Hi. Been reading this thread for a while, and am going to try a more empathetic response, which I find is a better way to explain things than being insulting ;) People here haven't honestly done a good job of explaining why they are downvoting you. Part of it is that we see a lot of claims similar to yours around here, and they tend to be associated with some things that polyamorists are against.

I personally think /u/FreeAdviceHere's post is really good. It touched on two things: sexual attraction, and an analogy to your preferences. From your reply, I believe you mostly focused on the sexual attraction, but the real point that they made was done in the analogy.

Even though it's hard after the generally unhelpful and insulting responses you've gotten, I would recommend you take a deep breath, and re-read the post and try to "live it" as if it was happening to you.

So let me say a few things.

• I think that you are a good communicator in that you have no problem stating your needs. Far too many people fail to do this, and that can destroy relationships. You state your boundaries clearly ("I do not date women that are dating other men"), and are assertive in making sure people don't step on them. A lot of people let others step on their boundaries and breed resentment until, you've guessed it, the relationship breaks. You also don't project your boundaries onto other people as rules such as "you cannot date other men". So you're fully recognising other people's agency, which far too few people seem to do, even here, even among people who've responded negatively. What you do is react to a breach of your personal boundaries by distancing yourself, but you clearly do this respectfully. That is wonderful. I don't think any of this is why you're getting flak - honestly, to me personally, this is a particularly healthy and respectful way to live.

• I do not question your strength, your independence, your worth, or your moral fibre in standing up to oppression. From your post, it seems like you fight the fights you see that need to be fought.

• I'd say most poly men aren't sexually or romantically attracted to other men, so in that sense you're in the majority. This is not why people are responding negatively.

On to what I actually want to say, to try to help you understand where people here are coming from. Regarding that 2nd point, notice how I said "you fight the fights you see that need to be fought". And there's something to be said about the fights we do not see. Those are the toughest, because you're not even aware they exist. It happened to me for feminism (I thought we lived in a post-sexism world, LOL), for sex-negativity, polyamory, racism, etc. I was blind to those issues until I was made to see them - and all of those were painful and complicated experiences, with a lot of reflexion and doubting of self-worth.

Which leads us to the last point. Every one of your posts focuses on how not being with girls that are with other men is a sexual orientation, and that sexual orientation is entirely genetically determined. I think people are having problems with two things in that statement.

First, that sexual orientation is genetically determined: ancient greek men were romantically mostly into other men. Love with a woman was seen as lesser. I highly doubt they had a genetic mutation - they simply lived in a society where love between men was normal. I know this has been the argument used towards legalisation of gay marriage, and that for some people, this certainly seems to be true. I don't think it's true as a norm, and I've seen quite a few articles saying that it's time to move beyond these "born-this-way" arguments that help noone. Sexuality is a spectrum, and I'd say it's in constant flow.

Second, people are disagreeing (quite vehemently) that not being with women that are with other men is a sexual orientation, and therefore free of any critique or analysis (which would follow from the first "born-this-way" argument).

And this, I feel, is the main problem. By taking this preference for not being with women being with other men as sexual orientation, and taking sexual orientation as immutable and predefined, then you are entirely sidestepping the examination of why you feel this way.

It turns out that for most people with a one-penis-policy, which you've read about in this thread and appear to practice, these preferences are associated with toxic notions of masculinity that, as a society, we need to get rid of. It's really not just a preference, it's that we were told that if "our woman" is with another man, then we are lesser, we lose our all-important masculinity, our independence, our worth as men, and that our property (the woman) has been taken from us, made use of, and is now less worthy.

Please understand that we do think about it in these terms - I definitely don't, but it doesn't erase the fact that the OPP is still a symptom of this kind of very, very subliminal thinking and beliefs that we hold not consciously, but unconsciously. And, respectful as you are about your boundaries, the boundaries themselves may stem from the sexist society you've been brought up in. They might be sexist in themselves, and therefore help sustain institutional sexism.

What people here would really like you to do, and man oh man did they do a terrible job of explaining themselves, is to get rid of the assumption that "this is just who you are, end of story", and examine why you are this way. What societal influences were exerted on you to make you feel this way? What are the nature of those influences? Are they harmless, or do they perpetuate behaviours that we need to be working to extinguish? How do you feel, exactly, if a woman desires another man? Why do you feel that way? Why do you feel the need to part ways if they are interested in someone else? If your relationship is wonderful, what does the addition of something independent of you to their life change the way your relationship works?

These are things that it's really important to us, as cis white men (or who pass this way), to examine. I feel like you understand the idea of privilege and use yours to fight the good fight, so hopefully you will understand that there might be something here that you should examine.

Sorry for the long post, but hopefully this is better than just downvotes and cynicism! Keep in touch!