Jensgender

transitioning from :/ to :D

“I respect trans people, but I would never date one.”

The myth of supporting trans people but never letting yourself love one.

This is one of those posts where I know a few people are going to come out of the woodwork and say “THIS IS ABOUT ME, ISN’T IT JENS!?” And no, it isn’t. But yeah, it totally is. Like nearly every example I talk about on this blog, each theoretical person is a conglomerate of many people with whom I’ve had similar experiences.
And I do this intentionally; I don’t mean to call one person out. I’m here to call everyone out–all y’all. It’s not meant to be taken personally, and I don’t even see it as passive aggressive. I am genuinely trying to use real examples, altering them a little for confidentiality and clarity, to talk to you about what’s up with being a trans ally.
The above, unnecessary introduction is meant to soften the blow I’m about to make. I’m going to talk about something controversial: dating a ~trans person~.
I’m also probably going to talk about sex a little bit so if you’re like ttyl that’s fine. But I think this is important.
So I’m on OkCupid, right? And if you’re not familiar with OkCupid, it’s a dating website where you have a profile, and you are matched with other profiles based on some filters and the questions you’ve answered. You can mark each question with the answer you’d give, obviously, and then the answer(s) you’d like a potential mate to choose.
There are questions that really have no bearing on a relationship, like “Are you the oldest in your family?” or “Do you like country music?” (okay some of y’all hipsters may find that to be a deal breaker, idk).
And then there are more serious questions, maybe about politics, maybe about sexual preference, etc that really can have a serious impact on a relationship. You can also rate the question between not important and mandatory/very important, so it has more/less bearing on your ratings with other OkCupid users.
Real example: I have answered the question, “Would you date a transgender person?” I have answered it Yes, and I have it marked as the potential mate MUST also say yes, because, duh. It’s not going to work out otherwise. I also have it marked as Very Important for similar reasons.
All the time, I come across profiles of people I know, and not to be a freak or anything, but I look for this question. Would they date a transgender person? Often, people avoid the question entirely and just don’t answer it. That’s fine. But the ones who do? Almost never do I see someone say YES to that question unless they are trans themselves.
So I come across a profile this week of someone I used to know quite well. I should have just left her profile alone, but whatever, it’s the internet. I look for my signature question. She’s answered it. Not only does it say she’d never date a trans person, it says she’d never date someone who WOULD date a trans person.
dating a trans person
You know what I think when I see that?

You must think I’m gross.

You must think I’m gross.
You must think I’m so disgusting you wouldn’t even go out on a date with me, let alone kiss me and tell me I’m worth it.
I’ve had discussions with people, too, who say to my face, “Jens I respect trans people but I would never date one.” This is soon followed by something like, “they’re just not my type.”
What isn’t your type, exactly? Explain it to me. Is it that I don’t have enough facial hair? Is it that I’m not very tall? Is it that I can’t take care of you or make you feel loved? Is it that I don’t have a dick?
Is it that you don’t see me as a man?
Look, I don’t want to date this friend I saw on OkCupid. I don’t want her to date ME. I want her to find love or whatever it is she’s looking for and be happy. But to see this, from someone who may consider herself a trans ally–this is devastating.
What is it about every single trans person within the dating pool that is so repulsive you won’t even respond to my message or go on a date with me? Let’s pretend that I was the man of your dreams. Now–oh, I was born with more estrogen than testosterone. “It’s a no-go, Jens! I don’t date trans people! But I totally respect you though!”
I’m struggling with this, but I don’t think you can have it both ways. I don’t think you can be a trans ally and say you’d never be with a trans person of your orientation. If you’re into men, and you’d say you’d never give the time of day to a man if he’s trans, how is that not completely laying a blanket over all transgender identities and invalidating their expressions?
When you are attracted to men and you’d say you’d NEVER date a trans man, you make me feel like less of a man. I’m not man enough for you.
I’m going to be real with you for a sec–if you are a cis woman and you are into dudes and you’d never date a trans dude, you are MISSING OUT because uhhhhhh as a proud owner of a vagina, I know what’s up. I’m not tryna be weird, I’m tryna be honest: cis dudes have to be taught (if they are even good students). Trans dudes? Yeah. Uh. We know already. :)
Anyway, I guess I can’t speak from the perspective of a cisgender person, but I remember as a kid thinking that trans people were weird or gross. I was conditioned to think that! Not even by anyone in particular, just the media, whatever. So in a tiny way, I get it. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay.
And there’s something to be said for preferences. Maybe you’re into brunettes. Maybe you’re like me and mostly into unattainable, beautiful women who will never date you. You can have a taste, you can have a type. But if you’re into brunettes and you met a blonde who otherwise met all of your criteria, would you turn them away?
No, hair color and gender are not the same. But I hope you understand what I mean. You cannot call yourself a trans ally, even a trans sympathizer, even a neutral trans bystander, if you swear off dating all trans people. It kills me when you say that. It actually kills me.
I almost didn’t transition because I thought nobody would ever love me again. That’s the truth. And you know what? People love me, but not very often romantically. And I guess it’s whatever, but it’s too bad because I am NOT gross. In fact I’m pretty charming and GREAT in bed so y’all can FUCK OFF. Oh and I smell good and have great hair. I don’t really like sports all that much but I can totally assemble an IKEA bookshelf if given enough of a pep talk beforehand. I’m not all that masculine but I’m also not an arrogant asshole. I’m not so bad looking, even for a ginger.
Basically, seeing trans people as one collective group of gross people is one of the worst things you can do for your queer friends. Seeing them as the individuals they are and loving people based on how they treat dogs or if they are feminists or not is way more appropriate and relevant.
I shouldn’t have to say this, but trans people aren’t gross. And sometimes we die because this world isn’t kind to us. We could use more people who won’t swear us off like we are untouchable, and more importantly, unlovable.
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Author’s note: See this follow-up post for further commentary.
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56 thoughts on ““I respect trans people, but I would never date one.””

  2. I think this is a topic that needs light shed on it. So often the dating culture and especially the online dating culture feeds into intensely preferential based algorithmic dating schemes that narrow people down into simplistic categories, and creates problematic situations where a click of “no” on an answer to a question about someone’s entire identity inhibits the interaction that could potentially lead to greater understanding, friendship, love…!
    Sad, really.
  3. Jens, you’re hella handsome and the ladies are missing out by arbitrarily restricting their dating pool ❤️ 💪🏼
  4. I’m glad this came from a trans man.
    I’m a trann, and male identified but also MAAB (confusing I know) and on HRT.
    So I am trans feminine, but not a trans womin. I know too many trans womyn that are attacked by cis womyn who buy into trans-exclusionary “feminism” and act like trans womyn are predators for talking about the very same subject and speaking about the same things – how it’s supposedly male entitlement and creepy and whatever else – they’ve even built up a whole monstering narrative around it and the demonized concept of the “cotton ceiling” to the point where many trans womyn are afraid to even bring it up anymore.
    So thank you for talking about something that many trans people are monstered for bringing up.
  5. Welcome to online dating in general. It doesn’t matter how good of a man you think you are, women will shit on you regardless.
    “And I guess it’s whatever, but it’s too bad because I am NOT gross. In fact I’m pretty charming and GREAT in bed so y’all can FUCK OFF. Oh and I smell good and have great hair.”
    We all feel like we deserve better but I’m telling you, women on OKCupid do not care. The fact your are trans is basically irrelevant here, it’s only a small piece to a much bigger puzzle. You can’t really conflate your bad dating experiences with transphobia, in my opinion, because online dating is a disaster for anyone who 1. doesn’t have bottom-barrel standards or 2. who isn’t a 10/10.
    Preferences are preferences, and if people don’t want to date trans people, that is their right. I consider myself a trans ally but I wouldn’t date a trans-person. I simply don’t want to date someone with the same parts I have. How can you really complain about that? Trans allies are what you need to ensure trans people finally reach total social acceptance, so why would you deny us that? It might be hard now but the more of us you have on your side, the better things will get.
    • I published your comment, but I do not ever want my blog used to shit-talk women. Women on online dating sites have a super hard time–idiots and harassing assholes abound. I don’t feel right letting “women will shit on you regardless” stand unaddressed.
      I’m not denying trans allies anything. If trans allies are true allies, they will listen to trans people and hear out what THEY need, not what allies think they need. Trans people get to decide what is invalidating/validating, who is an Ally and who is not.
      • “Online dating is a disaster for anyone who 1. doesn’t have bottom-barrel standards (Referring to the fact that he is severely judgmental of the women he sees on the site) or 2. who isn’t a 10/10 (referring to the idea that “women” won’t talk to you unless you’re 10).”
        He’s 1. A hypocrite, projecting his own flaws onto other people 2. Probably only pursuing his preferred “10s” and getting shot down for the same reason he shoots the “bottom barrel” girls down.
        And 3. Nobody I’d ever want to date, with that attitude about dating (and 4. Doesn’t know how to read, because the point of your article is so distant from a mere “complaint” about okcupid)
      • Thank you, Jens, for that response. I thought that was a pretty despicably misogynistic response myself. I have some qualms with anybody who considers themselves a trans ally but wouldn’t date a trans person. First of all, most people experience attraction before they find out about somebody’s genitals. I, for one, was on OKC when there were only three sexuality options (straight, bi, and gay) and was super attracted to my (now) fiancé through his photos initially. It wasn’t until I read his profile that it was clear to me that he was trans (he outed himself in his profile), but at that point, why would it matter? I already had felt that initial attraction.
        Let me be clear though- I don’t think people need to out themselves on OKC and I think stealth can be a good thing (though I worry about safety for folks). Had I not known my fiancé was trans and gone out with him, I still would have been super into him, so I don’t really get how somebody’s trans status means that you wouldn’t be interested. It’s unfair to expect people to out themselves to you until they feel safe anyways, and for many people, how would you even know? I have many trans friends who are able to be stealth if they want to be.
        I think there’s a ton of internalized homophobia and transphobia in the “ally” community. This needs to be addressed- thanks for bringing it up!
      • Legitimate question.. What do you make of a cis woman who wants her partner to have “traditional” male sexual organs because of the kind of sex she likes … If thats her hang up on dating a trans person do you see that as an issue or is that different? Personally im bisexual so it’s not an issue for me but i can see where it might be for some…
    • I think you are missing the point here. Sure, Dating online is the pits. It is a long and arduous process of vetting those individuals that you think that you may have something in common with and trying to get them to write you back. It just sucks.
      The point I am seeing being made here is that you can fit some ones preference to the letter and they simply won’t date you because you are trans. It is not about being a man in general. It is not about not fitting their type. The specific issue here is stated in the title of this blog post. People not wanting to date some one simply because they are trans. It is a load of crap and it craps on the people that we are. It says that they do not respect us because they don’t think that we are who we say we are. And that is Transphobic as hell!
    • If you’re attracted to a girl and you find out later that she’s trans, are you suddenly not attracted to her? How shallow would that make you appear? That all it takes to turn you off a woman is a single difference in her anatomy?
  6. I’m a guy just out of college, pretty tall, in shape, and I can’t find someone to go out with me. Not only that but when I go to online dating websites I have to put in ALL the work every single time and rarely do I get a response from a person who may be interested. I think your issues as a trans person aren’t dissimilar at all from others experiences. It’s extremely disheartening for anyone to be denied over and over again for seemingly nonexistent reasons. Just know you aren’t alone and your gender might not have as much to do with the online dating scene as you think.
    • But again, it is about a persons gender. Look at the title of this blog post. Look at the content of the post. Because it is exactly that. People that state that they would not date a trans person because they are trans. It is all about who we are as people and the perception that others have about us.
  7. Jen, you have written about the unspoken and I too am glad this came from a transmen. I hope that your article here causes some introspection and elicits some honesty in those that reply. That said, I think we ourselves have a few questions to answer. For instance, why is it that lesbian trans women also prefer cis gender women….not that some wouldn’t date transwomen or transmen… “It happens’ … And not to drift off the point of this article, but if transwomen are in fact lesbian, and many if not most lesbians are “not femme”, why do most choose to present femme who are the minority in lesbian spaces? None of this contributes to successful dating experiences.. Could it be there is built into us some genetic trait that pushes us to seek out and mate with our idea of perfection in evolution without really not knowing why we are driven that way? Jen, your article I hope will open up a wider discussion from which we will all learn something and maybe just maybe help us adjust and become more successful in love and in life.. Great article…loved it!!
    • I am not sure I am understanding what you are saying here in this comment. I, a trans woman, Identify as a lesbian. I date other trans women mostly because of the problems that are stated in this blog post. It is not that I wouldn’t date other trans women. It just seems that I have been relegated to that option because of the flack I get from Cis Gendered women about me having a penis. That is just messed up on so many levels. You don’t get to say that you accept me as a woman and then in the same breath tell me that you don’t like penis. As I have stated many times before…Messed up on all sorts of levels.
      • Why is someone not allowed to dislike a penis. Not everyone loves a person just for the person. I do find it beautiful when people really do just love the heart of someone. I’m a lesbian and I want someone with a vagina because sexually it’s my preference. It is a turn on that I wouldn’t have with a penis. All people are entitled to preferences.
      • Courtney, your comment Is blindingly simple but so true. Personally, I think there are two reasons why we don’t see it. First, we have learned that concentrating on a vagina or a penis lends support to the objectification of women and men based on the beauty of our physical attributes. Secondly, we promote ourselves as being more than just a penis or vagina. We are of course beautiful in so many ways.. Ie., heart, soul and mind! While true, I do think there are built in natal sexual desires and preferences that ARE tied to penises and vaginas.. While each one of us ‘can be’ attracted to, love and mate with someone outside our ‘natal preferences’ our greatest physical attraction and sexual satisfaction may lie with mating with a penis or vagina, no matter the value or beauty of a person on the inside… I mean.. many are gay and lesbian, often for that same reason.. . Great comment Courtney..
      • I think a good way to put it is this: For whatever reason, you’re attracted to this person, be it for their personality, their intelligence, their looks, whatever the reason. But you were attracted before you ever saw their genitals.
  8. I’m excited to see your blog and looking forward to reading more. I think your post is a charged topic in our community and one that hits people deeper than was hinted at here. As a trans woman, I’ve been tempted to say I don’t want to date a transgendered person. Thankfully, I’ve been proven wrong. And I think your friend would be, too, if she met the right person. But, I feel like a lot of people hold back because so often we, as a transgender community, are represented by our emotional trauma, self-doubt, and confusion. And the big question I would ask is “How can we ask someone else to love us until we love ourselves?”
  9. You’ve given people some truth here, so I shall grant you some truth in return. People talk a big game about philosophy, but they mostly believe in a physical world. Hence, physical characteristics like genitalia are often emphasized. We are just highly evolved animals, in the end. That said, there is a solution to your problem, and she’s probably watching anime right now. Counterculture bi girls are your way forward. You should restrict your profile searches to bi\pan females. That’s 99% of your dating pool. I am restricted to the same pool, for slightly different reasons. But that’s ok. Bi girls are awesome sauce. She will dye her hair blue while you both watch a Cowboy Bebop marathon. Trust me, your better off. I look forward to competing with you for the best bi girls on OKC. Go get them, my brother.
  10. As a cis gender woman who is madly in love with and engaged to a trans man, those women who don’t check the “yes” box…they don’t know what they are missing! I have dated cis men, cis women and no relationship has ever compared… My blog follows our story of a cis/trans relationship…feel free to share. (Www.lovinglaineoutloud.wordpress.com)
    • What can one say but Awesome and Congratulations!! Course I know you were attracted to him because of who he was on the inside.. Being handsome on the outside is a Bonus!! 😊
    • Love this, congrats! So happy to see other stories like ours. I think being proud about our trans partners and talking about them positively in front of other people is one way we can help change the narrative about dating trans people. FYI- if you’re interested, the partners and families working group at the Philly Trans Health Conference is always looking for more folks to help out!
  11. Thank you for a challenging and illuminating post. I’ve always struggled with my own gender/sexuality boxes, and puzzled over who and what I’m even attracted to. Thanks to your thoughts and the following conversations, I can peg myself as a definite “yes” for dating transmen. It just took posing the question in a somewhat debatey platform to finally see how I feel. Thank you, thank you. I’m one reader who feels a bit more liberated than I was before I started reading.
  12. Amen to this, to all of this. And damn, this really makes me want to date you, sez this ginger butchy femme. ;)
    But I suspect you live on the other side of the country, alas, since Murphy’s Law usually rules.
    That said, I’m on OKC as ZenHope, so feel free to look me up.
    Best wishes,
    Hope
  13. I think saying the online dating scene kinda sucks for everyone is missing the point slightly: the online dating scene is just the only place where you tick yes or no in such a blatant fashion. You don’t walk around with signs above your head saying “I would never date someone who hates cats” so it’s less obvious an example outside of that slightly false online world.
    But it’s the same. This ‘I wouldn’t date a trans person’ exists in “real life” dating too, and it can and does come from people claiming to be trans allies, or supportive of trans people, or ‘I have nothing against trans people.’ You obviously have something against them if you write off an entire, extremely variant group of people.
    Do you mind if I link to this post from my blog?
  14. well i am transgender and would never date one either….first i am not into other trans girls and if i am going to date a man i want him to have a cock…period .but i do have friends that date other trans i think its great :)
  15. I (think) I understand you feel left out and hurt by people saying they would not date a trans-person. A person saying they would not date a person who would date a trans-person definitely seems trans-judging. I also think I can identify myself as a trans-ally (spread awareness and advocate equality) while at the same time saying it is unlikely (thought not impossible) I would date a trans-person. I say this because I choose to live as a cis-gendered woman, and I prefer a fully male bodied person as a mate. I could date women, and considered it at one point, -but I choose, because I want my life not to be that complicated, not to also explore that option. In the same way I would not want to be involved with the stress that comes with being trans in our culture to the level of dating someone who is trans.
    Its a personal choice what perimeters to include in dating. I’m 45. I had an attractive 25 year old hitting on me a while back. I was attracted, but Im not looking for the complication that kind of age disparity carries. I think a lot of trans men are super-hot, but no. I don’t want those complications in my life.
    You can not choose. You are trans. I can not choose to avoid all the complications that my life entail (for example food allergies). But if you say you do not want to date someone with food allergies that prevent them from going out to eat or drinking alcohol that does not make me think you are not a “food allergy ally”. You could totally support me in my struggle, just not to the point of taking it on as your own. We each have our own battles to fight, and we can support one another in them but its always a matter of degree, how much we have to give. Mostly we are dealing with our own incarnation.
    You may not identify me as a trans ally, because I would not seek to date a trans person, but I identify myself as one, because I offer support on many different levels. That is the thing about life. Other people classify and categorize us, and we do the same to ourselves. They do not always agree. Like many people would identify you as the sex you were bodied as at birth, but you fight for the right to identify yourself. I also reserve the right to identify myself. If you determine I am not your personal ally -that is your right. Many other trans may accept my overtures of support, and politically I always vote to support trans and gender rights.
    • P, an honest, sensitive and forthright response. I can’t speak for others but I do understand.mi know Given the choice, I think many if not the vast majority would, if given the choice, would want to be congruent in identity, physical characteristics and orientation. It would be life without struggle but, we are who we are and no less beautiful s person than anyone else. Interestingly, most trans men and women themselves gravitate to CIS men and women. There are no easy answers only a journey to live I happiness, to share ‘our’ love and… to BE loved… Kiersten
  16. Corrected for tiny keyboard errors! 😊. P, an honest, sensitive and forthright response. I can’t speak for others but I do understand. Given the choice, I think many if not the vast majority would want to be congruent in identity, physical characteristics and orientation. It would be life without struggle but, we are who we are and no less beautiful a person than anyone else. Interestingly, most trans men and women themselves gravitate to CIS men and women. There are no easy answers only a journey to live Iife in happiness, to share ‘our’ love and… to BE loved… Kiersten
  17. I am married to a transman and identify as a lesbian. In general the whole concept of allies drives me nuts. It is usually something someone says about themselves. You are absolutely correct that transpeople get to decide if someone is an ally or if their views are transphobic.
    I have seen so many instances of someone arguing with a transperson on whether or not something they have said or done is transphobic and responding with “but I am an ally!” Pffft! Let’s leave the ally designation behind. Just support people like my husband and shut up and listen when he speaks about *his* experience of being trans in the world. I don’t call myself an ally. If a transperson wants to call me that then I will accept and be grateful that they feel supported.
    As far as the whole dating thing goes and being an ally…my guess is that folks compartmentalize dating preferences and their support for different groups. I am old and you look to be a younger person. Don’t waste your time on folks who will not see you, the whole and complex person who happens to be trans. There are plenty of women who will see you and love you. Online dating is a foreign concept to me. Real time is where it is at if that is an option for you.
    • I really don’t feel like you can be married to a trans man and still identify as a lesbian. Lesbians are women who love other women. Your husband is not a woman.
      I’m also married to a transman and I am queer. I thought I was a lesbian before I met him, too, but you’re clearly into men if you’re married.
  18. I don’t know … I think there is some room between “I support but wouldn’t date trans people” and “all trans people are really gross!” The friend might have conveyed that attitude but you are extrapolating it out to all people who just aren’t interested in dating trans folks for whatever reason.
    I probably wouldn’t date a lot of demographics. But I’d support them in their pursuits and not deride them or those that dated them. And I wouldn’t want to be derided for having that preference to Not date them. In some preferences of mine, I avoid at all costs bringing up because I know I’ll be derided despite it being nothing personal towards whatever kind of person it was…”Im just not sexually interested, thank you, please don’t pressure or shame me into it – its not cool.”
    Dating and being an ally are two separate things and select people having a poor attitude is a third thing. Lets not conflate them all.
    • That’s pretty close-minded in my opinion to just “know” there are certain demographics you wouldn’t date. You’re missing out.
  19. Yeah…this whole mindset is totally a thing…
    …see the absolutely surreal comments above…
    And that’s why I don’t date cis people!
    Yeah, a few cis people would be okay, and some trans people are still transphobic, but overall it’s way safer.
    And if anyone wants to comment, no, it’s not the same thing at all.
  20. Totally awesome article and I completely relate to it in so many ways. I’ve dated other transgender people myself, two MTF and one gender neutral male. I was married to a cis woman for 12 years and have found that I love being near them the most in my life, but I wanted to share the awesomeness that is me with others to figure out exactly what my type is.
    I’ve discovered that I definitely don’t want to be with another MTF trans person early on in their transition. At least the two I were with were emotional roller coasters and I didn’t know if I was going to receive affection or disdain from them on a daily basis.
    I was there myself at one point and know that they need the support that I had. I knew going into my own transition that I would be going through a lot of changes, both physically and mentally, and that I didn’t want to put someone else through that, so I chose to stay single.
    Sadly now that my transition is complete, I find too that nobody wants to date me but other trans people. I’ve struck up amazing conversations with cis people but once I tell the I am trans I’m suddenly distanced and no longer of interest. Being that I’ve had surgery, I’m not even a fetish anymore… Oh the joys.
  21. I’m the same exact boat as you except I’m attracted to men. I’ve only ever dated other trans guys because any cis guys I have pursued (and even gone on a date with!) come back around and say flat out “You don’t have a dick so I’m not interested in you” (Yes, that’s been said to me). It hurts, a lot. I too had fears of being unloved when I started my transition and while I have friends and family that still love me, I feel like I’ve completely lost out on any opportunity for romantic relationships. I’ve used online dating sites and have not had any positive experiences. Thank you for writing about this, I totally relate.
  23. Thanks for posting this. As someone who dates a trans man, I can tell you that women who would turn down a relationship with a trans man simply don’t know what they are missing.
    The trans men I know are, almost to a man, the BEST men I know. In every conceivable way.
    It’s not that there aren’t good cisgender men. There are. But there are an extraordinary number of terrible ones. Rather few of them have had to fight to be who they are.
    The same kinds of dynamics are true on OKC for trans women, btw. My OKC profile essentially served me as a non-creepy way to announce that I was available to other trans people I already knew.
  24. My first thought is “wouldn’t date someone who would date a transsexual? Damn, this person is so fucked up in the head, so bound by paranoia, they must be a misery to themselves and everyone around them. I’m so glad I’m not that sick!
  25. What YOU think when you see someone answer that question is your circus love. Not theirs. So what if they think your gross! Why is that something you have to worry about?
  26. Im glad you’re sharing your experience. Here’s my story and advice:
    I’m a cisgendered woman married to a transman who I met pre-transition, 9 years ago, when he was 21 and I was 18. I had just come out as a lesbian before I met him, as gradually I realized I’m actually queer- and no, I’m not bi. The reason I consider myself to be queer instead of straight, gay or bi is because I love a transgender man who, while now legally a man, isn’t one end of the spectrum in my book, so the binary identification doesn’t work for me. Queer means I love my trans husband’s body regardless of what surgeries he has had, will have or won’t have.
    The reason I’m writing about myself is because I think most cisgendered women like myself don’t know what their sexual orientation is when they are in their teens and twenties and maybe even thirties. You’re right to be pissed at your so-called ally friends for being so close-minded, but keep in mind that a lot of straight people and gay people think they know exactly what they want in the bedroom and they have no idea what gender and sex are about and how they have anything to do with one another. A dating website that wasn’t made for queer people just isn’t going to get that. I recommend going out and doing queer activities where straight allies are also present. I met my husband in a gay hockey league- and I wasn’t looking for a hook-up, but the people and atmosphere made both of us feel comfortable enough to get to know one another normally. And then I fell in love.
    I guess where I’m going with this is, the fuckers who write “never” to dating a trans person are just close-minded people you wouldn’t want to kick it with let alone date, anyway, so why not hang out somewhere where people are likely to not care about gender or better yet- embrace it? :) There are still people who think I shouldn’t be with my husband because he is black and I am white- and some people we hang out with who we will never come out to- haters gonna hate. I know who my true friends are. I promise there are awesome cisgendered trans-loving knock-out gorgeous ladies out there. I know because I’m one of many. :)
    Good luck in love and tell those bitches they are missing out on some awesome oral at he very least. Js. 😆
  27. So, I wanted to start this out by saying I’d totally date trans. Which side you ask? All. I’m a bit cis female, and it’s wonderful. When I was looking for roommates, I specifically put an ad out for a trans person. Why? Because I didn’t know much about the trans world, although I’m a part of the LGBT community. And it has been incredibly enlightening. I work at an adult store, so im exposed to every gender, sexuality, fetish, interest, etc. I once had a couple come in, in search of the perfect sized dong. I showed them, and then even made the suggestion, if they didnt find one that was quite to their taste (i then looked at the male of the couple) then i could show them the clone a willy kit, and they could copy his. Come to find out then, that he was actually trans. I felt a little embarrassed, (but brushed it off quickly because, how was i supposed to know? Im not sleeping with him.) And continued to suggest different products to fit their needs. They were totally cool about it. I even, later on made friends with them, because they shared the same wonderful interests as I did. Ever crushed on a couple before? I totally did at that point. Lol. My point being, I found them attractive, as people, both sexually and personality wise, before I found out about their genitals, and it didn’t change my opinion on them. They were wonderful.
    On a different note;
    I had some questions I wanted to address. I know the most hated and asked question is, “well how do you have sex” (which is such a stupid, over simplified, and insensitive question), but I unfortunately, my questions walk the same line. I understand every person is different, regardless of if they are cis or trans. I’d never want to offend anyone, or devalue their gender identity. I’m always curious about things like, during sex, should you touch or acknowledge their current genitals (especially since it may be a sensitive topic or they might not be comfortable with their current ones), should you have sex they way that a cis couple the same genders would, should you just let them lead? Which may sound like stupid questions, because again I understand every person is different and enjoy different things. I also understand it’s all about the intimicy and comfort between those two people. I guess I’m just asking for some insight and thought. :)
    • I would say always always always ask. It doesn’t even matter if the person is trans or not–partners should be asking their partners what they want and if they want it. It might be a shy or embarrassing conversation to have, but it is mandatory.
  28. I consider myself an egalitarian who thinks people should be able to live their lives well enough however they please as long as they aren’t hurting anyone else, and to that end I think that transpeople are treated with unfair hatred, because objectively speaking, transpeople do not actually hurt anyone.
    and when it comes to transgendered issues, i always side in favor of transgendered people because objectively speaking social justice is actually needed.
    But I wasn’t a particularly big fan of this article.
    I am a straight man. I couldn’t date a transwoman. The simplest reason is because the logistics of actual sex with a transwoman do not interest me. I’m gonna be vulgar from here on out because we’re talking about sexual content so if you’re not interested in reading that then by all means skip past what I’m saying.
    I don’t really find anal to be my thing. I do not want to put my genitals in a butt. That is what i’d likely be doing when dating a transwoman, and it’s not a sexual act I am interested in performing. It doesn’t arouse me at all.
    And for what it’s worth, if we’re talking about a substantial relationship here, with long term goals, I’d like the possibility of children to be open.
    I guess I could date a transman but I feel like the act of doing so in a fashion that would be sexually satisfying to me would undermine their entire identity so I wouldn’t want to put them through that.
    Do I care about trans people? Yeah. But I don’t think I have to want to have sex with them to care about them. There are a lotta issues I care about that I don’t necessarily want to have sex with. You have my empathy, but you don’t have my personal and sexual interest.
  29. I’m a bit different, in that I’m totally Out as trans, and those who like that are generally kinksters and/or good pals. Milady likes me for who I am, Himself thinks the whole thing is entirely stimulating, and my social groups just accept me.
    No offense, but there’s a whole bunch of over-thinking going on here, and beating oneself over the head&shoulders with an ugly stick. Ya gotta work on self-acceptance first, then go out looking for the same thing from others.
  31. *
    Yep.
    I have been participating at a message board since early this year. The other members know my story – some accept me, some taunt me, some don’t give a flip.
    One who openly declared her hatred toward transsexuals – knowing I am one – asked if I would ever consider a transsexual for a partner. I replied that of course I would – it would be ‘interesting’ to borrow a famous quote. We could compare notes, though I really do not know what it was to be male.
    She scolded me – that it would be nuts having a transsexual partner.
    Wait a minute, I posted to her, I am transsexual. What, I’m going to be bigoted against my own fellow travellers?
    Her reply to me was that, well, I am not the same as ‘them’, I’m different because she knows me now.
    Sigh!
    *
  32. Firstly, I’d like to address the comment about your friend who said they’d not date someone who said they’d not date a trans person…. I’ve been internet dating a long time (too long) and one of the this I’ve noticed about the OKCupid questions, is that a lot of people don’t understand how to use that second column! I’ve come across answers, (and let’s use this question as an example) where they might reply with “yes, I’d date a trans person”, but when it comes to the partner side, they’ll answer “this person must have never dated a trans person”. The two ideas are completely contradictory, so surely they’ve misclicked, misread, or simply don’t understand how the double-sided questioning works. So my advice is don’t always take the second half of OKCs questions as gospel.
    Secondly, just to quickly address the topic of your blog. As a cis-gendered (female) LGBTQ ally, I did find what you wrote to be open, raw, enlightening and confronting. Where I’m from, the population is very accepting of LGBTQ people, however it’s a small town, and trans-people are low in number, as such, my trans-friends are all online at this stage. When confronted with this question, I had to earnestly ask myself “would I?” and I admit I struggled with the answer. I have recently admitted to myself and friends that I could probably “date” another girl for companionship, friendship, cuddles…but I’m not sexually attracted to women. I like penis. I’m not attracted to vaginas. Sorry. I’m actually one of those (rare) girls who really (really!) enjoys fellatio. So to be intimate with someone without a penis would be a significant disruption to what I get off on sexually (and dealing with a vagina would be a turn off).
    So if by admitting that no, I (probably) wouldn’t date a trans-guy means you see me as “non-ally” then I guess that’s your prerogative – just as it’s mine to choose to not sleep with someone without a dick.
    This discussion has not come up with my trans-friends, and I’ve not yet been in the situation where it has personally been an issue that I’ve actually had to make the call that I will or won’t date a trans person (thankfully!) I certainly have no intentions of saying to my friends “oh, btw, I’m not into trans-people sexually…” as I know (and your blog has affirmed it) that that’s kinda hurtful. But it’s no different to someone saying to me “I’m not into fat chicks sexually”. I can understand why I’m not a turn on because of my physical condition, surely the same should be understood when you are lacking a fairly significant sexual organ.
    Some people honestly don’t care – and more power to them – SO! much respect!! Does it make me shallow? Maybe. But it is what it is. Vaginas aren’t my thing. Sorry.
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