Why would my [32M] wife [32F] of 7 years do intimate things with exes that she refuses to try with me?

malzahargh · 16時間前

Perhaps her ex's pressured her into various sex acts and she didnt enjoy them and she doesnt wish to revisit them. Some of my ex's coerced me into things I didnt want to do, but I was young and inexperienced and didnt want to lose the dude, so I did stuff I wasnt comfortable with. Dont make her feel guilty about her sexual past.

CarnalKid · 16時間前

The most common reason I've heard is an ex they were afraid of, that they placated with sex acts they weren't comfortable with.

But, no foreplay? This may be more like an r/deadbedrooms kinda problem, than even an r/sex thing.

ensign_gaylord · 16時間前

Why are you assuming she did those things because the guy was hot? Do you have any reason whatsoever to believe that?

Maybe she was young and thought she should try things out and doesn't do them now because she found out she doesn't like them. Maybe she thought that she had to agree to acts that she found degrading or uncomfortable because she thought she had to do it to keep her ex's attention (the implication being that she doesn't have to submit to things that make her feel bad and bad about herself with you because she knows you actually love her). Maybe she was raped or abused between now and then.

Don't let your insecurities drive you here. If you're desperately unhappy, ask her to go to couples' counseling with you, but don't assume that this is all about your inadequacies.

codayus · 16時間前

Let's recap. What you know is:

Your wife doesn't like a long list of sexual acts
She's tried them in the past

The SCREAMINGLY OBVIOUS conclusion is that she tried them and did not like them. I mean, what's your alternative theory? She tried it, loved it, but refuses to do something she loves with someone she loves because she hates fun? She's actively trying to sabotage her relationship?

Like, I'm confused. How is it that the question you asked actually seemed logical to you?

What are all the reasons -- and don't be afraid to be brutal -- that she might do this?

That she DOESN'T LIKE THEM.
There is no other option, you idiot!

Edit: Incidentally, there's nothing wrong with your sexual preferences. I wouldn't even date someone who wanted a sex life like your wife's, much less marry her. It's fine to want an adventurous sex life! And if you're not happy with your sex life, then that's a real problem the two of you should discuss like adults (although, you know, waiting seven years to have the conversation is really stupid). What's not fine is how you've handled this.

kallisti_gold · 16時間前

Because she tried it, found she didn't like it, and decided not to do it again.

KDJoyner · 15時間前

Going to give you a quick run down of reasons she might not want to talk about/do certain sex acts.

What she did felt wrong because it was not natural, but forced.
She hates most sex acts and only does them because she feels she has to. (Some people don't like sex, i am one of them.)
She doesn't feel the same sexual chemistry with you.
She did them and now feels like a "slut" because "good girls"... blah blah blah... something about Puritan Guilt and Christianity. Mostly, she might have done things in the past because she felt right in the moment but now, as a more mature adult, feels those things are slutty/immature.
She is not attracted to you in a way that makes her want to go to Buttown.
She assumed Butt Town was a place and learned the hard way.
She was assaulted.
Her past boyfriend was abusive.
She feels embarrassed by who she used to be and wants to change that.
Something happened in the past that traumatized her and now she is unable to handle the idea of doing things like that.
Her last partners shamed her and made her feel pathetic when she tried to be adventurous in bed, so now she worries it will happen again.
She doesn't feel intimate with you in the same way.
You are pushy and it makes her feel weird.

How can you handle what happened?

First: Give her some time to calm down.

Leave it alone for a week or so. Then ask if she wants to talk about what happened (outside of the bedroom.) Say something like, "I would love to be intimate with you, but it makes you so embarrassed I am worried I have done something to make you distrust me. If you do not like doing oral or anal, I am fine with it. I would just like to talk to you about what happened because your mental and sexual health are important to me."

Second: How much romance do you have in you life?

Foreplay should take place all day, every day. That is how you keep the romance alive.

How much romantic and intimate stuff do you do for her? Especially without the intention of going to the bedroom?

I think you can start to make some real changes in your relationship.

Romance her again. Surprise her with a dinner out to a place she likes, buy her flowers, take her to a movie. Remember things she likes and surprise her with them. Take turns planning date nights.

Snuggle with the intention of being intimate, sans the bedroom eyes.

When you look at the life you have outside the bedroom and the ways you share it together, do you feel excited, passionate, flirty? If she doesn't make you giddy just to spend time with her, work on it.

Many women need an emotional connection to feel adventurous in bed. Compliment her and mean it. The more confident in herself, and your relationship, the more likely she will open up about things that she wants to try, be it a new place to eat or a new position in bed.

But you need to show her that you care for her outside of the sex. Build up the trust again.

Third: How attractive are you to her?

Have you gained weight? Have you lost the drive to dress nicely and 'manscape.' Trying going to the gym together (can build sexual energy) and try to be active. The more physically strong you are, the better sex will be anyways.

PeppermintPig · 16時間前

The more important question isn't what she's done, but what you want, and it seems to me that two minutes of sex is a bit of a letdown for you, to put it mildly.

Unless there's something deeply troubling her when it comes to sex, which would require an honest discussion, you may have better luck talking to her an hour or so before sex on a day that it is anticipated about what you want to do (assuming that's how things go).

Would it be possible for you to ask her for more time for starters? You may be able to progress into something more appealing to you.

She ought to come to terms with the fact that she's not communicating well and frustrating you in the process, but it's clear that talking about exes and sex acts isn't the way.

d1v3rg3nt3 · 16時間前

why didn't you talk to her about these before you got married ? She might of hated doing them after trying it out and no longer have any further desire to go through with them again but the fact that she is so close minded even with changing positions tells me that she isn't that into the act of sex itself. She might have a low sex drive or she might just not be turned on sexually by you and you were somehow the safe choice for marriage. honestly no one can tell you which it is other than her and she won't be willing to open up easily so you really need to sit her down and tell her this is serious and that you would like to know her reasons for being so 1 dimensional with you where as she was open to more before. Whether she hates sex and just puts up with it for you or whether theres something else going on

CottonCandyTacos · 15時間前

It's a personal thing to be honest. For awhile I cried whenever my SO and I had sex because in past relationships it felt forced and I've been raped before. It wasn't him doing it, but it still upset me. I wasn't ready and we stopped love making until I could handle it.

What probably happened was her ex pressured her into them or used them as some sort of ultimatum. I'd have a candid conversation and see where it goes from there. You said she was upset. Let her explain why

alv931 · 12時間前

I tried anal with my high school bf and it was horrible. Neither of us knew what we were doing. I knew he wanted to try it and gave in out of pressure basically. Because of this bad experience I have never done it again. Even with my ex husband who I was with for 14 years.

Interestingly though, I've been more and more interested in it lately and will likely try it soon with my new bf. Why? Because I trust him, I know it's something he would like to try and I find him incredibly attractive and love giving him pleasure.

I would be more concerned of why she isn't cumming but also that she's not interested at all in making that happen with other options. I would stop asking her about her past and open up with her about your thoughts on this instead, that you love her and want to see her enjoy herself no matter what it takes. Take everything off the table that she might have done in the past and ask her what she thinks you could do to help her. Hopefully she'll be honest.

AlmondMalaise · 15時間前

This problem seems to run deeper than the typical and entirely unhelpful chorus of "she obviously doesn't like doing such and such you monster," that frequently dominate the comments on a post like this.

There are clearly communication problems and an essentially dead bedroom where one person is performing a chore and the other is left unsatisfied, hollow, and hurting. OP, head to /r/deadbedrooms and browse for some additional perspective.

It sounds very much like your wife isn't attracted to you and is only doing the bare minimum that she perceives will keep you happy. She very likely doesn't realize that her duty sex will only make you feel worse. You are searching for a fix, and you landed on trying something new in bed, which she's rejected. I'll bet what you really need is an enthusiastic partner who pursues you with the same passion and vigor you feel for her.

Unfortunately, it is very unlikely you'll ever have that with her. Therapy is one option, but she doesn't think anything is wrong so convincing her to go and have an open mind about it may be an insurmountable task.

GuiltySky · 14時間前

I'm sorry you're getting beaten up here. You're not a bad person for wanting variety in your sex routine. The rest of your life is a long time to go without doggy style or blowjobs and you're entitled to answers.

In my experience a handful of no-go acts can be dismissed as personal preference or a bad ex souring it for her. And we should respect that of course. But a giant laundry list of things she doesn't want to do usually means she's not that attracted to you. Would she have any reason for marrying you besides love and attraction? IE, you're a doctor and she's a barista who majored in sociology? Or maybe you have kids?

/r/deadbedrooms might have useful advice for you. They often talk about "starfish sex", where the woman just lays there doing nothing and makes you feel like she's doing you a favor. This is, of course, intended to make you stop asking for sex.

tevicbon · 15時間前

Regardless of her past, your problem is you don't have a very satisfying sex life. You need to sit and tell her this, let her know the two minutes and two positions are not enough for you. Suggest you two go to couples counseling. Maybe you are right and she married you becauce you are safe and stable, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship if your needs are not being met.

anotherkitty · 15時間前

She did some things in high school and college and you want her to do all the same things again? Do you know how long ago high school or college is to a 32 year old? I don't mean this sarcastically, since you're the same age, but maybe you've forgotten. It's a long time ago and people change, tastes change.

If someone does something with one lover, they are not obligated to do that activity with other people.

I think it's reasonable to talk about your sex life and your frustrations. It is possible that there might be a deeper reason. However, for the most part, leave other people out of your bedroom. Ask why she doesn't like doing x or y or z. Listen and try to do this in a non-judgmental way to get your answers. It could be that some of these things were unpleasant or painful.

molson5972 · 16時間前

The only answers your going to get will be from your wife man. There are people who marry safe and might not be attracted to them, which stops them from exploring and enjoying adventuring. Or her Exs could have pressured her or abused her into it. I am leaning either she feels she doesn't want her husband to think of her as a" slut", or she's not attracted to that way. If her Exs abused her enough to not enjoy receiving oral, or makes her refuse anything but missionary or cowgirl, you'd probably wouldn't be having sex at all. It's going to be a tough discussion but it has to be honest, and you have to ask her if she's attracted to you. Then when you have your answers you need to decide if your staying or going

pancake_ice · 16時間前

There are a bunch of different reasons and the only person who can answer them would be her. You need to sit her down and talk to her. Don't accuse her, don't put her down, don't make her feel bad and don't pressure her. Tell her you love her but you want to be more sexually adventurous and want to know what is prohibiting her from exploring sex together. Ask her if she has any fantasies she wants to try or how you can work together. Maybe you could make a nice dinner, have some wine and talk over her favorite desert.

Some possibilities. People's tastes change. Maybe what makes her feel good is not the same as it was years ago. Maybe she was pressured to try these things. Maybe she wanted to try these things but found them unpleasant for whatever reason. Maybe she was shamed for doing these things. If she comes from a religious background maybe she was made to believe these acts are sinful or dirty or whatever. Maybe her sex drive is less then it once was. Maybe there is something about your anatomy that makes some of these acts difficult (too big?). Maybe you are too pushy for what you want and she feels pressured. Maybe she feels uncomfortable with you. Maybe she doesn't want to do these acts because they remind her of someone/sometime else and she doesn't want to remember it.

This doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you, your anatomy, your skills or ability to please her. You need to talk to her.

indlife · 7時間前

The problem you have is that she chose you as a provider for financial security, you wouldn't leave her with kids, etc.. Unfortunately, she didn't choose you for sex. This is an issue affecting marriages everywhere. Both men and women have to understand that sex is important in a marriage. The "wild times" aren't limited to the bad boys/girls. The fact is, many spouses strongly want the crazy sex acts, at least a few times here and there. I can understand certain acts being off limits, like anal sex, but it is up to the man and woman to bring this stuff up before they settle.

If a young guy wants to experience anal sex, maybe not want it in the future, but just wants to see what it is like with a woman, he shouldn't be with a woman who has done it for another person(s) but then says no to him. Sure, date her, have fun, but don't do LTR with such a person. There is already clearly defined sexual incompatibility. A woman has a right to say no to any specific act, but a guy she is with has every right to end the relationship and move on if having that experience is something he wants.

Maybe what you should really ask your wife is if she really finds you attractive in a sexual sense. Your wife was 28 years old when you two got married. You dated maybe a bit before that. At 28 years old, many young women start to fear that options/time is running out. This is a huge issue with current dating and marriage trends. Women today don't have to get married at 21/22, they can hold off marriage until their 30s, but even then, they have a limited time and a limited number of eggs if they want to do the whole traditional two-parent family thing. Yes, I do believe it is important for young men and women to start understanding that in marriage they have to settle, but I think that includes stuff like finances, where to live, etc.. I don't think people should settle on sex stuff for the most part. When people do that, problems like yours arise. It is very possible your wife settled for less sexual attraction because she got a good provider in terms of finances, good male role model for the future kids, etc..

If I were you, I would consider divorce. There is no changing how a person views you sexually. This is why I don't agree with people of different sexual backgrounds getting together, and this is especially true when these issues are discussed and one party lies about their past. That will only cause future problems down the road.

Chuchoter · 11時間前

Your wife sounds like me. I find those things gross, and wouldn't want anal/sex toys/that kinda deal. 69 is gross to me too (idk why anyone even thought of putting your mouth where you excrete bodily waste, or even near it).

That being said, I'm generally not a physically intimate person, despite having done your wife's list of stuff-done-with-the-ex (I did it with my ex too).

My true reasons for myself were that I really did think they were gross. The reason I had done that list is not because I was so sexually excited that I lost my logic. My ex was really pressuring me with the whole concept of "real relationships have sex, and you obviously don't love me if you don't do it, so don't be weird". I complied because I had wanted to keep the relationship at the time, and it was my first so I thought maybe I should try it before I diss it? Like y'know, maybe I'll turn out normal and enjoy sex and not think it's gross.

I still think it's gross. I'm thinking I'm just mildly asexual or whatev. That's a whole diff can of worms though.

My current bf had asked about my sexual history before too, and even then I have been, and still am, reluctant to tell him the full story. I only briefly mention that I had been pressured, but I never went into the details of it.

I think I can safely say that all my sexual experiences had been with the ex, and it was through pressure. I liked the foreplay (but he was more into the act than the foreplay), but I do find sex gross, and I think I could have enjoyed sex if I felt emotionally ready for it.

Maybe your wife having done those things was not on her own will. Maybe her ex had pressured her to do it like my ex did to me.

JaTroll · 9時間前

While it's possible that she grew to dislike some of the stuff she tried in the past, it is highly improbable she can no longer stand anything except missionary/cowgirl quickies. It's far more likely that this is what she's willing to tolerate. When you find your partner sexually attractive you are willing to experiment, eager to explore their bodies and develop and strengthen the relationship through physical connection all within boundaries you've grown to recognize in yourself.
When you're in it for something other then sex, you give what you're getting - an obligatory 2min quickie twice monthly.

lnvader · 6時間前

She simply isn't attracted to you. She's using you as a wallet while giving up the bare minimum. She did that stuff with her exes because they made her wet lol. Now you can't leave because she gets half your shit and the kids haha.

Kolapsidy · 10時間前

She's probably still taking it from her ex on the side, and doesn't need you for sex cause she's getting a bigger dick from the ex.

Mitchell78 · 8時間前

Its likely she isn't as attracted to you like she was to the men she did other (more) sexual things with which sucks for you. Its clear this woman isn't given you her best sex that she has done with other men. I don't think you can fix this. You should try to find a woman who gives you the kind of sex you want.

KeylessInBangkok · 7時間前

She can cook Cordon Bleu, but that's only for the guys who deserve it. You're a peasant in her eyes, it's beans and toast for you!

SomeoneWhoGetsLaid · 5時間前

She always implied, and I always assumed, that the reason she wouldn't do certain sexual acts was because she just wasn't interested in trying them, or found them "gross".

sex is gross, it's a documented fact that being horny suppresses our gross out impulses because evolutionary speaking, sex is more important than how we feel about the act.

I fear that she remembers her ex as the guy who made her hot enough to do a variety of sex acts, and I sexually bore her so much that she won't even let me go down on her.

you nailed it buddy. The only way to make her hot for you now after she's essentially told you through her actions she's not that into you sexually, is to try and manipulate her emotions. That's how brutal this is. But for what it's worth, her treating sex like a chore she does for you is a very manipulative tactic on her end. You're in a marriage but remember the old saying, "Everything is about sex, except for sex, sex is about power" Think about that. Everything in your relationship can be boiled down to your sexual dynamics. And then when it's time for sexy times you get to see the power she wields over you. You are feeling sad and inadequate because of how she is treating you, which is a normal healthy response, but it's something you need to fix. You can't negotiate how she feels about you. You can only try and improve yourself. You want to increase the sexy times? Start working out and take a hobby that takes you away from home for a few hours a night. Improve yourself, not for her, but for you, and that'll have the added benefit of her being more into you.

If you take anything away from this it should be this, she had no problem doing those things with her exes because she thought they were worth it at the time.

atypicalgamergirl · 16時間前

I'll wager a guess that it wasn't the acts themselves she liked so much as it was driven by the sort of men she was doing them with. Her associations with those acts are firmly rooted to the type of men she did them with. She does not have the same associations with you so she does not feel compelled to do those things with you.

What could you do, if anything to adjust her perception of you so that she would want to do those things with you? What would you say or do if she dropped a brutal truth like "I love you but you don't turn me on - I don't associate our relationship with sex so much as I do familial non-sexual intimacy?

Legdayeveryday420 · 16時間前

Maybe she just had some bad experiences I guess. Other than that, only she can answer why she refuses to not do the acts.

TheRowdyRoddyPiper · 14時間前

Becauze you're the one she settled with.

Profdiddy · 2時間前

If it was just no buttstuff because she was pressured by an ex I could understand. As someone who has converted the inexperienced to their kink, I am suspicious that it is some kind of shame about her sexuality. I could say therapist but that is the go to on these subs. I think you did a very good thing opening up a line of communication. Some people experiment in their youth and think that when they get into an ltr they have to assume some archetype of what it means to be in the relationship. They fall into comfortable roles they observe in parents, media, fiction. Then they repress until miserable. Communication is key. Start slow but keep at it. Do not let this go on as is. I don't want to see you in r/deadbedrooms in ten years.

Yop333 · 2時間前

It seems pretty obvious that she's not physically attracted to you and married you for other reasons.

modex20 · 1時間前

Check your PMs

billyboy5050 · 14時間前

She's not attracted to you. Do you make good money?

AFatHobbit · 14時間前

It took you SEVEN years to have this discussion??? I'm a girl, and I always talk about this stuff early on in a relationship. Sex is pretty important, after all. Just keep trying to get her to open up, without pressuring her. She's the only one who knows what goes on in her own head, so we really can't help you figure out why she would or would not do something. Good luck, OP!

BabaElvis · 7時間前

No oral?Why are you even putting up with her shit?

There are some wild and sexual women out there who'd rock your world.Leave your dead fish of a wife

blorgle · 9時間前

she sounds just kind of low libido in general

like i pretty much have no sexual desire. i get actually turned on like once a month. when i'm not turned on i can tolerate sex that doesn't last very long, but it's excruciatingly boring after like 10 minutes.

also, in females stuff relaxes and makes sex more fun where you're aroused. if you aren't actually aroused, sex is uncomfortable. deep penetration positions like doggy style can lead to your cervix getting banged up and painful shit, but missionary is less painful for having sex that you're not that into.

HelenAngel · 10時間前

I'm going to take this from a different angle than some of the other posters here.

You and your wife need to see a therapist. Don't put it off. Your wife may need to see a therapist separately as well.

The reason I say that is because if it was truly just a "yeah, I tried it and didn't like it thing", she would not be both adamantly refusing to do but also extremely reluctant to talk about it. My best guess here is that she either felt coerced and/or there was some abuse going on at some point. Either way, it's lead her to associate extreme negativity with even fairly normal sexual acts (like different positions and receiving oral sex). If it was just she didn't like it, she would have said it without you having to drag it out of her. The fact that there is so much resistance here makes me think there is a deeper underlying issue here. It's one that you cannot fix alone and one that can cause serious issues later in the relationship and outside of the bedroom- especially if you have kids and as they grow older.

As life partners, both of you need to be satisfied and happy in the relationship. I don't agree with posters telling you to just get over it because a) it sounds like there are deeper issues there with her that can manifest in other ways and b) you will end up resenting her. At very least, couple's therapy is a must (and the best time to go to therapy is BEFORE it gets to a do-it-or-divorce point when you're both still committed to making the marriage work).

kitcat_kittycat · 9時間前

A lot of high school and college-aged women go through the experience of doing sexual acts that they aren't comfortable doing and don't feel good because they feel they have to in order to placate their partner. They're old enough to engage in regular sexual activity, but not mature enough to feel comfortable asserting their wants and needs. At best, it's a sad time of their life and they're able to move on. At worst they come out of it with a negative attitude towards sex altogether, and even relatively common acts like foreplay or doggy style are assumed to be unpleasant because they are associated with those awful memories and feelings.

The fact that your wife did that stuff and is now angry and embarrassed about talking about it points to that kind of bad shit going down in her past. I think it is tremendously uncharitable for you to just assume she saved all the Good Sex for Hot Guys and now she's settled for Mr. Beta. I dearly hope you have not raised that idea to her.

However--that is not a license for her to just shut down and not talk to you. You guys have to be able to communicate about your feelings about this. If she has dealt with sex-related coercion that's limiting her interest now then it would behoove her to get counseling. Or at the very least the two of you should go to couples' counseling so there is a calm mediator who can help you talk to each other about this and work out a solution.

Swagzor · 7時間前

I really don't understand how everyone here can say to OP that it's because 'she had some bad experiences'. No fking way doggy style is a bad experience. Or giving and even RECEIVING oral sex. Yes, sometimes something could be a bad experience, anal for example, but that doesn't mean that it is a bad experience all the time or with everyone. She should at least try it. Especially because OP is her husband. It seems she is just not that attracted to him as she was to her exes.

No_regrats · 13時間前

I don't know whether she did these things regularly and enjoyed them, or tried them once and hated them.

It seems like an important information to know before freaking the fuck out. If she tried stuff and hated it, then it stands to reason that she won't do them with you. If she felt like she didn't have much choice and hated it, it's logical she stop now that she does have a choice. If she regularly did it and enjoyed it, then that's quite a different story. Basically, have an in depth discussion with her before anything else.

You also have an unsatisfying sex life for both of you. Independently of that new information, that's something to work on, which you've been doing for a while without success. Would seeing a sex counselor together be an option?

ramblemn · 3時間前

doggy style and oral aren't exactly extreme sexual methods.

"my wife, who limits us to 2 minute 2 position quickies"

thats a HUGE thing right there. She's limiting you, so basically, she's in charge. She refuses to talk about it. Another huge issue.

sex is part of marriage. If she won't talk about it, she's withholding honesty and relationship information from you. May as well lie to you. Push the issue. Get it discussed.

if you give an ultimatum... dude, STICK TO IT.

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