From the moment that the connection was made, the hacker known as "WhyteHaute" was struck by one thought above all others: This was taking entirely too long.

It was probably the fault of some old, neglected server in the back corner of an office in which the letters "IT" were only used to reference a Tim Curry film. That would certainly account for both the incredible lag time and the massive influx of garbage data. Oh, there were some recognizable bytes in there, but only a handful of them made sense.

Suddenly, there was a blip, followed by a single line.

1X:11:10:09:08:07:06:05:04:03:02:01

Taken at face value, it was little more than a broken and nonsensical string of hexidecimal code. Another glance, however, revealed a strange pattern. It almost looked like a string of numbers, albeit one written in Base-12.

A clatter of keys became audible.

\\net.send 12

As with before, there was a blip.

4545:0000

This was going nowhere. At best, these phantom lines were the result of some broken authentication program. At worst, they were the ramblings of some bored systems administrator with a penchant for inane puzzles.

Type Belong Other Altered Inquiry

Definitely a bored administrator. Well, that was fine.

\\net.send I'm not in the mood for word games. I'm just poking around.    
\\net.send Shut me out if you can.

Another of those damnably long pauses passed before the response arrived.

Quantity Additional Necessary Pertinent Type You

That one almost made sense. Perhaps it wasn't an administrator after all, but rather a non-English speaker in some third-world country.

\\net.send This is WhyteHaute. I'm not doing anything destructive.    
\\net.send I was just curious.    
\\net.send Where are you located? What language do you speak?

The pauses were infuriating... but they seemed to be growing shorter.

Request More You Language

That was clear enough.

\\net.send I speak English. I'm from the United States of America.    
\\net.send Where are you from?

Yes, the pauses were definitely getting shorter... and the responses were starting to make more sense.

English Language New Exclamation    
Data Derive Computer You    
United States of America Location Inquiry

WhyteHaute snorted quietly. Was this really the one person on the planet who didn't know where America was located?

\\net.send The North American continent? Between the Pacific and Atlantic oceans?

This time, the response came almost immediately.

Pacific Atlantic Oceans Unknown    
English Language Unknown    
English Language Derived Delay Apology    
Computer You Slow    
Connection Distance Inquiry

Oh, it was on.

\\net.send Listen, buddy, there's no way it's MY computer.    
\\net.send This is a top-of-the-line rig.    
\\net.send Also, the delay is getting shorter, for some reason.    
\\net.send Now, look, if you don't want to say where you're from, fine.    
\\net.send I've probably wasted enough time poking around here, anyway.    
\\net.send Talk about your junk data.

The next response took quite a while to arrive... but when it did, WhyteHaute felt a chill unlike anything in recent memory.

Sufficient Language For Understand Now    
Your Data Derived From Your Computer    
Opinion Your Location Different Planet    
Communicate Via Unirnet    
You Human Inquiry

What sort of a response was appropriate here?

\\net.send Yes. Are you saying you're an alien?

Negative. You Are Alien.

\\net.send I guess we're both aliens to each other. What's "Unirnet?"

Similar Your Internet. Many Planet. You Earth Inquiry.

\\net.send Yes, I'm from a planet called Earth.

Most Planets Called Earth.

\\net.send Huh. I guess that makes sense. Where are you from?    

Earth. LOL. Expression Correct Inquiry.

\\net.send Hah, yeah, "LOL" means "laugh out loud" here.

Your Culture Not Interstellar Travel Inquiry.

\\net.send No, we don't. Also, you can use the symbol "?" for "inquiry."

Like This?

\\net.send Yes!

Low Temperature.

\\net.send "Cool."

Aware. Joke.

\\net.send Oh. Hah. Sorry. You picked up English pretty fast!

I Possess A Translating Program. Do You Not?

\\net.send We have people here who would pay an insane amount for that.

Cool.

\\net.send So, uh, yeah. Where is your planet located?

The dreaded pause returned. Seconds stretched into minutes... but at last, a reply came through.

My Progenitor Has Informed Me That I Should Not Reveal Such Things To Aliens.    
I Am Sorry.    

\\net.send That's okay. Are you... a child?

No.

Not a child, then. That was good to know.

Please Transmit Images Of Your Species' Mating Practices.

Oh.

Great.

A teenager.

First contact wasn't as glamorous as WhyteHaute imagined.