't remember his last name, where he lived, what his family did or anything. I know almost nothing about him. I wasn't sure what I'd do if I ever found him. I wanted to know he was alive and well and living better than I am right now. And yes, I know why that's self-serving. Like I said, piece of shit. I also looked for my accomplices. I'd heard even while I was in college that Joe was in jail, no sign of him. I found Rob through his family back home, he has ignored my contact attempts.
Would Drew even want to hear from me? Have me apologize to him? What triggered this entire confession is that I began reading reddit pages where former bullies stated their remorse and discussions about apologies. There are news stories of former bullies making up with those they hurt. But what I did was so monstrous the notion of an apology is fucking absurd, insulting. And my great fear would be that he's moved on and blocked it out, and turning up would traumatize him again. Last thing I want. And many comments in reddit threads I read reinforced this.
Also, purely selfish and cowardly: I have my son to raise, and I am confessing this anonymously because I don't want to in any way jeopardize my career and family. I should be in prison for what I did, and while I know it was too long ago to be held against me legally, the consequences of being exposed for this are just too much. I'm a hypocrite too, as I've made every effort to raise my boy to respect everyone and never hate. If he knew his true dad...
I could also point out that I am now 100% pro-equality, support gay marriage, etc. That's nice of me, right? Except I haven't actually lifted a goddamned finger for any of that. And even if I had, it would not come even close to making up for what I did.
I don't say any of that to get sympathy from anyone. I deserve NOTHING. I deserve worse than nothing. I say all of this because I want people to know just how inhumane guys like me were, and let any young people out there who think what they do to others is OK if it's fun that they will BURN for it. I'm not religious anymore, but I sometimes think there should be a Hell for someone like me. You will come to regret doing bad things to people every fucking day of your life. I originally titled this “I Was A Gay Basher,” but I'm not letting myself off the hook. I don't get to erase that from my identity.
I am sorry to all of you out there who were harassed, bullied and beaten up for being different when you were young. It was not ever OK. Anyone who tries to downplay the trauma you experienced is a piece of shit like me. You did not deserve it.
And To Drew: Sweet Jesus, Drew, I am sorry. I am so, so, so fucking sorry. You never did a thing to deserve anything I or anyone else did to you. You aren't the inhuman one, I am. There was never anything wrong with you, it was us. Nothing I could ever say or do could come close to in any way atoning for what I did. I'd grovel at your feet and you'd be right to spit on me. I will go to my grave with remorse, I am ashamed of myself beyond words. I don't in any way ask for your forgiveness, I have no damned right. I desperately hope you are living a good life and can be happy. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'll try to answer questions.
EDIT: I want you to know I am reading ever comment and message. I will respond to questions as best I can. Many comments I cannot add to and so won't respond, but I am reading them all.
EDIT 2: Many people have mentioned it on both sides, so: I will never, ever attempt to contact Drew. I do not want to cause him any more trauma than I have. Whatever the potential benefits of a personal apology might be can't compare to the potential horror and pain it would cause.
top 200 commentsshow all 338-
[–]materhernHello darkness, my old friend 266 points267 points268 points  (27 children)
I'd like to say something as someone who was relentlessly bullied and took numerous punches to the face from smiling faces just because it was funny to see me cry.
I nearly choked a dozen times in this writing. Being abused for so many years changes who you are as a person. You don't get over it, you get through it to the other side, and who you are may not always be better.
I just erased my entire post from here on because I couldn't finish the story, because I can't get my fingers to type out some of the things that shaped my life. So I just want to say this. I never want to see my bullies and abusers again. If I do, I might attack them. I hate them with every fiber of my being. I don't forgive them, and I've tried hard to forget. Don't seek him out. He's probably desperate to forget you ever existed. That is, if he's even alive. The propensity for suicide is high for kids in that situation. I know I contemplated it nightly for years. I wouldn't be shocked if the anxiety and fear drove him to take his life. And who could blame him when you can't even have a life because your physical well being is at stake if you try?
I hope he's alive and has forgotten your face. I hope he looks in the mirror and forgives himself for his own powerlessness. Because in the end, thats what stuck with me, and what I had to get through the most. The shame of being unable to stop someone else from dominating you and controlling your body against your will.
[–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 65 points66 points67 points  (26 children)
I didn't say it, but another reason I have not tried to find him is I'm terrified he did kill himself. I am too chickenshit to find that out. And as I said, I won't try to find him at all. I agree w/ you 100% what that might do to him.
I'm sorry for what you endured from people like me.
[–]Idonttt 54 points55 points56 points  (1 child)
To add on the what /u/materhern said, please do not try and contact him. I know you want to make sure he is still alive but hearing from you could be the worst possible thing for him.
As someone who has gone thought similar abuse to the point of severe PTSD, I cannot even speak the names of the people who did those things to me or the place where it happened. I have few if any memories for the first 17 years of my life. Any times those memories pop into my head I have to medicate up and drink to stop the shaking. If he was to see you in the flesh, or even hear from you, he might have a total breakdown.
What you did was insanely wrong, I am glad you realize that and are working on being a better person. You do need to know that those things never ever leave a person, I will never forget what happened to me till the day I die. It changed my life. I say these things so you understand the gravity of what happened but also why people tell you to refrain from contacting him.
I dont want to say this to hurt you, I just want to spare him more pain. All you can do is work hard make your future a hell of a lot better than your past.
[–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
I will never try to contact him, I am convinced of that. I know that what I did has probably scarred him for life and I hate it and that I can never do anything to change it or fix it for him. But I won't add any more trauma.
[–]Idonttt 42 points43 points44 points  (17 children)
On a nicer note, you need to understand that people who are talking about all the awful things that happened to them and directing some of that anger at you are doing so, in part, because most of us never get to or want to confront our abusers. Most LGBTQ+ kids grew up with this or similar shit and sometimes need to vent. You fucked up, you should have gone to jail, but you did not kill him, you realized you made a mistake and are trying to make things better.
Make yourself into the person you wished you were, you wish you could be. Go save kids from the things you did, make the world better.
[–]Narrowminded -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
you need to understand that people who are talking about all the awful things that happened to them and directing some of that anger at you are doing so, in part, because most of us never get to or want to confront our abusers. Most LGBTQ+ kids grew up with this or similar shit and sometimes need to vent.
You cannot and do not speak on behalf of me or anyone else who wishes ill upon OP for the events he participated in in his past. Get off your high horse of assuming that every human being is obligated to forget and forgive. I genuinely wish OP gets hit by a bus, and it has nothing to do with my past.
[–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] -3 points-2 points-1 points  (14 children)
I do not blame any of the people who directing anger at me, I fucking deserve it. I got away for 20 years without having to face consequences for a horrendous crime. I am due.
[–]ahhitsjohn 48 points49 points50 points  (1 child)
due for what? self serving anonymous flagellation? Not to reduce your efforts for self improvement but you have still gotten away with a horrible crime, this isn't real consequences, this is you wanting validation without taking any kind of risk, it's a little ridiculous to act like reddit comments even scratch the surface of what you are due for.
[–]bear-necessitease 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Fucking THANK YOU. Let's haul this asshole out on Ellen and see if he's ready to face the music then.
[+][deleted]  (11 children)
[removed]
    [–]JamesRosewood 24 points25 points26 points  (2 children)
    There could also be a chance that if you ever went to see him that he would kill you.
    [–]D4rthLinkScience, Technology, Engineering 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
    I probably would if I was Drew. I know that's terrible, and I would like to imagine I would have put it past me. But I probably would try to kill op if he contacted me and I was Drew in this situation. Not that I don't believe OP feels remorse for the things he did, but I just don't think I would care.
    [–]Jack41096 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    agreed. i met one of my former bullies a few months ago in a fast food place and had i not lost my knife earlier that day and had my girlfriend by my side, id be in jail right now.
    for months on end i couldnt escape the thought of tracking them down and getting revenge but due to getting away from a lot of stress and drama, ive put it out of my mind for now
    however i will never, ever forget their names and i still search the obituaries and court cases every so often to see if theyre still kicking. gonna piss on their graves when they do pass.
    [–]throway902 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I'm going to break away from the general collective here. Got a nice little throwaway account because I don't want this to be associated with my real account that my friends could easily see.
    I have a similar experience to what Drew went through with you, only my abuser was a single person, and the abuse from them was far worse, because that person was my own brother.
    I could go on a fairly long tirade typing out the shitty things that happened to me, but I'll give you the short version:
    For the first 13 years of my life, I was physically, verbally, emotionally, and yes, sexually abused by my own flesh and blood brother. It was never anything to the extent of a brutal beating that left me bloody, but the wounds you can't see in a person's mind can be much worse than the ones you can see on their flesh.
    The abuse stopped once he was sent away to live with my grandmother in another state because he was caught abusing another child.
    Fast-forward to last year, I was not doing very well. I had problems with depression, anxiety, self-harm, repressed memories and rage and the like. I was on a slew of anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, etc. My self-image was in the toilet and I had maybe one friend.
    Then, I had an epiphany as I was talking with my therapist of two-years: I needed closure.
    I needed, in the very least, to know that my abuser understood what he did was wrong. I needed him to be sorry, to acknowledge my suffering. Without that, I was left to assume that he probably didn't feel remorse. That he probably didn't even think about what he did to me as much as I did, and that he has been able to live his life without so much as a hitch while I'd been left to wallow and struggle to move on. These thoughts led me to resentment and hatred, both for him and myself.
    So, in September of last year, I bit the bullet. I currently live in New Hampshire, and my brother lives in Rhode Island. My mother came up to see me and I asked her to bring me to see him. My brother and I hadn't really talked or said much to each other in the decade or so we hadn't seen each other, so I wasn't really all too aware of how to get in touch with him, while my mother at the very least knew his address and phone number.
    My mother was, understandably, hesitant to bring me, as I had confessed to her what had been happening while I was left home alone with him while she was at work, several years after the fact. But, I persisted, and she brought me on the two and a half hour ride down to talk to him. She must have caught wind of why I wanted to see him, because on the drive over, she called him to tell him to be home when we got there, because we were going to be having a very serious talk.
    I'm going to tell you that that conversation between the three of us may have been one of the most trying situations I had ever been through in my whole life. It was mostly me venting about everything, screaming through a foggy cloud of tears and sobs. He had tried denying it at first, saying that it was just brothers playing around, but as the details of everything that had happened poured out in sickening detail, he seemed to finally understand. And when he finally admitted his guilt, breaking down and crying, it felt as though the heaviest burden had been lifted off my mind.
    It's only been a few months, but I'm doing so much better than I was before.
    Having said all this, I'm hoping that you take it into consideration that though it may be okay for Drew to live with his experiences in the past struggling to move past them, sometimes you can only move on after you confront your demons, no matter how uncomfortable it may make you feel.
    A stab to the back can't heal if you don't remove the dagger.
    [–]throwaway23948723974 -4 points-3 points-2 points  (1 child)
    OP I also hate you with every fiber of my being. If you want to know what your hatred does to a person let me explain: After 20 years someone like me only grows more hatred day by day. The hatred you had that day for 'Drew' can't even hold a candlelight to the rage I have for people like you today. If I ever saw my attacker they'd be killed before they could even get a word out. Thankfully they're a loser and are constantly going in and out of jail. I watch him all the time. I bathe in his misery, like I wish I could bathe in yours.
    I became a professional & ethical hacker in the first place to get justice against scumbags like you. I'm not some kid telling you on xbox live they'll hack you. I spent the last 7 hours in a fit of pure rage making a custom dropper just for you. It took everything I had within me just not to attempt to begin exploiting you. I already have your approximate geographic location courtesy of your service provider. If I didn't believe in lawful justice more than my hatred for you, I'll tell you what I would have done if I hacked you: I'd have framed you for child pornography.
    Then sickly watched as it destroyed your life. I'd watch your local county jail's site for your arrest. I'd pull the public records of your trial and watch the conviction unfold. By the end of it you'd have served the time you never did for this crime and get to live for the hatred and shame most gay people live with every day. Every time you registered your address and every time a job turned you down you'd be reminded of the hatred homosexuals live with every day. Fuck you.
    Take better care of protecting your online identity, OP, and don't click any links from PMs or on this thread, and don't prefetch any images. You came a fucking hair's width from getting hit with a bad case of vigilante revenge (and not justice). If I didn't recognize throughout my time in law enforcement that there are two groups of innocent victims for every crime (perps family and victims family), you'd have been fucked.
    There are no words that can describe how bad I want to watch your life fall apart. I know your type. Things aren't going so well now so you're reflecting on all the bad shit you did that got you there in the first place and "what did I do to deserve this?" You deserve every fucking bit of it. You never really felt anything bad for your victim until things got bad for you. You're just trying to feel better for what you'd done. If you'd been caught for your original crime you may have been just coming out of prison a few weeks ago. You're sorry that could have been your life, not the one you live now.
    Go fuck yourself OP, you won't get any sympathy here from me. Maybe the cosmic hilarity of the universe will have your son turn out to be gay. Maybe then you'll have learned about the horror of what you've done.
    [–]throway902 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Can you, like, do the world a favor and get a grip?
    [–]kimwim42Art 181 points182 points183 points  (14 children)
    um....I think the first thing you should do is get some counseling. And through that how to make amends. You won't be able to help Drew, but some other 15 year old kid who's been tossed out on his ear by some hateful family, or rolled by some asshole classmates. But I think you really need counseling first. Find the peace you need to become a better person, and a better dad.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 68 points69 points70 points  (13 children)
    I have been in therapy for over a year now due to the divorce. I have been afraid of bringing this up even there but I am considering how to do so.
    [–]PonderosaPineapple 121 points122 points123 points  (10 children)
    The therapist can't help you if they don't know what's wrong. This seems to be a major contributing factor to a lot of emotional issues in your life right now. Without help from the therapist, you're just treating the symptoms of this issue rather than tackling it as a root cause.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 38 points39 points40 points  (9 children)
    Your point is taken, I think you're right. I just need to work up the courage to do it.
    [–]Feldew 66 points67 points68 points  (3 children)
    Don't wait to work up the courage, or you'll never say it. Say it when you're scared, terrified of saying it, and the more you say the more courage you'll get. But you'll always feel too scared before you start actually telling someone.
    [–]samwisery 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
    This advice should be plastered everywhere; I'm coming from a totally different context but it's really gotten to me, in a good way. Thanks.
    [–]lardmanpoArt, Music, Writing 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Agreed
    [–]DarwinsWarrior 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
    Sounds like the advice I needed when I was coming out to my parents.
    [–]KevinMCombes 29 points30 points31 points  (0 children)
    Consider printing this out, or some version of this, and simply handing it to your therapist to read it. It will be hard, but the hard part will happen all at once. Once it's out of your hands (literally) I think a weight will be lifted.
    [–]tsoli 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
    You don't have to go into depth during that appt if you don't want to. But if you're tormented by this incident, then your therapist needs to know about it to help you. say something like: "I've been anxious about this for a long time and I'm not sure I'm even ready to analyze it yet, but I need to tell it to someone."
    [–]gnurdettetrans 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    Don't even bother with any more therapy sessions until you do tell them, because you're wasting their time if you're concealing one of your life's primary issues from them.
    [–]kyroko 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Print this out and give it to your therapist.
    [–]tBrenna 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Adding to what has been said, if you can't say it: print out this story and ask your therapist to read it. Then you can begin talking about it with a person out loud. And sometimes the best amends is to the next person down the line. Get connected with lgbt youth groups. After the therapy. And be the support the next kid needs so he doesn't take his life.
    [–]KelMage 23 points24 points25 points  (0 children)
    Your therapist is bound by confidentiality as long as they are not concerned that you will engage in violent acts in the future. You confidentiality will remain secure even with this confession. In fact, talking to real people about the issue will likely alleviate your anxiety about it - in a way you're experiencing what it is to have a horrible secret that you feel you need to hide.
    [–]acomfysweater 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    go to therapy. please
    [–]jaycatt7 48 points49 points50 points  (0 children)
    I don't know what to say. I wanted you to know that another person read your post and is thinking about it.
    I will say this: tell your therapist this story. Print out this post and bring it in if you have to. Therapy is no good if you can't talk about the things that keep you up at night.
    [–]mjeffm 152 points153 points154 points  (9 children)
    I honestly couldn't read parts of this because it was too disturbing to me. You're right, you should have gone to prison for a felony hate crime for years. You're right, it also took you a shockingly long time to feel any remorse.
    Having said that, you do feel remorse. You're no longer the monster you once were. Have you ever considered volunteering for an LGBT charity? I would also suggest you seek therapy.
    I must say, that post really disturbed me a lot, but I think it was ultimately good you posted it. If I were Drew, I don't think I'd ever want to hear from you again. Then again, everyone is different.
    EDIT: my heart is still beating fast after thinking about this
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 21 points22 points23 points  (8 children)
    I'm sorry if it caused you pain.
    I have not volunteered, but the suggestions here for that have made me strongly consider it. Part of me irrationally feels like I shouldn't be around gay kids because of what I did, as they'll sense what I did and just KNOW and I'll terrify them. Makes no sense, I know. But I'll work through that.
    [–]biaggio 84 points85 points86 points  (2 children)
    Part of me irrationally feels like I shouldn't be around gay kids because of what I did, as they'll sense what I did and just KNOW and I'll terrify them.
    Sorry, but this is lame; you're coming up with a stupid excuse for not taking action. Therapy is good, but owning up to something and making a real difference is better. Much better. You'll never get over the guilt for what you did (and you shouldn't--that would be truly, inhumanly horrifying). So now, as a gay basher who knows better than anybody else what makes them tick, you are in a unique position to make a real and important difference in other people's lives.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
    I know it's a stupid excuse. And I do want to make a difference. Thanks for the message, I am definitely considering strongly things I will be doing to try to atone some. I know I'll never get over the guilt, and you're right, I shouldn't.
    [–]jpw5x4 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    You can't atone for it. You can't undo it. You can't forget it.
    What you can do is raise your son to be a better teenager than you were. You can't improve the past, but you can definitely improve the future. Raise a young man who isn't a monster, and you'll have done something to help this sick, sad world we live in.
    [–]mjeffm 23 points24 points25 points  (1 child)
    I was lucky enough to not experience much homophobia (let alone violence) growing up. That didn't bring back any memories, but it was just disturbing reading a vivid account of abuse that easily could have been perpetrated against me if I grew up in a different setting.
    Your situation is difficult because you're partly right. You've caused so much pain to a gay person that it almost sounds outlandish for you to be around a group of people who may be struggling because of people like the past you. Maybe your volunteer work doesn't have to involve contact with people. I'm usually really good with advise, but I don't know what to say here. I have to think about this one.
    [–]KragsIntrospection, Contemplation, Curiosity, Spirituality 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Something to do with educating out homophobia, perhaps.
    [–]ahhitsjohn 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
    are you sure the issue is how you'll make them feel, and not how they make you feel? the kids don't know what you did, i'd wager you don't want to face a room full of drews is at least a part of the issue here.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
    Your point is valid, it's something I am deeply considering. Others have noted: what would I say when they ask me about anti-gay violence? I don't think they'd feel safe if I told them what I did, and they'd have every right not to.
    [–]EtherealCelerity 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
    Stupid excuse. You will probably never atone for the unspeakable things that you did, but you had damn well better try.
    [–]TastyMuff1nZAKA Sir Fabulous 25 points26 points27 points  (0 children)
    I think that what you have done is near unforgivable. But, I think one day you can make peace with this. I've come from southern Oregon where it's very religious and rural. Me and two of my other gay friends have been bullied all my life until I moved to California.
    The horrors the three of us have overcome, the beatings and choking and the feelings we had to live through. We were scared to leave our homes because the teachers and adults were anti gay and thought we deserved it. They did nothing. But we felt everything that came our way.
    I haven't forgotten their faces. Their beatings. But one day, I hope Drew can. I hope he forgets of your existence so that he can feel like a human again. It's what he deserves to feel.
    You aren't a person that I ever want to meet, but you have remorse for your actions. That says something. I'm not exactly sure how I feel...
    I hope you also overcome this. It's definitely horrible what you've done, but no one deserves to suffer indefinitely for their past. Now you have a child to take care of. Seek out counseling and please, take care. And I hope Drew does to.
    [–]cxaro 22 points23 points24 points  (6 children)
    As a teacher, I have to wonder: What, if anything, could Drew, your peers, your teachers, or your school administrators have done in order to prevent that terrible beating and put a stop to the abuse before it ever got to that point?
    What can I do to save my students from all of this?
    [–]ProfSnugglesworth 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    Be there for your students. Don't tolerate bullying or abusive language, even if it's a "joke." Several organizations and groups offer training aimed at helping teachers and other adults work with LGBT+ students and adolescents. There are different ways to show subtly and more overtly that students can talk to you about these issues- such as ally pins and safe space stickers for doors. While things are getting demonstrably better than they were even a decade ago, this still can happen unfortunately.
    [–]qdamniStraight guy married to a wonderful lesbian 4 points5 points6 points  (2 children)
    I'm a teacher in a small town in Wisconsin. The odds that something like this would happen today in our school are very slim, and if it did, the perpetrators would be punished severely by the school and shunned by their peers.
    We have many openly gay students in our school system and a few transgender students. They have plenty of friends, and I've never seen or heard of severe bullying of anyone for being gay. We have a no-tolerance policy for bullying, and we have a lot of programs encouraging acceptance and understanding. Yes, there is still bullying, and yes, kids get into fights, but it's NOTHING AT ALL like what it was like when I was in school, in the 70s-80s. And when there is bullying, it's not related to sexual orientation. It's just kids who happen to hate each other. The "out" kids tend to be popular, and are leaders. It's truly breathtaking how this community's attitudes have changed.
    And before you think I'm just blind to what might really be happening, I have a 12-year-old daughter and a 16-year-old son in the school who tell me a lot of what goes on.
    What you can do is be very, very clear about what YOUR views are, and that YOU think bullying and discrimination is 100% wrong, 100% of the time. Be a role model. The kids watch you very closely.
    You may want to suggest a program like this to your administrators. Our school has been doing it for several years, and it does a lot of good.
    [–]redwhiskeredbubul 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
    As somebody who was bullied in middle-high school (this was in the mid-90's), I kind of have a mixed reaction to your post. On the hand, I do think from what I hear that things are getting better overall, and I appreciate that you and your school are taking things seriously.
    On the other hand, it's still difficult for me, after all this time, to listen to an authority figure and hear them say that they think the problem is fixed. Looking at the program you linked, I feel like the recognition that there is a problem needs to be front and center. Bullying comes from the hierarchies kids set up, and the default setting is for the teachers to play an instrumental, not an ameliorative role. By that I mean, for example, even if you have a relatively well-behaved school with generally respected boundaries, there will still be bullying: it will just be covert bullying, especially of the kids the teachers show disapproval towards. For that reason i have a hard time buying into the 'leadership' stuff--in my experience 'leadership' (e.g. in sports) causes bullying.
    On a specific point, you say that the bullying isn't related to sexual orientation. I don't see how this could even be possible or knowable. In an odd way I still don't know how much of the bullying I experienced was related to homophobia. A certain amount of it was homophobic in content, directly or indirectly, but that could have applied to anybody. Hell, 'f**got' was current as an insuilt before I even knew what the word meant. ('Spazz' was more popular. Was that a circumlocution? I have no idea.) How do you draw that line with 15-year olds? Hell, look at Reddit.
    Anyway, I don't mean to equate what I experienced in any way with what Drew went through, and I apologize if I'm making bullying as a problem seem insurmountable: but when the word 'bullying' is applied to somewhat more usual bullshit than what's described in the OP (and what counts as usual is always relative) it is difficult to buy into the narrative of progress.
    I do agree with you about being clear, though. I went to a liberal but nominally religious school that maintained a strategic ambiguity about homosexuality in general (including the homosexuality of, for example, some of the teachers), never mind actual emotional problems on the part of the students, and had they drawn more and clearer lines in the sand I think the situation could have been improved. lt's easy to be perversely nostalgic about the semi-discussed and semi-illicit status the topic had at that time ( I was contrarian then as now and I think a celebratory rainbow flag anything would have set my 15-year old aspiringly goth teeth on edge) , but it wasn't worth it on the whole.
    [–]qdamniStraight guy married to a wonderful lesbian 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    I was bullied a lot in school. Not just bullied, but beaten up. A lot. One kid threw me against the brick outer wall of the school and knocked me unconscious briefly. Kids knew, students knew, no one cared.
    There were no openly gay students in any of the schools I went to. Not a single one. Kids were tortured for being -- as I was -- not even gay, but just not "man enough." I was an artsy band geek. Geeky even for a band geek. And for that, I was called F-gg-t and worse, and got the snot kicked out of me. If anyone were even seriously suspected of being gay, they'd probably have suffered precisely the same fate as Drew.
    I would not go so far as to say the problem is "fixed." There have been some kids seriously hurt in fights. Are gay kids harassed? I'm not so naive to think it never happens. But the atmosphere is completely different. Gay kids show affection at school, and are not harassed. The openly gay kids -- the ones I've gotten to know best, anyway -- are respected by their peers. They are good students, they are popular, they are role models. Not surprisingly, they are the art, music and theatre geeks, no athletes that I know of, but they get along okay with the jocks.
    Many teachers have a sign on their door that reads, "This is a safe place; you will not be judged for who you are" (or something like that) with a rainbow flag beneath it. The teachers model behavior. It's our job. Over time, our values will be reflected in our students. The change has been dramatic.
    In our school, which has more flaws than I can count, being homophobic just isn't cool.
    [–]lilit_ 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Your hands are gonna be tied cause you can't exactly encourage them to defend themselves.
    But the reality is that while people like op exist, their potential victims need to look out for each other. There was clearly a lot of build-up in op's story. People need to take notice when their peers are being victimized, especially the more vulnerable ones.
    The best you can do is encourage friendship and camaraderie, probably. Detentions or other punishments will likely make things worse.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I can't really answer that. The culture was almost universally reactionary. My group intimidated many teachers, too. And our coaches and the principal backed us because of sports. It was a sick culture.
    [–]nemo85 19 points20 points21 points  (2 children)
    Maybe it's my own religious upbringing...in Judaism, we do not emphasize repentance, but we believe in atonement. Repentance is feeling shitty for what you did and talking about it, atonement is actually doing something about it. Or at least that's what I've been taught.
    On the one hand, I'm glad you're sharing this (I skipped through the bad parts, just like others here). I'm glad you've changed your mind and are remorseful and are repenting.
    Like others have suggested, I also recommend seeking out ways to atone. You can never make right the horrible wrongs you did. Ever. But, you can certainly try to balance the scale, at least a little. Start by raising your son to be a good man...not just tolerant, but accepting and welcoming of everyone. Good to women, good to minorities, good to humans and animals. Stop injustice when you see it and actively work to improve yourself and the world around you. I'm not sure how to get you started. I do suggest you seek out a counselor. I'm a therapist myself (working on my doctorate), and we get asked similar things all the time.
    [–]KragsIntrospection, Contemplation, Curiosity, Spirituality 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
    Is the contrast between atonement and repentence effectively the same as the contrast between restorative and retributive justice?
    Completely agree with your response.
    [–]nemo85 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    That's an interesting idea, and I'm not nearly well read enough to answer that. I was just raised with the idea that if you do wrong, you need to make it right, not just apologize. So, I tentatively say yes.
    [–]TheLastRobot 29 points30 points31 points  (0 children)
    Frankly the best thing you can do is honour your guilt. I don't mean hurt yourself or whatever but accept fully that you did what you did and there's no making it right. Let the guilt you feel stand as a monument to the worst things in people. Also be thankful to that kid for not getting you put in fucking prison and remember the prejudice and injustice that stopped him from doing it.
    You can live your life, but you don't get to feel better about this. You can only try to stop it from happening more.
    [–]k_dragon17/f/Atashi wa otaku da 56 points57 points58 points  (18 children)
    I don't know how to feel about you.
    On one hand, you obviously regret what you did and apologize for it, and seem to have changed.
    On the other hand, there's the various instincts and thoughts I've developed over the years that I won't get much into. After all, it's not for nothing that I'm getting into martial arts and planning to carry mace once I'm in college.
    I suppose the fact that you have the cahooneys to post this here counts for something, at least.
    [–]PolanBall 47 points48 points49 points  (7 children)
    On the other hand, there's the various instincts and thoughts I've developed over the years that I won't get much into.
    The entire concept is hard to describe to straight people but that is 1000% true
    [–]SmaragdineSonBisexual 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
    The entire concept is hard to describe to straight people
    I'd describe it as a series of unconscious calculations based on gut instinct and on the sum of events that I have experienced either myself or through others.
    [–]TurtleTapenow with injectible testicles 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
    That feeling isn't limited to GSRM people; anyone who has been bullied can develop the same things.
    [–]sjgrunewald 14 points15 points16 points  (4 children)
    The entire concept is hard to describe to straight people but that is 1000% true
    I think most straight women probably get it, but no, straight men never do. Even straight men who may have been bullied still don't understand.
    The understanding that your life is simply less important than the life of a straight man is not an easy thing to explain in words that make sense.
    [–]Manakel93 -5 points-4 points-3 points  (2 children)
    The understanding that your life is simply less important than the life of a straight man is not an easy thing to explain in words that make sense.
    What? Most straight men know that society places zero importance on their lives.
    [–]sjgrunewald 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    What? Most straight men know that society places zero importance on their lives.
    Yeah, you should probably go back to /r/gaybros and wallow with the rest of the self-loathing band.
    [–]Manakel93 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Funny that because I point out that society doesn't care about men's lives I'm self-hating all of a sudden.
    [–]rainwater739 -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
    I think most straight women probably get it, but no, straight men never do. Even straight men who may have been bullied still don't understand.
    I disagree. Anyone can feel threatened or marginalized. Anyone can have that need to always look over their shoulder or to protect themselves.
    I know straight guys who were severely bullied or abused as children and they still struggle with feeling safe as adults. I know grown men (who could do some real damage in a fight if they needed to) who cannot feel comfortable with their backs to a door, even in their own home.
    Anyone can be a victim. Anyone can have that fear. Anyone can be made to feel their lives aren't as important as their attackers or abusers (regardless of who their attacker/abuser is).
    You don't get to decide who understands what it's like to be afraid and who doesn't (especially on the grounds of sex, race, gender and/or sexual preference). No one does.
    [–]ItsTheMotion 26 points27 points28 points  (8 children)
    I suppose the fact that you have the cahooneys to post this here counts for something, at least.
    Does it? Posting anonymously into the wind? Assuming that this story is true and not a work of complete fiction, as he said in the post, this is pretty self-serving.
    [–]feman0n 20 points21 points22 points  (2 children)
    Agreed. The only thing I could think while reading was that OP was only "sharing" his story to rid himself of guilt. Maybe he does feel actual remorse, but what good does this post do? It stirs up a lot of traumatic memories for members of this sub and accomplishes nothing. I think he came here expecting a pat on the back and a "well done, The Community™ forgives you!" and to walk away feeling absolved.
    No. Take your shitty actions and story and go elsewhere. If you're remorseful for ruining the teenaged years of another person, show it through giving money to a youth lgbt group or volunteering or at the very least by becoming a vocal ally.
    [–]PolanBall 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    If I could give gold, this would be the comment that receives it, not OP.
    [–]RiskyChris -3 points-2 points-1 points  (0 children)
    It stirs up a lot of traumatic memories for members of this sub and accomplishes nothing.
    Accomplishes nothing? What it shows is that you can be a f*g basher and some day a bunch of your victims are gonna CHEER YOU ON.
    This accomplishes more than nothing, worse than nothing. This thread is super bad news bears and I hate it and it stinks!
    EDIT: OH ITS FUCKING GILDED NOW LOL
    [–]RiskyChris 23 points24 points25 points  (4 children)
    this is pretty self-serving.
    Reminds me of the "IM A RAPIST AMA LOL" threads in reddit's past. I really really hate this post.
    [–]lettingpeopleknow 12 points13 points14 points  (3 children)
    Yeah it really grosses me out. Especially since some one gave him gold for it. Anonymously writing about it online doesn't make anything right, and he is making no actual effort to make up for it. I hope this remains a burden on his conscience. I have no sympathy for what he did.
    [–]cloudpanda93 4 points5 points6 points  (2 children)
    he is making no actual effort to make up for it.
    I mean, what could he really do to make up for it?
    [–]nilla-wafers 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Not milk it for fake internet points and validation of his remorse is a start.
    If there is a tiny, eensy sliver of humanity here
    This tells me he still hasn't truly come to terms with what he did. They stood the kid up so they could more effectively threaten him and rob him. If he thinks he was at all human to this person, he's deluded. If you want repentance, go to your therapist. The fact that even the worst people can mature and change is already a redundant concept. Everybody already understands it. The way I see it, this post is just so OP can wash his hands of guilt at the feet of the gay community.
    "Are you proud of me now papa? Are you proud of me?"
    There is nothing he can do to make up for it really. It's in the past. But this post is for him, not for us.
    [–]ItsTheMotion 12 points13 points14 points  (1 child)
    Joe was in jail, no sign of him.
    I'm shocked.
    [–]NordicPanda 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Thank you for the extremely needed chuckle. This was such a grim post.
    [–]Blue-ray656 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
    This was heavy
    The hardest part for me was that he did absolutely nothing to you
    [–]TakeMeForGranted 23 points24 points25 points  (0 children)
    My cousin is exactly you. When we were in highschool, he tormented this kid who he hated. The kid was never "out" and had even dated the "hottest girl in school" for a while. He was a cool kid, and nobody suspected he was gay.
    But my cousin tormented him. Threw him into lockers called him a faggot, and pretty much everything you did to drew minus the 3 on 1 assault. I was the only "out" kid, and I was bullied pretty bad, but I can't imagine going through the shit.my cousin put that kid through. At the time though, I had no idea this was going on. I knew my cousin grew up in a homophobic family, and that was it. I didn't find out about his actions until last year.
    That being said, my cousin and the kid he bullied were older than me. I graduated 5 years ago and haven't looked back. I haven't really "forgiven" my bullies, but I'm over it. I've let it go and moved on with my life.
    My cousin and I never spoke in highschool. He knew I was gay and I knew his parents views, and as much as I wish we had been friends, I know it wouldn't have changed his behavior back then. (Which is probably why I avoided him).
    Fast forward to last Christmas. I bump into my cousin at one of the local bars here, and we end up talking because our social circles are now filled with pretty similar people. He tells me how proud he is of me that I've always been "out", and how proud him and his family all are of me for starting up a local annual pride event and trying to create safe spaces for queer youth and stuff. He even mentioned that he would love to help with heavy lifting if I needed it for events.
    I straight up told him I was surprised that he was so supportive because I knew he had vastly different views in highschool. I told him I was glad that he had come around and was comfortable vocalising support and even defending me a few times that night. (A few men had tried to hit on me when I had grabbed drinks and became aggressive. Cousin stepped in each time. He still does this actually).
    That's when he told me about highschool. He almost started crying, and it was so clear to me how much pain it caused him to think about what he had done back then. I told him that I was honored that he felt safe enough to tell me, because it IS a huge step to take. Especially to confess homophobic actions to a queer audience. He then told me he tried to reach out to his victim. He said he wasn't surprised by the reaction he was given.
    The kid said that his life was living hell in highschool because of my cousin. His mother was battling a terminal illness and had passed away before he graduated, and dealing with bullying on top of that was unbearable. He told my cousin that after his first year of college he had come out as gay, and that he wished he could have felt safe enough to come out earlier. He said he hated my cousin every day for over a decade for everything he did but that he was getting over it. He was clear with my cousin that he wasn't ready to forgive him, and that he wasn't sure he ever could get to that point; but that he did appreciate that my cousin apologized at all, and accepted his apology. He then told my cousin that he was glad that he had changed his opinion on the LGBTQ community and was glad that he was volunteering his time to help out even just a little.
    He was still very angry with and hurt by my cousin. But I think it was good for my cousin to hear that. That no, he wasn't forgiven, and wouldn't be, but that at least he was doing SOME THING to make things better for the next generation.
    Tl;dr: there are a lot of people telling you not to apologize. And maybe they are right. It might bring up a lot of trauma. But it might also be healing for Drew to hear that you've changed. That you have different opinions. That you are raising your child to be much kinder to others than you were. That you are going to try and make sure that things are better for the next generation so that there are fewer kids who will have to experience what he went through.
    It is scary to apologize. It's scary to find out if he's even still alive. But you deserve some of these consequences of finding out. If he committed suicide that's something you have to live with. That's part of atonement. If he is living a good life despite you, that something that you will know. And even if it does stir up the trauma, hearing that you are sorry will be good for him to hear even if he still hates you or whatever ends up happening.
    Also, if you need somebody to talk to other than a counselor, or somebody to practice repeating this story to so you can repeat it to a counselor I'm here. Part of what I do for a living is creating a safe space for queer youth, and providing them with people to talk to.
    I hope hope hope you find him. I hope you do your best to express how sorry you are. I hope you explain to your counselor what you did. I hope that your child does grow up to be a light in this world, and that the cycle of homophobia ends with you. I hope that you find the strength to reach out the various LGBTQ organizations in your area and offer a helping hand.
    And for the record. Gay basher is in your past. You clearly hate that part of who you WERE. You are not the same person you were 20 years ago. Try to use the right tense when speaking about yourself. I have a hard time.with this part because of my own personal issues, but I truly believe people can change and I always want to see the good in people.
    [–]Notsomebeans 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
    As others have said, talk to a counselor about this. You owe it to your son to be there for him and to not be absent as a father and you cant let this prevent you from doing that. I have no idea what a counselor might suggest but its probably better advice than you will get here or elsewhere.
    [–]SoulConduit 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
    I wish I didn't read this.
    [–]User_Dust 22 points23 points24 points  (0 children)
    It is amazing to me how it could take someone so long to even realise tormenting another human being physically and mentally to the point where they likely commited suicide, might be wrong. what is worse is that if you had never had a kid or gone to a liberal college and been forced to confront your own actions, I am betting you would still feel no remorse. You seem adept at just adapting to your situation and those around you so you are safe no matter the cost to others. I would however like to thank you for this post I always used to wonder as a child how abusers and bullies justified their actions, how they lived with themselves, now I know that they probably did not have to, they did not even recognise those they tormented as people. Finally I think it is very important that you tell your therapist about the true reason behind your anxiety and guilt, not because I want you to feel better or feel forgiven but I believe that your son deserves an emotionally stable and fully functioning adult as a father.
    [–]ProfSnugglesworth 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
    I read your entire post and all the comments here. I just wanted to point out that you wondered why or at least made clear that Drew never said he wasn't gay. Of course he wouldn't have. Even if he was straight as an arrow, it wouldn't have stopped you guys. It would have probably done more harm initially if he tried to deny it and confront you guys. He was probably just trying to keep his head down through it all, hoping you guys would get bored and leave him alone, because, as you pointed out, no one was going to help him even if he did try to get help.
    You committed a heinous crime and it is not my place to say how you should pay that debt. But I do hope that you do something constructive with your life, given that your life has barely felt the repercussions of your actions. As one of those kids who was mercilessly harassed for being different and now a parent, I hope that you raise your child to treat his fellows with the respect you denied Drew. You have had a moment of catharsis here, don't walk away from this thinking you have a clean slate, please.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    You are right that it almost certainly wouldn't have stopped us. I don't know if he was really gay or not, but what mattered to us is that he appeared to be. We were jackals.
    [–]Bad-Science 37 points38 points39 points  (3 children)
    Hello. My name is Drew.
    Well no, actually... but near enough. I was the 'Drew' in my high school class. A complete loner throughout all 4 years, not a single friend. I was taunted and beat up constantly, from the time I got on the buss in the morning, until I got home that afternoon.
    There were different bullies for different parts of the day. The bus bully, who would move to whatever seat was behind me and slap the back of my head for the entire ride. The gym bullies who would get their daily workout by punching me when nobody was watching, the hallway bullies who would trip me, knock the books out of my arms, and call me every name they could think of.
    Through school, my belongings were stolen, broken, pissed on, soaked in the gym showers, and anything else you could think of.
    I'm sure this effected the rest of my life, since I had no energy or desire to study or do well, 100% of my attention was just spent looking for the next threat. My 4 year goal was to get out of school, so I didn't even consider going to college after. Why would I want to subject myself to even a minute more of this torture, and in my mind at the time I imagined college would just be a continuation of high school.
    By the time I graduated, I would have gladly killed any one of my abusers if given the opportunity. In fact, I fantasized about it constantly. Over the years, the memories faded... a bit. But I still can't stand to hear how, to some people, high school was actually FUN!
    Fast forward 30 years. For some reason I went to my 30th reunion (despite my 'no friends in school' history). While drinking a beer and hanging around the pool table, one of the worst bullies of my youth walks up to me and starts chatting.
    I didn't know how to react. This guy had made 4 years of my life a living hell, and here he was saying he was glad to see me, and asking me about my job, kids, etc.
    In my minds eye, I gave him a knockout punch and stomped on his head. In reality, I smiled and talked to him, then we played a game of pool. After all of these years, the adult in me won out.
    At one point in our conversation, I did bring up the fact that we really didn't get along in school (understatement of the year there). His response was 'Yeah, I was kind of a dick sometimes back then'. I don't know if he had honestly forgotten his actions, or if he really didn't remember them as I did since to him it was just a minor part of his high school memories.
    So did I forgive him? Am I OK with the past now? It is more complicated than that. I don't know if I'll ever be able to resolve anything.
    I know my experience may not have been as bad as Drew's, but I thought it might be good for you to hear at least a bit from the 'other side'. I hope that Drew can forgive you someday. And, if you are the surrogate of the person who tortured me for so many years, I hope you can someday forgive yourself.
    [–]Swampdude 11 points12 points13 points  (2 children)
    I hope I never see my high school tormenters again, and I don't go to reunions for that reason. I'd be kind of sad to find them still alive.
    [–]Bad-Science 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
    One of mine died several years ago from a drug overdose. It was a good day.
    [–]rainwater739 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I went to college with one. I would see him on campus but I don't think he recognized me.
    When I first saw him (for the first time in five years), I literally felt my blood go cold. There were many times I thought about going up and punching him in the balls. But I didn't.
    After the fifth or sixth time seeing him over the years, I decided to work on forgiving him. Carrying around all of that hate, even for someone who "deserved" it, was't good for me. I'm still working on it, but I on't feel the meeting hatred I once did.
    [–]TheIronZebra 30 points31 points32 points  (0 children)
    This is from me (a gay man), and in no way reflects drew, or the lgbt community, or just normal humans should react, but i don't hate you. Reading your story I never felt angry at you, disgusted with you, or even disappointed in you. I only feel sad for drew. I hope he is alright now.
    [–]ChizwickAlly 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
    I'm glad that you're remorseful and realize how wrong you were. I hope that Drew is safe, healthy, and happy.
    Don't forget what you did. I'm sure Drew never will.
    [–]tomyownrhythm 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
    I agree that your past actions are deplorable, but I'm also a pragmatist. You cannot change the past. You can, however: 1) continue raising your son to be a compassionate human being. This is your number 1 responsibility. 2) tell your therapist and work through it. You need to move on. 3) do good. Volunteer to work with homeless youth whose parents kicked them out because they think like you used to. Chaperone your son's school events, and make sure no child is bullied on your watch. If you are ambitious, foster a homeless gay child. It's not going to erase what is past, but it can put some good into the world. Learn from what you did and find peace, for your son's sake.
    [–]mjeffm 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
    The more I think about this, the angrier I get. You had no remorse for the longest time. You're just going to have to live with this. It happened. You caused it. Try to live the rest of your life doing good.
    [–]ganymede_boy 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
    I'm glad you found a way to share this and are working to find a way to heal from the damage.
    I'm also glad to know that at least some bashers actually do come to understand the horror they wrought on their victims.
    [–]evidently_em 28 points29 points30 points  (0 children)
    but I sometimes think there should be a Hell for someone like me.
    I have nothing to say but this: Nobody, not even a person like you, would deserve to suffer in that way. In either case I think you deserve better. That anyone does.
    [–]jTiKey 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
    One reddit post is nothing. You should stand out in the media. Do something more than this. You can't undo what was done, but you can bring up the awareness to stop these things nowadays.
    [–]nervehackerScience, Technology, Engineering 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    Ok, I thought for a bit before answering. I am not the type of person that points a finger at others, but since you posted your case here I assume you want opinions. This is mine:
     
    I don't care if you're hurt. Even if you were a teen, you clearly stated the boy was younger and smaller than you. You hurt a child, and there's no forgiveness for that.
     
    Whatever you feel, I hope it gets worse. I truly do. Because you're "hurt", but not hurt enough to face the consequences of your actions. You "regret it", but not enough to try to compensate for your past mistakes. It doesn't matter what you feel, it's not a fraction of what that boy felt.
     
    So what exactly do you want, posting it here? You come to a community of people just like the one you almost killed, tell us your story and say you're sorry? Well I am too, but not for you.
     
    You say you wish there was a hell for people like you. Me too, my friend. Me too.
    [–]Radica1Faith 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    You can't take back what you did. But you can help through organizations like Trevor Project and the It Gets Better project. You can at least try to use who are now as a force of good and protect people who might be facing challenges similar to Drew. Please consider this.
    [–]fox_frost 13 points14 points15 points  (4 children)
    You have an outstanding debt that needs to be paid. Walk yourself into a police station and make the confession, regardless of whether you can still be prosecuted. In a sense, you've already failed in your responsibility to your children and family by hiding this and risking your job and livelihood, it is not a further failure to come forward and accept any and all consequences for what you did. That's a big decision to make but if you're haunted by guilt, it's the right thing to do, and the only way you'd have a right to not call yourself a piece of shit.
    [–]lilit_ 6 points7 points8 points  (3 children)
    That would be less than worthless. I'm not defending the op (far from it), but him going to prison wouldn't improve anyone's life. It doesn't absolve some cosmic debt. He'd just sit in a cage for a few years, if he doesn't get laughed out of the police station first
    [–]fox_frost 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
    Probably our philosophical systems diverge fundamentally. I think it does absolve a cosmic debt. He has accepted responsibility in almost every way for his actions, the last is to accept it within the bounds of society's legal system. I honestly believe if he had the courage to do this he would be completely transformed.
    [–]raptoricus 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
    Does prison absolve him of this debt? In my opinion, both he and society would be better served by him working to make a difference for LGBT people, by him being an activist, not by him sitting in a jail cell for a few years.
    [–]sandoooo 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
    I have to admit that I skim-read the latter half of your post because of how much of what you wrote was troubling to me. However you do seem to be remorseful but it's almost impossible for me to feel any sympathy for you.
    Your story really reminded me of Matthew Shepherd's and I immediately was reminded of a song called "The Fence" that a singer-songwriter named Peter Katz wrote about about gay-bashing incidents in memory of Matthew Shepherd. I recommend that you listen to it, and hope that you continue to regret what you've done in your past.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    Thank you for the recommendation, I will listen to it.
    I will regret what I did until the day I die, I have no doubt about that.
    [–]CDBIGUY81 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Also listen to American Triangle by Elton John. It's a very powerful song that still brings me to tears.
    [–]PonderosaPineapple 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I'm glad that you feel remorse and that you're teaching your kid to treat others better than you have in the past. If you can't find Drew to apologize, I honestly think you can atone in other ways. Volunteer, educate, mentor. You can't undo what you did, but you can make life easier for gay kids today.
    As a side note, I'm usually cynical of reformed homophobes and tend to hold grudges forever. Thanks for your story though, it makes me want to try to be more forgiving and give people second chances.
    [–]Alaska_Thunder 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    This is the most horrible thing i ever read on reddit. I was bullied when I was 15, it was very complicated, I never imagine what could be the over side of the act..
    [–]arlekin_ 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I've been on the other side of this kind of exchange. Don't try to find this Drew guy. Maybe he'll find you if he wants to, but that should be his choice. I doubt you'll ever hear from him. You have to live with what you've done. I suggest getting professional help. Find a therapist and be honest. Your therapist can't help you if they don't know what's eating you.
    If you want to make amends, help other people. You know that whole cosmic scales bullshit? You've got a heaping load on the asshole side of the scales, and you need to start putting some good acts on the other side. Get involved with LGBT groups. Get involved in anti-bullying groups. Volunteer. Make other people's lives better. Donate your time. Donate money, if you're in a position where it won't negatively affect your family. You can't change what you've done in the past. All you can do is control what you do with your future.
    You may never be forgiven for what you've done, and that's your cross to bear. Don't bother other people with it. But you can become someone that other people look up to. Someone that other people rely on. Someone that others credit with helping them through the darkest times in their lives.
    [–]redwhiskeredbubul 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Leaving aside my personal reaction to this, a few thoughts:
    1.) People who do this stuff don't usually volunteer information about it, I suppose mostly because it's a felony. I suppose the statute of limitations has run out. That said, if you feel remorseful and want to make yourself useful, I think you can maybe do so. Apart from what people here have suggested, depending on what you can remember and reconstruct about your motivations, personal background when you were a kid, methods, etc, that's information that's potentially useful to psychologists, law enforcement, educators, etc in preventing other things like this from happening. Your knowledge about this might be more useful than you think: usually with crimes of this kind, there's a silence that settles around it and the motives of perpetrators aren't necessarily that well understood first hand.
    2.) You must talk to your therapist about this, in whatever manner. This is a pretty big piece of missing information about you. Keep in mind that what you discuss with your therapist is strictly confidential, and, while your therapist is also human, they're professionally obligated not to sit in judgment of you. My guess, based on what I know third-hand, would be that their first concerns are going to be practical--for example they'll want to ascertain that you don't intend to do it again, that you understand on a simple, basic and literal level that violence is wrong (some people literally do not understand this) and so on. Past that point their primary concern is going to be about you and how this affected you: for example, being a perpetrator of violence also puts you at risk for PTSD and other problems. I cannot tell you that this process will be easy, but I think it will be for the good.
    3.) As far as talking to Drew: you can't, and shouldn't, for a variety of reasons. Where Hell is concerned, I don't know how religious you are, that's for you to decide: personally, I think there are the hells we make for other people and the hells we make for ourselves--the tragedy is that's all there is.
    [–]Link9454 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    I was harassed quite a lot as a kid in a rural school because I was a nerd and a bit effeminate. I was also a member of a swim team at another school (ours didn't have one, but the school worked out a deal for me) so I had removed pretty much all body hair and wasn't muscled in the same way as the foot ball players. That said, I'm 6'1" and was quite strong for how I looked (I could leg press close to 600lbs) so I didn't get the worse of it, another student got the worse of it. It wasn't until this kid also moved up into high school that I realized how much shit he was catching, mostly from a smaller jock who's name I've at this point completely forgotten.
    It was one day just before winter break I saw them both fighting in a hallway. There were several other students watching on, laughing as the bully was on top of the victim, punching him. I couldn't take it anymore. This bully was in 8th grade when I was a senior, but in that small of a school, middle schoolers and high schoolers shared the same building. I bowled my way through the crowd, grabbed the bully who was all of five and a half feet tall, and literally pitched him to the other end of the hall. The bully hit his head on a locker and ended up requiring stitches. I was in pretty serious trouble from the school, but my parents, and various other families ended up getting angry with the school which had some serious issues with bullying anyway. In the end, I got two weeks after school detention.
    It was after graduation I got a letter from the bully. It was somewhat passive aggressive, but he ended up apologizing and thanking me for stopping him. From other friends who were still in school after I left, I was told the bullying from this kid was no longer a problem.
    I am bisexual, and I'd be lying if I said that had nothing to do with my reaction, but frankly I'd had enough of bullying and taking and watching others take it. He was a smaller kid, but I demonstrated my resolution enough to hopefully make a few of them think otherwise.
    Edit: I want to add something that may apply more to your situation then just my own story.
    I cannot speak for Drew, or anyone else, but I can speak from my own experience. I would not wish on someone for this to haunt their entire lives, I am not a vengeful person that way. Sure, in moments of weakness, I imagine they are living in some nasty trailer park somewhere in a bad relationship or something like that. However, when it comes time to act, I am more willing to put the past behind me. I was working at a store as a sales clerk not long ago, and someone came into my store. A brick shithouse of a man who had to be nearly six and a half feet tall, 300 lbs, a giant frankly. I could pick out in any crowd. Let's call him John. John was by far one of the worse about bullying those who where different, myself included. I got him a fantastic deal, and he was perfectly pleasant to me as well. Many would consider it to be totally within my right to fuck him over.
    It's an interesting dissonance I have in these situations. First off is the anger and distrust from the past. Second is my willingness to take the high road and prove myself better. And third is my moral compass, which tells me that as people grow, they change, and they have a right to demonstrate their changes to me before I even attempt to judge them.
    Today, if Drew were here, I think he would be less likely to judge you, and more likely to ask a favor of you to repent for what you did. Talk to you child, talk to other children, talks to your friends, not specifically about what happened, but about accepting others who are different. Don't separate into groups, and by virtue of those groups, decide who deserves what. Teach them that bullying is wrong, that in-out thinking is wrong, and that every person deserves to demonstrate who they are by their actions before you judge them.
    Even though Drew is not here, I still feel the urge to issue this penitence to you, in repayment for your crimes, as your punishment. Do anything in your power to prevent what happened to Drew from happening to anyone else. This, my friend, is now your cross to bare for your life. Bare it with the knowledge that although it will not forgive you what you have done, at least not in my mind, but it may make for a brighter tomorrow where fewer people have to live with this very same guilt that now plagues you.
    [–]gorises 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    To the person who gave this gold, fuck you.
    [–]OptionalCookie 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Honestly, man. You are a piece of shit, and you deserve everything bad coming your way. And I hope you don't think that writing all of this will make you feel better, because it shouldn't.
    I used to spend my recess defending my friends on the playground and I almost was expelled for knocking out some kid for calling my friends and I "hockey puck, kike and city wok" (Black, Jewish and asian kid, and fuck South Park). He got what was coming. I only wish you did too. And I wish I had been there to give Drew a shoulder.
    Guess what, racism starts early: I was in a very white elementary school. I only felt comfortable in my skin when I got to middle school and high school where there were more people who looked like me with similar backgrounds to me. I am glad I didn't have the misfortune to meet someone like you can enjoyed high school.
    And I met gay people in this world, and had to interact with them as normal human beings.
    What does that even mean? You mean you didn't see them as human all throughout college enough though you beat a kid so badly and heard he went through the ER? Saw his blood on your shoe and realized it is as red as yours? You make it sound like a chore, like you were keeping from beating their faces in. What is wrong with you?
    I hate cats, but I somehow restrain myself from kicking one down the street because it is wrong. (/sarcasm)
    Whether the kid was gay or not, if he was straight would you have just rationalized it away? Yes, you would have because you are piece of shit. You and Joe and Rob just wanted something to beat up on. I don't think this is the first kid you guys fucked up as a group. I really don't.
    I obsessed over what I'd do if anyone ever tried to harm him, and I began to have flashes in my mind of another poor kid who someone did harm pretty fucking badly.
    You only felt guilty when you had a child? It doesn't feel like to me, you feel any remorse at all. You just had something niggling at you and think this is "off my chest." And it's not. You didn't even talk to time to think about Drew's parents when you heard the kid went to the ER. At no point in your mind could you think for yourself?
    I hope you fall asleep every day thinking about Drew, and wake up with his name in your mouth. Your child is better off without you, and you should turn yourself into the police.
    This is just as bad as the "ask a rapist" thread. You should have put this in offmychest and not go to the LGBT subreddit seeking forgiveness from the gay community. It is disgusting.
    [–]nateryland 8 points9 points10 points  (2 children)
    I had the clear realization that I was an utter piece of shit
    This should be title of your reddit. At least you feel some remorse to the point where you have anxiety coming on and it's consuming your life. You deserve much more than that if you ask anyone, but at least you're feeling something.
    I don't know what you wanted out of this, what you hoped to get from posting that, but I'll tell you this much: never look for Drew again. I mean it. I can tell you from my experiences from high school, thankfully not as bad at Drew's, if I ever saw the people that bullied me again and they apologized to me, I would kill them. I'm not over-exaggerating, I’m not being dramatic in any way, shape, or form. I would absolutely fucking kill them with my bare hands and get away with it. I repeat DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT DREW EVER. You will grovel at his feet and he will do much more than spit on you. I wonder if he’s even alive anymore. After what you all did to him, I wouldn’t be surprised if the poor guy committed suicide just to end it all, thinking everyone was as shitty as you.
    I’m not trying to sound mean, I’m just being honest. I’m glad you went to a more Liberal college and that you’re more progressive now, but I’m also glad that the vail is lifted and you live in anxiety and remorse. Physical scars heal quicker than emotional ones. Drew's bruises are gone but both of your mental scars are still there forever. If Drew is alive, he’s probably out there with his husband and children, and most probably blocked that experience at your high school out. If you return, it will ruin everything for him and the life he’s built and this will just be so that you can apologize and get the weight off your shoulder. Don’t be selfish.
    I can’t believe I’m about you give you some advice on how to overcome this guilt when you so clearly should live with it until you die an early death, but here goes:
    • You can start by volunteering to help LGBT teens. There’s lot’s of places you can do so and I encourage you to give it a try.
    • Try dedicating a little bit more of your life to helping others. Instead of living with your very justified guilt, use that to aid others in need.
    • Seek help. Talk to a therapist and he/she can do more for you mentally/emotionally than we can.
    • Again, do not try to make amends. Do not ruin Drew’s life to help you live your own.
    That’s all I have for you. Start here and it’ll get better. It’s good that you’re at least being a decent human being today. Take care, GuiltyGayBasher.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
    I just want to say, I am never, ever going to attempt to contact him. I've had some send me private messages offering to help, I've declined. I would not want to inflict any more trauma on him. I will live with the guilt forever, I know that. I accept that. I am seriously looking into the suggestions everyone has made for volunteering and atoning with works.
    [–]nateryland 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Well I am very happy to hear that and I hope that one day, a couple of years from now, you could post a follow-up on this Reddit with this account just to let us know how life is and you'll tell us how it's getting better. Even though what you did was horrible, you're a better person now who's feeling extreme remorse and, trust me, I've felt that too for something I did when I was a child so I know how it feels. It sucks, I know. You wake up feeling guilt and you continue to dwell on it in your spare time, which is why I always kept myself busy. I hope that everything gets better for you one day.
    [–]mjeffm 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
    You've gotten off free from any criminal punishment. It took you decades to even feel sorry for what you did. I'm a forgiving person, but this is unforgivable. Hopefully you can be a better person now.
    [–]Kallisti50253 28 points29 points30 points  (13 children)
    You were a gay basher, you're not anymore.
    You were a weak, stupid kid who did a dumb, cruel, thing to fit in. Just like millions and millions of other kids have done though the years for similar reasons. That's not something that you should have to pay for for the rest of your life.
    I really hope you're able to bring this up with your therapist and get some closure and peace. Because you do deserve it, even if it may not feel like it right now.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 9 points10 points11 points  (12 children)
    I understand what you say, but to me those are all excuses. There were a couple hundred kids in my high school. Only a few of us went as far as we did. I have racked my brain for some explanation as to why all those others from the same background and environment as me didn't have the complete and utter lack of empathy I did. I honestly wonder if I would have felt immediate remorse if we'd actually killed him. I don't know, and that bothers me more than I can bear.
    [–]TurtleTapenow with injectible testicles 19 points20 points21 points  (0 children)
    Yeah...I'm not a forgiving enough person to say "you were a kid, move on and do better". You were a shithead who seriously, seriously damaged someone for literally no reason. I don't even care if you were a kid, that guy didn't deserve any of it. You were old enough to know better.
    Spend your time being a better person and fixing yourself, but nothing you do will ever erase what you did.
    [–]KragsIntrospection, Contemplation, Curiosity, Spirituality 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    It would take a lot, but you can still have a net positive impact on the world, even with this vile action in your history. What you did will always be a part of you and a part of Drew, and I'm personally incensed that you never were made to answer for what you did, but I'm a strong believer in restorative justice. There's people in the world who are today going through the same thing that Drew went through, by people motivated by all sorts of justifications for their dehumanising hatred. You have an insight into this, and this makes you potentially valuable in the struggle against homophobic hate crime today.
    If you do nothing notable as a result of this post, then all that you've done is try to process your own guilt. If you do nothing, then the result is that you're still a piece of shit and I do not wish you well. If you sincerely make it your mission for the rest of your life to save the next Drews from the next yous, then at least today you'll be a better person and, more importantly, you'll be saving people from death and misery.
    And for fucks sake, definitely speak to your therapist about all of this. I do despise you for what you were, but I respect that you don't want to be that person, and for what it's worth I believe that you'd do whatever it takes to be a better person now. See if your therapist can help you find a way to volunteer to do some good in this field, because you need to be as efficacious with your work as you can be given what you did.
    If you do go and make it your life's work to oppose homophobic hate crime effectively, then you can be a good person in this stage of your life, even with the torture you inflicted on Drew in your history.
    [–]Kallisti50253 8 points9 points10 points  (5 children)
    Believe me, I'm not saying that anything excuses what you did or makes it ok, I just don't think something you did decades ago as a teenager should ruin your life now. You were 17. There's a reason teenagers aren't tried the same as adults in court; their brains are literally not developed enough to properly think through their decisions. You absolutely should feel guilty, but not to the point where it's all you feel.
    [–]mjeffm 19 points20 points21 points  (3 children)
    A 17-year-old who committed this kind of offence would likely be tried as an adult. Just saying.
    [–]Kallisti50253 -15 points-14 points-13 points  (2 children)
    Really? Thats terrible!
    [–]mjeffm 25 points26 points27 points  (1 child)
    Not really. It's a premeditated, cold-blooded hate crime. A 17-year-old can get away with a minor sentence just because he's a few days away from 18? Not in my books. Anyway, that's a whole other debate.
    [–]Higher_Primate 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Well if you read his post we should probably be bumping up adulthood to around 24. Anyone younger literally has an underdeveloped brain
    [–]SmaragdineSonBisexual 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    There's a reason teenagers aren't tried the same as adults in court; their brains are literally not developed enough to properly think through their decisions[1] .
    The Law Commission know this and have tried to have it put into UK law, specifically for the Diminished Responsibility defence, but have had no success.
    [–]TakeMeForGranted 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    You wouldn't have received a life sentence in jail either. A couple years at the most. Like I said in my main comment, just keep doing your best to make sure the next generation doesn't experience what Drew did. That's all you can do anyways. So do that to your best capacity. And provide your son with a loving safe stable home and guide him to be a loving safe person.
    [–]redfield021767 -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    Maybe it's because a part of you actually enjoys hurting people, and you managed find the perfect target given your environment.
    Others never did what you did because they don't have that.
    You do.
    [–]Gghhgghh2 -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    I'm positive if anybody else lived your life and had your genes they would do the same thing.
    [–]fareven 24 points25 points26 points  (2 children)
    I'm not religious anymore, but I sometimes think there should be a Hell for someone like me.
    Reading your post, I think there may be one.
    [–]Swampdude 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
    There is a prison, though, and he should have gone there.
    [–]kayleeelizabeth 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I don't think there is a hell, there doesn't need to be. What we do to ourselves is far worse than anything conceivable in any sort of hell.
    [–]windowtosh 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
    Why is everyone suggesting that he work with LGBT Youth? What happens when the conversation comes around to "what did you do when you were my age?" (as it inevitably will) "Oh, young queer person! I would bash kids like you." OP should not interact with queer youth at all, especially as a type of mentor or administrator or anything like that. This entire post was self serving and the amount of people suggesting he work with queer youth is astounding. Stay away. If you really feel bad donate money to some LGBT rights/LGBT youth organization. But never work with the type of people you used to bash.
    In my opinion, you should have gone to jail. But it's too late and any chance at forgiveness will have to come from yourself. Not from queer people on the internet, not from your little self-flagellation exercise, and definitely not from Drew.
    [–]timm1blr 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    I want to preface this by saying I am trying so hard not to judge you. This is one of the most heart wrenching things I've read on Reddit. I don't think I've ever felt that I could despise someone this much. I don't know if you ever can escape this, sometimes the shadow of your past stretches too far to see ever see the light again.
    That said, I hope you know that there is redemption available. There is still love. Because you are damaged does not mean you can't do good to others. Everyone else has said it, atoning is the only way I could look at someone like you in the eyes ever again.
    [–]CorvusFemina 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I'm close to your age, also grew up in the rural, poor, very conservative South, and am queer. I couldn't read your entire post. I grew up on the other side of the world you describe, and I've seen community members and friends lost to the psychological damage they suffered because of our world's attitudes toward us.
    I don't think you should try to contact him; you damaged him in significant ways. Instead make amends by actively working for a better world for the people who are young now, so they don't grow up like you and I did. Make your amends in a way that is a true sacrifice - give your fun money to LGBT rights groups, speak up even when it's uncomfortable (I bet you, like me, still have extended family who are actively anti gay rights). Forgive yourself, but don't forget.
    I am glad to hear that you have changed.
    I'm going to stop there.
    [–]emptyshelI 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    I'm sorry, but you fucking ruined a human beings life. Beat the humanity out of him. For all you know he killed himself to get away from any flashbacks to that night. You probably don't even give a shit, you just want sympathy for the poor ol' bully who's feeling remorseful. Fuck you for what you did, how long it took you to realize what you did, and not even doing anything about it except writing an anonymous post on the Internet. I'd say I hope the same thing happens to your kid so you'd realize just how much it ruins a person, but that's not fair to the kid. But lastly as someone who has to hide from his own family so something like this doesn't happen to him, I never felt so much rage from a Reddit post. Go fuck yourself and your misplaced pity. No amount of guilt is punishment enough for the harm you caused.
    [–]rimagana 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    I realize that I am late to the party and this will probably get ignored but I highly recommend putting this story out into the world. Reddit is a good first step, but if you truly want to make some sort of amends for what you did, putting this out into the world could really stop someone else from doing what you did. I understand that no one wants to be the "I used to be a nazi/rapist/some other horrible thing" guy, but this could definitely resonate with other kids in more rural conservative areas who probably have a similar mindset.
    [–]bear-necessitease 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
    You don't deserve an ounce of redemption, you sorry excuse for a human being. How dare you come to this forum in an attempt to make yourself feel better. You deserve to rot in a damp, dark cell for what you did.
    [–]EwanWhoseArmy -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    I don't think anyone is worthy of death
    [–]hickboy85 30 points31 points32 points  (3 children)
    This was very troubling to read. You were a horrible piece of human waste. Reading your story reminded me Matthew Sheppard, you sick fuck.
    At least you have seen the errors of your ways. Give to the human rights campaign if you want to try and help the LGBT community. Or better yet volunteer at a LGBT support Center, preferably for the youth.
    [–]sjgrunewald 18 points19 points20 points  (1 child)
    Or better yet volunteer at a LGBT support Center, preferably for the youth.
    Uhh, yeah, no. I don't care how long it's been I still don't want this guy around at risk LGBTQ youth.
    [–]hickboy85 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    Valid point
    [–]calladus 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    I would suggest that he just volunteer with any organization that doesn't discriminate.
    In my experience, he will find members of the LGBT community alongside of him.
    [–]ryguyrun 19 points20 points21 points  (0 children)
    You should be spending your life in prison (or part of it at least). Don't you fucking dare seek to find Drew or find out about Drew. You don't deserve to know what happened to his life. Every minute you spend outside of prison is justice stolen from him.
    You want to start to make it right. Spend every minute of your free time that you should have been in prison helping to make sure this doesn't happen to other people.
    [–]Rawscent 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    You can start with making amends, which is what this post is. Don't stop here, give money, volunteer, write letters. Speak out if you have the guts. You'll never 'make up' for what you did in the past but you can make a better future for yourself and others.
    [–]Whataclassyguy 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
    Hey, soon to me mental health professional here, can you speak more on that realization that you had? What led up to it what was going through your mind any possible actions, events, emotions that triggered it, etc.
    I'm looking to get into a practice that confronts toxic masculinity by confronting homophobia, sexism, heterosexual, and transphobia this could be an interesting insight into what and when people can close the dissonance in their minds about the morality of their actions.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    It's almost impossible to explain, and looking back I am shocked and disgusted that it took me so long. I think part of it is that when the attack occurred, I literally felt completely justified. So why would I spend time dwelling on it? As the years went on, my mind just continued to assume whatever I'd done was justified, even though I was undergoing big changes in my personal behavior, values and outlook. Dissonance is a good word for it.
    My son really was the catalyst I feel. When he was born I felt immediate change in that I felt nothing but pure love for this being and I was going to do anything I could to protect him and raise him right. The drip started then. Again, shamefully, it was slow. I actively tried to get it out of my mind. I think the main thing is that I did not want to believe I could have done something actually evil. So I didn't believe it until the point I couldn't pretend any more. Not sure if that answers your question?
    [–]daqman247 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
    Did this occur in Louisiana by chance? St. Tammany Parish?
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    No, it did not. I won't get specific of where, but it was not the deep south.
    [–]Narrowminded 20 points21 points22 points  (7 children)
    I suppose the odds are good that I'll be downvoted for this, but I'm going to be blunt. You don't deserve forgiveness.
    You suffer greatly, and I hope that continues. I hope it continues for the rest of your life. I hope it eats at you and tears you apart from yourself more and more, because that's probably exactly how Drew feels, if he didn't fucking kill himself over that event to begin with.
    How are you supposed to handle something like that? Being abducted and beaten in the middle of nowhere, threatened, have your property smashed up, your money stolen, all because of who you are, all because of something you can't change? How do you think he handled that? Do you think he ever managed to do so? Probably not. We are impressionable when we are young, and the impression you've driven into this kid at his age was loud and clear: you might as well be dead.
    I don't even remotely agree with this sentiment of "it was so long ago and now you feel remorse so it's okay because you're on the road to being a better person" - it's not okay, and it will never, ever be okay.
    We don't need to know how inhumane guys like you were. This kind of shit still happens today, and we all know it does. We don't need this sick reminder. Your confession is about as disgusting as you are.
    You can't apologize to this guy, assuming he still even exists right about now. Your actions spoke in a way that words cannot. It's too late.
    [–]sheffield504 11 points12 points13 points  (3 children)
    OP wants to ease his guilt by sharing this crapfest with the gay community, so we can absolve him and coo over him. How goddamn selfish.
    OP, this is such a cliche, but I hope your kid turns out to be gay so you can explain what a vile piece of shit you are and were to HIM, not us.
    [–]afrustratedfapper -2 points-1 points0 points  (2 children)
    Am I naive to think OP is a changed and better person than he once was?
    [–]Razgriz0120/M/Gay 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    No, you're not. Everyone claiming that this post is just self serving is too bitter to see past their conceptions that only monsters are capable of bad things.
    [–]nilla-wafers 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I don't know many people who have beaten and robbed another person.
    [–]c4m1l0Harmony 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
    I do not support your position, and I believe this is toxic behaviour. OP does need forgiveness because the LGBT community does not stand for violence, unforgivingness and selfishness. We need consistency. The LGBT community, I believe, is to promote love, equality, respect for others, helping other, etc...
    Now, I do not condone OP's past behaviour. It is horrendous. His action was completely unacceptable. His confession, the way I see it, is helpful. OP is willing to correct his wrong to a right, but he doesn't seem to know how.
    The real question is, where does OP go from here? He should receive support to change his views, promote calmness and nonviolence. I believe OP should get into contact with his victim because this cannot go on unresolved because that makes problems worse and not better. Of course, that could could end up a complete failure, but at the very least OP showed he was willing to correct something he sees as wrong. And I don't see why that should be looked at as wrong. How are we to improve people's worldview and opinion if they are left to solve their problems on their own? I don't know. Surely, there must be a way to resolve this in a civilized, rational and calm manner.
    [–]nilla-wafers 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Wouldn't that be like a rapist contacting their victim and saying "I'm sorry I raped you."
    No. Let's not do that.
    [–]lilit_ -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    OP does need forgiveness because the LGBT community does not stand for violence, unforgivingness and selfishness.
    What community? I support violence when necessary.
    [–]Kni7es 15 points16 points17 points  (2 children)
    There's a lot of emotion flying around in this thread and right now you need some direction. Stop listening to them for a second and start listening to me.
    Your job right now is to make sure your son grows up to be the best goddamn person he can be.
    There is absolutely nothing you can do for Drew. Nothing. At every juncture where your path crossed with his, you made the wrong decision. Those paths won't merge again, out of mercy for you both. What matters most now is where you go from here, because you can still control that.
    Your son is following in your footsteps now. Be the father you yourself needed back when you knew Drew; the father whose example would have led you to make better decisions. Be that man. Your son will meet his own Drews growing up, and it's up to you to provide the foundation he needs to help him, not put him down. That starts now.
    Along the way accept that you are not going to be a perfect father, nor will you provide a perfect example. It's going to be very hard to learn to forgive yourself for present and future mistakes when you have the weight of your past mistakes hanging over you. Counseling can help with that, provided you go in with the clear stated objective that this is what you want to do.
    And whatever you do... no matter how much it hurts to hide this secret... do not EVER tell your son about this. It's basically a free pass for bad behavior in children and adolescents. You can't afford that risk. Your absolution depends upon it.
    [–]yourdadsbffgaysha gown 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    It's basically a free pass for bad behavior in children and adolescents.
    I don't have kids or anything like that, so I'm in no position to argue this, but is this necessarily the case? I'm not implying OP ought to print out this post and show it to his son or anything. But if he wants to "provide the foundation" for his son to be an accepting and caring person, surely such an effort would be more powerful if it's coming from personal experience as opposed to just from a "prejudice is wrong" kinda thing.
    [–]Kni7es 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Because children learn from example, not necessarily from "lessons." To give you an example, albeit a flawed one depending on your perspective on drugs:
    [–]ThatGuyRaphael 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    I deserve worse than nothing.
    Oh yes. People like you made my life hell when I was a kid.
    [–]burritoroulette 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
    I'll take a different approach than most. I was bullied in school for being gay. Some was verbal, a lot was physical. This was only like 5-10 years ago, but it also took place in the south in a very religious area. It's a small town and a small school with a zero tolerance policy that got me in trouble everytime I tried to fight back.
    I still live in the same town where I grew up. I occasionally see my bullies around town, and I'm oddly enough friends with them on Facebook. I never took a beating as bad as Drew, but I sustained my fair share of injuries and attempted suicide a few times. I was in therapy for months, where I just sat there and didn't talk because I couldn't come out at the time. I don't go out of my way to talk to my bullies, and honestly I kind of get happy when I see something that goes wrong in their lives. However, if one of them reached out to me and informed me of the change that took place in their lives and they offered up an apology, I would take it. I'd be glad to hear it, and although we would never ever ever be friends, it would be good to know that they aren't continuing their horrendous actions.
    Drew, if he's still alive, either hates every fiber of your being, or is adult enough to put it aside and forgive you. It's up to you to decide how to handle it from here, but be sure to put yourself in his shoes and to act in a way that benefits him, not yourself. Make sure you let your therapist know so that she can help you. Despite what others are saying, you deserve some peace as well. You have changed from the person that you once were, and that is something to be happy about. Congratulations about not still being a complete twat, and for recognizing your past errors.
    [–]RixMaadi 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
    No, you aren't a gay basher or a monster anymore. You were. But the level of deep regret indicates you have changed. People do change and nobody is beyond redemption.
    Because you talk about changing your views pretty quickly in college, there's a morally relevant sense in which you didn't really know what you were doing was wrong. You probably never spoke to a single person who was openly pro-LGBT during your entire childhood. Everyone around you reinforced homophobia. I said a lot of homophobic and transphobic things when I was younger because I inherited homophobia and transphobia from my family and from my former religion. You and your friends did the same. Society encourages people to have homophobia and transphobia that they otherwise wouldn't have. It allows them to do horrible things because they are blind. That's why I've forgiven my bullies--I know for a fact that every one of them was spoon-fed sexism, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, some degree of racism, etc...
    Forgive yourself. Not necessarily because you deserve it. Not to make things right. The point of forgiveness is that it isn't really deserved. There isn't any evening of the scores. Just a resolution to move on. Forgive yourself because you need it. Forgive yourself because feeling bad about this twenty years later just prolongs the suffering; it makes it more powerful, more far-reaching.
    And I agree with others: you need to talk about it in therapy. Again, for your own sake, because your therapist will know better than any of us what you need. This post is not a cure, it is the first step to one.
    [–]wuboo 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I wasn't expecting to cry today.
    [–]gregg582 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    reading this brought me to tears, and i'm not usually the type to cry...
    [–]Polarchuck 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    A way to atone for what you did is this: raise your children well. Actively teach them to respect everyone no matter their sexual identity or gender or race. Also - get a therapist. You have a lot to work out.
    [–]Sheriff_Shitface 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    We live in a strange time in which many, many men are groomed to believe that otherness is a sin above all others. Maybe the part of you that was groomed to mock Drew and not speak up is the same part that recoiled from the first negative reaction your language received in college, and it's also the same part of you that is preventing you from taking action to help others -- those in in Drew's shoes, and in yours. I don't guess there's anything you can do to change the impact your past actions had on Drew's life during and after those years. But maybe in talking to a therapist about this, you can come to terms with how the past that haunts you came to occur, and start learning ways you can change our culture for future generations -- not by waving a flag somewhere, but by learning to say "that's enough," when it's right (not when it's penance) and by modeling acceptance for your kids and their peers.
    [–]thebennubird 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Let's go forward trusting that what you have said here is real. I'm a gay man. I have my own memories of taking part in bullying vulnerable people that haunt me at night and give me horrible tightness in my throat and make me question myself and my moral compass. What I did wasn't physical, it was anonymous, and could be chalked up to the regular bratty/douchey high school rumor spreading that makes me feel shitty, and could have escalated, and if it had, I don't know if I'd be able to live with the pain of that sort of guilt.
    I also had "[My name] sucks dick" written on my locker in high school. I've felt ostracized for my sexuality, I've felt the pressure of having to hide who I am, and what it's like to encounter a society filled with a large majority of people who will never fully understand an aspect of my identity, like any other minority. I experienced the fear of being honest with who I was for many years, and many of my close friends have lived through much worse because of their sexualities. Bullying is a cycle and it's doing a disservice to real progress to pretend that you are less than human, like the rest of us.
    My first instinct while reading this was to say that I hope you forgive yourself, because taking the pain that Drew felt and inflicting it on yourself is only increasing the number of victims of this situation, and if everyone here believes in peace then I think it's irreconcilable with wishing anything worse on you. I see some others have better suggestions than me about how you can increase your karma and help the LGBT community, but on a moralistic level, I would be hypocritical to think you deserved suffering because of your actions when I (and I'm sure, others here) have harmed other people for no good reason. I'm not really religious and I don't think praying would do much, but if you and Drew both have long-lasting wounds from this situation than I sincerely hope both of you find or have found a way of healing.
    Lastly, while I have some strong empathy for what you are going through long after the fact, it's pretty clear that a lot of people here are not going to tell you anything that is good for your psychological well-being, and I highly recommend finding a therapist if you haven't already and telling them exactly what you put here. It will be better for you in the long run than focusing on the feedback you are getting on Reddit from people who are reaching into a past of abuse and finding anger and hatred and where you are easily dehumanized as simple words on a screen.
    [–]EVILZOO 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Seriously, fuck off. You have already done enough damage to someone who may literally never mentally recover from what you did to him, if he's even still alive. And instead of meaningfully trying to better the gay community in some way, you wrote a self-serving post on a message board. You're sorry yet you are trying to hide your location to a severe degree because it might mean having to face the ugly reality of what you did in the past, in one way or another. Seriously, just fuck off.
    It's exhausting having to be "the better person" so frequently as a gay man growing up in these times, having to forgive people like you because it's the right thing to do, or you didn't know any better. I'd rather you have not shared this story. Go away, disappear, get the fuck out of here.
    [–]gnurdettetrans 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    This is a stunning story, and you've written it up well.
    And, ironically, you've put it in the one place where it can do the least good. Because we already know about this kind of violence. Sure, it does flesh our understanding out to get a viewpoint from the other side, but... the people who really need this story are the ones who aren't LGBT, who deny that there's a problem, who gripe about how much better it was when nobody dared to violate what they call "family values", who whine that gay rights make them feel oppressed, and so forth.
    I think you should look for a more public place to publish this.
    [–]Uchitaketo 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    It's important for you to realize that you haven't redeemed yourself in any way. It's an important step that you've come to understand the severity of the actions you took, yet you seem to want to leaveit at that. Want to make up for Drew? You can't. But what you could do, is help make sure no other kid suffers like he did at the hands of people like, well, you. Do some activism, of any kind, donate to charity. Do something. Because honestly you should be in jail. That would be justice. But in absence of that, making it better for others in Drew's situation would be the next best thing.
    [–]__seripha__ 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
    Congratulations on being a sociopath? I don't know what you want from this but it's hard to muster any sympathy for you or even imagine that you actually give a fuck. You weren't just a "dumb kid" and it's disgusting to dismiss it like that. Anyway I hope he is still alive.
    [–]EwanWhoseArmy -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    OP isn't a sociopath, OP knows and is aware what they did was wrong.
    The leader of their gang or whatever maybe however
    [–]Mythology 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    I haven't read through all the comments here, but I think there's something else you need to hear and it's never a popular opinion but it's true.
    We've all been through high school and it's a tough time, it's a period when we're desperate for solidarity, we fear change, we fear being different and we fear not being one of the crowd. It's instinct. At that age our minds are starting to reach that period when we're trying to be self-sufficient but at the same time we're desperate to find our place in the herd.
    The reality is... while what you did is wrong and it's unforgivable (sorry, it just is, that's a guilt you need to live with), you were partially a victim as well. You latched yourself to someone that was a terrible influence, that you felt compelled to not just obey but respect and look up too.
    This isn't a "you're off the hook" though, you still made a choice. You could have said no, you could have stopped what happened, you could have done anything the avoid the situation.
    It takes a lot of strength though to come out and admit this though, but you're not going to find forgiveness from the community or the person you've hurt and it's not what you need, you'll eventually have to decide to forgive yourself. Admitting you fucked up bad is the first step, obviously you're not a terrible person, we all make bad choices and it's those decisions that haunt us the most, but at the same time, don't let it destroy your life.
    [–]MidgardDragon 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    The crushing guilt is your burden to live with and not something you deserve to be relieved if via anyone's forgiveness. I say this not to be an asshole but because it is a fact of life you must accept. Grip that guilt tight and use it as a catalyst to do good things throughout the rest of your life. But never let it go because that is not your guilt to give up. It was given to you by a boy who did nothing wrong and it cannot be given back.
    [–]agentshags 4 points5 points6 points  (2 children)
    At least he feels guilty... I'm sure that's more that some gay bashers feel...
    [–]lilit_ 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    The story being made up and/or him being a sick, manipulative fuck are more likely than him being a sincerely remorseful gay basher, honestly.
    [–]timm1blr 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I understand the sentiment, but I don't think that's enough. That should be the standard of how the gay bashers feel.
    [–]Loopy_Wolf 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
    I've always believed, ever since I was a child, that it is within everyone to make a choice: do good or do bad.
    No one is inherently good or bad, but there are choices we make that all make culminate in what we end up as.
    I sat and read this entire post and I'll be honest with you - I feel no sympathy for you. I work in an industry where every day I see scumbags ruin other people's lives and I feel nothing but contempt for them. It brings me great pleasure to see someone who's done some very evil things get what's coming to them.
    My marriage was already not good as I tended to work non-stop and there were other issues between my wife and I. Now I was becoming riddled with anxiety whenever I wasn't occupied by something. And the rationalizations chipped away. I would look at myself in the mirror and see someone who wasn't what I'd thought. Someone I hated.
    One night I sat in my home office and I had the clear realization that I was an utter piece of shit. I stopped in anyway trying to brush it off and rationalize, I just fucking accepted it. I bawled. I just collapsed. I admitted to myself the fact that I had done something so inhumane to someone who didn't deserve a bit of it.
    Frankly - I'm glad you went through all that. I really am. You got what you deserved for your part in what you did to Drew. Like any crime - you paid your dues.
    But I'm also really hopeful that you can finally realize what you did and do something to prevent it from ever happening again. Why do I want this?
    Because I know you can do it.
    You were not the person who took it upon themselves to really let that evil out and hurt someone else like Joe did. You were just a stupid kid who got wrapped up in some psychopath's agenda.
    I really hope Joe is dead right now. I really do. If I had my way, I would do unspeakable things to him. Unspeakable and horrible things. But those are just fantasies and violence only begets more violence.
    So what solution do we come to? Well like I mentioned earlier - I really believe you can be a driving force for change.
    Look at all the people who are locked up in prison for those same unspeakable crimes. Look at what they do to make sure today's children don't make the same mistakes they did.
    I really believe that while you can't ever go back and undo what you've done to Drew, you can make sure that your son and any children you come across will never make the same mistakes you did. I really believe you have it in you to make a choice for good instead of for evil.
    I believe in that way, and I know you're in therapy right now, that you can ultimately come to terms with what you did and lead a life without that same guilt and regret you've been hanging onto all these years.
    You've suffered enough. It's time to rebuild. It's time to make sure those same crimes never occur again. It's time to make sure the past stays in the past and never shows it's ugly face to the world because if we don't stop growing, if we don't stop learning from our mistakes, then we will never, ever be what we truly aspire to - human beings.
    I wish you luck in your endeavors.
    [–]netflixncuddlesHella gay 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I really believe you can be a driving force for change.
    Agree 10000000000000% on everything!
    [–]burgundy_snake 3 points4 points5 points  (3 children)
    I am glad you shared this in this subreddit. What would be wonderful is if you shared it in locations where you are likely to find people who still think beating up LGBT people is ok. I am glad you have written this. As for not doing anything for the LGBT movement--you won't be able to make up for what you did but having allies who have thought deeply about these issues is good. There are places you can find to contribute. I can tell from reading this that you are worried that Drew is no longer around. You could always have a professional help you find him.
    [–]blinkingsandbeepings 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    This is what I was going to say -- r/lgbt isn't where people need to hear this. If there are subs where hating GLBT people is the norm, or other places online where people hang out who think this behavior is okay, that's where he should have shared this.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
    I thought about originally posting it in r/confessions. Part of me thinks that would have been better, as I did not intend to anger people by seeming like I'm here begging for forgiveness and sympathy from the lgbt community. I am not asking for forgiveness, because I don't feel I deserve it. Hard to express, but I believe I had to share it because of what this says about people like me and how we treat others and what that does to everyone.
    I won't ever try to contact Drew. Whatever potential benefit he might get from my apologizing to him is hugely outweighed by the risk that my even contacting him would be another trauma for him.
    [–]burgundy_snake 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Are you sure its not because you are afraid of what you will find?
    It did not come off to me like you were asking for forgiveness, by the way. More like you had the feeling for a long time and didn't know what to do with it.
    [–]CalamitousDSocial Justice, Loudly Demanding Equality 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    Why someone gave you gold is beyond me. I hope you feel shame for the rest of your life, because I can guarantee you that you ensured that Drew would.
    [–]KelMage 11 points12 points13 points  (1 child)
    So I can't minimize the objective harm that you've done as a result of your actions, you probably traumatized Drew and you certainly injured him rather badly. You assaulted someone for reasons that are unacceptable, and you made several choices that would have pushed this to a premeditated assault in the legal system. You were foolish, you were young, and you made a terrible mistake - one that you were lucky enough to avoid punishment for.
    It's easy to shout your apologies into the internet but very hard to make real amends. Drew may or may not be alive, he may or may not every want to know you exist again, he may or may not even care to remember the trauma you caused. Justice, however, is a concept based not only on punishment but also on change.
    You have changed, you now know better, and you have made an attempt at amends. Lots of people, I'm sure, are so mad at you that they can't even respond and others have suggested that you should make amends through volunteer work - they may be right. I'm going to offer a different comment:
    I forgive you.
    We are all ultimately on the loosing end when homophobia is enacted. Gay men and women suffer the worst but even those that harm us are also injured by the horror of prejudice. You suffer with us, through your enactment of the same homophobia that cages gay men and women, and through the pain you suffer at your own conscience now.
    You hurt someone, we all have in various ways, but we must all eventually move on. You must take this lesson and learn what you can from it but you must also eventually MOVE ON. Raise your child to be a wonderful person who accepts people, be the guy who tells a buddy to "shut-it" when he uses homophobic language, be the guy who acts in his life to undermine the very prejudice that made a victim of you and Drew.
    Learn to forgive yourself. Have compassion for yourself. Help build the world you wish you had grown up in.
    [–]ghanima 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
    I agree. For all of the advice that OP volunteer with LGBT youths, I can't help but think that the most help he could give would be to help future-gay-bashers learn from his mistake.
    Teaching his son to be tolerant and respect people's differences is a start, but -- after he has learned to cope with the shame and remorse he feels -- maybe he could look into providing public speaking (or something similar) to youths in the more closed-minded areas of American society.
    Edit: close to closed
    [–]Arkeaus 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    Fuck.
    You.
    [–]Cockwombles 11 points12 points13 points  (4 children)
    You probably do deserve to feel like shit, and you were a bad person. Maybe not the worst, but weak and heartless.
    That's not who you are anymore though, is it? You've had a life, you've learned and you have grown.
    I hope Drew is ok too. Maybe he would like to hear an apology, I think you should find him and offer it. I honestly think that would be the right thing to do, to offer. Maybe you should try to find him more earnestly. Check your school records and Facebook.
    [–]paffle 23 points24 points25 points  (3 children)
    I don't know. I suspect Drew might be quite happy not to ever hear from this guy again. Connecting with him might be beneficial to both, but it might also stir up old suffering that Drew wants to leave behind. If I were Drew I know I'd suspect that the main reason this guy wants to get in touch with me is to make himself feel better, and not anything to do with me or my well being. In fact I'd feel like my well being is none of his business. If he can't get over it himself, then I'm not going to help him.
    Perhaps Drew is a bigger-hearted man than this. But unless he is, getting back in touch might just seem like coercing him into some program you've devised for making peace with yourself. We can't know for sure but I don't think it's obvious that getting in touch is the right thing to do.
    Sometimes when we do bad things we just have to live with the fact that we did them and the pain that causes us, instead of trying to make the pain go away.
    Edit: To clarify, I'm not advocating doing nothing. Some kind of counselling on this particular issue could be helpful. But you need to be careful of your motives when considering making contact with Drew, and if it does seem like the right thing to do and you try it, respect his right to not engage, should he not wish to.
    [–]Cockwombles 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
    Ha yes, suppress that pain!
    I am thinking for Drew's sake only. He can dismiss this guys apology easily enough. I don't think it's self serving. I think it would genuinely be brave and show a change of character to send him a letter at least.
    There no way Drew just forgot he got beat up.
    I was a bully growing up, and I got picked on too. I'm still bitter and regretful. Not to the extent apologies need to happen, but still, in this case maybe there should.
    [–]KragsIntrospection, Contemplation, Curiosity, Spirituality 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
    There's remembering and then there's remembering. Meeting this OP might turn the first into the second, if you get my meaning.
    [–]Cockwombles 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    That's why I thought send a letter. Just showing up would be a jerk move.
    [–]isthisusernamevalid 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
    I honestly cant say I hope you ever feel at peace with this, because in the way I see it thats the only sort of punishment you have ever recieved for what you did and even then it barely even seems like justice to me. I mean you have a job and family and you don't have to deal with nearly as much of the shit you caused.
    Really I cant say I feel bad for you
    [–]diagnosed-wanderlust 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    Pay it forward. Volunteer for lgbt teens, donate time/money to resources that help teens going through what you put Drew through. Help make the world a better place so that society can learn from your mistake.
    I also agree with the others regarding therapy. Your therapist can't help you if they don't know what's wrong. Someone else said to print this up and give it to them to read. I think that you should have it in hand, if you lose the courage to say it to them. But saying something aloud makes it real, so much more than typing it. It will help you get past this and able to give back to the community you so hurt.
    [–]mekanicallyseperated 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    I'm seeing some anger on here from the responses you're getting. I understand that anger as I was one of those kids that was relentlessly bullied in school. I still have the chipped tooth and broken nose that'll be with me forever.
    But what I came here to say is that the most important thing that you can do, in my humble opinion, is to forgive yourself. You have to. It's the only way you can move forward. What you did was bad, yes. But you are not that person any longer. That is quite obvious from reading your story and responses to comments. You need to forgive yourself and understand that part of the human learning experience is to fuck up. We all fuck up. And the goal is to learn from these mistakes and become better people, which you have done. You have a son to share your life with. Be whole for him but be whole for yourself first.
    You don't need to be in a prison of your own making. You learned an incredibly valuable lesson. One of empathy and compassion. I have personally forgiven the people that made a large part of my life hell. I can only hope that they feel as you do. If one of them contacted me (it's been over 30 years) to apologize, I'd be thrilled. You are a good person and the world could do with more people who are able to learn from their mistakes.
    Thank you for sharing what is very painful to express. It makes me happy to know that someone has been able to move into a direction of love after causing suffering. But really, please forgive yourself. You have a good heart. Much love to you!!!
    [–]QueerandLoathinginTO 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
    I don't forgive you.
    I hope you wallow in guilt for the rest of your life.
    [–]MyVoiceHereGay man 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    It's because we as humans are capable of this that the worst attrocities are possible by leaders and followers during wars.
    It's your son, it's all the sons of this planet that you and your friends beat up to what could have been his sure death.
    This level of extremely violent homophobia continues to be commited all over the world on a daily basis by people conviced, like this man at the time, of his total superiority over homosexuals.
    But people can change.
    [–]Wonderful_Nightmare 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I honestly can't say a whole lot to you about this post; I don't have a ton of sympathy for people who have done what you've done but you should live your life with full acknowledgement and acceptance over what you've done and strive to be a better person.
    [–]qdamniStraight guy married to a wonderful lesbian 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    You need to do more to make up for what you've done. Try getting involved with a program like Challenge Day which works to promote acceptance prevent bullying in schools.
    Dedicate as much of your life as possible to making sure this never happens again. TO ANYONE. EVER.
    [–]everything_is_still 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I'm not going to bore you with my story. I'm also not going to go on about what a shit you were; you know that. I got a lot of shit in school and even more at home where my mother called me a cocksucking faggot when i told her i MIGHT be bisexual...when I was 12. I had nothing and no one.
    I said I wasn't going to tell my story so I digress. What I will do is tell you what YOU can do to make this right to yourself and to this kid. I don't know what the statute of limitations is on this particular sort of brutal assault where you live but many states don't have one for this manner of evil. Confess. Turn yourself in. Face your punishment like a man. If you don't atone for this everything else you are doing here is worthless, much like you as a teen.
    [–]drew_a_way 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
    Dear Basher: "Throw-a-Drew" account here too. I obviously grew up in the same small town in the south only 30 years earlier than you and 30 years more ignorant about sexuality. Back then homosexuality was considered a type of mental illness and homosexual acts were a criminal offense. I got my "beating" in 1965 as a 6th grader. It was the last week of school before summer vacation. They must have thought of me the same way you thought about Drew. What they did could have broken my neck as easily as it broke my arm. They didn't care either way. "Like swatting a fly." I.meant.nothing.to.them. And I knew it. They didn't have to say it. They didn't have to warn me not to identify them either but they did. And like Drew I didn't tell anyone because I couldn't leave town or even ask for help without exposing myself to more of the same. I told my parents I tried to launch out of a swing and expected to land on my feet. No one knows any different to this day except for 3 people, me and the two guys who taught me to disappear. I wound up in the ER too and general anesthesia to set the bones in my arm.
    Believe me Drew doesn't want to hear from you. I ran in to one of my attackers just 2 years ago at my Mom's funeral. Like I said, very small town and he's a (Mexico educated) Dr. there now. He's friendly with my sister and her husband and attended the funeral. He tried to shake my hand and I ignored him. It was the second time he's spoken to me in 50 years. It made me sick. Drew doesn't want to hear from you. He wishes you were dead probably.
    I hope confessing your crime on the internet makes you feel better. Your son should know what a changed man you are! I'm sure he'd understand. You changed Drew's life and he probably can't forget the day a few classmates tried to kill him because they HATED him for being different. He doesn't care if your life has evolved.
    Sadly this is still happening today. There are lots of Drew's out there.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I won't ever contact Drew, as I've stated. I'm very sorry what you endured, no one should ever had to go through what you did, or what did Drew did. I was inhumane and awful, and I don't have any intention of inflicting myself on him again to make myself feel better.
    [–]EwanWhoseArmy 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Maybe I am slightly different, Granted I was more verbally assaulted and somewhat cyber bullied as a teenager (I am 25 so this was when social media was kicking off and my myspace got barraged with hateful comments, and I was outed as a sick joke by some college guys) .
    Anyway people change as they grow up, I am actually friends with one of the guys who covered my dorm door in homophobic crap and practically outed me to my parents who were dropping me off. He has changed since then, he apologised and I forgave him. I know what happened to you and Drew was barbaric, and unforgivable but still I respect that OP may have changed
    [–]freeflowingthoughts 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I read pretty much all of your post except for the tale end because I eventually had enough of reading what you had to write. Much of your post was really hard to get through. Personally, I only grew up with mental abuse from my older brother, never from anyone at school. He was a teenager in the 90's and I was six years younger than him. He would constantly berate me for being gay, a faggot, queer, homo, etc. even as a child. I have never forgiven him for mentally abusing me because it had always made me feel like I was some sort of abomination. He has changed now and is accepting of all people, but I still cannot forgive him for how he made me feel growing up. In other words, I doubt Drew (if he didn't commit suicide and I really hope he didn't) has forgiven you. And I don't think Drew should ever forgive you. Your actions go beyond disliking someone for their sexuality and differences. You beat someone so badly for no real reason. Ignorance or not, you were a 17 year old and should've known better. Then you and your friends robbed him and left him there, and even joked about your actions. Disgusting. All of this is unforgivable, even if you have "changed" today. I'm still angry.
    [–]Caydo 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I have never read something where I wanted to give someone I was reading about a hug, tell them it'll be okay, and tried my damndest to save them so bad in my entire life.
    I just...I want to call all of my friends who are LGBT and just tell them how amazing they are and how much I love them. One's on now, I'm going to message them right away.
    What a monstrous thing to do. I've never been this choked up reading something about someone I don't even know...
    God I hope Drew's life is the best. That he's the happiest he could possibly be.
    [–]xobar0 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I hope you realize how much of a joke it is that you made this. You're not going to find closure here. You have to live with this for the rest of your life.
    If you care to, find ways you can try to give back to the LGBTQ community and be vocal against its marginalization, but the best that could do is make you hate yourself a little less.
    Beating yourself up on the internet and making into your trauma and your big event is just about a huge dick move. If you'd posted this in a subreddit where there is genuine hate against LGBTQ people, this would still be self-absorbed but less of a waste, and could actually do something.
    But this is inappropriate.
    Edit: But to give you advice, counseling/therapy is wonderful and I strongly recommend you look there for whatever you're trying to accomplish.
    [–]EwanWhoseArmy 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    While I respect your honesty, this isn't going to undo what you did. Everyone does things they live to regret but like that you are going to have to live with it for the rest of your life I am afraid. Don't contact the kid assuming he is still around, you don't deserve forgiveness for what you did. If he wants to forgive you then that is his choice however.
    What you can do is try and prevent other people doing the same thing to another kid, maybe volunteer with LGBT teenagers and make their lives better, try to raise awareness of homophobic crime or something like that.
    I was bullied for appearing gay as a teenager (well I am gay but I wasn't out) but thankfully I was never the victim of physical violence, I can't imagine what that kid was going through when you lot decided to constantly harass and bully him and ultimately beat him to a pulp. Maybe the US is behind the UK on this one, but if this was the UK you lot would have the Fuzz banging on your door the following morning.
    What I will say is that I don't think you are a bad person as such, you were lead by someone into doing this, you are showing remorse and your attitude at the time is probably a result of your environment and upbringing more than anything. You mentioned church can I hazard a guess and say your pastor/minister whatever ranted a lot about LGBT people? You remind me a bit of the Phelp's daughter, when she left the homophobic environment she has become a LGBT ally and supporter, looks like the same happened to you when you went to college.
    Also may I suggest posting this somewhere like /r/Christian or /r/US or /r/whateverstate/city ? WE are all aware of bulling and violence against LGBT people, other parts of reddit may benefit more from this
    [–]NeverAnonPassion, Love, Sex 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    I hope you never find peace and that your suffering follows you to the grave. You deserve no kind of catharsis.
    [–]LtSikorskiPolysexual Agender 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
    I was one of the more lucky ones, born in the UK and I lived in a very friendly area. About 10 people came out in school, I was probably the last. As you have said, you're a follower. You don't appear to be a bad person. Your psychology makes you do anything depending on situation. However, taking responsibility would be something hard for someone of your mind to do and I applaud you for that as most would give the "I was following orders so it's not my fault, I'm not always like that" excuse. I don't think it's our place to make your life hell or unleash revenge on you. Such violence and hate was the cause of the problem in the first place and would only appear to give you reason to hate us. I'm sure many others are the follower types, even Joe I'd say as he followed what was society's norms at the time as opposed to using his own reasoning and individuality. So while you're still responsible for your actions, I believe it could've been prevented if society hadn't influenced you that way. I believe everyone should be free of influence from social norms, with the exception of promotion of peace, forgiveness, unity etc.
    [–]KragsIntrospection, Contemplation, Curiosity, Spirituality 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    That said, I believe that restorative justice is necessary in this case. He's made the right first step now, late though it is, and the next correct step is to save others from the hell he put Drew through.
    [–]bookwench 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I'm afraid I couldn't read it. Too much of the same thing over and over, violence in this world. From the reactions of others this is something that you should have gone to prison for. Which means - you could, theoretically, go to the police and confess and go to prison. Which would effectively ruin your life, most likely. And the reason to not do that is the same reason most criminals who later regret their acts come up with: What a waste, when you could be doing something useful and good.
    So.
    Are you doing something useful and good?
    [–]dusty1996 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I was a victim of bullying. Even though you can't apologize, or even that you never bullied me, it is nice and welcoming that you have remorse for what you did. Although what you did was tragic and horribly wrong, at least you've changed. People change. Thank you for changing.
    [–]netflixncuddlesHella gay 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    I'm an 18 year old gay male, who has never gone through bullying or physical assault. I'm white, middle-class, and come from a slightly left-of-center hometown, and go to a fairly liberal college. I have not experienced much (if any) oppression in my life. Take all this into account when I say I don't hate you, OP. I don't feel the anger and rage for you like others do. Then again that's expected, as I've never gone through what some others have. I think it's good that you are trying to do whatever you can to become a better person. You can't change the past. What you did is horrible, disgusting, and makes me scared for my future, to be honest. But admitting it to yourself, to your counselor (which you really should do), and moving on with your life and making it a better place for other LGBT+ kids is the only thing you can do, now. Donate, volunteer, and support youth LGBT+ groups, make sure your son (and every young person you ever meet from this point forward) is instilled with ideas that they never do what you did...and breathe, man. Your past actions and beliefs are the worst of the worst in this world. But that doesn't mean that's your future as well. Please harness the same energy you used that night to mercilessly beat Drew, take the passion you had in hurling hurtful words day after day, and channel the power you had in spitting on his battered and bloody body, to now vow to work to never let another person go through the same inhumane torment you put Drew through. That's how you can begin to make amends
    [–]Rorplup 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Are you guys serious?
    1) You did a shitty thing. Everyone telling you that is absolutely right and you have come to realise how wrong you are but posting this on a throwaway account is pretty cowardly. You are ashamed of what you did. You shouldn't be hiding behind a fake account. Yes, we're on the internet and won't ever see you but it is a bit cowardly.
    2) For the people attacking him, he gets what he did was wrong. He knows what he did was an absolutely shitty thing to do. Judge him and criticise him for the shit he pulled back then but forgive him now because he knows he did wrong. A lot of gay people in the community can't forgive
    3) I've been attacked twice for being gay. One person did apologise to me for it. Don't get me wrong, still hate the guy but I got peace of mind from the apology. The other guy attacked me seven years and even took his friend with him to hold me down. This fuckers sister is friends with me on Facebook. He knows where I am. He knows how to contact me and I haven't been given an apology yet and since the man hasn't had the balls to apologise, I don't feel like I have any closure. A lot of people are saying that this guy shouldn't see if he can contact Drew. I disagree.
    For the rest of my life I am going to know that a guy out there hates me and I am really not comfortable with that. For Drew, there's three people out there who hate him in his head and they don't regret their attack on him.
    I think that you should make contact to explain what a piece of shit you were back then. Drew may not forgive you but I would say it would make him feel better.
    As for the reactions in here, I can understand every one of them. I don't agree with a lot of them but I do get them.
    Can I make a suggestion? Go to the police. Let them know what you did and those other two assholes did. Own up, maybe. It might get back to Drew what you did.
    [–]AbsentEmpire 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    After reading this the only thing I can really articulate besides wishing horrible tragedy on you, is that you disgust me on deep level as a human being.
    I hope you live with the guilt and shame of what you did hanging around your neck as an unending burden till the end of your days. May you one day have to tell your son your shameful past and see in his eyes a spark of respect for you go out and never return. That will be your true punishment.
    [–]dorkymiss 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    this will get down voted like crazy but since you can't go to jail, i hope you live with this crippling guilt for the rest of your life. you deserve it.
    [–]mathemagicat 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I'm going to have to disagree with the collective here.
    Please, please, do not go volunteer for the Trevor Project or the It Gets Better project or anything of the sort. You have nothing special to contribute. No victim of bullying anywhere needs to hear anything you have to say. At all. Suggesting that you atone by volunteering at the Trevor Project is like suggesting that a rapist atone by volunteering at a rape counseling center. It's absurd.
    If there's any lesson we can take from your story, it's that there's absolutely nothing Drew could have done. And that's consistent with what most repentant bullies say. Their victims didn't do anything wrong, and nothing they could have done would have made the torture stop. Which means that you know - like we all know - that the problem doesn't get solved by talking to victims. There's nothing they can do but try to survive.
    But there are people who do need to hear your story, who can actually do something with it. Lots of them. Bullies, obviously, especially 'followers' like you. Parents - of both bullies and bullied children - who blame the victims for not fighting back, or for tattling, or for being oversensitive. Parents who may be abusing their gay kid themselves. Teens who might be able to identify a problem before it becomes life-threatening. School administrators, school board members, legislators, anyone involved in setting school policy.
    If you really want to atone for what you've done, make it your life's mission to keep kids like Drew from being abused and assaulted. Not to help them survive it, not to counsel them after the fact. That's our job as survivors. Your job as a perpetrator is to make it stop happening. Figure out what could have stopped you and make it happen. You owe him at least that much.
    [–]TheLegendaryTakadi 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
    Who gives a fuck about your redemption or your remorse. You attention seeking piece of shit. You don't deserve happiness. It makes me sick that someone gave you gold. It makes me angry that all karma gave back to you was a divorce. I pray this guilt eats your soul and your being for the rest of your undeserved life
    [–]nervehackerScience, Technology, Engineering 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I am sorry that people are downvoting you for saying the truth.
     
    Edit: spelling.
    [–]pmmeurpics 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
    You're telling this narrative as though it everything is fixed because you have amended your view of people with different sexual orientation than yourself, but in reality the real underlying issue (and the cause of this whole story) is that you were okay with dispatching violence, personal violation, and emotional abuse against others. It seems to me like you are apologizing because you feel guilt for the actions you have made against a person because he was different than you, but you haven't addressed the fact that you approved and engaged in violent, sadistic behavior. Beating up someone for (insert reason here) is an excuse, what is the reason behind those actions?
    [–]mister_jaggers 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I am the product of people like you. I was tormented by people like you. Your apology is absurd and insulting. You cannot be forgiven. I know nothing of you but what I have read, and, if it is true, I hate you and I hate everyone like you.
    Your words are so pathetic and impotent that it's almost cute that you even tried. Your words can't dab the blood off my back for me. Your words can't hide the scars. Don't even try.
    [–]laserlord 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I read that entire wall of a post, every word. I'm happy that you are getting this off your conscience. I hope it makes you feel better. I hope that Drew is OK.
    [–]balexander89Big Gay Pinko 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
    Would the statute of limitations be up? If not, turn yourself in. Honestly, you should rot in hell, but rotting in prison would be a good start.
    [–]NakedPeachMangosteen 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I find this story uplifting. It is amazing how much the human mind and heart can change and redeem itself. I believe a lot of what you did was a product of your environment and upbringing, and I hope that you will be able to sleep comfortably at night again and wake up happy. I also believe this story should be told. It could help prevent others from bullying and hurting others as badly as you have.
    With that said, I was picked on as a kid, excluded, made fun of, and ostracized, I was never physically harmed, and I was never seriously afraid of being physically harmed. So it would make sense that people who were actually abused would have a very different reaction to this story. So I second the opinion I've seen a lot in this thread. It is better not to contact Drew.
    [–]Rugbyhardass 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    • I lived in the midwest in a very red state. Played sports etc but was known for being quiet,shy, until I knew you.
    • I remember being bullied in elementary and middle school. I had someone throw a baseball at my face when I was in elementary school for being considered different. I hate the people that bullied and picked on me. I don't mean that lightly either. I hate them for making me feel like shit but I am in a better place now. Turns out I wasn't gay but actually was always a male but needed to make my outside match my inside.
    • Hindsight is 20/20. You can apologize all you want but your treatment(you and the other guys) has left a mark on his life. Karma has a strange way of coming back around and kicking you in the nuts. One day it will come back to you. I hope and pray that he didn't end up committing suicide later in life. If he did remember his blood will be on your hands.
    [–]Citizen_O 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
    I don't know how old your kid is, OP, but once he's old enough, you need to sit him down and tell him this story. Spare none of the details. Make it into a learning experience for him. It can be a start to your atonement for this awful, criminal behavior.
    Also, no, making sure he could walk isn't a sliver of humanity. It is base self-preservation, it didn't come from any concern for his well-being.
    [–]KingofSuicides 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    As someone who went through a traumatic bashing that wrecked me as a human being and robbed me of a solid decade of my life, I have a few things to say to you that may be different from what others have written to you so far:
    Guilt is useless. I'm sure you're feeling a great deal of guilt over this. I felt guilt for being powerless, for being small, an easy target, for being gay. It took me a long time to realize that the only thing guilt accomplishes is to make you and everyone around you miserable. Remorse is useful. If you feel remorseful, you can then resolve to be better (which you have) and vow to never undertake that kind of action again (which you've already done). This doesn't make any of it okay, but it's better than letting guilt destroy you.
    Although my bullies caused me a lot of physical and psychological pain, what I hope above all else is that they reflected on their actions, feel sick about it, and have changed their lives for the better. I don't wish them to suffer, I don't wish them harm. I won't let hate fester in my heart like it did in theirs. I learned a lot about the world and myself from that experience ... I hope they learned, too.
    Don't Contact Drew. I know how tempting it is, I really do. It seems as though apologizing will ease your conscience and, in a way, it really could - but that's not where your pain is coming from. It's not coming from Drew. In a way, Drew is now inconsequential to this situation. You are tormented by your memories of Drew rather than Drew himself. He can't help you through this just as you can't help him now. Apologizing to someone works for small transgressions - for telling a small lie, for doing something pretty bad to them - but it doesn't work for the big stuff. You just have to accept what happened and work for your grief because, despite the fact that you were the aggressor, you are grieving. For the sake of your wellbeing and that of your son, you need to work through this grief.
    Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes they're awful mistakes that has lingering effects, but that doesn't mean we're inherently bad people. I'm not inherently weak because I couldn't defend myself against six big guys, you're not inherently bad because you were too weak-willed to resist what you did to Drew. We're much more complex than that.
    In my opinion, the best possible thing you can for yourself and others is to cultivate compassion, generosity (not necessarily of money, you can be generous with your time or your willingness to listen), ethical behavior, patience, wisdom (which you've definitely been developing and applying - your post here is a reflection of that). Use your remorse and your pain as motivation to be better.
    You've demonstrated to yourself what kind of harm you're capable of. Now that you know this, know that you're capable of even greater amounts of kindness than that.
    I know you're getting a lot of replies and you may not have the time to reply to my response, and that's okay. You don't need to if you don't have the time or the energy. I just wanted to say that, coming from someone who had an incredibly shitty thing happen to him and who can really empathize with Drew, I sincerely wish you to be happy and free from suffering.
    [–]neurophilosshiny 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    All I have to add is this:
    1.Commit to making a positive difference for the LGBTQ community. A recurring monetary donation to PFLAG or similar would make the world safer for this generation's Drews. Maybe you don't want to work with queer youth right now, but commit to something that makes a difference to someone else as well as helping you heal.
    2.Be the best father you can, which means both protecting and healing when your son is hurting and keeping your eyes open for when your son hurts others. Every child at some point hurts someone else, and the bullies are the ones who grow up thinking it's okay, and escalate. Every child will be an aggressor at some point, unless they are traumatized like Drew and never get the chance. Watch for when your son tries out hurting someone else and lovingly turn him down a different path. To err is human. Just make sure he learns that it's wrong, and that you won't tolerate it.
    Go heal. Don't wait for Drew's forgiveness, which you will never receive. You need to be able to see yourself as human again. Do it for your son. You can still be the father your son deserves if you commit to changing yourself now. You need to accept that you were that person, but choose not to be now.
    [–]lilit_ 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
    This is why we should arm queers
    [–]Ninja_Fox_ 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I was expecting (almost hoping) this would end with drew pulling out a gun.
    [–]szforzando 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
    This makes me feel fucking sick. You feel but a sliver of the emotional pain that comes with the abuse at the hands of a privileged white man. May you be forever haunted by your actions, as we are haunted by you and yours.
    [–]Ronjun 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    I agree. Not sure what this guy is hoping to get from posting anonymously on Reddit other than feel less guilty. If there is any justice in the world I hope his guilt stays with him forever. Some people are not deserving of redemption.
    [–]chaucer345MtF Dragoness 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I don't know how to respond to this.
    I'm a trans woman, and have been targeted before, but...
    You care. Whatever you did before, you've salvaged a scrap of empathy.
    I've done some shitty stuff before. Nothing quite like this, but enough for me to realize your humanity.
    Punishment is only useful if it teaches you something or makes the world a better place in some way. Everything else is just revenge and I've seen far too much of it, even within this community.
    So... Please. Don't lose hope. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad, you should. But... you have empathy, it took you a long time to get it, but you have in now. That is an accomplishment. Don't let anyone ever take that away from you.
    [–]JackAndy 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    You're a violent criminal and you need to pay for your crimes. We all do dumb stuff when we're teenagers, but not like this. Time and a change of heart don't excuse this behavior, you're as guilty now as the day you did it and you know it or else you wouldn't be here trying to get it off your chest.
    [–]doomcomplex -1 points0 points1 point  (7 children)
    "The oppressed and the oppressor alike are robbed of their humanity."
    -Madela
    Try not to blame yourself too much. You are not a piece of shit. You made mistakes, as we all do. Hopefully someday you will be able to forgive yourself. But that's the hardest forgiveness.
    Edit: I'm sorry that some of my LGBT brothers and sisters would rather let their hearts fester in hate, than forgive some who obviously shows true remorse for a wrong action. I pray for all of you who feel the need to hold resentment. At least two lives have been irreparably harmed by these events, don't let your own humanity be taken as well.
    [–]whompalicious 0 points1 point2 points  (6 children)
    At least two lives have been irreparably harmed by these events
    Only one of those lives had a choice in the matter.
    [–]chaucer345MtF Dragoness 5 points6 points7 points  (3 children)
    Perhaps, but how does making him suffer more for it help anyone?
    [–]doomcomplex 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
    You're right, but how much of a choice was it, really, considering: cultural indoctrination, peer pressure, lack of education, and the fact that OP had the partially developed brain of a child (ten years until full development in this case). What OP did was WRONG, but it's also wrong, in my opinion, to hold a repentant, psychologically suffering man accountable for the actions he made as a child twenty years ago. He's literally a different person at this point.
    [–]K3rb3ro5 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    It sounds like you have grown as a person. You are/were by your own admission "a piece of shit" for doing what you have done. But you can still make the world a better place, although don't try to track Drew down. The first step is to own up to what you have done. Tell people your story, (I mean in RL) maybe it will do some good.
    [–]TotesMessenger 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:
    If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)
    [–]SouthernBear 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I’m of mixed feelings about what you should do. While I was never attacked as badly as you and your friends attacked Drew I’ll tell you my story.
    I should preface this with the fact that I have a bisexual aunt (my mothers’ oldest sister) who had a female partner until I was 8, my parents both worked and my aunt and her partner were my babysitters from infancy. By the time I started Kindergarten in 1986, I understood and accepted that some girls had girlfriends, some boys had boyfriends, and some boys had girlfriends.
    I was literally branded “faggot” in first grade by my friend April’s “boyfriend” Joseph, he was in another classroom and I only dealt with him at recess. I didn’t know what faggot meant, but I knew that whatever they were was gross and I wasn’t one. I know that I was kicked in the groin by Joseph at least twice, once by the Merry-go-round, and once under a wooden contraption that we all called the bridge. He’d called me a faggot before kicking me both times and he didn’t get in trouble after either time. My mother finally had to go to the school before anything was said to him. Also as a side effect of his accusations I didn’t have a single friend who was a boy. In fact, the only friend I’d had since the name calling started was a girl named Nichole. (I still see her around and I really like her girlfriend). But
    Nichole failed the 2nd grade. And by the time the 3rd grade came around I discovered a fresh Hell. My new teacher, Miss Lewis had gone through K-12 with my mother’s youngest sister. And after my aunt told me this I told Miss Lewis. BIG MISTAKE, turns out that my aunt had tormented her for being a “fat, ugly dyke” throughout high school. And now she got to take petty revenge. I credit this experience with spawning my love for books, because reading a book was the only thing I could do that she didn’t find fault or suspicion in. I couldn’t receive a 100 on any test without being questioned about cheating and a trip to the restroom almost always ended with “ I heard you playing in the Hall” Joseph was gone, but I maybe made it out to recess 20 times that year. I can recall one incident where Mrs. Hunter, our paraprofessional attempted to take up for me. It was a fruitless labor on her part. Denying anything would result in a referral and ended up in my having to face a tribunal in front of the board of education. Nothing happened at the tribunal, but my parents practically celebrated when that school year was over. I should mention that by this time, my aunt had left her girlfriend and was seeing a man. She married him two years later and I don’t know abandoned who, but with her partner went all of the gay men and lesbians that she’d had as friends, as well as any gay adults in my life who might have offered advice or encouragement.
    Fourth grade came and Joseph was replaced by Bruce, while I didn’t get kicked in the balls, I still got called faggot a lot, both inside the classroom and during our once a week recess period on Friday afternoon. Bruce sat behind me and would whisper threats and use his feet to push my desk out into the aisle when I went to sit down. Once again, nothing ever happened to Bruce, but the one time I tried to fight back at him Mrs. Holland sent me straight to the office, I’d been branded trouble by the stack of referrals Miss Lewis had filed the previous year. So I was sent home for three days. By this point I had no friends that were girls either because they had what they were calling “boyfriends” and their boyfriends didn’t like them being friends with me.
    Middle school came and Bruce was replaced by Josh, who in 6th grade decided that it would be fun to slam the faggots head against the bathroom wall this made him quite popular with the other guys, It was also in 6th grade that I found out what “faggot meant” I can remember standing in the hall when it hit me that they were right, it felt like every light in that hallway had gone dim except the one over me, and that it was exposing me to all of the other kids. It was the beginning of another kind of loneliness, a loneliness that took 15 years to feel relief from. 8th Grade brought the biggest trauma. I was befriended by one of the teachers/coaches who around the hallway point of the year showed himself as a pedophile (I guess a 26 year old man trying to fuck a 13 year old boy qualifies as a pedophile) I don’t want to go into detail, but after the thing that happened with him I still in my mid-thirties can’t have someone randomly touch me without flinching and “going inside myself” I never told oh him. I didn’t tell anybody, because after all, like he said, he was a husband, a father and was prominent one of the major churches in town. And everybody knew I was a faggot, It could all be explained by saying that I had a perverted crush on him and I was trying to get even for his rejection. My emotional state became so unstable that he was afraid that I was going to tell someone. He took a job in his hometown across the state after that year. I still know where he is, and I sent him a letter five years ago forgiving him. I received no response, which of course I didn’t expect. I also know now in my adulthood of at least three other guys he’d done this with.
    The last four years of high school was another hell altogether, I can only point out 14 boys in my graduating class of 77 who never called me names, threatened me, or threw/spit things at me. Though there was a group of eight that were specifically cruel, Josh Included. I was threatened with body harm if I looked at them, so I kept my head down and still feel both scared and ashamed when making eye contact with other people. Its lead to a social awkwardness when having conversation and unless I make myself make eye contact I stare off into space or at random objects when talking to someone that I haven’t built up a trust relationship with. I feel like a predator, like I’m doing something wrong when I look into the eyes of new people. Therapy hasn’t helped this.
    Graduation day was finally the last of the indignities we had rehearsal and class pictures that morning with graduation in the evening. The whole group stood in alphabetical order on the bleachers. I happened to have a guy on either side. Donnie on my left and “T” on my right. Neither would have me standing within four feet of them and were pissed at ME for even being there we were made to “tighten it up” for the picture to be snapped.
    I came out the next summer to few people’s surprise and was accepted by the friends that I’d finally been able to make since starting college. Though the psychological scars still show themselves from time to time. I haven’t seen most of the guys that treated me like some creature that crawled out of a septic tank. There’s one, Chris, who worked with and became friends with my father later. We’re cordial to each other, get along okay. I’ve never received any sort of apology or acknowledgement of what the situation had been, and I’ve reconciled myself to that. My Mother and Josh became acquainted when I was about 20 and I received an apology from him randomly while I was pumping gas one day. After I drove off I cried. It was and is the only acknowledgement that any of them have made in regards to the hell my life was for all those years.
    I ran into Bob, in a store the next county over just before Christmas. I made an attempt at a greeting after he saw me and he turned his head. I encountered him again a few minutes later and he did the same. That night I thought about him and decided to find him on Facebook. He’s very gay friendly now. He’s married and has a small daughter, but has more gay friends than I do. One of which even refers to him as “my straight husband”. I find it funny that people like him can grow and evolve, yet I, will forever be the subhuman creature that I was classified as decades ago.
    So OP, I don’t know what to tell you. Drew’s reaction could go either way. It could bring a certain amount of closure to him, or it could reopen old wounds seeing as you and your friends redefined who he ended up being as a person, likely caused psychological and/or social development issues and after such a traumatizing event, you end up not being that person. How do you apologize? What if he experiences agoraphobia after that incident? I’m not sure that it would be any comfort to him that you’re not the same person who attacked him, but he’s trapped being the person that is the result of that attack? I myself am torn as to how I would feel.
    TL:DR - An apology could go either way. It could cause even more resentment.
    EDIT: Formatting
    [–]iamradnetro 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    weird... before i even read this... i had a dream exactly like your story... but the character in my dream are the people in my highschool. im sort of just a witness in my dream.. like watchin a movie and watch everything happen...
    [–]yourdadsbffgaysha gown 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I'm a hypocrite too, as I've made every effort to raise my boy to respect everyone and never hate. If he knew his true dad...
    This isn't necessarily hypocrisy. In fact, I think having done something so shitty in the past would give you a stronger understanding of the importance of not succumbing to hatred.
    How old is your kid? If he's not younger than a teenager, honestly, I'd consider telling him about what you did. Not with all the gory details--you can be general and only elaborate if you want to and your kid asks--but telling him what happened would reinforce the importance of tolerance (i.e. not being a violent shithead) as well as maybe helping you feel a little less like you're being a hypocritical dad. Surely in that situation your son would see how much you regret what you did.
    Just some food for thought. Thanks for sharing this. You're a good writer, and it seems like you're not a shithead anymore, which is always a plus. That said, in the name of honesty:
    I don't get to erase that from my identity.
    The thing is, you did get to erase that from your identity. By your own admission, decades passed before you even started to feel guilty about what you did. You never had to deal with the legal or social consequences of your gay bashing. You probably won't get to erase the memory of what you did, but you were never forced to let it become part of your identity in any meaningful sense.
    Which is another reason I think talking to your son honestly about your past behavior might help. You'd actually be making it part of your identity by taking real ownership of what you did to Drew. You would be making yourself just a teensy bit vulnerable; there would be something at stake. And there's no reason this has to involve your boss or coworkers, etc., finding out about this.
    [–]jaeldi -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    but I sometimes think there should be a Hell for someone like me.
    This is Hell. This is Heaven. They both exist at the same time in the same place among the same people. I wish churches would teach a very simple lesson as the most important: Are you helping make heaven or hell?
    I wish we didn't live in a society where men are constantly judging other men on what they can and can't do with their penis. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous to have a major religion that basically says "Love everyone....except for those people who can't get sexually excited for the opposite gender, screw those guys." From the outside looking in, it's a crazy religion who secretly has this bodily function test as admission. Those who fail admission "are not human". That wasn't exactly Jesus's plan, was it?
    As a gay person, I'm sick of hearing even from 'supporters', "Well there's nothing wrong with it, but it grosses me out." This is still the number one reason why young gay people choose death. No one wants to live in a society where they feel everyone around you feels you are disgusting or not human because of a bodily function they didn't choose. To this day, I draw away from and exclude most other people because I don't want to feel their disgust. I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to be a part of their hell. I build my own heaven without them. And they'll never be a part of the joy and peace that I create for myself and those I care about.
    Again, why must our society be obsessed with what each other's bodies can or can't do. Especially when the interaction everyone is obsessed with happens in private anyway. Well I'm being rhetorical now. If this has been a real confession, fine. Thanks for sharing. Just teach your son not to hate. Teach your son to make heaven not hell.
    [–]FearlessNodoka27 -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    Strangely enough I have been both bullied and the one to bully. I have never bullied anyone for being LGBT. I, myself, am bisexual. When I hear stuff that is ignorant I speak out and say it's not okay.
    [–]trover2301 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I've been keeping up with this story all day and I just want to say this, few actions in this world are completely unforgivable. Op I'm glad you realize your horrendous actions. I'm glad you have come to terms with your past, I'm glad you are teaching your kids from your mistake. I don't wish pain or suffering on you, you have learned. There are some here who wish you the worst, their experiences mirror too closely to what you have done. But I would like to point something out, your username is Guilty,Gay,Basher. You can't change the past, no matter if it consumes you every day for the rest of your life. It's your responsibility to change your future and this world for the better. You will never find drew. But some how, either through Devine intervention or in the afterlife, the outcome of that day will be seen. Good luck, may your past guide you to a better future.
    [–]RemiMedicSexuality 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I have written and re-written this no less than five times. I will be up front. I hate you. I hate that people like you survived while friends of mine and perfect strangers did not. I hate that you have the breath in your lungs to share your story while many like me will never be able to tell their own with their own voice.
    3 years ago, I received an invite to come to a high school reunion. The only thing I could think of and it ended up being my reply, was how much I hated high school and how much I disliked almost the vast majority of my graduating class. I hated them for the things they did and I hated the rest of them for standing by and never once speaking up.
    I was a "Drew." And I have met many people just like you were. I learned pain and anguish. My childhood was robbed from me by people like you. And I eventually learned strength as I endured physical and emotional violence from people like you.
    My heart was tempered with bloody noses, busted lips, bruised bones, ER visits, crutches, wheelchairs, blood, fire, tears, and metal. And in my hatred of those like you, I tainted my spirit during my enlistment as an infantryman. I used that rate to survive and excel...only to be robbed again, by people like you, through DADT.
    After that, I was graced with the presence of people in my life that have walked parallel paths and they took me under their wing to make me better. They made me less violent, but not less angry.
    Over the years, I have taken various forms of martial arts. I've even been a competitive amateur fighter. I'm a member of a 1% MC in addition to a member of a number of LGBTQ organizations. I even earned a leather title this year.
    But what I couldn't defend back then, I will defend to the death now. There will never be forgiveness from me...and I'm not sorry for that. And you can rest assured that the fear I had in my heart all those years ago? I would gladly repay upon all of those people...And I would repay it upon all like you.
    [–]Sparklebutt69 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I hate your fucking guts.
    [–]Razgriz0120/M/Gay 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    Why is almost everyone claiming that this post is purely self serving? Are you too bitter to see past your notion that only monsters are capable of bad things, or that monsters can never possibly change. People change as they grow up. And people who were previously monsters or did terrible things can indeed feel true remorse and shame.
    [–]tree_or_up -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    From what I think I understand about developmental psychology, the human brain isn't even fully developed until around early to mid 20s. Throw in marijuana, hormones, social pressure, small town religion which can and has been used to justify nearly any form of violent bigotry, and you have a recipe for a very confused kid who can barely think lucidly for himself.
    I think you have to recognize that you were not a complete or fully self-aware person at that point in your life.
    That said, what teenage you did was profoundly, frighteningly wrong and adult you has to make amends. I agree with others who say that you probably shouldn't seek out Drew. But, as some others have suggested, you can volunteer time and money to organizations that help LGBT youth.
    I think teenage you would have easily qualified as a sociopath but it seems the adult you isn't one. Given your remorse I don't think you'd be a danger to anyone you'd be helping.
    All that said, talk to your counselor asap. The crippling guilt and anxiety that's eating away at you isn't helping anyone, and it's certainly not helping you be the best dad you can be.
    [–]Rotifyld 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
    Will be a bit messy, sorry... You made a mistake, we all do. But I think you deserve second chance. Yes, the things you did were bad. No doubts. However as a kind of person who adapts itself to society I just can't blame you. The past I've gone through was not smooth (I'm gay from very conservative family/village) nor sharp. At the time I was bullied, of course I didn't like my oppressors, but after all this time I can't say they're bad and deserve punishment. I only know they're humans over all. This is just a personal opinion, many can disagree, but you should know you were wrong, but you are not. There is no better sign of this than your words you have written. I know - it's easy to say, but so hard to do. But remember, that there's at least one person on this world (me), who consider you as equally good to others. I hope it'll help someday.
    And yeah, reading the comment section was equally disturbing for me as reading the story. Guys, you can't beat evil with evil. Everyone is equal and deserves forgiveness. I always in my life tried to repeat those simple truths. And I strongly believe they're right.
    [–]mjeffm 12 points13 points14 points  (1 child)
    Sorry, but this wasn't a "mistake." This was a vicious premeditated crime involving conspiracy that should have put him in jail for years. People's comments here were reasonable. There were very few, if any, that crossed a line. If reading the comments here was actually equally as disturbing as reading the story, then that's shocking. Can he ever forgive himself for this? Probably not if he's a decent person. Can he do his best to be kind and raise his son properly moving forward? I hope so.
    [–]jerbearstare 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Agree 100x over. I'm happy the guy has changed, but that doesn't, and can't forgive that brutal crime. I just don't understand the hatred. At no point growing up would I so much as call someone a name. And then there's this bullshit that so many of us had to face? Endless torment and, in this case, lynch mob beatings? That's not a mistake. That's being a horrible person, straight up.
    [–]GuiltyGayBasher[S] -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
    Nothing said to me by anyone here is evil. I can't argue with anything that's been said, even the strongest.
    [–]Manakel93 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    OP, I want to thank you for sharing.
    I don't hate you, and I'm sorry people here are giving you so much anger.
    To me all that matters, at this point, is that you have recognized what you did. Maybe you'll be able to 'make up' for it, maybe you won't.
    Teach your son to not make the mistakes you made. At the risk of sounding like a hippy, I wish both of you lives of joy and peace.
    [–]jenaciousStraight, not Narrow 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Alright well I'm not gay so I don't know if what I say matters or if you'll even see this.
    I'm not gonna lie. I stopped reading at "Warning" and picked up again at "I slept just fine that night" Think of me what you wish but I just could not read it.
    That being said, I really think the important part is this.
    as I've made every effort to raise my boy to respect everyone and never hate.
    You're stuck with your life sentence, as is Drew. But the more we educate future generations the less this is going to happen. This, IMO, is the silver lining of this horrendous story and multitudes just like it.
    What you did is fucking atrocious (even without the intimate details). And if I had seen you 3 asshats doing what you did in school, I'd have put a stop to it. Yeah I'm just a girl, but I stopped it more than once in highschool and unfuckingfortunately have had to do so in my adult life.. I do not stand for bullying or abuse. I'm disgusted that so few people from our generation and before would stand up to that shit. Hopefully we're raising children who will, however.
    I hope you and Drew can both have some peace at some point and I do hope your son will be more of a human than you were at his age.
    [–]PMR038 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    You never said what state you live in, so I checked the statute of limitations in Alabama to get an idea. There, at least, there's no limitation on felony assault. That being said, after this period of time, I find it unlikely that any DA would bother trying to prosecute a case like this.
    Here's where I'll probably be downvoted: you going to jail isn't going to change anything. Prison is supposed to be punishment for criminal activity, and you are already punishing yourself. You now know that what you did was very, very wrong. But, forever beating yourself up about it isn't going to change anything either.
    No one on this thread can give you forgiveness, and trying to track down Drew is probably a mistake. If you want an opinion: take your newfound awareness and do something with it. Use your feelings as fuel to do something right, something lasting, for the gay community. Teach your son to be a better man than you were. Volunteer, donate money, do something to make your part of the world even a slightly better place for everyone. And if you see any type of bullying taking place, stand up to it. Don't ever again be a follower in this.
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