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I hate making decisions (self.RedPillWomen)

CoochQuarantine が 投稿

To date, I have heard various forms of “girl power”/”man hater” propaganda that tells women that we need to make choices in life. We have to step up to the plate and say what, when, where, why we wants something. This, however, sends a negative message I believe to women. Not only does it perpetuate the idea that you are entitled to more, but also that you will get it just by saying out loud whatever it is you desire. In this post it is my contention that making decisions goes against my core values and has led me to become unhappy.

I know many of you have had this discussion with your SO, family, friends, and coworkers.

“Where are we going to eat?”

Seems harmless enough. Right? Although, how many times does it always wind up in a stalemate of “I dunno” or “wherever” leading to decisions not being made? This seemingly safe question creates this chaos that is the dumbest interaction between people. It is just deciding where to eat. With there being thousands and thousands of restaurants or choices, why can’t someone just freaking pick. I’ll tell you why I don’t WANT to pick though. Stating “I want Chinese food” or whatever winds up making the interaction about my needs and where I want to go. It fails to take into consideration other people’s desires and makes you the default selector of where to go for next time. Do you really want people just tagging along on your own restaurant tours or do you want to discover new places and have those around you comfortable in going to places they enjoy. I know I do.

So how can we fix this conundrum? I feel like I cannot maintain my femininity because people inherently don’t want to make choices and therefore I have to make them. This train of thought is poisonous because it leaks into other aspects of your life. Where to go food shopping, clothes shopping, how to fix things around the house, which car to buy, etc etc. It gives you a feeling that it is ok to just override the desires of other people because if they can’t make small decisions, how can they be relied upon to make larger ones.

I need to take a moment right now to just say that I do this a lot. I am not perfect and I am working on this. I just don’t want to give the impression that fixing this is an overnight shift in frame of mind. This is a constant battle to allow those around you to make decisions for you.

How do I solve this? Laura Doyle makes a case for stating that you want others to solve the problem for you. Not only do you get to state what you want but you also direct others to solve problems for you. She said to use this statement: “I want you to tell me what you want to eat” in one of her examples. Not only do you allow yourself the ability to remain feminine but you also inherently persuade someone to make a choice. This statement, of course, needs to be tailored to the particular setting and particular problem that needs to be solved.

“I need for you to tell me what time we are leaving so I can be ready.”

“I would love to go to the movies. Which movie are we watching?”

The difference here is that not only are you being accommodating, but you also set the tone for the man in the situation to be the decision maker.

I also know that there are times when a man will tell you “What do you think/want?” and at this point it is ok to state what you want because then it is a matter of him wanting to please you. This should not become a battle over who makes the decision. If he defers to you, then YOU are the person to make the choice. That was his decision. Accept it!

This leads works its way into all decision making. Does that mean you’ll never have to make a choice? No. What it does mean is that you send the message to your SO, friend, family member that you trust in their choices. This allows you to keep a feminine frame of mind and lets men be men.

I’m new here so this is what I have been thinking. If someone could point out any flaws in logic, or maybe I may have worded something in the wrong way, could you please point it out. I am working hard to become the best woman that I can be and I feel like a lot of the principles here really resonate with me.

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[–]TempestTcup10 Endorsed Contributor 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

If it gets to the "I don't know, what do you want to eat?" stage, I generally tend to offer up a few suggestions and let someone else pick. That seems to get the food decisions rolling pretty well.

I go out with friends from high school every month or so, and one of my friends always has a few places she wants to check out. I really like that; less decisions for me :)

[–]CoochQuarantine[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think the best is when someone says "Hey I want to go to this restaurant. Let's go!". No decision making required. I'll also generally will ask the waiter what is the restaurant known for to make the choice of what I'm eating easier too. I really do hate choices.

[–]APrivatephilosophy 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

That'll be the difference between two similar women when one grows in her femininity and one doesn't.

Woman A looks for ways to have say and to have authority without technically being a bitch about it. Still doing X but not being as bad as those other BP women.

Woman B looks for ways to relinquish a decision to her leader because she actively wants to be MORE gracious, MORE submissive, she wants him to lead and stand strong.

Woman B will have a happier man.

[–]windlabyrinth 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

This post got me thinking about something I've been trying to work on. When my SO says, "I don't care" I want to get frustrated but that is him making a choice.

It's him deciding that whatever I'm asking an opinion on is too trivial for him to care about, not in his realm, etc and therefore it's my decision.

[–]dalls18 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

wow I never looked at it that way, that's an interesting perspective because that phrase bugs me too.

[–]APrivatephilosophy 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

Not only are all men betas generally, but they're so used to deferring to a bossy woman in every situation that they just don't even think to refer to the man at all.

For example, my sweetheart and I are vehicle shopping. We have been visiting the car lots around town and watching inventory come and go for a few months but my husband has decided what make and model we are looking for and what price range he will want to shop in. We aren't in a rush, and we aren't considering any other make and model than what he's decided on for a list of good reasons.

At every single lot we have visited, the salesmen will approach us and look directly toward me and ask me "So do you know what you're looking for?" He doesn't even consider it a possibility that my husband has any say in the purchase other than to sign the paperwork.

When that happens, I sort of take a half step back and rest my hand on my husband's forearm and look at him. HE is doing the deciding. He already knows what we need and how much he will pay. This is not a prom dress shopping trip where I skip around all giddy and try on everything shiny and expensive. I'm not touring a lot with my human checkbook, how disrespectful! Then when they don't have what he's explicitly stated we will be buying, they'll turn to me and try to sell me a new minivan or some ridiculous thing like an escalade or whatever. They're pretty sure I'll usurp my husbands strange (to them) attitude of authority and do what I want, buy what I want, joke about how "Ha ha, she's gotta have a better car than the other young moms in the neighborhood, you know!" It disgusts me.

It bothers me because like you, I'm not even interested in making these decisions. I like watching the exchange where my husband steps in and starts having a conversation with this salesman who, you can tell, is just not used to dealing with a man during a sale, let alone a man who isn't going to be test driving this or that other make and model instead. This has happened more than a dozen times. It's happened on every lot we've been to.

The same goes with ordering dinners in restaurants, getting furniture, checking out at registers, meetings with the school, etc. I like him to make the decision. I like to mind the children while he takes care of business. But people are so used to deferring to the woman that they disrespect my husband everywhere and just assume I've got his nuts in my purse. They assume he has no interest or say in ANY thing, even our kids' educations!

[–]FleetingWish3 Endorsed Contributor 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

It also depends on the guy. Some guys are not used to taking the lead, so you have to use phrasing like this to get him to realize you will be ok with him making decisions. Other guys are more natural leaders so it's ok to suggest something that you want, because ultimately it's his decision. He has no trouble saying "yes" or "no".

[–]CoochQuarantine[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

That is true, however, I think if there were a more natural leader in the dynamic then this problem wouldn't arise as often as it does because they would have already made a suggestion. There was a recent redpill post that made the case for 'all men being betas'. Not to say that they are, but there are so many of them that it is ok to generalize the group as such. Just like they say AWALT. There might be a few in there that aren't but most are so the generalization stands. With this, when there is a natural leader in the dynamic a choice would have been offered up as a part of the segue into getting the group together to go to eat. Maybe not always but I find this to be true a lot of the time.

[–]cloverdust 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

It's happened to me where he's asked "What do you want/think?" and I genuinely don't have a preference. I've responded with "You know, I don't really have a preference but if you'd like me to make the decision I can do that." And then I just flip a coin or make a choice. But honestly, when I put it that way, he usually says "Oh, ok," and makes the decision himself :).

[–]Levi1979 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I find myself in this situation at times....I sincerely don't have a preference to a specific decision that needs to be made. Whatever he decides I'm fine with. When I want him to make a decision I explain it very clearly "Sweetheart whatever you decide I'll be happy with. So make a decision" When it co.es to making decisions about things I honestly believe he is better at I'll even add "Whatever you decide I'll be happy with. Honestly you're better at picking out paint colors then I am" But if you do this, and he decides, don't bitch after the decision is made. If a decision needs to be made and it's a big one absolutely do not make it with out discussing it with him 1st. If he won't make a decision then you just need to make a call. It's OK to override people's feelings sometimes, even when your SO is an Alpha leader. If I make a call because he didn't & he questions me about it I state my case "I brought this issue to you with all the information I had, you never got back to me with a decision, and it needed to be made by this date, so I handled it." 9 times out of 10 he is OK with it. He know he can trust me.

[–]ZingMaster 6ポイント7ポイント  (3子コメント)

The man doesn't have to be the decision maker in every single, little, tiny, trivial daily life decision. We are not in relationships to be voiceless minions.

[–]CoochQuarantine[S] 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

Is that how this came across? I don't think I am making a case to be voiceless, but I think I am trying to find ways to enable my femininity by choosing to defer to my man. I like when others lead. That is how I feel safe. I don't think that he needs to pick out my socks for me but when something involves him I prefer that he lead.

[–]APrivatephilosophy 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's not at all how it came across, but there are a lot of ppl lurking here who don't actually agree with RPW, just sit around waiting to interject when they get an opportunity to say NAWALT or NAMALT or That Doesn't Work For Everyone.

[–]TempestTcup10 Endorsed Contributor 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

I speak up if I have a particular place I want to go, but 90% of the time, I just don't really care. That's when I will mention the places that have specials on particular days or ask if we are in a hurry and then give suggestions for him to choose from.

I think the point that the OP was making is that we can get too used to making decisions, and then that will bleed over into making other, more major decisions without your SOs opinion involved: making a decision just to get the decision making process over with.

[–]GraceKellyCmplx 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Good phrases to use: "Have you considered_?" "How does _ sound?" *if he shoots down your suggestions keep calm and pleasant. Do not get upset! Eventually he will come up with something he wants. Also I think it's fine to have ideas of where you'd like to go or what you'd prefer but remain flexible and cheerful in the final decision.

[–]kittykahoots 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

"if they can’t make small decisions, how can they be relied upon to make larger ones"

Your comment here is something I wish to remark upon. Please do realize that my perspective is that of an older woman who has been married over twenty years and been with my partner for over twenty-five.

Making choices does not conflict with being feminine. Your permanent partner should create a framework for you to live within. These are the large life choices. You should have a voice and input, but he ultimately decides the rules for your combined lives. Things like career, budget, goals in life, how to deal with extended family, et cetera.

Within those boundaries, you have choices. If you have a food budget of "x" amount of dollars then you should plan meals, not expect him to decide every dinner. If he asks you where you want to go out to eat, then he has made the choice that you both are going out AND that he want you to make a choice.

Making good choices is about being competent (and making choices that are good for you and your partner). It is not realistic to expect a man to have the time and emotional energy to make every choice. However, some women like (and thrive) off of their partner making more choices while other women thrive when being a bit more autonomous. This is where being self-aware and honest with a potential partner is important. If you chose poorly or hide needs in order to secure a man you will be unhappy.

Also too, the decision making is elastic in nature. When I need my husband to be more in control I vocalize this. Because he cares for me and desires my well-being he will in a very efficient manner dictate my life down to even the smallest choices until I am less frazzled. Conversely, while he is away for work I manage a greater amount of choices. He trusts me because I know his wishes and my choices reflect my desire for a good future for us, not a self-serving view of the here and now.

Being unhappy making choices simply means that your partner has not provided rules or a framework for your life. Being given a choice should be an opportunity for you to demonstrate your value as a partner; show that you can make good choices or even pick up the slack when he has other things on his mind.

[–]CoochQuarantine[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I completely agree with you. I was using that more as an illustration on how women can let things snowball into becoming the dominant one in the relationship. You see that they can't be relied upon for small things and then you just increase the level of responsibility you take in the relationship. I feel like I want to take care of my SO but with no direction, I keep escalating that care to be more and more oppressive because I know better.

/u/windlabyrinth points out how easily we can misconstrue "I don't care" to be a noncommittal response vs an actual answer that we should see it for what it is worth.... them actually not caring and deferring to us to solve it. It is trying to figure that out that I find women who try to control the relationship fail at. I understand we do need to stick up for ourselves but I think for the most part I'm happy to go along with whatever because I know my SO wants me to be happy too.