Hello everybody!
I recently ended a RP relationship and I'm trying to come back up for air and lobotomize my effed up brain. I don't know where to start, I could go on for days with examples but I will keep it pretty general for privacy sake (his and mine), but if anyone has any questions they can feel free to pm me and I can elaborate.
I was in a relationship with a guy for a few years that didn't start out RP. He was dominant and masculine in many ways, and I was attracted to that. However, it wasn't in an overbearing, frightening way. I fell in love with him, I fell in love with many of his "beta" ways too which he later tried to squash into oblivion or minimize as much as possible. Sometime into the relationship he started opening up to me about his insecurities in himself and his relationships with women. He didn't feel masculine enough, he felt like he always gave more than he got. He started explaining his frustrations and needs. How he wanted a woman that would make him her world, self-sacrificing, loving. Basically, he wanted to be made to feel like a priority in every respect of the word. I heard him and felt for him, I could see it pained him. I don't know the true source of the feelings, whether it came about from some inner inefficiencies or if his relationships before were just plain crappy, or if growing up he didn't receive enough love or guidance. Regardless, I wanted to change that for him the best I could. I however was and am not perfect, I also was very naive, and did not understand men's "needs." I tried but maybe not enough, or not in the right way, so we fought often.
We ended up parting ways because neither of us was being fulfilled. However I came to relaize I missed and loved him a lot, and had not experienced the level of connection that I did with him with anyone else. So we got back together but this is when things changed. He told me about RP and slowly introduced me to it. How it changed his life, how it made him better, more of a man. He said he was finally happy with himself, which led me to think this is great. He let me read a few articles, explained concepts, explained the philosophy, explained male and female natures, explained proper relationship dynamics. At first, I was extremelyyyyy hesitant, disgusted, terrified, you name a gut reaction, I had it. Part of me also thought, maybe this is temporary, maybe he'll change. Maybe he will see me as a good woman and see he doesn't need that stuff. I wanted so badly to make it work. So I agreed to that lifestyle, I agreed to try. It was very difficult to adjust because I had to second guess everything. Everything was against my nature. I complied as best I could, even though we still fought due to my errors of not being submissive enough or being too argumentative.
Slowly, though I started feeling like I had been blind before, TRP is right, I am an evil, manipulative woman. I started hating myself, and hating myself for failing even though I tried so hard. I couldn't make him happy, there was always something wrong with me, with us. He became this version that I didn't recognize, controlling, angry in a scary way, straightforward in an almost abrasive way, he stopped saying I love you often and would only say it if I did. We stopped talking about other things in life, real feelings. Cool topics that we might have talked about before rarely came up in conversation for long anymore. Everything revolved around the RP, every decision, every action. I started feeling like a shadow, an extension. I feared upsetting him, I feared speaking my mind since I could only bring things up in a feminine way. I feared wanting stuff that maybe he wouldn't approve of or want. I felt guilty for wanting those things. His dread game ate at my insides, I was constantly afraid of losing him. I kept thinking the RP was supposed to make things better, its my fault...I'm not doing it right, I'm not submissive enough. I AM WOMAN DEFECTIVE. I just wanted him to love me, to want me. Each day I felt more and more as if I wasn't important, I was replaceable.
Needless to say it ended. I will not go into details of how but it will be something that will stay with me forever. I am forever changed, while there are a few things/truths I see in TRP, overall it is destructive, I am living proof. A person's (male or female) psyche is a very fragile place and I don't think these people fully respect that.
What will forever haunt me is that this soul that I loved was a wonderful person and had capacity to become even better. I don't know if he will ever realize or change, and it scares me to see a talented, funny, kind human transform into a dark, angry, manipulative, lost man. He would always tell me that the person I met wasn't lost, he was just better, more aware. No longer would he be taken advantage of.....
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