(cache) Translating Tumblr: The Curious Case of "Lifters"

Translating Tumblr: The Curious Case of “Lifters”

October 13, 2015 Cate Leave a comment

Once upon a time, there was a young man named David Karp who had a dream to build a site for artists to share their work among other artists. Nowadays, it’s a confusing labyrinth of made up genders, and offended thirteen year olds crying in corners, slamming their fists on keyboards having a “panic attack.” Karp meant well, but now his beloved creation has eaten itself alive. Now he cries on the ground by the entrance of the labyrinth.

Pat him on the head when you enter the gates, and hold your belongings close. I’ll tell you why later; for now I’ll be your guide through this. Walk in. Yes, it’s barren. But that’s because you just started! It’s just as barren later as it is now, but with more people! How does that work? You’ll see, I promise. This part of our adventure has to do with a fandom. Not just any fandom however. But the “Lifting” fandom. Is your purse still closed? All your things still in there? Good. Keep your eye on it. This is where these people live. It’s dangerous here.

These people suffer from severe kleptomania. They really need help. Around June or July, a user compiled a list of “Lifters” and posted it on their blog causing many of these nerds to scramble, deactivating accounts, and making up excuses. My favorite excuse was “I’m doing it for cosplay!.” Ok hunny, ok. I’m sure this nice policeman will understand. Nowadays there are poe accounts. Recently made blogs are sketchy as to whether or not they’re the real thing. Some of the original blogs are still up and still running, though. Hey! That one’s trying to snatch your shoes! Kick it! That’s what you get for not paying attention.

Let’s keep going. Here’s one now. This one is harmless. It’s just sitting here scratching the wall a little:

Oh sweet Lord above. Here comes another. That one is in shackles.

Well there’s the answer for the first one. Maybe they’ll take this as tip.

The funny thing is that sometimes homeless people, or people struggling to eat, will steal food just so they don’t die. But these are usually middle class white kids from ages roughly 15-22. They aren’t struggling; not like the single dad feeding his two kids. But, uh, fuck capitalism I guess… But seriously, they have no extra mouths to feed. You can’t feed someone with a hairbrush like this one up ahead.

Keep your eyes down. keep walking.

Damn it, didn’t you hear me?! Keep going! Don’t listen to the degenerates! Want to know what they call this shit? Hauls. They call it their fucking hauls. They’ll be the reason soon we have to ask an employee at a store to unlock fucking everything to get to it. They don’t give a shit about the damage they do to the workers. The workers will often lose their fucking jobs! Do these kids care? No! They’re a bunch of stupid teenagers. And they’re so cocky! They think they won’t be caught. You want to know what one said when told they were being reported to the police? “ooh that’s totallly gonna happpennn” … just shut the fuck up, kid.

*Grabs your hand.* We need to get out of here. Now. Before the real crazies show up.

D-do you hear that rumbling? Shh!…..oh no….