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UnverifiedEmbarrassing situation. Non-Indian trying to overcome public sexual assault by local students. (self.india)

ShouldIResign が 投稿

I'm 26 y/o female from West Asia. I'm in India for an exchange programme through government scholarship. I was offered an assistant teacher position to undergraduates while doing half of my semesters here. The pay was very good. I was having a great time getting to know my students. I do not have teaching experience at all but the class was very supportive when I fumble. I blended in so well that many would come talk to me in Hindi but then get to know that I was a foreigner.

When my friends from Europe came to visit me, we went to a club where they were invited to. Some of my students happened to be there. They bought us drinks and recorded us dancing while we were high. The video had scenes were two of the students grab and bite my boobs. The video showed me laughing while they did it but I wasn't fully in my senses so it wasn't meant to be consensual. I do not want to get into further drama or legal mess by pressing charges against them in a foreign country. I had regrets as it was unprofessional as a teacher on my part and went against the cultural sensitivity advise given by mentor back home.

The video went viral and I started receiving perverted whatsapp messages along with a few slut shaming comments from anonymous numbers. Someone is spreading rumors about how I and women from where I am from sell their "fair skinned meat" to rich businessmen. When I go to campus now, I get weird stares from both faculty and students. Boys whistle and re-act my dancing when I pass the corridor. Some of them have this lecherous look in their faces. I just got used to ignoring all of that. During classes someone would play the club song and giggle. I pretend to act as if those students from the club don't exist. I tried to play cool about it and divert the topic. This is getting awkward and uncomfortable as days go by. I am on sick leave now.

Some of the female friends seem to have distanced themselves from me. I feel the atmosphere here is very odd where males haven't stopped giving lecherous looks and women give me the cold shoulder. I can tell some of them are making slut shaming remarks in their native language from their tone.

I had plans to continue here till I can transfer to Europe, as pay was better than in my home country. But my transfer to Europe is very uncertain because of my financial circumstances. I do not wish to continue in this embarrassing environment and just wish to go back after one last tour of the country. I've given a thought about transferring to another university in some other city but I have no clue if other universities would offer the same post like this one. I need suggestions on how to get out of this mess.

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[–]crossjaw 20ポイント21ポイント  (2子コメント)

This certainly sounds like a mess. I'm not going to say that you should have been more responsible and careful cos you already know that(not judging; we do dumb shit when we are drunk sometimes). But yes you were taken advantage of when you were drunk and vulnerable. And those idiots crossed an even bigger line when they distributed a video.

Ideally those boys need to be punished but there is a possibility that you might not have a strong case for sexual misconduct because of that video of what would seem like drunken revelry(the fact that you were not in your senses and that it was not completely consensual might not be properly considered here). But you do have them for distribution. A lawyer or somebody more familiar with the law needs to chime in here.

But we need to handle this very carefully as I'm not sure how much damage you are going to take when the management finds out about this. Also your home University.

Edit: Is your aim punishing the boys or just leaving this whole thing behind you?

[–]refugefirstmate 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Is your aim punishing the boys or just leaving this whole thing behind you?

Let me guess....

[–]D_D_DUDEDJ wale babu mere gana baja do 65ポイント66ポイント  (3子コメント)

File a complaint against those who recorded and distributed the video. Distribution is illegal.

[–]SweetSweetInternetIconoclast 15ポイント16ポイント  (2子コメント)

Doesn't matter, Her problem is perception of people about her. It's right about making people more open minded.

[–]parlor_tricks 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Taking a case out is the best response. Shows you have nothing to hide, aren't scared, and can fight back.

Plus the better the lawyer you hire, the more fatuous everyone is around you.

It's not a cure, but it is a step.

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

both need addressing. distribution the video was illegal and can be addressed directly by going to cyber-cell. but there could be a problem going to cyber-cell if they decide to blame her and not take her case seriously.

the social perception is a deeper problem. and i'm not sure what she can do to address that. because if she brings it up on public fora, more people might shun because they are being called out publicly.

[–]avatarredditCrossing the moral line of no return 44ポイント45ポイント  (40子コメント)

I don't see any way out except trying to get a job at another university. These videos spread like wildfire, you might get fired when it reaches the admin or someone complains, better move along before that. We are pretty regressive, the concept of consent (as you understand it) will be laughed at by the majority. No one is going to care about the guys, people think "boys will be boys". Upload your resume in one of the online job finding sites, I believe there must be a good market for a European educator, maybe settle for a lesser pay.

[–]SiriusLeeSamSunny Leone bhakt 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

This is the best bet for OP

[–]rasgulla 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

I just put myself in your situation and definitely I would resign. But I like to think that if I had half the balls I would come out publicly, make facebook post, or if there's a public event in the campus like a feat that allows addressing to everyone publicly, I would write a speech detailing the incident and proving my innocence. It sucks that people think you're indecent but what sucks more is that they don't know the whole truth, that you were trying so hard to be accepted by India that you had your advantage taken of, and that's something that those people should know. Your life has already taken a turn for the worst, I wouldn't be hesitant to risk some more by owning it publicly if it had any chance whatsoever of regaining acceptance from your peers.

Funny thing is, I really hope this is a troll this time.

[–]refugefirstmate -2ポイント-1ポイント  (0子コメント)

that you were trying so hard to be accepted by India that you had your advantage taken of,

"Trying so hard" by going to a nightclub and getting plastered? okay

[–]jerkandletjerk 7ポイント8ポイント  (10子コメント)

The video had scenes were two of the students grab and bite my boobs. The video showed me laughing while they did it but I wasn't fully in my senses so it wasn't meant to be consensual.

Not that I don't trust you OP, but things just don't directly escalate to people grabbing and biting your boobs and you giggling while that's happening, especially if they are your students. You had a lot of time to think about what was expected out of you professionally. Shit like this is the reason guidelines exist.

Yes, the students were at fault too, but they were undergrads, what do you expect from a bunch of horny undergrads? To contemplate on the ethical arguemnts of the issue of drunk consent and ignore their hormonal impulses in the face of a hot foreign teacher smiling when you bite her boobs? Where in the world has that happened? I'm not excusing their behaviour, but I doubt many people understand these nuances at that age and maturity.

Doesn't matter if you were in America or Europe, if you as a teacher get drunk enough with your own students that they grab and bite your boobs, that is going to be a huge deal.

I do not consider their act itself as a 'public sexual assault'. You were drinking with them, and things escalated progressively. This was non-professional on the part of you as well as those students, but it wasn't rape. If I am drinking with a girl and she is smiling when I grab her boobs, I am going to take it as consent, especially since I am going to be drunk too. The logic that drunk people suddenly can not give consent is a dangerous one, because it completely throws the blame on the less vulnerable person and brands them as a rapist while completely prudifying the more vulnerable person in spite of their possible initial consent.

Yes, the distribution of the video part was absolutely unacceptable, and you should file charges against the boys for that. Nothing excuses this.

As for the weird looks from the community, I am willing to bet that you would have got them in any country, even western, developed ones. We all do stupid things when we are drunk, but we also have the power to choose when Not to Drink precisely for this reason.

[–]refugefirstmate 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you for saying so eloquently what I've been trying to communicate.

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (8子コメント)

Yes, the students were at fault too, but they were undergrads, what do you expect from a bunch of horny undergrads

that sounds like OP is more at fault. is that what you're saying?

how is OP at fault at all?

[–]jerkandletjerk [スコア非表示]  (4子コメント)

You're right, OP was not at fault at all.

OP was totally right by deciding to go on a drinking spree with her own undergrad students and drink so much that she didn't mind them touching and biting on her boobs AND giggle as they did it. Yeah. Totally their fault, they should have known that she is not consenting, bloody rapists.

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (3子コメント)

oh so you're saying OP is at fault more than the boys?

[–]jerkandletjerk [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

Absolute and positively yes. My only blame on them is that they took videos and shared them, that was totally wrong. They did not rape her, they did defame her later.

Imagine you're sitting and calmly drinking with a group of barely 20 year old boys. You're talking about Thermodynamics and Statistics and then whoops, they're grabbing your tits and biting on them as you dance! And you think, "Well, whaddayu know! I'll just be gigglin' now, cuz I can't tell them to stop can I?" Things don't happen this way in real life. OP's story is incomplete, and skewed by her later reflections on the event, she was obviously enjoying the attention and having fun (there's nothing wrong with enjoying it, by the way, other than the fact that they were her students and she was at a risk of precisely such problems later.)

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

So in a nutshell you say: Boys will be boys.

Good going. You uphold the closely held beliefs of senior politicians and social "leaders".

No, don't say anything about the boys because they are entitled to do whatever the fuck they please with any object they please, because their parents and their society consisting of people like you did not discipline them and gave them full leeway to do whatever the fuck they want.

[–]jerkandletjerk [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

You are treating the woman as a child by not respecting her decision and ability to give consent while blaming the boys for not acting properly when they were in the exact same drunken situation.

In a nutshell, you're saying that Girls are babies whose ability to give consent is so weak that a few pegs of beer turns them into little children who are not responsible for their decisions.

because their parents and their society consisting of people like you

bitch, please.

[–]Dograge [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

Not for the video, but it sounds like she was a willing participant in what her students did. When was the last time "I was drunk" was used to excuse unprofessional behaviour?

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

i agree it is unprofessional behaviour, as i myself mentioned in another post here. my point is, to only blame OP is short-sighted. out of control boys, all the people shunning her, they too share blame.

[–]Dograge [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Drunk or not no one with any class is going to be groping and biting breasts out in public so yes on the students. But the people shunning her, given her actions they can see her as being a bad influence on their students, which is a valid concern. After all she was the one in a position of authority.

[–]haf-haf 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I am not sure if you are Armenian but anyway

Հնդկաստանը ապահով երկիր չի, մանավանդ երբ նման իրավիճակում ես հայտնվել։ Ընդհանրապես, օտարազգի կանանց նկատմամբ սեռական ոտնձգությունները բավականին հաճախ են լինում։ Անգամ եթե քո հանդեպ սեռական բռնություն լինի, այդ վիդեոից հետո չի բացառվում որ ոստիկանությունը նորմալ չարձագանքի։ Խորհուրդ կտամ տեղափոխվես այլ երկիր կամ առնվազն ուրիշ քաղաք։ Չնայած ուրիշ քաղաք տեղափոխվելը դժվար թե օգնի։ Եթե խնդիրներ ծագեն, կապնվիր Հայաստանի դեսպանություն։ Կարևորը զգույշ եղիր։

[–]SiriusLeeSamSunny Leone bhakt 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Google translate says: India is a safe country, especially when such a situation to arise. Generally, foreign women are often subjected to sexual harassment. Even if you happen to sexual violence, the police have not ruled out the video after the normally respond. I would advise you move to another country, or at least another town. Although hardly moving to another city for help. If problems arise, kapnvir Embassy of Armenia. It's important to be careful.

[–]I_Like_Pink_Tops 4ポイント5ポイント  (3子コメント)

Just out of curiosity, how do you "verify" these type of posts, mods?

Asking because of the "Unverified" tag.

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

great question. and why is it only some of such posts get the Unverified tag and not others? what are the criteria?

[–]pseudoalpha 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Try to move to another city.

[–]januaryfan 8ポイント9ポイント  (3子コメント)

The video went viral and I started receiving perverted whatsapp messages along with a few slut shaming comments from anonymous numbers. Someone is spreading rumors about how I and women from where I am from sell their "fair skinned meat" to rich businessmen. When I go to campus now, I get weird stares from both faculty and students. Boys whistle and re-act my dancing when I pass the corridor. Some of them have this lecherous look in their faces. I just got used to ignoring all of that. During classes someone would play the club song and giggle. I pretend to act as if those students from the club don't exist. I tried to play cool about it and divert the topic. This is getting awkward and uncomfortable as days go by. I am on sick leave now.

Nah, troll bait.

[–]PIE314 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

"""till I can transfer to Europe"""

yea looks fake ... only indians use 'till' instead of 'until'

[–]HairyBlighter 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

What? I doubt that's true. Besides why would you expect Armenians to speak American English? Maybe she got to practice her English only after coming to India. So she's more used to Indian English.

[–]SweetSweetInternetIconoclast 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

<Insert slow clap gif here >

For me it was

The pay was very good.

[–]neurothym 3ポイント4ポイント  (6子コメント)

I lived in Europe and had interactions with plenty of people from different cultures.

What the boys did here - grabbing your boobs and filming and distributing the video was highly wrong on many levels because you were drunk and this amounts to a breach of privacy the video part.

But having said that, no one in their right mind would go drinking with their students in any part of the world and even if they do, they won't dance with them. Just imagine what message you were trying to give to them? It may have been highly possible that you were leading them on for them to be able to dance with you and then have the comfort levels for them to place their hands on your boobs! So this is not cultural sensitivity in not just India but in any part of the world.

The video distribution part I'd really bad though. No one can do that without your express permission - either written or oral. And nobody has rights to your personal life. Nobody should care what you do in your personal life But here again you have acted irresponsibly by engaging your own students with drinks. You should have said a straight no there itself and minded your own business.

This shit is delicate because wrongs have happened on both the sides. If I were you I'd move out of the university.

[–]refugefirstmate 1ポイント2ポイント  (5子コメント)

But having said that, no one in their right mind would go drinking with their students in any part of the world and even if they do, they won't dance with them. Just imagine what message you were trying to give to them? It may have been highly possible that you were leading them on for them to be able to dance with you and then have the comfort levels for them to place their hands on your boobs! So this is not cultural sensitivity in not just India but in any part of the world.

Exactly. What teacher in his/her right mind, anywhere, fraternizes with his/her students - for exactly this reason?

[–]RajaRajaC/r/Indiapolicy 3ポイント4ポイント  (2子コメント)

I don't know, but my Grad school profs always grabbed a drink or two on the weekends with us. We never did bite their boobs and we were all 30+ but still, it is a casual thing.

[–]refugefirstmate 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

"A drink or two". Not "hang out in a club and get so drunk that when somebody does something offensive to you, you laugh".

[–]neurothym 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

She needs a thorough reality check! Can't transfer blame just like that.

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

well she wouldb't be transferring blame for a video someone else distributed without her consent.

[–]liall 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

  1. Dont let it get to you.
  2. Play cool please.
  3. Dont let some perverts ruin your career.

[–]theguywhoreadsbooks 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Distribution of such videos is illegal. You can register a case. Police will probably ask you to settle the matter without involvement of courts, and you should do that. It would take centuries for the courts to process this case.

[–]wanderingmindI enjoy being called unkil 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

You will not get over this easily. Perceptions can't be fixed.

Here is what I suggest:

File a case.

Cops will ask you to settle the case. (You are not really keen on a fight and punishing them, so let's not go there.)

Settle for a significant amount of money that covers your future salary in India.

Take the money and go away.

[–]SmokingSlothI know! I dont want your spelling lessons! 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

You don't get drunk with students. You don't get drunk with people you don't know outside work environments. This is for all women in India. If you were an Indian, they would still shame you saying people from "that region" or "surname" act that way.

That being said,

(a) Move out to a different university/state. (b) Consult a lawyer. I don't know how supportive your administration of your university will be if you sue their students/faculty. (c) Get pepper spray, if they come close even to ask a question, take it out. Display clearly that you dislike their presence. Protect yourself. (d) If you are a foreigner, you should chose to be at places where the mentality is more open and relatively better. Like cities and preferably not where there is extensive influence of regressive practices. (e) Thank you for being brave and trying to figure out how to work this out, giving India a chance. I am an Indian, and like most educated Indians, I don't give India a chance. It's majory populated by such people, so the only way to survive is to surround yourself with good people or leave the nation. (f) Be strong, consult an NGO, someone will soon believe or trust your innocense (if you are), and will support you. The thing about India is, you will great examples of both sides of the humannity meter. Stay away from guys for a while now, even if it gives you emotional comfort.

I am really sorry for you OP. I personally dont advise anyone to visit India because of the trash we raise as humans. The only way to survive is to learn the local culture and protect yourself.

But the local culture is quite complicated, and hence it is not easy for anyone to learn that easily either. Sigh

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (3子コメント)

This is for all women in India.

So it's ok for men to get drunk with people you don't know outside work environments? also, isn't it career suicide for any person to get drunk with potential rivals in a professioanl setting?

If you were an Indian, they would still shame you saying people from "that region" or "surname" act that way.

they won't do that if you're a man? for a man it's ok to get drunk, because he won't get shamed?

[–]SmokingSlothI know! I dont want your spelling lessons! [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

No, men just beat each other up in case of such controversies, and people don't bother about men's character as much as they do with women's. It is crap, I know, but the way of resolving the two is practically different :/ IMO the 'average' indian male is not mature enough to understand that both genders can get drunk/smoke/pot and behave with reduced sensibilities. Hence we face all this clusterfuck ideologies.

By your logic, even professional drinking any partying is dangerous regadless of gender, but people indulge in it, for what ever reasons.

A teacher cannot think of her student(s) as potential professional rivals, nor could she call them people she "did not know". It would be at best described as awkward to immoral by observing parties, if the environment is not open or clear.

Don't go all feminism on me here, I am just stating the sorry state of society. I take extra care in respecting boundries and try protecting others' upon chemical influense when in mixed company. But that's not how everyone thinks.

[–]ek_ladki [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

By your logic, even professional drinking any partying is dangerous regadless of gender, but people indulge in it, for what ever reasons.

No. What is lost on you is that to only caution women is childish nonsense. Grow up.

[–]SmokingSlothI know! I dont want your spelling lessons! [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Oh great one! Thank you for your advise. I don't know how to act old....i've never been this old before!!

[–]niksad8 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh this is a mess. But I am really sorry I really don't see this ending well. Let's look at your options. 1. You ignore the boys. Can work they will be graduating and then you will be introduced to a new set of students. But I am sure they will hear about this clip from seniors and the cycle will continue. 2. Stand up to the boys you can tell them to back off. But I really don't know what kind of leg will stand on. It's not going to change midsets much and they might just take it as empty threats. You can get a few people who will sympathise with you and threaten them but this might lead them escalating the situation and telling the management . 3. Change universities but your past can catch up with you. 4. Quit post your version on facebook and leave the country.

I am sorry for sounding so low. But in our society or in many societies teachers are akin to God we idolize teachers here as knowledge givers and people we hold up to when we graduate. If you fail that people will think you are devil in sheep's skin and treat you like that.

Is it right? No but that's the world we live in.

In your situation if you look for legal alternatives the parents of those boys will fall down hard on you like a pile of bricks. In our society you will not find much sympathy.

[–]Gandi_bath 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

OP, You need to move jobs.

The issue is that your response to being groped/bitten was to laugh. Instead if you had pushed them away, you would be viewed in a totally different light.

Everyone one of us has gotten drunk among colleagues and done/said some dumb shit.

The line you crossed was that of a teacher/student. And you also fed the teacher fantasy for a lot of hormonal kids.

Time to move on.... there are always other mis/adventures to be had elsewhere.