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Advice for a struggling first mate? (self.RedPillWomen)

TheIncredibleHulkomb が 投稿

My SO and I started living together a few months ago and it's been great...until recently. We work in the same profession as teachers and we both coach. This means a lot of late nights and early mornings. Between work, coaching, going to the gym, and grading, household things sometimes fall to the wayside. I try to do certain things everyday like clean the kitchen and sweep, but sometimes I don't get home until 9 pm and then we just want to go to bed. My captain doesn't help with any of the chores, which becomes even more frustrating because he'll frequently complain that I spend all weekend cleaning and we never get to do things. I often want to tell him that if he helped, we could do more on weekends, but the last time he said he'd do a chore, it went days without being done and I had to do it anyway. I want to be able to do it all, but there's never enough time or energy. How can I manage?

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[–]_wingnut_2 Endorsed Contributor 23ポイント24ポイント  (3子コメント)

Right, this is why both parties aren't supposed to work like that.

[–]TheIncredibleHulkomb[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

We're saving for a down payment so that we can buy a house in the next two years. Coaching gives us extra money. And teaching requires a lot of time anyway.

[–]HearTheRaven 13ポイント14ポイント  (0子コメント)

Have you analyzed the trade-offs?

  1. Let's assume you stopped coaching, or cut back enough that you could do the housework during the day without feeling like you're dying. Assuming no other financial changes, how long would it take for you to save enough for the down payment?

  2. If you cut back or stopped, what would you be saving money on? Maybe you cook more and don't eat out as much. Maybe you don't spend as much on your car and on gasoline. You get the idea

You do your analysis, and conclude that stopping or cutting back would result in making your down payment in 3 years rather than 2.

If that enables you to keep a clean, happy household, would it be worth it?

[–]frozen_strawberryEndorsed Woman 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

Maybe you need to reevaluate your priorities because it seems like it's not working out great for you.

[–]coffee__ 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

I once had a similar situation and the advice I got (here) was to let it go a bit with the cleaning and learn to live with things being a little messy if it means not hounding my SO to do chores.

Also, even on a week when I do basically no chores all week and it piles up, it only takes me one day to do laundry, dishes, straighten up, sweeping and grocery shopping.

[–]blondie_brownie1 Endorsed Contributor 6ポイント7ポイント  (2子コメント)

If the problems are actually time and energy, then you should just pay someone to clean weekly or bi-weekly. Yes, you might be spending extra money, but your home will be clean (makes you happy) and you'll have time to do things on the weekends (makes him happy). I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc in my house. My husband's only responsibility was lawn care. After several weeks of it going undone (he's very busy, and also doesn't want to spend his weekends doing lawn work), I asked him if we could just hire someone to do it. Yes, we're paying for a service we could do ourselves. But, it makes us both happier, and saves us time and frustration.

[–]CoochQuarantine 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

I have a cleaner come by once a month to deep clean and I love it. I spend $100 for it. My coworker spends $50 every two weeks but he has a smaller place so he can have someone come out biweekly.

I am decidedly happier because I despise cleaning. I keep things tidy and it isn't like the dishes don't get done or laundry for that matter. But the major things like dusting/mopping/deep cleaning kitchen/windows etc are done by someone else. It is one of the cheapest luxuries to have and I don't see why a lot more people don't do it. Especially if you have both people working a lot. Then your life just becomes work/clean/work/clean.... Would you rather have a happy home or a clean home? Why not both?

[–]crapshack 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

This has worked tremendously well for us as well. Keeping my full salary (and sanity) is worth $120 a month. In addition to having more free time, I can do things like wash drapes and organize cabinets, which were previously neglected when I was spending my Saturdays scrubbing the toilet.

[–]KelIy_C 12ポイント13ポイント  (0子コメント)

The issue is that he values making fun memories and spending time with you more than he values having a clean house, whereas you value having a clean house more than going out on the weekends. Neither of you is cosmically wrong in some way, but here's one way to look at it: in 10 years will you remember the fun outings and adventures you went on together, or the shiny counters and mopped floors your house had?

[–]cats_or_get_outEndorsed Woman 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

I have been there! Teaching can suck the life out of you. I think the key to sanity is to do less. Even if you continue teaching and coaching, you can still put limits on the amount of energy you invest (especially emotional energy).

During my last year of teaching, I got pregnant, and the monstrous first trimester fatigue forced me to scale back. Instead of aiming to be the best teacher, I aimed for "good enough." You know happened? Nothing really changed. My "good enough" in the classroom is still pretty awesome. I put limits on the amount of time I would spend on creating lesson plans and grading papers. If I didn't finish that day, then oh well. I didn't realize how much of my life it was eating.

Watch out for roommate mode. He's your captain, not a roommate with benefits. Take your problem to him. Let him work on developing a strategy and a battle rhythm. Support his plan in full faith (i.e., no "naysaying" unless it's a unethical plan like "kidnap a servant to clean the house"). If it doesn't pan out, let him figure it out.

Meanwhile, don't build resentment. If you see dirty dishes, wash them. Don't add the thought, "Why do I always have to wash the dishes?" Just wash the dishes and move on. I sense a bit of disappointment/frustration in your post, and I think if you go down that road, you will be unhappy.

[–]TempestTcup10 Endorsed Contributor 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

I try to do certain things everyday like clean the kitchen and sweep

I spend all weekend cleaning

Other than dishes and a quick swipe of the counters and stove, how long does this take? I don't really notice if the floor hasn't been swept on a couple of days, but we don't drop stuff much. Maybe cut it down to once or twice a week?

What are you doing that takes all weekend? This seems excessive for only two people. Perhaps you should change your priorities from having a spotless house to spending more quality time relaxing and having fun with your SO, and buy some of the lesser expensive time-saving products (like Swiffer etc) to cut down on the amount of time spent.

My captain doesn't help with any of the chores

He doesn't do any chores? Or he doesn't do chores to the extent that you do? Look around and see if there's anything he does that you don't notice, or if he's doing different types of chores than you.

I want to be able to do it all

Quit trying to do it all, relax, and enjoy your life. There's no driving need to buy a house in the next two years; you've only been living together for a few months. An extra year isn't going to put a damper on things, or maybe look at getting more of a starter home or a fixer-upper.

You are stressing yourself out trying to "do it all" if the tone of this post is any indication; you are probably stressing him out too.

[–]StingrayVCEndorsed Woman 5ポイント6ポイント  (2子コメント)

"SO. I would like to do X with you this weekend. Will you please help me clean so we have time?"

[–]KelIy_C 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Do we know that he actually cares about keeping the house clean to her own personal specific level of preference, though? Nothing in the OP mentions him being bothered by a reasonable mess, which probably isn't that bad since she has cleaning people come through and it's only a two person household. I have noticed that many people expect everyone around them to accept their own personal level of cleanliness as normal and go out of their way to maintain it. If he isn't bothered by leaving clutter around and wants to go out, why should she hold him hostage until the place meets her personal tastes, when she could just relax about it? Now if he were complaining about the house being messy, while also complaining about her choosing to clean over spending time with him; that would be a different scenario. But the OP doesn't seem to indicate that that's happening.

[–]StingrayVCEndorsed Woman 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I agree with you. It's just that a lot of women come here, are bothered by something their SO does and they don't ask for help. She mentioned that she's asked him to do specific things that she ends up doing anyway, but did she really? Or was it one of those oh so subtle hints that we women are so good at.

Yes, if her SO doesn't care about the mess like she does, she should relax about it. Spending a whole weekend cleaning for two people seems crazy. But I always wonder, did the woman ever just straight up ask? (Which is not forcing anyone. It's a yes or no question).