全 19 件のコメント

[–]StingrayVCEndorsed Woman 22ポイント23ポイント  (0子コメント)

You work on feeling gratitude. You look around you, all the time, and you pay attention to what people are doing. You see what they are doing for you and doing for others.

And you thank them for it.

If you have an SO, you pay particular attention to finding those things he does for your relationship and for you that you don't even know about.

And then you thank him for it.

[–]Washiface 12ポイント13ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm confused as OP claims to be a guy in a post he made in TRP.

[–]vguertin88 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

Head on over to trp and tell them you're a woman looking to lose the mentality of entitlement. They'll help you out! In all seriousness though, from my experience, I will tell you that I never realized just how much my attitude was oppressing my husband and how much I controlled the relationship. I never really realized how much of the relationship is ME I made every decision and my husband told me it was honestly easier for him to go along with it then for us to fight.

This relationship is not all you and the world is not all you. I honestly don't understand why men put up with women, I suppose it's all initially for sex although that's a poor long term game.

Be grateful for him, and what he does. Notice what he does, go out of your way to notice everything and appreciate it. You know that you're not the only one in the relationship and if you're anything like I was, you're probably being a controlling oppressive bitch (no offense to you personally). Please read The Surrenderd Wife and although I was joking in the beginning, go to trp and mrp and read what the man's side of the story. I'm sure you'll see yourself in a lot of what they complain about and try to fix. I know I did.

[–]Washiface 6ポイント7ポイント  (9子コメント)

How do you feel entitled? What do you feel entitled to?

[–]soselfieswow 2ポイント3ポイント  (8子コメント)

Not OP, but I wanted to respond to this thread because I've been pondering the same thing. It's my first time actually commenting on a thread in this sub, so please go easy on me. I guess I'm what you could call a red pill woman, or someone desiring to be one. I believe that a woman is best next to, and supporting of her man, and that each person in a relationship has their own role to fulfill. The mans role being the provider, the woman's role to support him. I really strive to be a good first mate, to hold my tongue when it comes to my negative thoughts and opinions that I have and want to say. Unfortunately, my personality disagrees with being a follower, even if that's what I want in my relationship. When I say my personality disagrees, I am narcissistic, sadistic, and histrionic among other things (this is also something backed up by neuropsychological testing, as well as my self realization of these qualities). I'm very all about me. I get upset easily, I throw a fit whenever I don't get what I want. I've always been like that, and in some ways I might always be like that. But I really just don't want to be that way anymore, I've seen it hurt my relationship before, and I really don't want to do it anymore. Because I am happier when my partner is happy. I'm proud of myself whenever I keep my mouth shut over something I didn't like and he recognizes that I did that. But I still struggle, and it's hard, just last night I started an argument with him over something that didn't even necessarily involve our relationship. And I'm ashamed that I did. I don't need to bother him with such things. I know that, but sometimes, most of the time even, i do. I feel like I try hard, but I know I could try harder. If any of you ladies have advice, for me, OP, or anyone else struggling with this self centered feeling of entitlement. I would greatly appreciate it.

[–]TempestTcup10 Endorsed Contributor 3ポイント4ポイント  (6子コメント)

And I'm ashamed that I did.

It might be helpful to make a formal apology, tell him this, and say that you are working on it. It might also be helpful if you two decided on a word to alert you when you are getting into that territory. Now, if I'm getting emotionally irrational, my husband looks at me and says "QUIT!" and it stops me in my tracks. It doesn't have to be that word though, it can be "TURNIP!" or whatever you choose :)

Oh, and if you go this route and he says the word you have to stop. You can't make a deal and then go back on your word!

[–]vguertin88 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

My husband and I have the same deal. I just tell him to say it nicely that I'm being irrational or too emotional lol

[–]TempestTcup10 Endorsed Contributor 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Yeah, he doesn't yell it or anything, he just lifts his eyebrows and says it firmly. It's kind of a shock though; he really never is anything but accepting of whatever I do, but when I get "that way" he puts a stop to it immediately.

[–]vguertin88 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Lol I do like that idea. It's like a safety word. Maybe I'll suggest that to my husband. I don't always realize when I'm revving up to full nag, I do realize it when I'm there and I'm getting better at stopping it but I'd love to not have to get there in the first place.

[–]soselfieswow 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Thank you very much for your reply. Before I left this morning I did apologize again for my behavior last night, told him I loved him and wished him a good day before I left. I'll bring this idea up to him, I think it would work pretty well for our relationship, because once I become emotional I become extremely irrational, there is nothing on this earth that could reason with me when im in a highly emotional state, so maybe just having him shut me down would prevent an argument from escalating.

I don't think i have any problems with apologizing/realizing my outbursts and mistakes. I do recognize and sincerely apologize every time, I just still feel like it happens so often to where my apologies mean less and less, or seem less sincere. To be fair, he does tell me he has noticed that I get angry less often, and that makes me very happy. Last night we discussed that he would like it if I also started working on how I behave when i do get upset. Which is where I am mostly struggling now, but your suggestion seems like it would work, I will let you know what he says about it. Thank you again :)

[–]StingrayVCEndorsed Woman 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

there is nothing on this earth that could reason with me when im in a highly emotional state, so maybe just having him shut me down would prevent an argument from escalating.

If you find that a word from him isn't enough, literally clamp your hands over your mouth and walk away so you cannot say anything else. Don't be embarrassed at doing something so obvious because it will show your SO that you are very serious about changing this behavior. There is nothing funny or embarrassing about that.

[–]closetrpw 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I asked my SO to tell me when I'm "lawyering" (aka hamstering) and it forces me to stop, come out of the rabbit hole, and re-shift my focus to the relevant issue at hand

[–]closetrpw 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

and he recognizes that I did that.

Careful here to not blow up when you've tried very hard to keep your mouth shut and he doesn't recognize it. I've slipped into that before and it just undoes the hard work you did in trying to remain calm. One time a boyfriend of mine changed plans on me very last minute and ruined the vision I had for my holiday weekend. I was calm and understanding about it when he first cancelled, but then when I felt like he was taking advantage of how nice I was being, I stewed and ended up blowing up at him later, telling him that he had selfishly ruined my holiday weekend. I was such a control freak and so ashamed at how I acted.

Sometimes I feel it's much better to not completely hold your tongue ONLY IF you know it will keep you from exploding later (something like "While cancelling on this has a pretty big impact on my holiday weekend since I had planned around it, if you think it's best that you do ____ instead, I understand."), but I still don't know how to do that without sounding like I'm giving him grief for it.

[–]blondie_brownie1 Endorsed Contributor 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think reading the surrendered books are a good place to start; Laura Doyle discusses entitlement a lot. I also think that volunteering at charities and putting yourself in a position to see less-entitled people has always really helped me keep my focus. It's hard to feel entitled when you realize just how bad others have it.

[–]CoochQuarantine 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

I meditate a lot. When I meditate, I try to look at myself from an outside perspective and sort of realize that I'm just a tiny piece in a huge puzzle. Asking someone to do the dishes NOW... big picture is the stupidest thing to get annoyed over. Demanding that someone do x, y, or z for you because you NEED it. That is very small thinking. I take my 20-30 minutes a day and reflect on how things just don't matter in the long run. Will I care next month that my car isn't washed today? No. Will I remember next year how this person was 20 minutes late to a meeting? No. I think it is about putting things into context. We can generally get wrapped up into our own head that we forget how small we really are in the world.

[–]TempestTcup10 Endorsed Contributor 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

Don't sweat the small stuff :)

[–]CoochQuarantine 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

That is actually a good book to read too!

[–]TempestTcup10 Endorsed Contributor 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

LOL, I guess it was only a matter of time until someone used that ancient saying as a title.

[–]vintagegirlgame 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Full title is: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and It's All Small Stuff!)

One page reminders of how to live in peace :)