Yes He Did Coffee Enemas Too

‘Sovereign Citizen’ Porn Producer Decides He’s A Doctor, Nevada Disagrees

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Let's say it together: He seems nice.

Let’s say it together: He seems nice.

Yet another sad development for freedom, as the fascist authorities of Nevada have arrested a self-trained “doctor” who claims to have “performed dozens of abortions, circumcisions, castrations, root canals, even cancer treatments.”

Rick Van Thiel doesn’t have a license or any medical training; his only professional experience is as a “porn star, male escort and sex toy inventor.” But if people were willing to see him for “natural” and “holistic” “treatments,” should the state really be judging him according to its own alleged “standards” and “qualifications”? Next Big Government will insist that people not be allowed to let their babies die while they pray for Jebus to make them all better.

Besides, Mr. Van Thiel’s website — a veritable catalogue of crazy pseudo-medical bullshit — includes this disclaimer:

For the purposes of this website the term “doctor” or “Doctor Rick” is a nick name and not intended to infer state sanction or Rockefeller drug pushing training.

Nevada has charged “Doctor Rick” with “practicing medicine without a license; possession of a firearm by a felon; possession of illegal drugs and illegally providing illegal drugs.” He could also face federal charges. Van Thiel came to the attention of authorities after complaints about his unlicensed medical practice; information against him also appears to have come from a couple of Sovereign Citizens arrested in 2013 for plotting to kidnap police officers, “try” them for treason, and execute them.

Really, if any harm befell “Doctor” Rick’s patients, it’s not his fault, as he provides clear instructions, like “You must be willing to eat what we tell you to eat and do anything and everything else we say.” And how could anyone claim that Van Thiel was a quack when he helpfully includes this cautionary tale?

I was working with a gal that was in her mid 70s with throat cancer from smoking all her life. She was getting healthier and doing pretty well after only spending a couple weeks with her. I gave her at least 6 more good years. Then some family members talked her into quitting with me and going with the chemo/radiation. After only one month of their treatment, they gave her one month to live.

Sponsored Intermission

And then? That nice lady DIED, because she broke the chain!

Also, since federal money is no good, Van Thiel only accepted payment — er, “donations” — in the form of “BIT Coin, Gold, Silver, Arms, Skilled Labor, medical supplies or other commodities that we find value in.” Or, if you don’t have any gold, he says, “You may pay me with FRNs and I can covert it to gold for you.” So don’t be waving your phony federal dollars at him, OK?

Not surprisingly, Van Thiel has a lengthy criminal record, including a couple stints in prison for battery, assault, burglary — the usual. After one prostitution arrest in 2012, he attempted to sue the Las Vegas police officer who arrested him, claiming that as a sovereign “natural born People of the united States of America,” he was free to do prostitution because only he owned his body. He eventually dropped the suit.

His website has other fun Sovereign Derp on it; in a section headed “Sovereign Babies,” he offers to help you birth a babby that will be Truly Free, unvaccinated, and completely Off The Grid, not even required to go to the Government Schools or be enslaved with a Social Security number.

But for patients who really don’t want to give birth to another government slave, Van Thiel was willing to perform abortions, as he explained on a different website, but only before 49 days of gestation, since that’s when “the pineal gland develops” and the fetus is then a person; up to that point, “there is no one there, the fetus is only biologic material.” We don’t know that the “pro life” crowd will be very convinced by that.

But now all his government-free revels are ended, because the goon squad has caught up to him, even though he is a Free American who is above their supposed “laws.” Here’s a surprise: SPLC’s Hatewatch reports that Van Thiel plans to represent himself in court. That should be fun. Set up your Google alerts now!

[Hatewatch / ABC News / Las Vegas Review-Journal]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • memzilla

    “Hello, Everybody!” “HI, DOCTOR RICK!”

    • Belasaurius

      at least Dr. Nick went to a medical school. The Hollywood Upstairs Medical Night School

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Beat me to it. He actually kind of looks like him.

  • Belasaurius

    “We can also provide you with Affidavit of New Life after your baby is born instead a birth certificate. When your child is 18 years old he/she can make the decision to live as a free being or to become a slave.”—fucking awesome!

    • BadKitty904

      …and explore finding a top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.

  • jviscont1

    have you ever met a sovereign citizen who didn’t represent themselves in court? it is what they do – badly.

    • Belasaurius

      and yet it is still so goddamn entertaining to the rest of us

      • jviscont1

        I’m getting my Orville Rockefeller popcorn ready.

    • Ryan Denniston

      It’s cause they have no Federal Reserve Notes to pay a lawyer.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Yeah, you don’t see too many lawyers at intersections with signs saying, “will work for Bitcoin”.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Here it says “Bitburger.”

      • jviscont1

        So a lifetime membership in Dr. Rick’s coffee enema of the month club won’t do?

      • Amy!

        How’d he manage a website, if he’s not paying for it in Evil Federal Reserve Notes? He could prolly get hardware and programming for low-to-no cost, or barter, but bandwidth generally requires payment.

        • malsperanza

          And then there’s the question of how he pays for beer. I’m guessing the local Sal’s Drive-Thru Liquor n’ Smokes doesn’t take gold tooth fillings.

  • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

    I guess there’s no standards any more. Just anyone can say their a “porn star.”

    • coozledad

      I just wonder where one gets these Rockefeller drugs.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Psst, buddy, you got any Rockefeller drugs?
        Nah man, but I have some Koch shit.

      • malsperanza

        Wall Street.

    • memzilla

      This guy couldn’t be a star if he had five sharp points and actually twinkled.

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        This comment made me lose my coffee enema I laughed so hard.

    • Brewerofbeers

      Look, if Kim Davis can do it…

    • Vegan and Tiara

      He looks more like an enthusiast to me.

  • proudgrampa

    What gets me is that people actually went to this guy. Jesus.

    • BadKitty904

      Somewhere, P. T. Barnum is laughing…

    • eddi

      It is impossible to find a bottom when seeking the depths of human stupidity.

  • Belasaurius

    check out the section on Morgellons: http://www.itsonlynatural.me/morgellons.html Nude pics ahead.

    • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

      Apparently Morgellons makes (make?) it uncomfortable to wear clothes, but not uncomfortable for your nude pix to be on the internet.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      Holy shit! I had no idea that clouds were chemtrails! I’ve always assumed it was the white vapor left by high-flying jets, but boy, was I underestimating the power of our fascist government to seed our brains with drugs that will make us all sheeple. Man, that stuff is everywhere! In fact, Michigan is blanketed with chemtrails right now.

      The fact that this brilliant man has found a cure for chemtrails AND vaccines is very exciting. I’ll be sending off a big chunk of gold to him.

    • Biff52

      Joni Mitchell claims to suffer from Morgellons, among other things.

  • Ryan Denniston

    ““You may pay me with FRNs and I can covert it to gold for you.” So don’t be waving your phony federal dollars at him, OK?”

    Will you accept chickens? Sue Lowden said you would.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      After all, it is Nevada.

      “Sorry Doc, that enema only cost half a hen and alls I gots is this whole chicken.”
      “That’s OK, I’ll give you an egg salad sandwich for change.

  • Belasaurius

    i checked out his cancer page: the bad news is that everything causes cancer.
    Including:Drugs of all kinds, except marijuana
    Artificial fragrances including air fresheners, deodorant, toilet paper, perfume, and scented laundry soap.
    Fluorided toothpaste and water.
    Doctors; they kill 783,936 people per year.
    Sugar. A little honey is fine for most people though
    Energy Vampires

    • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

      One website indicates there are 784,633 doctors in the active practice of medicine treating patients, so that’s a pretty good kill ratio.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon
  • JohnR

    Hey crazy people, take a break.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I guess he used the Rand Paul model of self-certification. This is the face of medicine in the new Libertarian paradise.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Doctor Rick” is a nick name and not intended to infer state sanction or Rockefeller drug pushing training.”

    I’m not entirely sure what that last part means, but if you wanted to convey the impression that Doctor Rick is a nickname, might I suggest using a ‘k’ would make the point more overt.

    • Amy!

      Zook LIBEL!!

      (Rick already has a ‘k’!)

  • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

    I hope he washes his hands after he does root canals and before he does no-no place procedures.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I think all his root canals are vagina dentata-related.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Washing your hands is for sissies.

    • Jon Sussex

      Never go hemorrhoidectomy to root canal.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Self-certified? What, does he think he’s a Kentucky ophthalmologist?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Rick Van Thiel doesn’t have a license or any medical training; his only professional experience is as a “porn star, male escort and sex toy inventor.”

    I don’t think “Doctor” is the only title he’s lying about.

    • MrBlobfish

      I’m guessing his sex toys weren’t very pleasurable.

      • The Wanderer

        The Braided Rusty Barbed Wire Dragonfire Dildo wasn’t a big seller.

  • BigBoppa

    Wait. He performed circumcisions and castrations AND he had illegal firearms. I’m thinking that these procedures were quick but not necessarily painless.

  • NerdWithNoName

    Is his work available on PornHub?

  • Antimassacree

    ‘Sovereign Babies’ seems an appropriate label for the petulant adults aligned with this movement.

    • BadKitty904

      Sweet name for a band, too.

    • geoffalnutt

      “Paging David Vitter…”

  • MrBlobfish

    Castration?!? Who the hell goes to the doctor and sez I need a castration?

    • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

      The same kind of person probably who would go to a self-styled “doctor” for anything.

    • Jaime Oria

      Some of the Heaven’s Gate UFO cultists had themselves voluntarily castrated down Mexico way.

      • MrBlobfish

        Well, I guess that’s one way of preserving your precious fluids.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Any chance of this spreading to the mainstream GOP?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Sort of like the lib version of self-deportation.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Self-deportation of your un-conceived offspring.

        • mardam422

          I thing it actually spread FROM the GOP. The GOP is patient zero.

    • BadKitty904

      From what I see in the news everyday, not nearly enough people.

    • Bill Slider

      Bruce Jenner libel.

  • BadKitty904

    If this psychotic charlatan is a “self-trained doctor”, how is he not a U.S. Senator from Kentucky?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Not fugly enough?

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        Apparently, he’s done porn. People are judgy about that kind of thing.

        • BadKitty904

          Psht. Based on X-Tube alone, any pudgy, pasty bozo with a camera can do porn. Or so a friend tells me…

        • AntiDerpomeme

          IOKIYAR, or at least Scott Brown.

          • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

            If my porn choices are this guy or young Scott Brown, I’m going with young Scott Brown.

    • geoffalnutt

      Real hair.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Yes He Did Coffee Enemas Too

    I didn’t see this line until the very end. Needless to say, I snorted coffee all out of my whatever.

    • DahBoner

      I’m guessing he got fired from his job at Starbucks…

  • shastakoala

    According to his website one of the doctor’s qualifications for treatment is that you must be breathing. I think he’s missing out on the all important “raising the dead” money maker.

    • Msgr_Moment

      “Deadbeats” don’t pay so good.

  • geoffalnutt

    If you time it just right you can do a root canal and a circumcision at the same time.

    • MrBlobfish

      Get two root canals and he’ll throw in the circumcision for free.

      • The Wanderer

        Just remember to give him a tip.

    • stevola

      How deep does that root go? Seriously though, circumcisions, castrations, and root canals. You know those mornings when you’re all groggy and can’t remember what you’re supposed to do next?

  • Jaime Oria

    “Now, full disclosure: most of my experience is putting babies IN women” – Dr. Leo Spaceman

    • The Wanderer

      He was doing community service by working with unwed mothers, just helping them get their start.

  • Angry_Cop

    “porn star, male escort and sex toy inventor.”

    I’ll believe only one of those for a thousand, Alex.

  • BadKitty904

    Well played, Nevada!” ~ Florida

  • Brewerofbeers

    As awful as everything about his fake medicine is, nothing scares me more than this: “porn star, male escort and sex toy inventor.” People paid to sleep with him, y’all! I am also terrified as to what “sex toys” he invented. I am guessing he got his inspiration from Seven.

    • Randy Riddle

      Sovereign citizen fetish?

    • stevola

      People apparently also paid to watch him have sex.

  • Belasaurius

    This appears at the bottom of every single one of his pages.
    “Dotster.com has charged us about $74 for items that we did not purchase, do not want, have no use for and get no value from.”

    Did they pay for these unwanted items in gold or trade or Federal reserve notes? And what are these items? It would be reckless not to speculate.

    • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

      “Don’t Treat On Me” anal beads. I’m just guessing.

      • BadKitty904

        I would’ve guessed the inflatable Ayn Rand sex doll…

        • stevola

          Picture this guy and Ayn doin’ it…

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Well, that IS worth 74 bucks!

      • The Wanderer

        The snake on the Gadsden Flag was actually an anal toy. True story; that Ben Franklin was a stone-cold freak.

  • Magic Juan

    That vague grin and look in his eyes in that picture says it all.

  • lucidamente

    Could he score me some laetril?

    • Belasaurius

      or some essiac tea

  • Brewerofbeers

    Careful, They will be coming for you next, Dok.

    • mardam422

      Really. There isn’t even a disclaimer on this website saying he’s not a real doctor or anything.

      • Brewerofbeers

        I think this story really hits home for Dok Zoom.

        • mardam422

          First they came for the former porn star doctors, and I said nothing. Then they came for the snarky doctors, and there weren’t any porn stars left to speak for me…or something.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I have a hunch that even by the loosest standards of the Academy of Pornographic Arts and Farts this guy does not qualify as a “star,” but I really have no desire to research the subject further.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    Don’t know which I’d enjoy least, having this guy operate on me or fuck me.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      BOT, K.

    • eddi

      The operation would only kill you.

    • bookish

      Lizard lips. I’ll take the root canal.

  • The Wanderer

    The Stupid comes in so many flavors here in America. Truly a land of wonders.

    • eddi

      One wonders how we lasted this long.

  • Me not sure

    If “Theodoric, Barber of York’ had tried that sovereign citizen bullshit the king would have taken his head off. NEEDZ MOAR LEECHES!!!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
    Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin.

    • Me not sure

      Dead Lobster?

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      …Dr. Nick, that evil prick, with all that Thorazine…

  • Creepoman

    Seems to know what he’s talking about regarding pineal glands, at least according to FALILV:

    “Extract of pineal.” He stared at me. “Sure,” he said. “That’s a good idea. One whiff of that shit would turn you into something out of a goddamn medical encyclopedia! Man, your head would swell up like a watermelon, you’d probably gain about a hundred pounds in two hours…claws, bleeding warts, then you’d notice about six huge hairy tits swelling up on your back…” He
    shook his head emphatically. “Man, I’ll try just about anything; but I’d never in hell touch a pineal gland.”

    • Biff52

      And HST was a doctor, too!

  • HolidayinCambodia

    Is he going to learn the difference between “infer” and “imply?”

    Fucking put him in prison for violating the English language.

  • DahBoner

    I gave her at least 6 more good years.

    Hey!

    That’s more than Dr. Ben Carson can give America.

    https://media4.giphy.com/media/82UCveCZQUypa/200w_d.gif

  • Bill Slider

    As a sovereign natural born people of the United States of America, I say fucking A man. This dude is awesome, for Saturday morning adult cartoons, or for meth addicts. For anyone, or anything else, not so much, as this guy appears to be much like so many occupants of the GOP Presidential clown car. He’s not quite ready for prime time.

  • Skwerl King

    Rockefeller drug pushing training.
    I had a girlfriend who got addicted to Rockefellers (also know as “Rockys”)

    • drbloor

      Mr. Cosby is interested in your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    FYI, Umlaut Guy is back…he’s on the LePage thread calling himself The Duck. Nice. I kinda missed the li’l feller…

    • Biff52

      Why a duck?

      • Amy!

        Because you can’t get down off an elephant?

      • stevola

        It rhymes.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Plant a flag in him; he’s done.

  • Objectifer

    He trained under Dr Benway.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    This guy was able to get people to pay to sleep with him? He’s no doctor, he’s a wizard.

    • eddi

      Three bag job. One over his head, one over the other person’s head, and then an extra one over his in case the first one fails. Jute sacks are prefered. But in this case plastic bags might look good.

    • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

      Gonna start using his pic on my Grindr. Maybe I can change my luck.

  • Randy Riddle

    Dr. Ben Carson, meet your administration’s Surgeon General.

  • Little Lulu

    Ok, I found the video at the SPLC link my Wonkette so helpfully provided and watched the interview with this, um, human; but seeing him perform surgery on someone was just too much. Please take my advice: once he’s taken off his shirt, stop the video immediately.

  • onedollarjuana

    I don’t see the problem here. It’s worked for “Board-Certified” Rand Paul.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      This guy should have just made up his own board like Rand Paul did.

  • chicken thief

    With his resume he should have Oily Taint defend him. She’s as good at lawyering as he is at doctoring.

    • OldMayfly

      Second that, chicken thief! And if “Doctor Rick” should develop a tooth-ache during the trial, he’s covered for dental treatment as well.

      • beatbort

        I’m a Lionel Hutz man myself. That guy has gotten me out of some jams.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Kim Davis’s shysters might be available.

  • Me not sure

    When I think of male escort THAT is not the image that comes readilly to mind.

    • PsycWench

      Nor should it.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    For the purposes of this website the term “doctor” or “Doctor Rick” is a nick name and not intended to infer state sanction or Rockefeller drug pushing training.

    Similarly, when I refer to my self as “The Pope,” that is just a nick name [sic] and not intended to infer Vatican sanction or hasenpfeffer cromulent wingomaster yorn desh born, der blobber ritt de gitt der gue, bork! bork! bork! radar range chitterlins garbo.

    • Biff52

      I quit self-promoting at “bishop”. Hard enough to keep that polished.

    • tinywriting

      I love a man who uses big words.

  • Steverino247

    Not intended to be a medical statement.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Root canal? ROOT CANAL? Jesus, I’d rather go to the guy in Marathon Man.

    • Biff52

      I already have a Dremel and some clove oil, I should hang a shingle too!

  • malsperanza

    Give him 20 years in the pokey for not understanding the difference between infer and imply.

    But maybe keep him in solitary, or he’ll start doctoring the other inmates.

  • User_0

    Why, yes, there certainly is an essential oil for that.

  • tinywriting

    You had me at ‘sex toy inventor’.

  • Spotts1701

    You mean The Medic is real? RUN! RUN FOR IT!!

  • tinywriting

    Will he be at the kiddie table at the next Rep debate?

  • William_C_Diaz

    Why doesnt that one Nevada Assemblywoman ‘Big Boobs’ McBakingsoda-Enema, the famous cancer specilist, speak up for her fellow practitioner. For that matter, the Presidential candidate Rand ‘Eyedoctor because I say so’ Paul should be sympathetic to his brand of self reliant medical training and certification. I think we should all band together and make sure that the right wingers of Nevada are able to get the quality of health care that they deserve!

    Have a great day!

  • georgiaburning

    Joe the Plumber is extremely jealous. Especially about the male escort stuff.

  • Enfant Terrible

    “Van Thiel was willing to perform abortions, as he explained on a different website, but only before 49 days of gestation,”

    This guy truly does not know what he is talking about. Many women don’t even know they’re pregnant until after 7 weeks.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      This guy truly does not know what he is talking about.

      But he’s a notadoctor and he has the nickname.

  • http://earcandleproductions.blogspot.com J Neo Marvin

    Why is the Southern Poverty Law Center taking an interest in this guy?

    • Brendan_M

      His ties to “Sovereign Citizen” terrorists.

  • Mavenmaven

    Honestly, compared to some of the other things that happened in Vegas medicine, this guy isn’t close to the worst. Look up Dr. Desai, MD, who didn’t feel like cleaning his endoscope between colonoscopies and infected patients with Hepatitis.

  • marxalot

    Wait, hangon.
    “practicing medicine without a license; possession of a firearm by a
    felon; possession of illegal drugs and illegally providing illegal
    drugs.”
    This implies that there is a way to legally provide illegal drugs. I feel there should be more investigation into this aspect. For a friend.

  • AnOuthouse

    I have a lot of empty bottles worth a nickel a piece if he wants to blow me.

  • Bitter Scribe

    He was arrested for prostitution? You mean this guy seriously thought someone was going to pay to have sex with him?

    That website of his is comedy gold:

    While you are waiting to die you have it made. The wife is bringing you breakfast in bed, you watch whatever you want on TV….Look at all those benefits you stand to lose if you go into spontaneous remission (not suppose to say cure). Sorry, can’t help you. But there is a small percentage of you that would rather live…

    Yeah, all you pampered pussies, clear out of those hospices. Dying is all a big scam.

    If this guy represents himself in court, it won’t just be “fun.” It will be the greatest comedy act the state of Nevada has ever known.

  • Skipper Doyle

    I think he’s hot. Does that make me bad?

  • SadDemInTex

    This story really brings out the best in the Wonketeers!

  • TheBidenator

    He’s only slightly crazier than Peter Thiel….is there something with that last name?

  • TheBidenator

    This, this right here my friends is why we have licenses and medical school….

  • Leema Raven

    ‘Sex toy inventor’ ? Who even knew that was a thing? Is there an address, where do you send a resume?

    For a friend, ofc.