jump to content
my subreddits
more »
Want to join? Log in or sign up in seconds.|
[-]
use the following search parameters to narrow your results:
subreddit:subreddit
find submissions in "subreddit"
author:username
find submissions by "username"
site:example.com
find submissions from "example.com"
url:text
search for "text" in url
selftext:text
search for "text" in self post contents
self:yes (or self:no)
include (or exclude) self posts
nsfw:yes (or nsfw:no)
include (or exclude) results marked as NSFW
e.g. subreddit:aww site:imgur.com dog
this post was submitted on
856 points (87% upvoted)
shortlink:
reset password

relationshipsRelationships

subscribeunsubscribe369,454 readers
5,474 users here now
Filter Posts :
Or, Message The Moderators for all other information.

/r/Relationships is a subreddit for asking specific questions about any aspect related to your relationship.
Post anything that is relevant to your current relationship that you want to discuss. Make sure that it's a question, which will invite answers and offerings.

Rules for posting to /r/Relationships

  • This sub is about helping people in need - If you are not providing such help (i.e. abuse, meta arguments, pointless tangents), your comments may be removed. Please report comments that you feel are in violation of these guidelines to keep discussions constructive.
  • Please read the Wiki before posting or commenting.
  • Ages, genders and relationship length required!
  • Spelling, grammar, and readability count!
  • Include a TL;DR! - a brief summary at the end of your post. No "See title".
  • No gift suggestion posts, polls, or general questions
  • No photos, links, or videos
  • No requests for legal advice!
  • Please don't feed the trolls or request proof. Use the report button instead!
  • Do not repost removed material It was removed for a reason.
  • Crossposting other people's material will result in an instaban.
  • Most importantly, abuse, bigotry, misogyny, misandry and encouraging violence are not tolerated in our community and will result in a ban. We ask for basic respect for everyone here. Warnings are not given! Don't be rude.
  • Assign proper flair!
    • Relationships -issues in ongoing romantic relationships.
    • Infidelity -issues of suspected or actual cheating.
    • Breakups -break-ups and any issues with your exes.
    • Dating -new people in your life, crushes, unclear relationships, or things shorter than 1 month.
    • Updates -"UPDATE" needs to be in the title. Link to the previous post. Original post cannot be on the front page. The update needs to be about the solution. Multiple updates will be removed if not seeking advice.
    • Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems.
    • Non-Romantic -issues with family, friends, or coworkers.
Posts or comments that do not follow these requirements are subject to removal or locking.

☰ Related subreddits

a community for
Use the FAQ link at top to familiarize yourself about community. Please review the posting guidelines in the sidebar at right before submitting.
▲
855
856
857
▼
submitted by Throwaway26683
I am 37/M, we’ve been married for 12 years. My wife “Jason” transitioned FtM about three years ago. Jason is comfortable with calling him my “wife” and he has not undergone any genital reassignment surgery but has been taking testosterone for a little over three years now. We have two children, 13/M and 10/F.
Jason came out to me as transgender three years ago telling me right off of the bat that I could stay and respect his decision or leave but the decision to transition was non-negotiable. Through a little discussion, I informed him that I would accept the physical changes - the clothes, the hairstyles, the testosterone but would not feel comfortable with genital reassignment surgery because I still wanted to be intimate with my wife. Jason has begrudgingly accepted this. Our sex life is minimal at best, but alas this isn’t a /r/deadbedrooms post.
Initially everything was going great. I loved seeing the joy return to Jason that I haven’t seen since we were teenagers. I supported him while his wardrobe changed, he learned how to shave his face, and began trying to figure out the best male hairstyle to don. However, Jason has become increasingly more frustrating to be around and has made his trans-dom into what appears to be the only facet of his personality.
It’s all Jason talks about anymore. Literally no conversation can be had that isn’t circling back to something regarding gender or sex. He feels personally slighted at all times if someone does not get his gender right (he does not exactly “pass” all the time). His voice is still higher pitched. Jason meets a new person and after exchanging handshakes the first question out of his mouth is “What pronouns do you prefer we use?” no matter who it is - even when he met my new boss at a company Christmas party. Jason has “called out” random strangers in line at the grocery store for talking about Caitlyn Jenner “inappropriately.” He created a huge scene at a restaurant when he went to the men’s restroom when he perceived one of the other men in there making a comment about him. He regularly wears shirts with “Fuck the CIS-tem” no matter where we’re going. His facebook is nothing but trans, trans, trans. He has forbidden us from association with certain long time friends because he has deemed them to be “TERFs.” It’s to the point where I am humiliated to bring him around anyone or go out in public with him.
He has also become increasingly more political in other ways - his feminism is so extreme that he says things like “If you’re not pro-fat, you can’t be a feminist, you’re a misogynist.” If you question him and try to have a respectful conversation and you happen to disagree - you’re transphobic, homophobic, racist, misogynist, etc. If there’s an opportunity for an argument, he’ll jump on it. It’s exhausting to be around him. He declares disagreements a “violence” against him, posts dramatic posts on Facebook about how his people are getting murdered left and right and he’s scared to leave his home. Perhaps I am jaded, but I look at things that are happening elsewhere in the world and just can’t help myself from thinking less of my wife for acting like we live in a warzone.
Worse enough, I feel like he’s pressuring and trying to persuade our children into living the same or similar lifestyle that he’s chosen. Out of nowhere, our daughter has declared she is pansexual and our son has declared he is gay. Jason is encouraging our son to date a girl in his class to use as a “beard” to conceal his gayness even though it will clearly hurt her feelings. Jason’s rationale is that it’s fine if our son hurts her because “they’re in middle school and she’ll get over it, [son]’s safety is more important than a cis girl’s feelings.”
I miss the wife I married 12 years ago who was funny, articulate, charming and incredibly sharp. She is highly educated and I miss the woman who I could joke around with, have good spirited debates and discuss issues with calmly without it resorting to something related to gender/sex (even when it has nothing to do with it!). I was willing to accept the transition, I feel like I have done a very good job respecting the use of male pronouns and the name he chose for himself, and I have done everything I can to be supportive. However, even if I slip up I am chastised so heavily because he takes it as a personal attack against himself. I have tried to approach conversations with him but it often leaves me feeling shut down because I am “transphobic.”
So Reddit, is this a marriage that can be saved? Am I being insensitive? Has anyone else gone through a similar situation that they can share some perspective on? Are there support groups out there for spouses of transgender people?
TLDR - my wife has made his trans identity the forefront of his existence. He embarrasses me in public and is uncomfortable to be around. I don't know if I am being inconsiderate.
This post is locked.
This post is locked.
Just read-only and No further participation
all 158 comments
▲
▼
[–]D-redditAvenger 842 points843 points844 points  (18 children)
Dude you wife is gone. It is OK to move on this doesn't make you a bad person.
▲
▼
[–]Throwaway26683[S] 208 points209 points210 points  (17 children)
I just cannot fathom not coming home to my kids every day. There's no way I would get sole custody. Jason makes good money for himself, isn't physically abusive, and they both love spending time with their mom. And I wouldn't want to keep my kids from their mom either.
▲
▼
[–]OneTwoWee000 102 points103 points104 points  (0 children)
This is so sad. I get it, you want to stay a family. But your spouse has drastically changed personality.
It's better for you and the kids to have retreat so they don't have to stay in Jason-land 100% of the time. The judge will likely grant joint custody if you ask for it.
▲
▼
[–]dump_cake 250 points251 points252 points  (6 children)
It sounds like neither of you is abusive (though your spouse is horribly misguided on using other people), so the absolute worst-case scenario that you are looking at likely is joint custody. Again, I'd contact a lawyer and start asking questions.
▲
▼
[–]xManwaxeRx 209 points210 points211 points  (5 children)
Strong arming people and intimidating them to agree with your opnions and silence their own is abusive. I honestly think OP needs to move out and take the kids with him, especislly because he is transitioning.
I dont see how Jason could be a good parent at this point and time when he is being so incredibly obnoxious and tell his son its ok wo use women to hide your sexuality.
It really seems like the way that Jason is going through his transition has ended their marriage, ended their friendship and has actually began ti jeopardize their children by enforcing poor behavior.
I agree with you though. Joint custody is the best option for the children at this point becUse its clear that the conflict between you both will only make things worse for you and your kids.
▲
▼
[–]dump_cake 51 points52 points53 points  (2 children)
I happen to agree with you and your POV.
Unfortunately, because courts deal so often with the extremes of human behavior, I'm not sure it will be seen that way. Even the worst case scenario is not so bad, though.
▲
▼
[–]dump_cake 618 points619 points620 points  (10 children)
Jason is encouraging our son to date a girl in his class to use as a “beard” to conceal his gayness even though it will clearly hurt her feelings. Jason’s rationale is that it’s fine if our son hurts her because “they’re in middle school and she’ll get over it, [son]’s safety is more important than a cis girl’s feelings.”
With all due respect, right around here is when the misogyny and general douchebaggery got to a level where, if I was in your situation, I'd be packing up the kids and leaving as well as calling a divorce lawyer.
Transition is a massive, massive stress on a relationship ... most relationships don't survive transition simply because it alters the relationship paradigm so enormously that it forces each partner to reevaluate nearly everything.
For example, I was once friends with two ladies who were in a lesbian relationship. When one lady transitioned to a man, it forced the two to reevaluate themselves and the relationship did not survive. The non-transitioning partner later told me that she is a lesbian and she has a lot of her identity wrapped up in being a lesbian; therefore, being in a relationship with a trans man was too "straight" for her and she couldn't deal. I see a lot of shades of this in your post, OP.
Bottom line: I think you need to seriously think about whether you can be in a relationship with a man (an, apparently, misogynistic man). Your wife is not a wife any longer ... your wife is dead. You now have a husband. Think about that. Are you comfortable moving forward knowing that you are married to a man? Because that is your reality now, and it's time to face this.
▲
▼
[–]Throwaway26683[S] 259 points260 points261 points  (9 children)
When Jason said that our son should date a girl for safety, it spawned a really huge fight between the two of us. He then proceeded, after storming out of the house, to post on Facebook to "poll" his friends to see if it was a good idea for our son to date a girl "for safety." It alarmed me to see a dozen people chime in and agree with him. The one or two people that disagreed got shouted down, and one woman even got blocked.
I try so hard not to think of Jason as my husband. Outside of this post I haven't said "wife" so many times in months. I just keep hoping that somehow the person, however they identify, would come back. That things would level out. Maybe it's the T he's on and once things normalize, the person I fell in love with would come back. I could deal with masculinity. Jason was always built a little more... boorishly(??) than the average woman but it's this incredibly shift in personality that I just cannot handle anymore.
Thank god for throwaways because I've never uttered any of these words in any capacity.
▲
▼
[–]dump_cake 126 points127 points128 points  (1 child)
No judgment here, man. Like I said, transitions are super-stressful simply because that's their nature. You can't help but reevaluate everything because a transition kind of forces your hand on that.
I could pick up on some of your reticence in the post. Again, it's super-crystal-clear that you loved your wife. However, your wife as you knew her is not coming back. Hormones are serious business, and there will come a point (maybe with a hysterectomy, maybe sooner?) where you will be forced to face this through the changes that hormones inevitably bring about. There's no time like the present to address this now.
▲
▼
[–][deleted]  (1 child)
[removed]
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Unshavenhelga 945 points946 points947 points  (6 children)
    “they’re in middle school and she’ll get over it, [son]’s safety is more important than a cis girl’s feelings
    He's a misogynist himself.Dump him before he hurts your family.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]YesILeftHisAss2398 161 points162 points163 points  (2 children)
    our son has declared he is gay. Jason is encouraging our son to date a girl in his class to use as a “beard” to conceal his gayness even though it will clearly hurt her feelings. Jason’s rationale is that it’s fine if our son hurts her because “they’re in middle school and she’ll get over it, [son]’s safety is more important than a cis girl’s feelings.”
    Uh, to me, this kinda says that maybe, just maybe, your spouse did this to you. And encouraging your son do it to someone else shows what was originally thought of you and that you arent valued, you were just used. It doesnt appear to me you have a partner at all anymore, and your purpose is to toe the line. Your partner has become a nasty, hurtful, selfish, bad person. Your opinions, morals, values and expectations no longer matter. You are to be supportive of whatever is expected and stop existing outside of the demands of a very bad person.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]the-incredible-ape 263 points264 points265 points  (10 children)
    This situation is so stark that I'm not sure if it's a troll or what.
    Have you talked to Jason on even, firm terms about how his extreme political attitudes (and constant bandying of them) is problematic for you? It sounds like you're constantly being shut down.
    You need to make it clear that while you support his positions (clearly you have been supportive), he's turning into an insufferable ass by looking for opportunities to inject political arguments into every situation. This may involve yelling, I dunno. Regardless of the merits of the cause, nobody wants to be around someone who never shuts up about a given topic (ANY topic), less so if accusations and recriminations come along with it.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Throwaway26683[S] 123 points124 points125 points  (8 children)
    I really wish I'm trolling. I ended up picking the most extreme situations to hopefully paint the clearest picture but perhaps I should go back and make some edits. I wrote this earlier today and am just now posting it but it was spawned by a specific instance of Jason going off on a mutual friend of ours for expressing frustration about "biological women are being pushed out of feminism." It turned into such an awkward Facebook fight that I ended up unfollowing my wife on Facebook.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]the-incredible-ape 85 points86 points87 points  (5 children)
    Yeah, I mean... passion about a good cause is admirable. Obsession and forcing it down everyone's throat within arm's reach is not. You have to make Jason understand he's being inappropriate. Unfortunately it sounds like he has the zeal of someone who believes they have a firm grip on Ultimate Moral Truth and won't be dissuaded by anything but death itself.
    Just make sure he knows that he's trading overzealous political activism for his family life and relationships, and see if that makes any impression on him.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Throwaway26683[S] 60 points61 points62 points  (4 children)
    It's just so hard because I am not political. I'm just not. I care, but I just feel so overwhelmed with information out there that it feels so hard to ever know the truth. I never feel adequately prepared to discuss anything at length because I often don't feel like I know what I'm talking about. I'm more introverted and shy than anything. I try to actively participate and support Jason beyond not putting up a fight for things that make him feel comfortable, but I am just absolutely out of my element.
    That last line is a good point to make. I'm scared to make it though, but I need to stop being so beta here and nut up.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]the-incredible-ape 47 points48 points49 points  (0 children)
    I need to stop being so beta here and nut up.
    Yep. I mean, he will try to make it about the content of his beliefs being righteous, but that's not the point at all and I wouldn't allow him to derail the discussion that way.
    This is about him being inappropriately obsessed with a topic to the point that it significantly degrades your relationship and quality of life.
    There are people that get obsessed with model trains or Star Trek or you name it. And their marriages are also wrecked as a result. No different, except that he undoubtedly feels extra-justified in his behavior due to the nature of the cause.
    I have a friend who is really passionate about Israel getting out of Palestine. He posts on FB about 10 times a day with really aggressive posts about it. Guess what, I stopped following him. I don't even disagree with him, I just couldn't handle being harangued about the same thing over and over. You just can't win people over that way.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]really-i-care 116 points117 points118 points  (2 children)
    Sure enough there are fuck the cis-tem shirts. You could replace Jason's interests with being Vegan, being part of the tea party, or remembering his high school football days but making that everything around them. Those things are fine on their own, but when dragging others into it people just want to stay away. I avoid going places with one family member because she bashes Obama so inappropriately. We get tortilla chips--she rants about Obama and liberals.
    I wish I knew what to tell you, but it sounds like he has become so self absorbed and narcissistic that this will be impossible to fix.
    Did he ever do this with other topics?
    You do sound like an awesome husband. I don't know how many men who would stick around after a transition.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Throwaway26683[S] 54 points55 points56 points  (1 child)
    Jason has always been a very passionate person and it was initially what drew me to him when we first met. But the passions were very spread out and it didn't feel like there was... a bull, or something, storming around all the time. And back in the day Jason didn't get offended if you disagreed or just didn't actively have interest in whatever was important to him.
    But thank you for your kind words. I really am trying here and I need to know if I'm in the wrong because I am prepared to kick myself into gear if I am unreasonable.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]black_rose_raven 31 points32 points33 points  (0 children)
    My intuition is that the obsession will continue to get stronger, I think that's the tendency with age. My dad is a super passionate person who had many hobbies when he was younger and now he just has one... and he won't shut the fuck up about it. Luckily it's quad copters so he's not constantly picking fights over political differences.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TheIncrediblyBored 63 points64 points65 points  (9 children)
    In your post, I read more negatives than positives. If I was in your place, I would call it quits on the relationship.
    Take a week's break from your post, and then reread it throughly. If you still feel the same afterwards, I'm sure you'll know what's best for you and your family.
    Edit: also, start researching throughly into split custody (if that is what you want) because I forsee a messy custody battle.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Throwaway26683[S] 49 points50 points51 points  (8 children)
    That's good advice. I would love to get away from Jason for a few days to just collect my thoughts but I fear he will not receive my request for space well and it will turn into a huge thing.
    It's hard because I love my kids. My kids love Jason. We're a good family and I would hate to see it fall apart and ruin my kids' lives and sense of stability. I mean... we don't even really "fight" in the traditional sense, he just really really annoys me now and I feel like I get rubbed the wrong way when I'm called "transphobic" over the smallest of things.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]altxatu 77 points78 points79 points  (2 children)
    You're a fully supportive married partner of a teams person and anyone is calling you transphobic? Wtf? He sounds like he's lost touch with reality. Maybe he's mentally ill, maybe not, but he has lost all sense of perspective.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Stormageddonrex 18 points19 points20 points  (1 child)
    Marriage counseling sounds like a great idea. And if that doesn't work, at least 1/2 custody and a dose of kindness and rationality for your poor kids.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]VonAether 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
    We're a good family and I would hate to see it fall apart and ruin my kids' lives and sense of stability. I mean... we don't even really "fight" in the traditional sense
    Kids can and will pick up on the stress in the household even if you're not actually fighting in front of them.
    So the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you're doing the best thing for them by staying with Jason. Is a relationship full of resentment the kind of relationship you want to model for them?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]major84 46 points47 points48 points  (6 children)
    Your wife is changing physically and mentally and the drugs Jason is taking is also changing brain chemistry .... in the end everything that Jason is doing towards you , as well as giving you the ultimatum when first going changes were a way to get you to break up with Jason.
    After all this you still are there, and I believe this aggressive push at being a huge Asshole on Jasons's part is to get you to finally leave .... if you cant be reasoned with, than Jason feels if you are demeaned enough you will finally break and leave.
    Sorry dude, you tried .. you did what most guys wouldnt be willing to do.. I think it is time to file for divorce and get therapy for yourself so you help yourself because you have put up with a lot of shit your shouldn't have to. ..and it feels it has destroyed your self worth and yourself ... you need to fix yourself now pronto and get out of this poisonous relationship. File for divorce and get a good family lawyer who can set up a system so you can still have a good solid relationship with your 2 kids :)
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Throwaway26683[S] 25 points26 points27 points  (5 children)
    I really, really sincerely hope that Jason isn't acting out on purpose to push me away. But perhaps I am biased and am just hoping for the best. At the very least, Jason is very quickly becoming just as outwardly hostile to other people in our life and is isolating himself with people who are just as firm in their beliefs as he is. Especially with his online friends.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]major84 15 points16 points17 points  (1 child)
    Sorry guy, but you need to start therapy yourself and maybe marriage if you want to work through this. At this point the shit has hit the fan and it wont be getting any better. You did everything, everything , more than most people would .... save yourself and your kids now. Get therapy .
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]imfrommichigan 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
    It is better for you and your family to go through the divorce, the current situation is very unhealthy for everyone involved.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]MockingbirdRambler 96 points97 points98 points  (2 children)
    Family counseling time. Like 3 years ago.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]jilliefish 26 points27 points28 points  (0 children)
    This this this. I really hope Jason is receiving proper therapy. It sounds like he's not far off from a downward spiral. After reading that post about the trans friend that committed suicide, I believe therapy is just as important as a good support system.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]ArgyleGarg0yle 22 points23 points24 points  (0 children)
    Yeah, I'm sure this reasonable person will listen to criticism from a third party.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]magic_is_might 85 points86 points87 points  (3 children)
    The scary thing is that your wife is hurting your children in the process. Put a stop to that nonsense. *He is doing your kids damage and that's not okay.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]really-i-care -5 points-4 points-3 points  (2 children)
    *he
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]magic_is_might 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
    Apologies, he referred to him as his wife, that's what I went with.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Kolapsidy 62 points63 points64 points  (2 children)
    Uh, on the odd chance that this isn't a troll, take your kids and get the fuck away from that trainwreck. Nothing against Trans people personally, but this is a toxic environment for raising children in, and your marriage has been over for a long, long time.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–][deleted]  (1 child)
    [removed]
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]chintzy 29 points30 points31 points  (0 children)
      Yeah but I have met people like OP's made up wife in real life. Art imitates life etc.
      My wife and I went downtown this weekend and stopped by a club hosting an after party for some 18+ event, to get a drink and look at everyone's crazy costumes. Anyways standing in front there's a group of younger looking people and I noticed a couple of them were trans (not really passing yet) and as we walked by them my wife says "excuse me kids" and this militant feminist type starts screaming at us "WHAT DID YOU SAY" and started just unloading yelling about how some of her friends look 17 but are really 25 and we were "age-ists." Just making a scene, acting like she seriously wanted to fight somebody over this.
      My wife defused it and didn't even understand what she was so mad about until I explained to her later that a couple of the people in their group were transwomen and they tend to look younger than they are early in transition and that there is this militant anti-cis movement of lunatics like the one who started screaming at us on the street.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]AvocadoVoodoo 62 points63 points64 points  (1 child)
      Jason meets a new person and after exchanging handshakes the first question out of his mouth is “What pronouns do you prefer we use?” no matter who it is - even when he met my new boss at a company Christmas party.
      Wow. I didn't think those types of people existed outside of Tumblr.
      Out of nowhere, our daughter has declared she is pansexual and our son has declared he is gay.
      I... can't believe I am even saying this, but it may be a phase with the kids because of their mother's influence. She's been spouting off anti stright/anti-cis stuff and they think it's cool to be "other".
      In any case, I would suggest therapy for them. Not because one may be gay, but because it sounds like their parents are headed down to divorce and their life is going to be in even more upheaval.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]SalaciousSteve 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
      Yeahhhh... divorce... fight for custody... get kids into therapy... put Jason in the rearview.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]pissoffcunt916 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
      not your wife anymore. cut your losses and move on.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]Midgar-Zolom 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
      There's a lot on Tumblr that is just toxic and it seems he may have been sipping on that for some time now.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]mgold215 15 points16 points17 points  (1 child)
      That person you're married to is everything that's wrong with the world. The type of person who will use every comment or situation to get "offended" and victimize themselves. What a pathetic, disturbed human being.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]sugartrick 12 points13 points14 points  (6 children)
      So your wife is acting like an asshole. You know this. A lot of people are going to advise you to leave - if you did, that would be okay. You may not want to. However, her assholery aside, I think you should break up because preventing her from getting SRS (assuming that is what she wants) so you can continue to fuck her in the way you want is terrible. Aside from being really ethically shady, my long time partner is trans, and we have had a lot of exposure to trans folks who act like this. Most of them feel extremely persecuted, which is rooted in feeling deeply insecure. Not being able to get SRS is probably a big contributor to this feeling. Not trying to excuse her dickishness, but there you go.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]Thornnuminous 13 points14 points15 points  (10 children)
      She's not a woman anymore. He's a man. He's also going through some shit.
      Do you really want to stay married to a man? Also, it isn't fair of you to stop him from having any surgery he wants to have. That's just plain selfish of you.
      As for your kids, I think they need therapy.
      Jason is crossing the line encouraging your son to lie.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]Throwaway26683[S] 34 points35 points36 points  (8 children)
      I would hardly say that making a compromise is selfish. Why should Jason get 100% of what they want and leave their spouse to the wayside? And I didn't STOP him from doing anything. I asked. It was a long discussion, over many weeks. I never made a threat or ultimatum. I just want to have some physical connection with my wife that is meaningful to me.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]pukefist 64 points65 points66 points  (0 children)
      You're clinging to the idea that someday you'll get your wife back. It's not going to happen. Instead you guys are living some shitty version of a compromise, where both of you are clearly unhappy. Yeah going through divorce sucks right away but think about a few years down the road--you'll probably both be a lot happier.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]OneTwoWee000 44 points45 points46 points  (1 child)
      I just want to have some physical connection with my wife that is meaningful to me.
      For what it's worth, telling yourself you can deal with all the transition changes as long as "she" still has a vagina isn't a healthy way to cope with your spouse changing genders.
      He's a man now. Testosterone has likely changed his downstairs configuration to smell more masculine and he probably prefers the terms "neo penis" and "front hole" to describe his genitals. The woman Jason used to be doesn't still exist because he hasn't had bottom surgery, as many trans men never do..
      You mentioned having a dead bedroom -- this may be part of what's preventing a sexual connection which brings another question.. No sex but still a family unit raising kids.. Where is Jason's rocketed libido being channelled? Is he cheating to scratch that itch, OP?
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]Thornnuminous 30 points31 points32 points  (1 child)
      You are interfering with what he wants to do with his body because YOU "want to have sex with my wife".
      He's not your wife. Your wife is gone and is never coming back.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]LoveLiveLearn 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
      She cares more about her ideology than she does about you. Dump her.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–]_mignonette_ -3 points-2 points-1 points  (2 children)
      He. Him.
      ▲
      ▼
      [+]trose89 comment score below threshold-6 points-5 points-4 points  (3 children)
      This is such a troll post. So you had a completely normal relationship for all those years and suddenly your wife comes out as trans and becomes the complete image of the evil in your face trans person from tumblr? Get real.
      ▲
      ▼
      [–][deleted]  (1 child)
      [removed]
        ▲
        ▼
        [–]sparrow5 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
        I am so confused, but your partner sounds like he is getting annoying. It sounds like a lot of drama. But good luck to you both.
        ▲
        ▼
        [+][deleted]  (4 children)
        [deleted]
          ▲
          ▼
          [+][deleted]  (1 child)
          [removed]
            ▲
            ▼
            [+]lazyav4 comment score below threshold-98 points-97 points-96 points  (4 children)
            Wait, so your spouse who decided to be a ftm gender person, is perfectly acceptable of you using a female conatation on him?
            Honestly this entire post seems extremely negative to the transgender community. If you had a problem leave.
            This post is locked.
            Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy. © 2015 reddit inc. All rights reserved.
            REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.
            π Rendered by PID 4778 on app-260 at 2015-09-22 21:15:29.039956+00:00 running 494a66f country code: US.
            0%
             
            10%
             
            20%
             
            30%
             
            40%
             
            50%
             
            60%
             
            70%
             
            80%
             
            90%
             
            100%