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submitted by krbin29/M/Milwaukee
So, just got back from the lunch date with the pregnant chick.
Before I got there, I had basically had pre-decided that her and I had no future together as a couple, at least for now, because this is a just a shitstorm of emotion and drama and there's no way this can be a good time to start a hopefully stable long-term relationship. Thanks for all the comments, gave me a lot to think about and even with all the snark you guys were really helpful. I didn't cancel it because it was just lunch, I wanted to shake off my OKC first date rust and I wanted to spare her feelings.
So, I arrive at Panera Bread. Pre-date texts confirmed we were still on. She is five minutes late without warning and I am getting more pissed. I start to imagine the baby's father came back to her and she just blew me off rather than cancel. Finally, she walks in... with a friend. I'm slightly annoyed she's late without a heads up and now there's a tag-a-long. She (my date) definitely is pregnant and even with a coat on you can tell that baby bump and the sight of it makes the hair on my neck stand up. I wish I had canceled the date at this point. They come over to me, we all shake hands. I get introduced to the friend, who then tells us to "have fun" and leaves. Whew.
We stand in line at Panera and wait to order and make small talk about the weather. There's no chemistry. She seems shy and I really don't have any energy to start a convo and now I really wish I had canceled this fucking thing.
We order our food and sit down at a table with our drinks. She leaves her coat on, I wonder if she's embarrassed about her pregnant stomach or what. I ask her what she does for a living. She says "Oh, you know stuff," and then proceeded to not offer any more information. She said it with a smirk so I don't know if she was trying to be flirty but it was pissing me off.
I started talking about my work (engineering). Kind of a dull subject but it loosened us up and the conversation started flowing pretty smooth. It turned to sports, we started talking about baseball (both fans). A reference to drinking beer at baseball games was made and she took the opportunity to segue into her pregnancy, saying "Well obviously I can't get drunk for about four more months," and then like holding her stomach. There's a super tense moment and I don't know what to say.
Our food is ready! I run up and grab it. I come back, she's taking off her coat. She was wearing like this tight grey long sleeve shirt and gotta say (and I always thought pregnant women were a little sexy), she was kind of rocking the look. We sort out the food and start eating and I ask (trying not to sound uncomfortable) "How's the pregnancy thing going?"
She says good and tells me about her last doctor's appointment and she had her first ultrasound done. She reveals she is a nurse and her OB/GYN is in a building attached to the hospital where she works. I say that must be convenient. Finally, I have to know, so I try to ask as casually as possible "So, the father is out of the picture?"
She acted kind of shocked by the question, then said yes. She explained that she was in a long-term relationship and went through her (then) boyfriend's Facebook messages and found he was sending sexy shit to some 'trashy girl.' He left her for 'trashy girl,' and now lives in a town about 30 min away from us. Then she found out she was knocked up. He demanded she get rid of it and she refused. At this point, I wonder if it's rude to discuss abortion in the middle of a crowded Panera Bread on a Saturday at noon. Anyway, her ex said he would never pay child support so she said her plan is to get him to sign away his parental rights, freeing him of child support obligations. She reiterated he was gone forever and would have no involvement in the baby's life. I'm not so sure.
Anyway, this is when the "dad interview" part of the date started and it made me hella uncomfortable. She said "So, you said when you answered your OKCupid questions you want kids?" She basically pressed me to open up about my own family ambitions and I said "Yeah, I want kids someday." I was hella uncomfortable and she said "Yeah, I've always wanted kids which is why I'm keeping the baby. I probably want a few more." She then asked if I had a big family - lots of cousins and nieces and nephews? I'm sure to her she was being smooth but obvious she was trying to feel out my history with kids.
I hella awkwardly segued the conversation into music and then movies and TV shows. We have a lot of the same tastes in stuff. I mentioned the movie "The Ghost Writer" (which is fucking awesome BTW) and told her she should see it and that I have it at home on Blu-Ray. She said "Maybe I'll have to come over and watch it sometime." I was uncomfortable by the implications but said "Yeah, sure." Thinking back, I think I unintentionally made the implication first by telling her she should see it and then mentioning I own it. I'm too nice a guy to let people down easily although it would be more fucking humane.
Some more small talk about local restaurants and crap and finally I said "Well, this was really fun." We wrapped the date up. She gave me a really long 'friendly' hug with lots of body contact. She told me I smelled good and said we should hang out again sometime. I said "Yeah, let's keep in touch." She said sounds good and we said good bye.
Walking out to our cars. We parked about 12 cars apart. Her friend is standing by the car in fucking 50 degree and windy Wisconsin fall weather with a Jamba Juice or something. Her friend drove her or something and proceeded to stand outside for the whole lunch? Who knows. They see me looking at them so we exchange waves before I get the hell outta there.
Got home like an hour ago and started writing this (reddit must know how the date went) and she just texted me reiterating she really had fun and she wants to grab dinner sometime. Despite it being super uncomfortable at certain points, I really like her and think we hit it off but shit. She's pregnant with somebody else's kid - bottom line. I don't know if she would take the father back if he came back. I don't know if I'm ready to be (basically) a stepfather. I don't know how can be in Lemaze classes and the delivery room with a chick I just met. Not to bash adoption or whatever but I don't want to raise somebody else's kid either. Right person, worst possible time. FML. I guess I'll try the slow fade or maybe just be honest with her and tell her what my apprehensions are? I don't know.
top 200 commentsshow all 248
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 82 points83 points84 points  (29 children)
UPDATE
Sent her this:
"Hey <name>. I had a really great time at lunch. I just think we're at different points in our lives and I don't think a relationship would work out between us right now. Best of luck with everything."
[–]TheSpooneh24/M/STL 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
Glad ya handled it well and with respect! Upvoted.
[–]kakaviaincopper 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
Respectable, to the point, and leaves you childfree. Good way of handling it.
[–]kingseeker__frampt 29 points30 points31 points  (12 children)
Ugh, why are men so afraid of commitment? Why don't you just man up and raise somebody else's mistake? Be a man! Its what she's entitled to. Man up.
[–]thelordofcheese 10 points11 points12 points  (2 children)
Yes, commit to a strang er and 18 years of child support.
Feminism is about equality.
[–]playitagainzak_27/M/Boston/doesn't care anymore 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Satire.
[–]thelordofcheese 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Commitment to a bit
[–]The-Ban-Hammer 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
This post should have 9000 points, not 9.
[–]playitagainzak_27/M/Boston/doesn't care anymore 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
I know this is satire, but the sad part is that many people actually do think this way, /u/maladjust-- for one.
[–]cob2112 10 points11 points12 points  (4 children)
It's upsetting that I can't tell if this is satire or not.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 14 points15 points16 points  (3 children)
Why don't you just man up and raise somebody else's mistake?
This sentence should give it away...that's dripping with satire.
[–]The-Ban-Hammer 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
Hey, maybe even sign the birth certificate as the dad and be forced by the state to pay child support. Otherwise, you aren't a "real man." lol
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
I just think it's hilarious how women have been telling men for the last 50 years that "we don't need no man, we're strong and independent!", and then when men take them at their word and stop taking care of them and their kids, we are shamed that we should "be a real man!" and "man up!" and take care of those kids!
Hypocrisy, thy name is feminism.
[–]UniversalFapture 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
There idiots, we just have to deal with it. It's up to us to teach our sons how to avoid all of this drama. What worked for our fathers and grandfathers is obsolete now. We are the new generation and we must rewrite everything. It is what it is
[–]p8sh_it 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
Yes, you should be happy that the hard work is over. All you have to do now is support her through her bad and immature decisions. You go girrrrlll.
[–]Smitty6 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Lol. Feminists.
[–]mein-herz-brennt24/f DC Area 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
I think that's a very polite way of handling it.
[–]techgrl_boss 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
Good text. Well done.
[–]Rogerwilco197440/M/UK, in an OKC LTR 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Good for you for knowing fading would be a dick move.
[–]Route66_LANparty 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Cool. Don't feel bad. You went out with her and the chemistry and situation just didn't click for you. And you had the courage to actually let her know it won't work instead of just leaving her hanging.
To those giving you shit about not wanting to date someone who is pregnant, screw 'em. You gave it a shot. There was no magic. Even not pregnant, seems like you weren't into the gal anyway.
Now you know not to bother trying that again.
[–]JimbosGrows25/M/Searching for that light in your eyes religiously -1 points0 points1 point  (2 children)
Way to man up... Finally =D
Been a fun one to follow mate. GL next time.
[–]blood4lyfe 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I don't like that phrase.
[–]JimbosGrows25/M/Searching for that light in your eyes religiously -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Ok? Don't really see what's the problem with telling a guy to act like a man instead of a child. Leading someone on when you're pretty sure you don't see a future with them is really immature. If you're trying to make this into a male vs. female thing, then that's you being weird.
[–]ThickDickBrett(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ -14 points-13 points-12 points  (5 children)
What was the actual deal breaker for you: potentially having to raise a child, or all the things that come along with dating a pregnant woman? I agree it would be sort of weird to date her while pregnant, but maybe down the line once she has the child and things get a little less crazy it might have been worth it to keep that door open. If you met her when, say, she had a 1 year old child, would this have been a different scenario for you?
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 15 points16 points17 points  (2 children)
I have nothing against dating women with kids. The pregnancy thing made it weird. I don't know if she had wanted me to do fatherly things like being in the delivery room with her or change diapers at 3am or whatever but it would have been weird after just five months of dating (or thereabout). This is stuff couples do after like years of being together and we would have to get there quickly. Maybe she really wasn't looking for a baby daddy but she didn't do anything to assuage my fears. Asking about my family, my little cousins and nephews, asking if I wanted a family one day, I totally felt like I was being "dad vetted." Maybe I should have just looked at it as just a first date and not let my mind race ahead but c'est la vie.
[–]SecularNotLiberal25/F/found my bf on okc 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
Nope, I agree, you were being "dad vetted". Babydaddy is out of the picture and won't pay CS so she's on the market for a step-daddy so when the kid is born, it will have a father figure. Insta-family. The fact that she asked you a bunch of kid-related questions and talked a lot about her pregnancy is really telling.
You were right to run. Let her be someone else's fixer-upper.
[–]The-Ban-Hammer 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Dating a single mom is one thing. Dating a woman freshly impregnated is not the same thing, despite the shaming going on in this thread. And the laws are such that, you'd be fighting to prove the kid isn't yours if she made you the dad, and you'd have to "man up" (per feminists) and pay child support for a kid that isn't yours.
Too much of this is weird. You made the right move by ending it.
[–]p8sh_it 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
OP tell this white knight the truth. Yes, the deal breaker is potentially having to raise someone else's kid. OP owes this person two things; jack and ____.
[–]ThickDickBrett(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
So much hate over an innocent comment. I'm not defending the girls assumed hidden agenda, all I was merely getting at is if OP really liked the girl but didn't want to be the "father figure" pre and post birth, perhaps they wait and could explore a connection down the road. Sheesh.
You can't relationship ANY single mother without being around her damn offspring eventually.
[–]TiggaPleas 40 points41 points42 points  (1 child)
Your only recourse is to put your baby in her and let the best baby win and then marry her.
[–]farpastinfinity 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
The other baby would have 4 months on his baby, it'd run circles on him/her in the womb! We're talking 4 pre-natal months.
[–]y_signal 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
Don't do it OP, please don't continue. Your happiness matters too you know.
[–]iDont_too 13 points14 points15 points  (6 children)
Mate, don't listen to these imbeciles, it's no wonder they're single and on an OkCupid sub. That womans child is not your child, it is also not your responsibility. She's been knocked up and is looking for someone to provide for her, and with that attitude no wonder the father went running. You're 29, get out there and look for someone who isn't just looking for a walking talking pay cheque. Most people telling you to basically become this womans provider are other women without self control and who will inevitably make the same mistake and expect some guy to provide for them. If he doesn't he's immature or an asshole. What a joke.
[–]fretit -1 points0 points1 point  (5 children)
That womans child is not your child, it is also not your responsibility. She's been knocked up and is looking for someone to provide for her
I completely agree that neither the baby nor the mom are his responsibility, should things develop further than a short lunch date. However, we can't simply assume she is merely looking for a provider. Maybe she is just looking for someone to have fun with by going on a few dates or even by setting up a FWB arrangement. We just don't know. But OP made the right choice, simply because based on what he has told us, he is not wired for that.
[–]iDont_too 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
I don't get why a self respecting man would become involved with a pregnant woman.The fact she's pregnant yet single should be a huge flashing red light. The audacity of some of the people in this thread is infuriating, how dare they insinuate that he's immature just because he's not ready to care for some other guys kid. I don't think a pregnant woman' priorities are a FWB arrangement, they need someone to pay for their kid.
[–]fretit -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
I don't think a pregnant woman' priorities are a FWB arrangement, they need someone to pay for their kid.
Pregnant women are people too. They may need someone to pay for their kid, but they also want dates and banging, and given their obvious disadvantage, they don't really have the upper arm, do they? Btwy, if she is an RN and not just a nurse's assistant, she will be OK financially.
I don't disagree with everything else you are saying, but why are we all assuming that all she is looking for is an ATM? Yes, many soon to be single moms do that, but it's not always the case.
[–]ktchong 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
If he is in a relationship or semi-relationship with her during her pregnancy or immediately after her childbirth, she can legally put his name on the child's birth certificate, which will hold up against a court challenge. He will become legally liable for her child support even if the child is not his.
[–]fretit 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
She may on her own put his name on the birth certificate and claim they had a short relationship, with OCK messages as evidence. He will then have to go through the trouble of disestablishing paternity, and if ends up with a crazy judge, he may end up getting stuck with child support, because the state wants to make sure it doesn't pay a dime under the guise of doing what is "right for the child."
It is very far fetched, even if they end up dating for a month or two, but it can happen.
[–]ktchong 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Why even take that chance?
[–]jmg83 13 points14 points15 points  (5 children)
Wow, the brass neck on this bird. Her kid isn't even cooked yet, and she's already out shopping for stepdaddies? I don't know whether to admire her audacity, or to be disgusted by it.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 3 points4 points5 points  (4 children)
What she is doing is patently irresponsible. If she had even a shred of common sense, she would mark the OKC profile to "private" for about the next 2 to three years at least. Raising a newborn/infant/toddler is a full time job, and she's not gonna have much time to devote to any man. It's not fair to her newborn or to the man she's trying to date.
[–]NakedAndBehindYou 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
and she's not gonna have much time to devote to any man
Other way around. She's looking for a man who will devote time to raising her kid.
[–]jmg83 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
In a way it's irresponsible, but it could also be seen as pragmatic. She needs a provider for her child. The thing is, it's not some random guy's responsibility to assume that mantle. Shame on anyone who'd try to shame this guy for not taking on some other man's kid.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
lol I agree completely, but /r/twoxchromosomes and /r/askwomen would like to have a word with you. The amount of cognitive dissonance on this issue on those subs and sometimes on this one is mind boggling.
[–]jmg83 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Mind boggling and amusing. It's crazy the lengths these people will go to rationalise a load of nonsense.
[–]Used-Car-Salesman26/M/RFRAville 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
Anyway, this is when the "dad interview" part of the date started
Ewwwwww...
I know you gotta do what you gotta do when you have a kid to feed, but I'm not looking forward to heading into the "oh, shit, this is a dad interview" phase of my dating life.
Don't slow fade, though. Your concerns are legitimate and you shouldn't be afraid to own up to them.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 16 points17 points18 points  (18 children)
I'm sure I'll be down voted to hell for saying this, but I'm gonna say it anyways.
OP, single mothers are usually bad news. Period. Why? Well, let's look at this rationally for a second shall we? First question is, why is she no longer with the man who, as recently as 4 months ago, impregnated her? Was he an abusive asshole? That's usually what single mothers say when asked why they are no longer with the father of their children. Well, let's see:
  • Let's assume that her ex is an abusive asshole. Well, what that say about her judgement of character? It says that she lets abusive assholes impregnate her, even though she knows they are abusive assholes. It says that she is the sort of woman who attracts (and is attracted to) abusive assholes. You aren't an abusive asshole, are you? You are incompatible with her.
  • Let's assume that her ex is not an abusive asshole. Well, what does this say about her? It says that she is willing to exaggerate, outright lie, and slander the character of her ex, right in front of you, in order to secure your commitment. It says that she is willing to tell you anything to elicit your feelings of sympathy for her. It says she is willing to predicate your potential relationship on a lie, which is manipulation. You wouldn't want a woman like that, right? You are incompatible with her.
Single motherhood is a disaster for children. 75% of our prison population is made up of men from single mother homes. An overwhelming number of single parent homes wallow in poverty. This girl knows this, which is why she is on full red alert trying to lock down a wallet new boyfriend and potential husband.
I know it's hard, because from my own experience, it seems like about 7 out of 10 women on dating sites/apps are single mothers. But despite what the rest of the Shame BrigadeTM is telling you, not wanting to raise another man's child does not make you IMMATURE or a bad person. You have every right to want to raise your own kids, and there's nothing shameful about feeling that way.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, pull out your pitchforks and light the stake.
[–]suprXero 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Agreed 100%
[–]fretit 1 point2 points3 points  (12 children)
Let's assume that her ex is an abusive asshole
I agree with most of what you say, but did you read the entire post? The BF "was sending sexy shit to some 'trashy girl,'" so they broke up. No reason to think there was any abuse going on.
[–]PoopInMyBottom 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
She's actively forgoing child support to completely cut contact with the boyfriend and deny him access to the kid. I think it's fair to assume one of them is an abusive asshole.
[–]fretit 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
The ex doesn't want to have anything to do with the kid. Therefore, it only makes sense for her to try to make sure he never gets to use the kid as leverage, if for whatever reason he decides to get back at her.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 2 points3 points4 points  (8 children)
I would contend that "sending sexy shit to some trashy girl" is emotionally abusive, but potaytoe potahtoe. Either way, she's obviously a terrible judge of character when it comes to whom she gives access to her womb.
The guy who sends sexy shit to trashy sluts gets a child, then a "good guy" like OP gets to pay for that child. Sounds like the exBF is getting a sweet deal here.
[–]fretit 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
I would contend that "sending sexy shit to some trashy girl" is emotionally abusive
You are using "emotionally abusive" way too lightly, and irresponsibly. That is actually a disservice to people who are truly getting abused emotionally.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Hey, using terms lightly and irresponsibly seems to be all the rage with the word "rape" these days for the fem crowd, especially on college campuses, which is actually a disservice to people who are truly getting raped. I'm just joining the trend.
[–]fretit 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I don't disagree.
[–]fretit -1 points0 points1 point  (4 children)
Either way, she's obviously a terrible judge of character when it comes to whom she gives access to her womb.
Btwy, she said they were in a LTR, which we all know never end. By your logic, pretty much everyone on this sub is a "horrible judge of character."
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 5 points6 points7 points  (3 children)
Look. You seem to be trying to be intentionally obtuse. She willfully got pregnant, and quite obviously apparent by the exBF's absence, he did not consent to her becoming pregnant. (Side note, we always talk about "consent" when it comes to rape, but we never talk about a man's "consent" when it comes to whether or not he wants to be a father, but I digress).
Listen: please can all of the "contraception failure" nonsense bullshit. Women have no fewer than 10 forms of contraception available to them:
  • combination pill
  • progestin-only pill
  • extended cycle pill
  • vaginal ring
  • diaphragm
  • IUD
  • female condom
  • Ortho Evra patch
  • Norplant implant
  • Plan B
A woman can take any one of these methods, and in combination with the male condom, chance of unwanted pregnancy drops to practically zero.
So, let's face it, what she really did was try to trap her ex with an "oopsy" baby that wasn't really an "oopsy", and the guy bailed. What this tells me is that she never sat down her ex and discussed having children with him, she just took it upon herself to force fatherhood on him without his consent.
Why do I say all of this? Well, by your own logic, they were in an LTR. That means she knew the ex pretty damn well. And she obviously knew that her ex didn't have the mental fortitude to be a father, and that if they discussed it maturely, he'd probably flat out refuse to be a father, and hell, he might even panic and leave her.
So, yes, she's a horrible judge of character because she tried to force fatherhood on a man that she knew damn well wasn't equipped mentally or emotionally to be a father. And now she's out fishing for another man to pick up the pieces and pay for her bad decisions.
[–]Aspley_Heath 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
Listen: please can all of the "contraception failure" nonsense bullshit. Women have no fewer than 10 forms of contraception available to them:
Aye I was told that this was merely a "contraception failure" and obviously that should lift the blame from her shoulders but as you point out there is a mountain of options to stop that! Even if you had unprotected sex you can just get Plan B the following day or go for the nuclear abortion option. Basically she has chosen to have this child, it wasn't forced upon her.
I cannot muster much sympathy for a single woman in the first world..whom has a range of pregnancy prevention/termination options who gets pregnant
[–]myrsexthrowaway8134/M/Florida/no single moms 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
And don't let any woman use the "Bible" as a reason she won't get an abortion. Yes, abortion is against Christianity, but so is premarital sex. Religious beliefs aren't some sort of "buffet" that you get to pick and choose from.
And even if she doesn't want abortion, there are literally tens of thousands of infertile couples on waiting lists to adopt babies.
[–]fretit -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
She willfully got pregnant
Maybe she did and maybe her side of the story is highly biased. But we don't really know.
[–]freeza15 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Yeah, this is all hearsay from a pregnant single mom. I would take that with half a grain of salt.
[–]playitagainzak_27/M/Boston/doesn't care anymore 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
This guy knows what's up.
[–]myrsexthrowaway8134/M/Florida/no single moms -1 points0 points1 point  (2 children)
Thanks...for some reason I thought I'd get torched for saying this like I would in 2XC or AskWomen...guess OKC reddit is the most sane of all the dating/relationship subs.
[–]IVIaskerade 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
guess OKC reddit is the most sane of all the dating/relationship subs.
/r/Tinder is pretty fun, but it's not a "serious" dating sub by any means.
[–]playitagainzak_27/M/Boston/doesn't care anymore 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
They would probably have the matching mentality he's looking for, though.
[–]noobercakes28m - Your Personal Therapist at $0/hr 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
She's pregnant with somebody else's kid - bottom line
Yeah, exactly. I'd drop it to be honest, too much room for crazy shit to occur.
Thank you for updating us.
[–]IHateTheRedTeamje me souviens 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
For what it's worth, having been the baby, you would have been a father, not a stepfather. Good decision though.
[–]lgaroualpha 11 points12 points13 points  (5 children)
what happened to women being strong and independent without needing to have a male figure around? now all of a sudden OP is being a man and saying that no i don't want to woman that has someone else's kid and everyone is hating against him. why the fuck is he in the wrong for not wanting to take over a lease he doesn't even own. so for all of the bullshit comments saying he's not mature or not ready to be a father, that's not it. he just doesn't want a woman who's basically screening for a bank account. why the fuck else would she be dating while she's pregnant? look at the truth, not the bullshit comments. should you flip the situation for example he has a kid who is four months old because obviously men can't get pregnant, then he would be thrown in the fucking fire. if he were to ask those same questions everybody would be defending the woman saying no no no he's only looking for you to raise his kid and wash dishes and clean clothes so please, shut the fuck up with your double standards. if a man doesn't want to date a woman that presents almost immediate financial requirements and parental figure, he doesn't have to.
[–]Lord_NShYH 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
You're absolutely correct. Disregard white knights, acquire clarity.
[–]The-Ban-Hammer 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
Because women are both independently strong and, simultaneously, victims of patriarchy. So, any topic can easily be thrown on either side of the "wall," based on their argument at the moment.
When actively man hating, it's: "I don't need no man to help me support my baby."
When being slightly more passive (but still active), it's a shaming tactic: "Man up and stop being afraid to date a single mom (even though she clearly just processed recent sperm and growing somebody else's baby). A father isn't the person who conceived the child, but the one who raised them" .... and other bullshit posted in memes all over Facebook.
A woman with a 5 year old or even a 2 year old is not the same as literally processing new sperm to make a human.
[–]lgaroualpha 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
i agree. but still. none of this oh you shouldn't be scared to try to be a father. bitch some people just want to get their dick wet and not care about a kid afterwards. he's not wrong in saying i don't want a relationship with her because of the kid but i still want to fuck her brains out. yet if a woman says i want to sleep around and don't want any commitments suddenly she's queen of the hill and she can do whatever she wants cause she's independent. it's a retarded double standard that women hold because they want the same status as men without the responsibilities.
[–]The-Ban-Hammer 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
Exactly. Equal but without responsibility because "men did it first" or "it's all men's fault" or whatever silliness we have to hear.
[–]lgaroualpha 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
thanks for backing me up.
[–]thelordofcheese 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
ITT: cucks and misandry
[–]Gungnir1 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Some of the comments in this thread notwithstanding, the hard truth of this is that things with her ex are not over. She should not sign away her child support rights because eventually the kid is going to want to see his/her "real" father and/or he's going to have second thoughts. At that point, the promise he made is going to go right out the window and good luck collecting that money, as he sounds like a shit bum. And look at it this way - if he comes back in a couple of years all contrite, will she be swayed? Will she decide that's what's best for the bambino? Crazier stuff's been known to happen.
Basically, you are out of your mind if you continue seeing this girl. As you said, you are rusty and just getting back into the swing of dating. Go on some dates with other, unencumbered girls before you make any decisions about this one. You don't want to confuse your hunger for human contact with actual compatibility.
In closing, the time to be selfish in a relationship is before it starts. Right now, you have to be selfish because once you're in, most men have a natural altruistic provider instinct that kicks in, and you need to be in a good situation once it happens.
[–]Moobx 5 points6 points7 points  (3 children)
IF YOURE PRESENT DURING CHILDBIRTH, DURING PREGNANCY, HAVE A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE OR AFTER BIRTH SHE CAN PUT YOU ON BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND YOU HAVE TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT EVEN IF KID IS NOT YOURS. run run run run right now is NOT the time to date this woman. PROTECT YOURSELF
[–]ktchong 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
You are correct on that point, but you did not have to shout.
[–]Moobx 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
yea i went a bit overboard there i guess. was just shocked no one pointed this out as far as i can see. i could be wrong i didnt go through all the 200+ comments. she was literally interviewing him for the role of a provider and there were still people on here trying to defend her from what my bf read me......the law allows women to literally trap men and they need to be made more aware of things like this.
[–]freeza15 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I'll respectfully disagree with you and say that Moobx's shouting was definitely appropriate for such an important point to know.
[–]AlternActive 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
DUDE, BAIL. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
[–]StreetwalkinCheetahback for more 11 points12 points13 points  (5 children)
see ex does not get to decide not to pay. And even if the mom signs away the kids rights when the kid is 18 the kid can come and collect them.
I feel so bad for this kid. =
[–]ottocorrektNew Yawk Shitty | ottocorrect 4 points5 points6 points  (4 children)
I thought that sounded wrong, plus the fact that she's just going to let him off the hook that easy is strange. I know nurses are generally paid well, but he's also the fucking parent of this kid, too. What a jerk-off, I could never imagine just hitting the eject button like that.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 6 points7 points8 points  (3 children)
You'd be amazed at what single mothers will do to get a shitty father out of the picture.
We never saw the money.
[–]ottocorrektNew Yawk Shitty | ottocorrect 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
That is a fair point. However, if the main reason they broke up was that he's a potentially cheating dick, that ranks pretty low on the reasons I'd expect someone to cut complete contact and responsibility for a child over. That's what happened with my ex's father and he ended up paying child support and/or alimony and was legally obligated to put three of his kids through college. If the father was an abusive, sexually assailing addict, that would be another story. We're likely not hearing the full story from her, understandably.
[–]LifefueledbyfireBachelor Mom 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
If he said he'll never pay child support, chances are he will barely want to see the kid. By having him signing away his rights now, itll be easier for a stepparent to adopt the child and be a proper father figure in that childs life.
[–]StreetwalkinCheetahback for more 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
State will garnish his wages. States receive matching federal funds for every dollar they collect through wage garnishment. So even when the parents pay without issue many states require payment through state collection agencies without making the families jump through hoops.
[–]Tobor_Yllemshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NczLNctogZk 16 points17 points18 points  (2 children)
Just act like you don't have much money and she'll bail asap
[–]sunshineweave19/F/loveable 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
Or invite her over to "watch" that movie. (Poundtown)
[–]Tobor_Yllemshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NczLNctogZk 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Should watch Rosemary's Baby
[–]turible35/M/Toronto 7 points8 points9 points  (4 children)
Thanks for the update!
And yes, I think bringing up abortion would've been a pretty bad idea, but that gave me a good laugh.
Baby daddy is almost certainly not gone forever.
She's in a tough spot, but in deciding to keep the kid, it's of her own doing. But for me, yeah, I could never.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 10 points11 points12 points  (3 children)
I thought maybe I'm a prude or something but talking about "getting rid of the baby" while eating lunch in a crowded public place was a little uncomfortable to me. Maybe it isn't to other people.
[–]turible35/M/Toronto 8 points9 points10 points  (2 children)
"So, is it too late to get an abortion? And is this soup great or what?"
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
Nooooooo, I didn't mean I was going to suggest an abortion. She just mentioned that her ex wanted her "get rid of the baby" and I was like "sheesh, that's kind of an unsavory topic" to be talked about in public but I might be a prude about these things who knows.
[–]NakedAndBehindYou 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Mmm... fresh abortion soup.
[–]wrxninja(ˆڡˆ)∙∙°(sushi) 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Replying so I can reply my in depth thoughts later next week. I've been there. My oldest daughter's father is out of the picture and signed his rights away. In either case take your time. Really a good long time so she's not rushing you or giving fake hope.
[–]Lord_NShYH 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
OP, leave and never look back. It is not your job to be a provider for somebody's child that you didn't sire. I thought strong independent womyn didn't need no man. Apparently, they do when it comes time to trick a man into being a provider for another man's child.
[–]Drenmar 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Dodged a bullet. Don't cuck yourself by raising another man's seed.
[–]smokeycoughlin 12 points13 points14 points  (5 children)
Don't slow fade. You seem to realize it's shitty to lead someone on. That doesn't change somehow when they're incredibly emotionally vulnerable.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (4 children)
Maybe I'll offer to just be a friend but I don't want her to have any hope or anything. I'm really conflicted.
[–]smokeycoughlin 16 points17 points18 points  (1 child)
Sounds like she has friends. If she's looking for a partner, she may not be interested in the consolation prize. I think you're over-valuing how much you mean to her already and what you have to offer her.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Yeah, good point.
[–]Klinky1984 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
No! Don't "friendzone". I would be honest and say something like: "I thought it over and I don't think I am at a point in my life where a relationship between us could work out". End of story.
[–]Lord_NShYH 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
NO. Don't offer something as valuable as your friendship to this loser. Do you want to be a beta orbiter?
[–]-savasana-YOU MATTER...I mean, not to me, but to someone 14 points15 points16 points  (1 child)
tl;dr: OP is not ready for kids and should not fucking date pregnant women/single moms.
Geezus.
[–]Klinky1984 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
It's helpful for people who might be on the fence about the situation. If the person seems cool, perhaps you might say "hmm, maybe it could work out". Really you probably shouldn't be on the fence, but I think it's just as big of a problem to be like "raising another man's child, no problemo, no need for introspection or second thoughts about the responsibility this entails". At the same time a woman should really be emphasizing how the child is her responsibility and she is not looking for a replacement father or in a rush to squelch her biological clock.
[–]Safety_Dancer29/M/Boston 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I guess I'll try the slow fade or maybe just be honest with her and tell her what my apprehensions are? I don't know.
Never slow fade. Be an adult.
[–]ktchong 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
The best reason for not dating single moms that I've seen is a YouTube comment made by a woman (whose YouTube username is ShieldWife):
Men, what if you met a woman who was interested in dating you and she came right out and said that she was going to cheat on you with a hotter guy, a bad boy type. She would have that guy's children and you'd be the sucker paying to raise that guy's kids and to support this unfaithful woman. You certainly wouldn't ever consider dating that woman, right?
Well, that is what a single/divorced mom is telling you. She's already had that fling with the bad boy and now she wants a sucker to support her and that guy's kids. Why would you agree to enter into a relationship that you know is going to be exploitive from the very beginning?
Now, it's theoretically possible that her ex isn't a bad boy. Maybe he was a decent hard working man, a good father and provider. In which case, she stabbed him in the back and tore apart their family, doing immeasurable damage to their children and ruining the poor guy financially and emotionally, likely because she got bored with him.
Either way you cut it, you should stay away from her.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 21 points22 points23 points  (108 children)
Like 80% of the things in this post make me think you should leave this poor woman alone for her and her child's sake.
You are far, far too emotionally immature to date a single mom.
[–]Aspley_Heath 69 points70 points71 points  (16 children)
You are far, far too emotionally immature to date a single mom.
pretty unfair on OP I reckon.
Ultimately, this woman has a) failed to practice safe sex and b) completely failed to vet the father of her child...and now she is scrambling around to find a father for her unborn child.
If anything she's the immature fuck-up in this story.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 -25 points-24 points-23 points  (15 children)
She's an immature fuck up for contraception failing. OK.
Have you been sexually active? If so, the difference between you and her is simple bad luck. It also kinda horrifies me that you assume she's just desperately running around looking for a man to take her baby daddy's place, rather than looking for companionship like we all are. But right, damaged goods. My mistake.
Also, I'm not speaking to her situation. I'm talking to OP and his. And since apparently a cadre of people have woken up who need this spelled out: there's nothing wrong with not having reached the point of being ready for a child, or in not wanting to raise someone else's. But it is wholly irresponsible to see someone in that situation when you're neither ready nor willing.
[–]MagicGainbow 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
It also kinda horrifies me that you assume she's just desperately running around looking for a man to take her baby daddy's place, rather than looking for companionship like we all are.
Did you read OP's post? The ''dad interview'' part and the fact she was pretty much throwing herself at him says otherwise.
Plus if I were in his shoes i'd be wondering at some point, does she really find me attractive or does she find my stability attractive?, reddit has a million stories of deadbedrooms caused by settling for the wrong reasons.
[–]Aspley_Heath 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
does she really find me attractive or does she find my stability attractive?
I think that's the pertinent question any suitor should ask themselves in this situation.
Is this woman really interested in me or are they just motivated to lock down another adult who can spend their time + money in helping me as I raise this child?
...and as we've seen the "step dad vetting process" from the OP hints at the fact she is after the latter....
[–]playitagainzak_27/M/Boston/doesn't care anymore 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
He's probably one of those people that thinks deadbedrooms are situations someone should suck up and deal with and anyone who wants to resolve that is a whiny misogynist who only cares about sex. Or something.
[–]Gungnir1 17 points18 points19 points  (9 children)
She's an immature fuck up for contraception failing. OK.
No, what makes her immature is dating while she's 5 months pregnant. That is not the time to try and start a relationship. It's unfair to the man AND her child. Unfortunately for her, she should be on the shelf relationship wise for at least the next 3 or 4 years.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 comment score below threshold-16 points-15 points-14 points  (8 children)
Being a single pregnant woman is tough and isolating. She's probably just lonely.
And when is going to be a good time to date, anyway? When every waking moment is taken up by a screaming toddler? When she's carting them around to daycare or school and back? When the kid is going to band or sports practice every other night and she has to make recitals or games? When they're 16 and finally going out with their friends a lot? A seventeen year sentence to loneliness is pretty harsh.
There's never a "good" time to date once kids are in the mix. They complicate everything until they move out.
[–]p8sh_it 14 points15 points16 points  (1 child)
Her problem, not anyone's elses. She chose it, she gets it. What happened to the "women can do and be whatever they want to be" and the "She doesn't need any man" stuff. OK, then do it and quit looking for excuses.
[–]thelordofcheese 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
We all know that Feminism only uses those lines to invalidly refute criticisms of females within an egalitarian meritocracy.
[–]riggorousgasp, I'm the sexy single! 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
I don't mean to judge this girl, so I'm sorry if this comes off this way. I agree that blame isn't the right reaction to somebody getting pregnant in less than ideal circumstances. However, it seems to me like she may be treating this a little too light-heartedly. We only know his side of the story, but the way she was shady about her work and life situation, the awkward friend, the inviting herself over to his house, all point to a lack of maturity. And her staunch admission that the father is totally 100% out of the picture just rubbed me the wrong way. When you have a baby with someone, they are never truly out of the picture, especially if you're the one who keeps the baby, and three times that if they live the next fucking town over. Does she have a plan for financial contingency? For the possibility that the baby may need an organ transplant or blood transfusion? For the inevitable question, "why don't I have a daddy"? What if they're shopping at Wal-Mart and her ex walks by? What if her ex changes his mind?
It's absolutely true that there is never a right time to date when children are in the mix, but her case is more, this isn't the right time to be having children. Being a single mother is hard in any case, but she hasn't even given any thought to that!
[–]Frostatine 9 points10 points11 points  (3 children)
Yes, the best solution to her problems is to get someone else involved so they can deal with them.
[–]fyreNL 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Well, truth be told, she wasn't lying to OP - she already told him she was pregnant before they even dated. If a man's interested in being with her and all the baggage that comes along with it, what's the big deal? If OP wants to call it quits, he's free to do so.
On the other hand, if OP decides to walk away, there's nothing immature about that. Stepping in a relationship with a woman that's pregnant from another man calls for a lot of commitment.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 comment score below threshold-16 points-15 points-14 points  (1 child)
I disagree with you, and there's nothing to do about that, but why exactly are we making this about her anyway? She wasn't the one making a post asking for input.
[–]Frostatine 14 points15 points16 points  (0 children)
Because encouraging him to be with a single mother as an act of charity is a fucked up reason to be in a relationship. It should be clearly understood that he doesn't owe her anything because of her situation and has no reason to feel guilty for leaving her in the bed she made.
[–]Gungnir1 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Being a single pregnant woman is tough and isolating. She's probably just lonely.
Or looking for a new daddy. Probably that, as she figures the real daddy isn't coming back.
And anyway, when did I say she had to wait 17 years? I said she should wait until she can leave the kid with her parents or a babysitter for dates. Most mothers I've known don't feel comfortable leaving their infant children alone or with others. Once the kid's 2 or 3 it gets easier, hence my answer.
[–]riggorousgasp, I'm the sexy single! 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
But it is wholly irresponsible to see someone in that situation when you're neither ready nor willing.
But I thought he declined the second date?
[–]ManwhoreB 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
She is damaged goods though. She's basically as low-value as it's possible to get right now, other than being a drug addict or something
[–]myrsexthrowaway8134/M/Florida/no single moms 12 points13 points14 points  (2 children)
So not wanting to raise another man's child is "emotionally immature"? I fail to see the implicit connection between maturity and dating single mothers. I consider myself a completely mature, self-sufficient, financially stable 34 year old man with a good career, and I wouldn't touch a single mother and her drama with a 10-foot pole. Does that make me "immature"?
[–]Lord_NShYH 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
No, it makes you self-sufficient and personally responsible. Keep that up, and you'll have a long and rewarding life.
[–]freeza15 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
If that makes you immature, then fucking sign me up for immaturity for life. Goddamn, if anything it sounds like you're winning.
[–]UniversalFapture 43 points44 points45 points  (12 children)
Oh Shut The Fuck Up!
Why you jumping down this mans throat because he doesn't want to raise another mans kid? He just met this woman! He isn't ready to be a father yet and Damn sure not to a woman he barely knows.
Your an idiot
[–]kingseeker__frampt 25 points26 points27 points  (4 children)
Oh, but haven't you heard? Men are so afraid of commitment these days! When is he going to man up! You know, man up! Become a real man! Because unless he offers the rest of his life and effort to raising some other woman's mistake, a woman he barely even knows, he's not a man! A real man would just man up and hand over his wallet to her based on this one date. Anybody who does anything else is a manchild and emotionally immature! Why are men so afraid of commitment? ........./s
[–]UniversalFapture 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
I know right . I wouldn't do it. I refuse . I'm glad he declined her. I guess he can a friend. But anything more is a no no
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 12 points13 points14 points  (1 child)
Glad to see there are other voices of sanity and reason here. I just love how the Shame BrigadeTM loves to implicitly link "maturity" with "raising another man's kid".
As if letting an abusive deadbeat asshole impregnate her was a "mature" decision in the first place. It's fucking amazing to me how our society venerates single mothers as "heroic" and they can do no wrong, ever, ever.
[–]kingseeker__frampt 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Shaming men into doing the heavy lifting is unfortunately how many women (and many men for that matter) get by life without effort.
[–]fyreNL -3 points-2 points-1 points  (1 child)
You're*
[–]UniversalFapture 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Whatever grammar nazi
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 -14 points-13 points-12 points  (2 children)
Your an idiot
Hey a redpiller. Hopefully you get this snafu sorted on the regular before you start applying to schools. Best of luck!
[–]UniversalFapture 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
What are you talking about ? He isn't ready to be a dad just yet. Some men might do it. He just isn't that guy.
She'll find somebody. Someone for everyone right?
Or so they say
[–]UniversalFapture 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
You and These other people are so fucking indoctrinated. It's not his fucking job to help. What happened to women being strong and not needing men? They're basically begging him to be her provider. Fuck them to the deepest depths of hell.
Oh right!
Women are strong and independent until things like hard work and the ability to demonstrate any level of accountability for their own actions come in to play.
[–]thelordofcheese 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
Or he doesn't want to spend 18 years of his life sweating over and payingbfir some skank's poor life decisions.
No, let's demonize men for not prostrating themselves at the altar of the pussy pedestal.
And this is why feminism is not about equality.
[–]knuck_knuck 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
Nothing in this guy's post indicates that he is emotionally immature. So he's hesitant to entangle himself in a relationship that would eventually require him to raise another man's kid? That's not immature. That's judicious.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
And I just love it when these single mothers say "little Johnny's real dad is no longer in the picture in any way whatsoever."
I've dated 3 single mothers in my life (never will again, will die celibate before I do it again) and you wanna know something? Little Johnny's daddy is always "in the picture" in some shape, manner, or form. Whether it's phone calls, weekend visitation hand-offs, holiday family functions, etc, the daddy is always in the picture and they always bring drama because they (understandably) don't want some strange asshole taking his place as the father.
[–]Aspley_Heath 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
its almost like the concepts of life long marriage, the nuclear family and monogamy were good things to build a society around...
enjoy the decline lads
[–]Klinky1984 32 points33 points34 points  (0 children)
Yes, trash someone for being honest about their emotions in this situation. That's the mature thing to do.
Sometimes you really don't know how you'll responded to certain situations until you experience them. Live and learn.
[–]FEMIMARXIST 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
Why don't you raise the kid then.
[–]SwissPies 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
even if he is, what self respecting well established man would be interested in dating a single mother and rasing another mans child?
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Are you kidding me? Dammit, all men should be interested in "manning up" and dating a single mother and raising another man's child, you selfish monster! What about the children?!?! Think of the children!!! Poor Johnny is gonna grow up without a daddy and it's all the fault of selfish pricks like you who aren't willing to be a real man and open that wallet to buy Johnny a basketball glove and a football bat and finance a trip for him and mommy to Whoop-De-Do-World in Orlando!
.../s
[–]Phokus1983 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
LMAO, yeah, because single mom's are emotionally mature.
[–]p8sh_it 10 points11 points12 points  (2 children)
Probably one of the stupidest posts I've ever read. OP has no, like in no, responsibility to this woman or her child. This is complete and utter nonsense. This has nothing to do with emotionally immaturity or immaturity, it is him doing the right thing for him. And her owning her own crap.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 -9 points-8 points-7 points  (1 child)
You guys are really enjoying arguing with points I'm not making.
[–]myrsexthrowaway8134/M/Florida/no single moms 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Um, they (and I) are arguing the point that you called OP "emotionally immature" because he has trepidations about dating a single mother and potentially raising another man's kid. If that isn't what you really said, than you have problems with your communication skills, because there seems to be a whole slew of people who took you that way.
[–]playitagainzak_27/M/Boston/doesn't care anymore 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
You seem insufferable based on that observation alone. I'm surprised you're getting honored (upvoted) so much, must be a lot of single moms here.
Enjoy the mangina validation. You should be ashamed for even implying that OP owes that girl a relationship... I've got news for you buddy, he doesn't owe her shit. This may come as a shock to you, but women aren't the only ones allowed to 'not owe' something, especially sex or relationships.
Come on, I'd expect better from a regular. I know it's you, but this kind of disappoints me.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 26 points27 points28 points  (0 children)
Nah, it's just not what I want to sign up for is all and the whole thing made me uncomfortable from the start.
[–]UniversalFapture 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
You and These other people are so fucking indoctrinated. It's not his fucking job to help. What happened to women being strong and not needing men? They're basically begging him to be her provider. Fuck them to the deepest depths of hell.
Oh right!
Women are strong and independent until things like hard work and the ability to demonstrate any level of accountability for their own actions come in to play.
[–]Lord_NShYH 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Hey, stupid. You can't white knight your way into pussy.
[–]AlternActive 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Would you go to jail or pay someone else's ticket? No? Then shut up.
I sure as hell am not gonna pick someone else's tab if i didn't fuck up in the least. I don't even have herpes for fucks sake. Yes folks, it's possible to be healthy if you hand around the right places.
[–]techgrl_boss -4 points-3 points-2 points  (31 children)
Right? He went on ONE lunch date and had a panic attack about becoming a stepfather.
[–]kingseeker__frampt 19 points20 points21 points  (0 children)
A guy doesn't want to raise somebody else's kid and that makes him "emotionally immature"? Get real lady. 90% of guys wouldn't be okay with that. Good luck.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 28 points29 points30 points  (29 children)
More like. She was five minutes late and he was getting pissed. Good luck dealing with a child. And all kinds of other tells all over the post.
He ain't equipped for this shit yet.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 22 points23 points24 points  (10 children)
Maybe pissed isn't the right word but tensions were high because of the pregnant thing already, thinking about it all night, and then she's not there on time, it's like ehhhhhh.
You're right, I'm not ready. I don't understand why I'm being criticized for 'assuming' I'd be a stepfather. Both of our profiles indicate we are looking for long-term relationships and from what she said the father won't be involved in the kid's life. Maybe I wouldn't be in the delivery room or changing the diapers the first night home but I would be "mom's boyfriend" in this situation if we were in a long-term relationship. I think it's exactly what I should be asking myself, if I'm ready to be romantically involved with a little kid.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 36 points37 points38 points  (1 child)
if I'm ready to be romantically involved with a little kid.
that is not what I meant to type
[–]Spurnout30 / m / Los Angeles 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
Sorry but that's hilarious.
[–]randarrow 13 points14 points15 points  (5 children)
She shouldn't be dating. She's fresh out of a serious relationship, last four months and they have a kid on the way. My friends typically recommend waiting a year. Which is a sign she is really immature, or desperate, or co-dependant.
She only needs to be focusing on building a future for her kid. And if that means finding a man, it means you would have to take over he life with little reward and that she is incapable of taking care of herself and her kid.
Also, if you are a father figure to the kid, in some states that means you are liable for child support. For their entire childhood.
If you wouldn't have a kid with her, it's perfectly acceptable to not want some else's kid with her. Who can make that decision after only a few minutes? Most people take years. She's short circuiting your ability to make a real decision with the impending pregnancy. So, quickly deciding no is OK.
Let me give you a scenario where this all doesn't apply. Let's say she's a long term neighbor or a childhood friend and baby daddy died. You know her well, so it's appropriate to consider becoming a step dad with a woman you are not in a relationship with. Some chick on the internet? Bail.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 7 points8 points9 points  (3 children)
Also, if you are a father figure to the kid, in some states that means you are liable for child support. For their entire childhood.
It's amazing how many people don't know this cutesy little family law fact, and I thought I was going to be fucked by it myself. See, the last single mom I dated moved from her old state to the state I live in; apparently, (according to her), this is the case in Pennsylvania; we were together for 4 years, her and the kids lived in my house full time.
Well, come the breakup, as she's packing and leaving, she says something to the effect of hearing from her lawyer about working out a monthly CS amount. I thought she was high and I started laughing. Well, thank god my state isn't one of those states.
[–]randarrow 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
At a glance, looks like California, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and Michigan.
[–]myrsexthrowaway8134/M/Florida/no single moms 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
And these states don't see how a law like this is rife for abuse? A single mother could jump from man to man every 3 or 4 years racking up a collection of "father figures" for her children, and in a decade or so be collecting 3 separate monthly CS checks from 3 different men for the same child.
And we wonder why marriage rates are plummeting because men are refusing to marry by the truckload.
[–]randarrow 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Those states are pretty screwed up in general, California and Michigan are the poster children for municipal bankruptcy and brain drain. These laws are probably the least of their worries, more of a symptom of the whole punish the good thing.
Frankly, if someone decides to take care of a step child as their own for several years, the only thing they should be receive is a strongly worded thank you.
[–]p8sh_it 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
No but she somehow became the victim. But that is typical isn't it.
[–]TheSpooneh24/M/STL 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
Every date I've ever been on in the past year the girl has been at least 5 minutes late. It's sort of how things go.
[–]OppenheimersGuilt 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
That's why I arrive 10 minutes late to my dates. I'm also very bad with punctuality outside of work.
On the other hand, it hasn't been negative. It seems to set the tone for the date that: "I'm taking time out of my schedule to see you".
[–]thelordofcheese 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
More like she started things with a lie by hiding something so important... which is that she's irresponsible and is is simply looking for someone to financially support her for the rest if her life.
[–]lostinla_okc38/M/LA / Cat Guy 7 points8 points9 points  (2 children)
Yeah, i was gonna comment on the five minutes late anger thing too. Five minutes isn't late to a degree where you should even notice. (certainly here in LA!)
[–]Interversity 8 points9 points10 points  (1 child)
Some people have different expectations for timeliness. Nothing wrong with that.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Yep. I was in the military, and in the military, if you aren't 15 minutes early, you're late.
[–]Ebil_shenanigans22/M/Charleston 5 points6 points7 points  (8 children)
Uh, yeah. When you agree on a time, you agree on a time. There's nothing stopping you from arriving early. If you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, you act like an adult and show up. 15 minutes early is on time. Show them that you respect them by not thinking your time is more important than theirs.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 3 points4 points5 points  (6 children)
You still assume people are largely in control of their lives.
Things happen. Busses are late, traffic gets bad, the friend who agreed to come with you so you feel safe was dragging their feet, blah blah blah. Wait until you throw a toddler in there. Kids care zero much about your schedule.
If your emotional reaction to rolling with such an incredibly minor punch as a five minute late arrival is to get kinda pissed, you need to spend more time in the world with its people.
[–]Ebil_shenanigans22/M/Charleston 5 points6 points7 points  (5 children)
Proper planning prevents piss poor performance.
Pretty much, always have a plan. If your plan went bad, then it was a bad plan. Take some responsibility and take charge of your own life.
And in my line of work, punctuality is one of the most important things. Your little underhanded insult wasn't unnoticed. If someone agrees to a time, they should arrive at the time. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with being early. In fact, you should try to be early so that in case anything does go wrong, you have buffer time to still show up at the previously agreed upon time.
You still assume people are largely in control of their lives.
You're god damn right they are. People are masters of their own fate. Take charge of your life.
[–]Maladjust--くコ:彡 -5 points-4 points-3 points  (0 children)
ok
[–]heyfgtLying is only fun when you're the only one doing it. comment score below threshold-8 points-7 points-6 points  (3 children)
Sounds like you want to take charge of their life.
[–]Ebil_shenanigans22/M/Charleston 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
No, I'm just looking for people to have accountability and ownership.
Edit: Love how I'm being downvoted for saying people should have personal accountability.
[–]heyfgtLying is only fun when you're the only one doing it. -5 points-4 points-3 points  (1 child)
Based on your own made up rules. You ain't God. Just because you value punctuality doesn't mean everyone else does.
[–]Zveng224/M/Spartanburg 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Eh, maybe it's an area thing. Most people where I'm from value punctuality. Hell you know the quote from Drumline "If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late."? Yeah that's how most people I know are. I personally always try to be early, but can also understand that shit happens.
[–]mistersplice... -4 points-3 points-2 points  (0 children)
Like we've all got so much extra time in our lives that we can be early for everything?
aintnobodygottimeforthat.gif
[–]techgrl_boss -4 points-3 points-2 points  (4 children)
Excellent observation #2.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] comment score below threshold-7 points-6 points-5 points  (3 children)
So you're mad at me for thinking I would be a stepfather and u/Maladjust says I'm too immature to be a stepfather? See the conflicting points of view?
[–]techgrl_boss 5 points6 points7 points  (2 children)
I'm criticizing you. That doesn't mean I'm mad at you.
[–]HOLIDAY_headcase 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
No, it means you are sitting on your high horse with half a story in your hand making insane judgements.
Criticizing would be giving helpful advice not being a prick.
[–]p8sh_it 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
No judging is the word. And you seem to have an issue with logic.
[–]fretit 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
far too emotionally immature to date a single mom
Technically, she is not a mom yet.
[–]thelordofcheese 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Life begins at conception
[–]thefisherman196127/M comment score below threshold-9 points-8 points-7 points  (21 children)
Seriously, I don't get why people shit on the idea of being a step-father so hard. Society needs men like that to provide emotional and financial support for the absent father's genetic stock, otherwise we'd have a lot more children being raised solely by struggling single moms. That's bad for the economy because then taxpayers get hit with the bill, and the children obviously don't fair as well in the long run.
I much prefer it when these men voluntarily provide for a single mother and her children, instead of me being forced at gunpoint by the government to be the provider. The more men like that there are, the less money I am required to contribute. I am not that sort of man of course, but those men need to be commended for what they choose do: for the woman, the absent father, his genetic stock, and the greater good.
[–]Phokus1983 15 points16 points17 points  (12 children)
Maybe these idiot women should think twice before jumping on some irresponsible man's dick?
[–]thelordofcheese 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
No, that's internalized misogyny. Personal responsibilities of females are a product of The Patriarchy.
[–]thefisherman196127/M comment score below threshold-6 points-5 points-4 points  (10 children)
That's not going to happen, no matter how badly you wish it to.
[–]Phokus1983 5 points6 points7 points  (5 children)
And yet, you think some poor sap should clean up the mess, yeah ok, you first.
[–]thelordofcheese 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
No I don't. I think some poor sap will choose to clean up the mess.
that comment has been deleted
[–]PeesOnChildren 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
Why shouldn't men and women be held to the same levels of responsibility then? If you don't have a stable relationship then don't have a kid. Some poor shmuck who is desperate for love shouldn't have to become a walking ATM for a woman who couldn't manage her personal life properly.
[–]thefisherman196127/M 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I agree, but nobody is forcing him to be that walking ATM. On the other hand, I am forced to be a walking ATM if she's on welfare.
[–]jmg83 4 points5 points6 points  (7 children)
If a man decides to take responsibility for some other guy's kid, then great. I don't think he has any moral obligation to, though.
[–]thefisherman196127/M -2 points-1 points0 points  (6 children)
Just like how I don't have any moral obligation to take responsibility for some other guy's kid, and yet I am forced to by the welfare state.
[–]jmg83 3 points4 points5 points  (5 children)
I don't have any kids, yet, my taxes go towards schools for other people's kids. That's just the way it goes.
[–]thefisherman196127/M -2 points-1 points0 points  (4 children)
What's your point?
[–]jmg83 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
I presume you're talking about your taxes going towards subsidising the unemployed.
[–]thefisherman196127/M 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
Not just the unemployed. Anyone.
[–]jmg83 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
That's exactly my point. That's how the welfare state goes.
[–]thefisherman196127/M 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
And it's bullshit. The welfare state only exists as a solution to the government fucking up the economy over and over again.
[–]Ass_McCool 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
bang her for a few months and then disappear before she gives birth. dont hang around for single moms it's always drama and their baby comes first before you
[–]newspaper_nerd 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Even that seems risky, she could put OP's name on the birth certificate. I wouldn't even befriend single pregnant women, you never know.
[–]lostinla_okc38/M/LA / Cat Guy 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
Our food is ready! I run up and grab it. I come back, she's taking off her coat
All the Paneras here now bring your food to your table after giving you a number on the little standup card. Are they still on the buzzer system there?
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
One of those little pager things that lights up here.
[–]jelly_raindrops28F/UK 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
I'm not criticising you when I say this, but I do wonder why you even went on the date in the first place given you already had some reservations (as you explained in your previous post) PLUS you say here that you "pre-decided" you wouldn't date her before you even met up. Why did you not just cancel, apologise, wish her the best and move on? Since, yknow, that's what you're gonna do anyway? Just seems like a bit of a waste of everyone's time. But hey. Whatever man.
For the record, I can completely understand your reservations - I think I'd stay the fuck away too. But more than that, I think you're sensible to consider the implications of the future - while some may argue you're getting ahead of yourself, the inevitability is that she won't be pregnant forever and there WILL be a kid to contend with. So if that's not cool, then you need to work through that.
Good luck! Maybe don't attempt to date preggo ladies in future? :)
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
It was my first "first date" in over a year, so I wanted to kind of wanted to break that in again. Maybe that's a dick move, I dunno. Also liked her profile, she was attractive and we both were looking for the same thing and had the same interests. She's just pregnant. So I figured what the hell, give it a shot and see how it goes. At the very worst, I'm out the $17 for lunch and I had a nice pregnant lady for a lunch companion. I'm sure she would have felt led on and that is shitty.
[–]a_bear_on_a_computer 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Am I the only person who thinks it's super weird for someone to be dating while pregnant?
Having a kid is a big fucking deal. The first year demands everything and you can't really do anything socially for the first 4 years anyway.
It seems really irresponsible for this woman to be out dating while in her current position. She should be optimizing her personal security and loving arrangements for the little one. Dating can come later when she doesn't have such a massive, obvious priority.
Why is noone identifying this? Or are you all ok with the idea of a mum leaving a newborn to go out dating? Because I would not be ok with that.
And yes, I'm a single dad myself.
OP - you are totally fine. She has serious issues if she is prioritizing dating over her child.
[–]Logos1000 comment score below threshold-7 points-6 points-5 points  (3 children)
I think you're getting ahead of yourself in a mind-numbing way by imagining yourself as a stepfather after a single lunch. She's fully aware that she's in an awkward spot, but you're making it much weirder. If there's a connection, set a date #2 and go for it. If you can't bear another couple of hours with a pregnant lady, move on. I think that she's trying to date, just like you are, not expecting you to slide in as dad replacement after Panera.
[–]myrsexthrowaway81 5 points6 points7 points  (2 children)
If she's already giving him the "dad interview" on the second date, it's quite damn obvious what she's after. He has every right to "get ahead of himself." I mean, she doesn't even know this guy's favorite color or favorite baseball team yet, and she's giving him the "dad interview"? This tells me she doesn't really give two shits about getting to know him, and is only interested in what he can provide for her and kid-to-be in 5 months.
[–]getmeoffokc comment score below threshold-7 points-6 points-5 points  (2 children)
I understand you're overwhelmed about the thought of taking on responsibility but it's your anger that alarms me. You say "She is five minutes late without warning and I am getting more pissed. I start to imagine the baby's father came back to her and she just blew me off rather than cancelled". Why are you getting "more" pissed? What has she done to get you pissed at all? Also, she's 5 minutes late and had already pre-texted. Did you want her to text and drive? Your first thoughts are that she's back with the ex? Egads. Do everyone, including yourself the favour and text her back saying you weren't feeling it and good luck.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 9 points10 points11 points  (1 child)
It wasn't really anger, just like annoyance.
This is going to sound like I'm making excuses or looking for pity (I'm not) but my last relationship was with a woman who had borderline personality disorder and she would fuck with me and try to manipulate my feelings by doing shit like this (being late to stuff and then not answering texts, and getting mad when I was mad/concerned/whatever) so I guess I'm still looking for hidden meanings when a (potential) SO isn't where they're supposed to be when they are.
[–]Klinky1984 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I grew up with a mom who has BPD. It makes it hard to just "go with the flow" when you've been getting mixed messages your whole life.
Best of luck in getting out there and finding the right woman who will treat you with respect.
[–]dadudemon31/ M / Midwest comment score below threshold-16 points-15 points-14 points  (1 child)
Maybe you were in a bad mood but your post makes you seem like a massive dick and a giant douche.
I think it is just your mood because you're scared shitless of a potential future. You want love, you eventually want a family. And she's into you. But she's pregnant and you'd have to be an instant dad in 4 months.
Is that why you are coming off so insensitive in your post?
Regardless, you have to be all in, from the beginning, to make something like this work. A step-kid may already have a tough childhood. They do not need a fickle father figure in their life. If you're not ready to be a step dad, right this very moment, don't date her and move on.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Yeah. Exactly. I'm a nice and caring guy (I swear!) and not the shitty little boy I sound like. And I do want a wife and family and I do find her attractive and awesome. So, I guess in essence it is kind of everything I want but I barely know her, it's somebody else's kid, and the stuff we would go through in the next 4-12 months is stuff that couples should go through after being together for YEARS and we obviously wouldn't be. I was really conflicted by the whole thing because a part of me wanted to jump in and commit to this (if it worked out) and the other part was like "run away, stupid." Also I have some baggage from my past relationship that isn't helping either. Mentally it wasn't just a fun first blind date where you try to get to know the other person, there was a lot of future implications I was thinking about and it was aggravating.
[–]ktchong -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Next time, immediately tell a girl NO when she tells you she has a kid or is pregnant with another man's baby. Do not waste your and her time. And do not get into long explanations on why you do not date single mothers and how single mothers suck. You do not owe any woman an explanation on why you would not date her. However, stay classy: thank her for her honesty and telling you she has a kid/baby, and immediately and courteously reject her on the spot.
Frankly, you were also partially at fault for the dating her and putting yourself in the situation: you already knew she was four-month pregnant beforehand, yet you still agreed to go out with her. In your OP you said you just wanted to use her as a "test" because you had not dated in a long time. That was actually very inconsiderate towards another human being. Learn the lesson, and do not do it again.
[–]squidracer -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
I dated a pregnant chick once.. Don't make the same mistake
[–]techgrl_boss comment score below threshold-13 points-12 points-11 points  (10 children)
Right person(?)
You just met her. You spent one lunch date together.
You're thinking way too far ahead in terms of the "raising somebody else's kid" and "stepfather" concerns. Scheduling a second date doesn't mean you're on the hook to be a daddy. Jesus Fucking Christ.
What's more realistic is what's going to be happening to this woman's body over the next few months and the issues she's going to be dealing with as an expectant parent. She's been abandoned by the father of her child. That guy can rot in hell. She's probably looking for a man in her life who she can trust and rely on, because her world is about to get a shitton harder. Being someone she can rely on emotionally, intimately, doesn't sound like something you're interested in or even capable of at this time. That's okay.
Don't fade on a pregnant woman. Dick move. Text her back, tell her you had a nice time but you don't think you'd make a good match. (DO NOT GO INTO AN EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY.) Wish her the best. The End.
[–]fretit 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
She's been abandoned by the father of her child
Did you read the post? They broke up, she found out she was pregnant and chose to have the kid, all in that order. She was not abandoned.
[–]krbin29/M/Milwaukee[S] 12 points13 points14 points  (8 children)
Calm yourself.
First - I don't mean she's "THE ONE." I meant I like her and think she's attractive and under circumstances I could see us in a relationship.
Second - How can I not think about the parental obligations? She's pregnant and looking for a long-term relationship. Obviously I'd be involved in the child's life to some degree if we were going to have a relationship. Her soft grilling about the little kids in my family made that clear. Plus, I was told yesterday by people on this sub that even if I'm not biologically the father or sign the birth certificate, she could calm I was the de facto father in court or something and try to get child support payments out of me. Maybe that was bullshit, but there are LEGAL and MORAL questions here.
Being someone she can rely on emotionally, intimately, doesn't sound like something you're interested in or even capable of at this time.
You don't know shit about me or what I'm capable of. I wrote one post after a very confusing and emotionally uncomfortable first date with a nice person in a crap situation. I'm sorry you don't think I handled it perfect but I gave a very raw unfiltered version of my thoughts.
Don't fade on a pregnant woman. Dick move. Text her back, tell her you had a nice time but you don't think you'd make a good match. (DO NOT GO INTO AN EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY.) Wish her the best. The End.
That's good fucking advice.
[–]fretit -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
I am a little amused by al the accusation of "leading her on," especially by those who routinely juggle multiple dates/partners. Just because she is pregnant doesn't mean she is looking for a fill-in-daddy. Maybe, just maybe, she doesn't mind going out to have some fun, and why not, bang the right person whose company she enjoys, without it all being a manhunt for fill-in-daddy.
However, I don't think OP is of that mindset. He is clearly the kind who thinks of the future far ahead even before considering a casual first date with someone, just for fun. Given his personality, I think he made the right decision to break things off for his own sake.
[–]individualfrog36/M/Oakland -11 points-10 points-9 points  (5 children)
You never know what threads will bring the misogyny out of the woodwork. Illuminating.
[–]thelordofcheese 14 points15 points16 points  (4 children)
Yes, expecting females to be responsible for their own lives is misogyny.
[–]individualfrog36/M/Oakland comment score below threshold-9 points-8 points-7 points  (3 children)
females
[–]blood4lyfe 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Yes, expecting women to be responsible for their own lives is misogyny.
[–]thelordofcheese 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
HOW DARE I GENDER ZXSCHLEM
[–]iBeNiko 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
femalesBitches
ftfy.
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