Men need to step up and actually help women out at home and at work. We need them to take active responsibility for their faults
In the ongoing national conversation about work life balance and domestic parity between men and women, there’s a phrase that’s not quite as popular as “having it all” or “leaning in” but is important just the same: this is not just a women’s issue.
Sheryl Sandberg has
encouraged men to get involved
in advocating for women’s equality at work and at home, academics have pointed out
that men’s participation is necessary for real change and earlier this year in his State of the Union address, President Obama said: “It’s time we stop treating child care as a side issue, or a women’s issue, and treat it like the national economic priority that it is for all of us.”
It’s true; child care, housework, balancing work and home life - these are issues that men absolutely need to care about and take action on. But not just because it benefits them to, or to do so as a favor to help women out. Men need to get off the bench and do something because gendered domestic disparity is a problem that they created. It’s only fair that men fix it.
This is one of those truths that’s tricky to say because feminists are so often working hard to make the movement’s messages palatable. We don’t want men to feel alienated and pointing a finger can feel counterproductive.
But repeating “this is not just a women’s issue” over and over simply has not worked. For years feminists have argued that work life balance and the unequal division of labor in the home and with children is a family issue. Nothing has changed.
This isn’t to say that men haven’t gotten involved, many have. But we need more than men’s grudging participation - we need them to take active responsibility. In the workplace, where they can do more to fight for equal pay and against discrimination, but also in the home.
Years ago, before we were married, my husband Andrew ran a reading group - it was comprised mostly of young progressive-minded men in their 20s. One day they were discussing
an article
about the disproportionate care labor women do, for kids and elders, and the group was all in agreement: this was unfair. They talked about legislation and policy changes that could help. But when Andrew asked how many of them expected their future partners to do the majority of child care, the room got silent - and then defensive.
All of these young men who considered themselves progressive and were willing to talk about political change, were completely unwilling to let go of the idea that their personal lives might be impacted in any way for the cause. I don’t think this is an unusual attitude on either side of the aisle.
So yeah, maybe it’s time we weren’t so polite about this particular battle. The kind of change that these problems require - lasting change, change that’s both systemic and personal - requires more than men’s “support”. Women didn’t choose to make less money, bias does that.
Women
didn’t choose to be the default care giver, socialization does that.
Women didn’t create this problem. Men did that.