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SATIRE

Cat Stuck in Tree Dies of Starvation Outside Rand Paul Rally

10/22/2015

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Tragedy struck in Concord, New Hampshire this Tuesday as thousands gathered in support of Libertarian Presidential candidate Rand Paul (R-KY). A six-month old kitten was found stuck in a tree outside the rally, with one of its paws caught in a thick group of branches. Many of Paul’s supporters saw the cat’s situation, but decided that calling the publicly-funded fire department for help would be an endorsement of “big government socialism,” and that “the free market” would probably fix the cat’s situation soon anyway.
Picture
Pictured: Rand Paul warning supporters about the "authoritarian implications" of saving dying kittens
“We can’t just go around giving handouts to those that don’t need it,” said a college student attending the rally while clutching his copy of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. “If that cat was really a hard worker, it could pull itself up by its bootstraps and get out of the tree on its own,” said the student while the kitten audibly moaned in pain, unable to move.
Paul himself commented on the situation, saying “the last thing we need is to waste more of our valuable time giving out free stuff to every cat that gets itself in a bad situation.”

The kitten later starved to death.
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