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JudgyBitch

The radical notion that women are adults

Letting my husband sleep with other women makes me a better men’s rights activist

As I write this, my children are asleep in their room, Robin Thicke is on the stereo, and my husband is out on a date with a woman named Pammy. It’s his second date this week; his fourth this month so far. If it goes like the others, he’ll come home in the middle of the night, crawl into bed beside me, and tell me all about how he and Pammy had sex. I won’t explode with anger or seethe with resentment. I’ll tell him it’s a hot story and I’m glad he had fun. It’s hot because he’s excited, and I’m glad because I’m a men’s rights activist.
Before my husband started sleeping with other women, I certainly considered myself a men’s rights activist, but I really only understood it in the abstract. When I quit working to stay at home with the kids, I began to understand it on a whole new level. I am an employment-free housewife with zero obligations to provide for our family financially. Now that I understand the reality of that situation, I don’t blame men for demanding more for themselves than the life of a wage-slave.
Still, as a woman, I could, if I wanted to, portray what I’m doing as “work,” and thus claim for myself the prestige men traditionally derive from “work.” Whenever I tell someone I stay home with the kids, they invariably say, “Hardest work in the world.” They say this because the only way to account for a woman at home with the kids is to say what she’s doing is hard work.
It wasn’t until my husband mentioned one evening that he’d kissed another woman and liked it and wanted to do more than kiss next time that I realized how my status as a woman depended on a single fact: that my husband fucked only me.
He didn’t present it as an issue of men’s rights activism to me, but after much soul-searching about why the idea of my husband having sex with other women bothered me I came to a few conclusions: Monogamy meant I controlled his sexual expression, and, not to get all men’s-studies major about it, gynocentrism essentially boils down to a woman’s fear that a man with sexual agency is a man she can’t control. We aren’t afraid of their intellect or their spirit or their ability to give us children. We are afraid that when it comes time for sex, they won’t choose us. This petty fear has led us as a culture to place judgments on the entire spectrum of male sexual expression: If a man likes sex, he’s a pig and objectifies women; if he only likes sex with his wife or girlfriend, he’s boring and whipped; if he doesn’t like sex at all, he’s a virgin and a neckbeard. Every option is a trap.
Men’s rights activism always comes back to sex, even when we’re talking about everything else. The point isn’t that all men should be sexual adventurers. Celibacy is as valid an expression of sexuality as profligacy. The point is that it should be men who choose, not women — even the women they’re married to. For my husband, the choice between honoring our vows and fulfilling his desires was a false choice, another trap. He knew how deep our love was, and knew that him wanting a variety of sexual experiences as we traveled through life together would not diminish or disrupt that love. It took me about six months — many long, intense conversations, and an ocean of red wine — before I knew it, too.
When my husband told me he wanted to open our marriage and take other lovers, he wasn’t rejecting me, he was embracing himself. When I understood that, I finally became a men’s rights activist.
That was two years ago, and today we’ve never been happier, more in tune, closer, tighter, stronger. Whatever power I surrendered, I don’t miss. I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, but I tell everyone it works for us.
How does it feel? It feels great … mostly. Most of the time, it feels like a mature, responsible way to address our needs and desires within our loving, mutually supportive marriage. It feels very adult, especially because it depends on open, honest communication. We take great pride in all the talking we do. I meet a lot of people who say they’ll never get married because they don’t want to get divorced, and hearing it always makes me sad, because they are cutting themselves off from the possibility of the magic that happens when two people share their lives. People don’t divorce because they can’t stand sharing anymore; they divorce because they feel like they can’t share enough. I never forget that my husband is a whole person unto himself, a complete and dynamic individual, and though we are together, we’re not one. Too often people get trapped in the roles of husband and wife, and a gulf opens between what they think they should be and who they really are. Opening our marriage has allowed us to close that gap so that the person I call “husband” is the same person my husband sees in the mirror. Lying to each other begins with lying to yourself, and now we don’t have to lie to anyone.
There are of course moments of jealousy, resentment, and insecurity. Recently, my husband went on a date and fell asleep at her apartment. I hadn’t heard from him since 10 p.m., he still wasn’t home at 6 a.m. My texts went unanswered and my calls went to voicemail. A tight knot of dread lodged in my stomach as I imagined all kinds of dire scenarios and realized that I not only didn’t know where he was, I had no idea whom he was with. I pictured myself going to the police saying, “I think he’s in Red Hook with a chick named Rachel. I don’t know her last name, but I think she’s a graphic designer?” I’m not sure there’s actually a word for the unique blend of acute terror and unforgivable shame I felt that morning imagining that I’d lost my husband to Rachel, the maybe graphic designer. When he finally texted me at 7:30 a.m., relief coursed through me like morphine. He wrote, “fuckfuckfuckfuck Im soooooo sorry. Fell asleep.” I replied, “Just glad you’re ok, but next time, no radio silence. Remember: you’re not alone.”
What surprises most people is when I tell them it’s not the sex-with-other-women that bothers me. The sex is the easy part, the fun part. It’s what the sex connects to, stands for, reveals that can be difficult. I don’t want him to fall in love with anyone else, and every time he goes on a date, I confront the possibility that he might. It happened at the beginning: The first person he dated after we opened up fell hard in love with him, and my husband, overwhelmed by his ardor, tried to love her back. Watching it happen, I was confused, angry, and terrified that he wanted to leave me. He assured me he didn’t, and whatever feelings he had for her didn’t lessen what he felt for me. Believing him then was the ultimate trust exercise. We survived because eventually I did believe him, and also because I learned to trust myself.
This has been the great challenge of my open marriage: to draw strength from vulnerability. Doing so requires supreme self-confidence. You must first really, truly love yourself; it is the foundation upon which all the other love is built. From everywhere comes the message that what I’m doing is for abused women, victims, doormats, pathetic women with internalized misogyny; that if I had money and status, I could keep my husband “in line”; that his self-discovery comes at the expense of my self-esteem. My open marriage has made heavy demands on my ability to silence the voice of doubt in my head, that gnawing feeling of worthlessness. But I find I can meet those demands, and that I am able to build my self-confidence out of nothing more than the basic dignity we all possess. I’m grateful to my husband for pushing us to take this leap, and whatever happens to us in the future I would do it all again. And when he comes home tonight and crawls into bed beside me with a hot story about his date with Pammy, he’ll do it all again, too.

Can you believe this shit?

Of course, I reversed the genders from the original article, but if this were some man, bullying his wife over time and plying her with alcohol until she finally agreed that she couldn’t really be a men’s rights activist or care about men unless she let him fuck other women, feminists would be up in arms, explaining all the ways this is abuse and the woman is completely beaten down dog with no agency or will left.
Read Milo Yiannapoulos’, take on this – it’s pretty hilarious:
The logic is simple, if you think about it. Men are canny about cutting out the middleman whenever possible. If their wives are screwing them by consorting with other men, why not simplify everything by being screwed by men themselves? Think about what Sonmore has to show for his marriage today. A Starbucks gift card from his wife’s latest boyfriend Paulo, with the message, “Please enjoy this latte while I enjoy your wife”?
We’re entering a brave new world where a small group of alpha straights share the most attractive women at will, while the rest of the male population hops over to my side of the pond, having bought into the tenets of modern feminism, which include daily testicular torture, ritual consumption of tampons, and a compulsory 5,000 lines of “Yes, You Can Be The Man Tonight, Honey” to be written in their own blood.
Face it ladies, you blew it. Your abandonment of traditional marriage values like monogamy and taking care of your husband’s domestic needs in order to embrace the quick and dirty pleasures of handsome strangers with Spanish names has created the coming wave of cuckolds that are barely a hair away from dropping to their knees for another dude.
So this is the end game feminists imagine? A bunch of pussy-whipped househusbands too frightened of their overlords to demand a bit of respect and monogamy? Any guy who buys into this deserves what he gets, just as any woman who thinks she has to let her husband fuck around on her deserves what she gets. Truly open marriages, embraced by both partners openly and enthusiastically is none of my business and I wish those people all the best.
This woman bullied her husband for months, made him economically dependent on her, plied him with alcohol and mentally manipulated him into thinking that the basic tenets of marriage were oppressing her. And it was his fault. He has not consented to this relationship, making all sex between them rape. It is coerced, therefore rape.
This is what an abusive wife looks like.
What a cunt.
Both of them.
Lots of love,
JB
 

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          • Partha Sadhukhan a month ago
            Hi Janet,
            As you know I am a great fan of your blog, this particular article prompted me to write about this as well. Since I am a man I have written about it in my style. I hope you will like this too..
            Partha
            The Male Factor
              see more
              • Joshua Petersen a month ago
                Until I got to the "Can you believe this Shit" I had no problem with this article. Also, when I read it, I didn't have a problem with the other article.
                  see more
                  • Carchamp1 a month ago
                    JB,
                    So, I was seeing my therapist (a divorced woman) yesterday, and we briefly got into gender issues, which we sometimes do. As all of we amateur biologists do she mentioned that biologically women are much more inclined to desire monogamous relationships. I don't know, but I think this is probably right. It's certainly true in my own marriage.
                    You wrote,
                    "... just as any woman who thinks she has to let her husband fuck around on her deserves what she gets."
                    I'll ask you what I asked her, in our culture why are we asking men to live like women?
                    Even as a MRA I think you're missing this. Not that long ago men often had mistresses and it was hardly the scandal it is now. I, for one, am tired of living in this feminist world. Shouldn't men's rights encompass the end of stigmatizing a man's sexuality? Shouldn't husbands be able to "fuck around" if they want to and not have his wife think she's being hard-done by it?
                      see more
                      • That_Susan > Carchamp1 a month ago
                        I would say that we need to refuse to stigmatize ANYONE'S sexuality, male or female. Also, while your therapist is probably right about women in general being more desirous of monogamous relationships, I think there's a lot of overlap in this area. I even think the most recent statistics show women to be about as inclined to men to commit adultery.
                        To me, it's just a matter of being honest with our spouses about what each of us wants -- ideally prior to marriage, but since some of us learn new stuff about ourselves later in life, we should at least be honest at the point where we become aware that we want something different than what we made vows to do.
                        I realize that the main stigma attached to female infidelity is the idea of a man never being sure whether the children he's taking care of are actually his biological children, and this is most certainly still a legitimate concern today. But I would add that a husband who fathers children with other women and ends up paying child support to those women has also made a decision to rob his wife and children of resources, which can be especially harmful to all but the wealthiest families.
                        So husbands and wives who decide to have an open marriage while they are still fertile (prior to menopause or surgical sterilization for the woman and prior to surgical sterilization for the man) would be really wise to avoid penile-vaginal intercourse and limit themselves to other forms of sexual expression whenever they are with anyone other than their spouse.
                        As far as situations where one person prefers being monogamous while the other would really like to "fuck around," no one is "being hard-done by" as long as they've reached a mutual agreement about this, and as long as the polyamorous spouse stays in tune with the things that are important to the monogamous spouse.
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                      • Jack Bower a month ago
                        Everybody here is missing the important question: "is his wife hot?" Cuz we all know she's available!
                          see more
                        • Tom Simunovic a month ago
                          Both sides in an intimate relationship want to control each other, but for different reasons: he wants to create a family and for that he needs an obedient wife. She, on the contrary, does not want to create a family. Her goal is to exploit him 100%, i.e. to force him to provide maximum amount of useful and luxury goods and services to her. And reproductive activities (sex, kids and family) are her tools to exploit him.
                          If you interview men and women how much they desire a family, typical answers will be:
                          He: I want many wives, kids, adopted kids, big house for all and I would invest all my time and money.
                          She: I want family later, I would not invest even 1c to achieve it, and as small family as possible, preferably zero persons. But, I also want a big house, to fill with my shoes and luxury objects. TS
                            see more
                          • Kiran Buenafe a month ago
                            So some white knight, beta male is getting played by his wife 4 times a month. Well, that dude is a moron, but whatever rocks his jolleys is his business. I'm not stupid enough to let an article like that allow me to ever think infidelity is a good thing, be it men or women perpetrating it. What it really boiled down to with that guy was that his "wife" had no concept of loyalty and he didn't have the spine to ditch the bitch. Well, his bad. I won't make the same mistake. Neither should any other man or woman. If your mate can't be loyal, find another one.
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                              • Mr Archivist a month ago
                                Bwahahahaha! I wrote a post about this (http://www.kurt-anderson.com/m..., but yours hit the mark *way* better than mine ever could! Well done, as usual.
                                  see more
                                  • skillet a month ago
                                    agree, mofo has allowed himself to be transformed by feminist ideology to the point fo stupidity. and he really screwed up by agreeing. Now he cannot sue her ass, get alimony and the kids. Amazing the depths of humiliation brainwashed people submit to.
                                    But at least he gets to be groovy and trendy with the liberal crowd.
                                    Damn mangina.
                                      see more
                                    • Acethepug a month ago
                                      HAHAHAHA! I loved this, recognized the gender-swap (the original article has been making the rounds lately), and I agree. Had your gender-swap been the actual article, much screaming of "abuse!" and "Rapist!" and the like would have resulted.
                                      Great post, as always :)
                                        see more
                                        • RV a month ago
                                          I read the original and think it's a sly subversive dig at male feminists in particular and feminism in general. I hope it is anyway, it's very sad if it's actually real. Paulo really? C'mon...
                                            see more
                                            • Magnus a month ago
                                              "Monogamy meant I controlled his sexual expression, and, not to get all men’s-studies major about it, gynocentrism essentially boils down to a woman’s fear that a man with sexual agency is a man she can’t control."
                                              I would argue that this statement holds a lot more true than the original text. Mainly because women use sex as a tool for manipulation way more than men do. "Withholding sex" is a concept that women do, and men has done to them. I have not ever heard of the opposite.
                                              So when "withholding sex" is no longer a weapon, they yeah they lose power.
                                                see more
                                                • Magnus a month ago
                                                  Reminds me of this thing I read last night:
                                                  http://imgur.com/gallery/Kp07c...
                                                  There is a some contextual morality in the picture here isn't there? I mean women are perfectly happy to be "open", because they think they have "their man" all figured out, and all under control.
                                                  Once they find out they aren't actually in control they flip out.
                                                  In either case I think any woman I date or god forbid marry who want's to "open things up" just opens the door up for them to leave me the fuck alone.
                                                    see more
                                                    • Maya a month ago
                                                      Phew! Half way through you had me convinced! How gullible am I? Lol! My boyfriend almost had the best surprise from me!
                                                        see more
                                                        • That_Susan > Maya a month ago
                                                          Do you mean that you would have moved into an open relationship just because you thought JB was in one?
                                                            see more
                                                            • Maya > That_Susan a month ago
                                                              Hmm, no, I wouldn't put it like that. But I took the arguments on face value (silly me!) and found them convincing enough to consider letting my bf have sex with someone else, to gauge my feelings to it... my circumstances are different though, we are not married, no children etc, so fewer people to get hurt. In fact, I'm still sort of considering it, even though the post was a spoof...
                                                                see more
                                                                • J Peters > Maya a month ago
                                                                  I was right there with you. It makes a lot more sense in the reversed context she wrote it in that in the original.
                                                                  Men are more evolutionarily hard-wired to be worried more about the exclusivity of their access to their spouse's reproductive organs whereas women tend to be more biologically prone to worrying about exclusive access to the spouse's affection and resources, so for a woman to trade something they aren't as concerned about (their man having sex with other women) for something they are (lifelong commitment in resources/affection) makes FAR more sense than the reverse (a man giving up the kind of sexual monopoly he's genetically predisposed to truly care about in exchange for the kind of resource/affection commitment a women wants but he doesn't really need) isn't a fair trade for the man.
                                                                  It should all be spelled out before the marriage though, and nobody is "oppressing" anybody else by holding them to a promise they made in good faith.
                                                                    see more
                                                                  • Tom Simunovic > That_Susan a month ago
                                                                    JB is so influential, that she better simplifies her texts, so all people understand. If she changes roles and uses irony too much, fast readers and skippers can get wrong message. TS
                                                                      see more
                                                                  • j8888 a month ago
                                                                    My friend told me his wife wanted to have sex with me, and that I should. He explained that they are the closest couple he knows because they share all of their desires with each other.
                                                                    She has since, multiple times, attempted to initiate sex with me.
                                                                    At least I can deny her with a logical reason - "I don't fuck my friends' wives." I don't even have to say the truth that "I am not sexually attracted to you, so even if you were single it wouldn't happen."
                                                                    Its weird wondering if your friend will be offended when you refuse his wife. "No disrespect, but I don't want to fuck your wife" is a very odd combination of phrases.
                                                                      see more
                                                                      • Karl Ramboz a month ago
                                                                        I grew up with parents just like this. My father had jealousy he didn't dare confront my mother with, and my mother would passive-aggressively (and sometimes aggressively) punish him for his trysts, whilst superficially accepting everything and inviting these "extras" to family functions like Christmas dinner and such. I spent most of my younger adulthood being counsellor to my father, who would cry on my shoulder while mom went out for "pizza night" every Sunday. I never understood why my father was such a weak man, who would expose his kids to such chaos and negativity in the family.
                                                                        Both the man and the woman in the original story deserve the bullshit they created. Their kids will one day most likely consider themselves survivors. It's my firm belief that swingers are such pathological narcissists that being adored by just one partner isn't enough for them. It's clear their children are dead last in their priorities.
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                                                                          • Pierson Inny a month ago
                                                                            Janet, how do you reconcile this post with what you wrote here? : https://judgybitch.wordpress.c...
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                                                                              • sympdlp > Pierson Inny a month ago
                                                                                Not to knock Janet, but you got a point there. Now the linked article is almost 3 years ago, and she may or may not have changed her mind. I'd love to see a follow up from JudgyBitch (more extensive and less autonomic/defensive reaction like below). My take, at 53 now, is that it certainly is a form of cognitive dissonance, and that it can indeed be tempered with individual circumstances, but it's still a cop out in the vast vast majority of cases.
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                                                                                  • Karl Ramboz > Pierson Inny a month ago
                                                                                    My ex recently dumped her latest boyfriend for superficial reasons. Considering how hard I fought to keep our relationship together, she was surprised when I was deeply unhappy with this move. Then she looked at her feet when I asked how many more times will she break our daughter's heart.
                                                                                    Cheating is horrible. Treating people as objects that are easily replaceable is also terrible. Some people are so stupid they don't even treat cheating as a bad thing, because they can't even comprehend the needs of their own children. Marriage is something you fix and work at when it's not perfect.
                                                                                      see more
                                                                                      • Janet Bloomfield Mod > Pierson Inny a month ago
                                                                                        How does it appear different to you? Infidelity is not a reason to end a marriage - it's a sign that something has gone horribly wrong, and it needs to be remedied. I'm certainly not advocating that people engage in infidelity to prove their adherence to an ideology!
                                                                                        Oh wait. Are you one of the radical, humorless MGTOWs who can't perceive the joke in the last line? I know there are some out there, and I apologize in advance if you are not one of them, but good lord, they are as joyless a bunch of cherry-pickers as any social justice warrior or feminist ever was. The MGTOW version of the #NoFunBrigade.
                                                                                        And you will note that at no point have I ever said this is something I personally engage in, right? If you are married with children, and you refuse to meet your partner's needs, expect him to have them met elsewhere. And the same is true in reverse. It seems odd that I should need to spell out that the way to avoid infidelity is to remain connected to your partner and make sure their needs are being addressed.
                                                                                        Legitimate needs, of course. What the wife in the article is demanding is not a legitimate need.
                                                                                          see more
                                                                                          • b g > Janet Bloomfield a month ago
                                                                                            Sorry Janet, but for this old cowboy, the vows both you and myself promised clearly said..."and forsaking all others." If your words didn't mean anything before your lover and in front of both the families/friends (plus any religious powers one introduces), your word really doesn't mean anything whatsoever period.
                                                                                              see more
                                                                                              • Pierson Inny > Janet Bloomfield a month ago
                                                                                                If infidelity isn't a reason to end a marriage (or relationship w\kids, if I understand you correctly), then wouldn't permission of such behavior--via not ending the relationship-- ultimately lead to what's being described above? While you say that it means that something has gone wrong in a relationship, how wrong is it really if it's willingly and knowingly allow it to go on with no real consequences (such as allowing the relationship to continue)? While I'm absolutely not a man going his own way, nor am I particularly radical, everything said in jest ultimately has some truth to it. As such, while you might not engage in such behavior yourself, do you explicitly decry an individual getting their perceived 'needs' met elsewhere? What about acknowledging that one's happiness is ultimately their responsibility? Am I just overthinking this?
                                                                                                  see more
                                                                                                  • Yasmine > Pierson Inny a month ago
                                                                                                    There's a difference between accepting infidelity to keep one's family together, and writing about how wonderful it is and how it makes one a better person.
                                                                                                    I stayed with my partner when he had a teeny-tiny affair, not because I thought he was right to do it, but because I thought the negative impact of it was smaller than the positive of all the other things about our relationship. The author of the original article doesn't seem to think it a negative part of his relationship, even though it clearly makes him very stressed and worried at times. He thinks he *ought* to let his wife do this, which is very different from forgiving her and moving on if she was unfaithful without permission.
                                                                                                      see more
                                                                                                    • Michael G > Janet Bloomfield a month ago
                                                                                                      I sympathize with the MGTOW philosophy, even though I'm married. I suspect if my wife ever passed, that's where I'd end up. Honestly, it seems like the final stage for any MRA to ultimately evolve into.
                                                                                                      An MRA recognizes the inherent disparity between the social standards of the two genders. He attempts then to rectify them and change the system from within. This thus far has met with overwhelming failure on his part. See, Feminists want you to try and play the game with them. They're entrenched deeply like ticks, and the narrative is their narrative. MRAs have been demonized as fringe reactionary extremists, the parallel to the misandrist feminazi, even though it's not true.
                                                                                                      And so, many MRAs continue to fight the good fight, while the MGTOW recognize that the only option at this point is to end the narrative entirely. Removing themselves from any relationship or dependency (whether for or to) women strips them of the power they currently possess. Feminism can't exist in a vacuum and without men to feed them attention and power, it'll collapse in on itself.
                                                                                                      You wouldn't play Monopoly where one player insisted that they deserved to start with all the utilities, railroads and triple the starting cash. MGTOW aren't trying to argue about equal property distribution and fair starting wealth like the MRAs, they're just refusing to play the game entirely until the rules are equal - likely because no one will play with the asshat demanding to start with extra.
                                                                                                      Then again, maybe feminism has battered me down to an extremely pessimistic view of the current state of affairs.
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                                                                                                        • J Peters > Michael G a month ago
                                                                                                          Sadly since women voters outnumber men, vote irrationally, and vote in ways that cause some men's job to be to violently impose the womens' will on nonconforming men then "going our own way" may not be enough to save us from their insanity much longer. Soon we may have no choice but to actively fight back. If we don't, and keep opting out of marriage and cohabitation, women will just vote themselves half of our paychecks (and don't think that much of the degeneracy being allowed in the west doesn't trace its way back to women's suffrage... Letting only landowning free white men vote sure wasn't fair, but with the high standard deviation for IQ in males, and with the lower end filtered out by their lack of land ownership it meant the voting pool had a MUCH higher IQ that the national average.)
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                                                                                                        • Kwang Pak > Pierson Inny a month ago
                                                                                                          Id say she thinks marriage shouldn't be abandoned so easily. But being loyal in a marriage is key to keep it from getting to abandonment stage? Idk, im not janet but i agree with both her statements.
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                                                                                                          • Mr. E a month ago
                                                                                                            Wow! How can I get *MY* wife to become a Men's Right's Activist... ????
                                                                                                            Hmmmm....
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                                                                                                              • Mojrim ibn Harb a month ago
                                                                                                                Bwahahahaha! The (odious but observant) PUAs have proven right once again. I guess guys like me will just share the spoils with guys like Milo until we all crash and burn.
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                                                                                                                  • Bruce Wayne a month ago
                                                                                                                    It's a fake article written by a troll to generate clicks and traffic for the website. The author has no posting history whatsoever and a Google search of his name comes up empty. I would advise against linking to the website. It's exactly what they want.
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                                                                                                                    • ness a month ago
                                                                                                                      Nope, never. My man is with me and only me, or he's not. There is no in between.
                                                                                                                        see more
                                                                                                                      • Ladydonnalands a month ago
                                                                                                                        Doesn't take long for the debauchery and wh oring around to start. Thank you liberals for being psychos thinking with your evil carnal hearts!
                                                                                                                          see more
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