Man-babies now demanding 'Hymens for Diamonds'

The female body gets a free pass far too often. Sure, a woman's body and her behaviour are constantly policed and assessed by government policies and society and the media and gross individuals who legitimately believe their opinion is relevant, but still - more judgement is needed!

Recently a group of sad baby men crawled out of their fedora collection to announce "No Hymen, No Diamond". Despite my highest hopes, these men do not reference Neil Diamond at all, not even the songs 'Cherry Cherry' or 'Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon' which are at least vaguely relevant to their movement. I'm not sure if it is appropriate to call a few memes and offensive jokes a 'movement' but look, it has a Facebook page and a couple of hashtags, including #NoCherryDontMarry, so that's what we'll go with, even if it actually moves nowhere.

Their primary - ahem - message is that a woman (cisgender only, as there is no reference to trans women) should have her hymen intact before a man proposes to her. As per their Facebook page: "if they weren't good enough for the one they gave it to, why would they be good enough for you?"

OH MAN(BABY). So much bitterness in just one sentence. Firstly, it is hilarious that they assume the first person this hypothetical woman slept with ended up rejecting her. Maybe it was a fun and mutual one-time thing? Maybe she thought it was a snoozefest and moved on? Maybe they both morphed into ethereal floating orbs and no longer exist on the mortal plane? There are far too many hypotheticals to even think about, as much as I would enjoy making up more. Secondly, this hypothetical woman probably is too good for you, not vice versa.

Also, if these boys are so very serious about their obsession with hymens, they would know that the hymen is actually a membrane that surrounds the vaginal opening. It is not a thick layer that is magically 'popped' nor does it even resemble a cherry (and if you have anything resembling stems or pits downstairs, I recommend seeing a doctor promptly). Some cis women never experience the 'breaking' sensation during penetration; the membrane is elastic and can stretch. As they never said to us in Sex Ed but probably should have: vaginas are cool and everyone's is different.

For people that do experience the 'breaking' feeling and small bleeding, this can be brought on by a range of activities. As such, I assume the 'No Hymen No Diamond' baby club will be banning the following activities:

- horse riding

- bicycles

- being assaulted

- medical examination

- using tampons

- gymnastics

- masturbation (HAHA ONLY JOKING WOMEN DON'T TOUCH THEMSELVES, RIGHT? I think it is illegal)

Now, you fellas might want to sit down and stroke your neckbeard for this next point. Virginity is a social construct. What does it actually mean? Why do we have a term for someone who has not had sex - whatever constitutes sex anyway (does it include oral? Mutual touching? Same-sex encounters?)? Why do we not have a term for people who, say, have never kissed someone else? Or haven't ridden a skateboard? Or haven't watched Jumanji? Or haven't eaten nachos? Actually the term used for someone who has never eaten nachos is 'tragic and miserable’.

Speaking of delicious food, this cool club of baby men also enjoy a good metaphor – and by good I mean bad and clumsily stated. They ask, “Would you pay for an unwrapped taco with a bite taken out of it?” It's certainly reassuring to know that a woman’s body (taco) is a resource with only a finite amount of sexuality (filling) to give to a man (eater of taco). This metaphor is also problematic because it underestimates both my love of Mexican snacks and very low standards of food hygiene.

Women’s bodies are frequently referred to as inanimate objects: for example, you wouldn't leave your car unlocked, so why would you dare to walk down the street alone? It is a nice and pleasant reminder that we are not real people, but rather a collection of metal, steel and various oils.

Even if the concept of virginity is so important to you, that's fine, embrace yours, hate yours, whatever. As the former world leader Jon Bon Jovi sang, "It's your life". But don't shame others for their sexual experiences. Besides, most diamonds aren't ethically-sourced – conflict minerals are not a girl's best friend.