- No-go territory: But the Italian in-laws may still find a way through.
- PHOTO: iStock
As a brand-new mother, I spent my days stumbling through the mystifying world of breast pumps, sleepless nights, and diaper-related catastrophes. It’s a rough time for any mom, but it’s especially trying when you’re an expat. Having supportive in-laws, of course, can make early parenthood much more bearable—sometimes.
Some weeks back, I was sitting in a recliner at my husband’s parents’ apartment. My two-week-old son had fallen asleep at the breast, something I would later learn is all too common in newborns. My father-in-law burst in with his characteristic aplomb, stared unabashedly at my semi-exposed breast, and exclaimed with dismay, “But he isn’t sucking!” Later that day, I accidentally walked in on my sister-in-law in the bathroom, and then, during a family dinner, my mother-in-law asked how my stitches were healing.
There are no closed doors in my in-laws’ home, much less locked ones. If you leave a letter lying around you can rest assured someone will pick it up and read it, and you can forget about trying to keep a secret.
It’s not just my in-laws who have a problem minding their own business. This is Italy, where the word privacy is not in the vocabulary. I mean that literally: There’s no Italian word for it. It has, admittedly, been nearly 700 years since the Florentine dialect evolved into modern Italian, but I think it’s telling that in all that time, no word has ever been coined to express what the “Oxford English Dictionary” calls “freedom from interference or intrusion.” When absolutely necessary, Italians use the English version, as they do with other nontranslatable terms such as sport, picnic and jeans. But this adopted word is more often used in regard to Internet policies and data collection. Personal privacy, on the other hand, seems to be a completely foreign concept.
This lack of personal space—physical or otherwise—can come as a shock to the Anglo-Saxon sensibilities of many expats. And it’s not just family members pushing personal boundaries. I’ve had an Italian roommate who didn’t find it at all awkward that she had to walk through my bedroom to get to hers, and she would routinely inquire about my social life (or lack thereof) on her way to bed. If you mention to an Italian co-worker that you’re off to a doctor’s appointment, she’ll probably ask, “What’s wrong?” And don’t be surprised if your hairdresser, butcher or corner grocer points out that you’ve gained weight. For Italians, these seeming faux pas are not considered invasions of privacy—how could they be when privacy doesn’t exist? On the contrary, these irksome intrusions are merely evidence of caring and solicitous interest.
And if you think about it, how could it be otherwise in a country where around one third of all adult children live with their parents? In a culture in which privacy is valued, it would be rare to encounter someone like my sister-in-law, a mature and gainfully employed 30-something who still shares a bedroom with her adolescent sister. When I asked her why she didn’t get her own place, her response was as simple as it was incomprehensible: “What for?”
But after spending so much time with my in-laws lately, I’ve come to appreciate the closeness of an Italian family unit that precludes the need for privacy. Along with this naked intimacy comes a sense of mutual responsibility and stick-togetherness. Perhaps this is because members of a tight-knit Italian family see themselves more as parts of a whole and less as individuals. The rewards of that kind of familial solidarity might just be greater than the seemingly inviolable right to personal privacy.
Maybe someday I’ll learn to be as open and unashamed with my own family. In the meantime, there’s a lock on my bathroom door, and I know how to use it.
American by birth and Italian by marriage, Tiffany Parks lives in Rome and is a travel writer, author, podcaster, and tour guide. She heads the editorial department of “Where Rome” magazine and freelances for multiple travel publications. She blogs about Rome’s art, history, curiosities, and hidden gems at The Pines of Rome, and co-hosts The BitterSweet Life, a conversational podcast about the joys and challenges of the expat experience.
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For the record, there is a word for privacy and is "riservatezza". Believe me, Italians do care about it and generalizing is something that expats shouldn't do in the first place.
>nontranslatable terms such as sport, picnic and jeans
Those are three words that derive from the french language: sport derives from deport that derives from the latin word deportare. Picnic from piquenique. Jeane was the french word for Genova. The sailors from Genova were the first ones to use that fabric. When the boxes full of "jeans" arrived from Genova to London through France people saw the word "Jeane" on the boxes and they started to call that fabric jeans.
Seriously, I cannot confirm this at all. You cannot generalize by what you experience with ONE family.
While I agree that the support and solidarity within the families often is stronger like in other cultures, what I really appreciate, I don't think that italians in general have no sense for privacy.
They are more relaxed about many things, but my family indeed knows how and when to respect another people's sphere of privacy and do not constantly invade each others comforts zone like described here.
This is not a question of culture or nationality, but of character and decency.
Your husbands family sounds very caring though. Maybe it's simply time you draw a line where you need it.
Another positive virtue of most italians is that they aren't as easily offended or hurt like others when you speak some clear words. I'm very confident they will understand.
Take it as a sign that they fully accepted you as a part of their family, and be open about your need for more private space. My husband went through similar feelings like you, cause he was a single child with no further relatives like his own parents. He first was overwhelmed by all the interest for his persona and that everyone wanted to involve him in practically everything. Today, after 18 years he sees many things different. He drew some lines and grew very fond of the fact that in our family no member will ever be left behind, no matter what happens and no matter at what age.
The elderly remain being a cherished part of the family just like every newborn. This is something in many other cultures sadly gets neglected.
There’s No Word in English for ‘faux pas?
Here some words we use for privacy: "intimità", "privatezza", "privato", "riservatezza". For instance see the italian law about privacy rights "diritto alla riservatezza".
Have a nice day.