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My husband (35/m)'s friend (34/m) is getting progressively creepier toward me (26/f) and I'm scared.◉ Locked Post ◉ (self.relationships)

myprivacypolicy が 投稿

Hi reddit,

So my husband and I have been married for two years, together for four. Ken, my husband, is a wonderful, sweet, trusting, caring man who works hard to support us and never has a bad thought about anybody. We've been trying for our first child since April.

Ken and Toby have been friends since college. Toby seemed like an all right guy at first. He's a pretty standard macho man type (nothing like my husband) but they have a really strong friendship and are extremely close. Toby was there for Ken during an extremely tough breakup and his mom's cancer; Ken helped Toby through the death of his wife (illness related, I'm not clear on details) and also, this is relevant later, through a false rape accusation in his mid-twenties. The rape accusation was, as I understand it, proven to be completely false, no basis whatsoever. Not like "we don't have enough evidence" but like "this definitively did not occur."

Toby lost his job in June and has been staying with us since July, while he looks for a new one. I didn't mind at first. I'm kind of a private person and don't love having him around all the time (I work from home) but he seemed fine in the beginning and I wasn't going to stand in the way of Ken doing his buddy a much-needed favor. Things have gotten worse and worse, though, and now I'm extremely uncomfortable in my own home. Examples:

Toby makes comments about my body a lot. This started about a week after he moved in. He stares openly. He'll make jokes about my butt. He's hinted on a couple occasions that I should lose weight (I'm 5'5, 125 pounds). He tells me I should dress sexier, "for Ken."

He's very handsy. He frequently reaches over me when it's not really necessary (like to get the remote control when he could have just asked me to hand it to him) and always brushes against my breasts. Once he came up behind me when I was bending over and ran his fingers from my crotch up to my back. I was horrified and yelled at him but he just laughed at me.

He came in the bathroom once when I was taking a shower. I screamed at him to leave. He did, after he drew a pair of boobs in the fogged up shower door. I lock the bathroom door now, obviously.

I fell asleep watching a movie two days ago and when I woke up my bra was unhooked and the button on my jeans was undone. I can't prove he did anything but I'm pretty sure he did.

I'm scared, at this point. I have told Ken almost from the beginning, but he doesn't fucking believe me. He thinks I'm imagining things and although he hasn't said it, there seems to be a pretty clear undertone that he's not going to accuse his friend of anything like that when there was already the really tough false rape accusation thing which very nearly ruined Toby's life.

Ken assures me that Toby will only be here until he finds a job, and seems to think that will be soon. Two months ago wouldn't have been soon enough. I spend as little time in the house as possible. Toby acts perfectly normal and friendly whenever Ken is around, absolutely no hint whatsoever of the skincrawling creepiness when we're alone in the house.

How can I make Ken believe me and kick Toby out???

TL;DR: husband's creepy friend is staying in our house. My husband doesn't believe me and/or is unwilling to accuse his friend of anything. What can I do?

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[–]coloradyo 41ポイント42ポイント  (1子コメント)

After the whole crotch thing, I would have just told him to get the fuck out without even talking to your husband, as well as threatening (and following up on) calling the police.

Your husband isn't the one with the authority here. You are. This is your house, your body, and your safety. Let this slimy motherfucker find someone else to leech off of.

Consider also whether or not you want to have children with someone who takes his creepy douchebag friend's words over the safety and comfort of his wife.

[–]Hooty__McBoob 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'd have called the cops. OP - this is SEXUAL ASSAULT. CALL THE COPS.

[–]Sarahhhhhhhh8 80ポイント81ポイント  (11子コメント)

Your husband believes that you are lying that Toby ran his finger from your crotch to your back? He thinks you're making that up?

You need to have a very serious talk with him. Tell him exactly what you've said here. If he doesn't believe you, let him know that you'll be staying with your parents/friends/someone until Ken is no longer there, and that you want to go to marriage counseling to address the issue. He needs to realize what a big deal this is, and he needs to believe HIS WIFE.

[–]mesopotato 10ポイント11ポイント  (1子コメント)

This is way better advice than mine. Good call.

[–]Sarahhhhhhhh8 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

The police could also be an option! Really anything to get her husband to realize how serious this is.

[–]myprivacypolicy[S] 12ポイント13ポイント  (5子コメント)

I think he doesn't know what to believe. His wife is accusing his best friend of acting inappropriate sexually... something Toby has been accused of before (on a much larger scale) and turned out to be completely false. I have absolutely no proof.

He hasn't said "I don't believe you." He seems stuck on trying to come up with an alternate explanation that doesn't involve wrongdoing on either my part or Toby's. I think that he would/will come to realize I'm telling the truth but I don't know how long I can wait for that :/

[–]Sarahhhhhhhh8 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

Ugh. Yeah, I can see why he'd want to believe the best of both his friend and of you. But that's why you have to make him realize how serious it is by separating yourself from his friend. If you aren't there, there's less of a chance he'll be able to brush it away mentally.

[–]Hooty__McBoob 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Nope. He should be backing you up. Period.

[–]Mephistia 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Can you go stay with your parents orva family friend until Toby is gone? And when you leave, tell your husband that you're leaving because you don't feel safe in your home alone with Toby.

[–]jinkyjormpjomp 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

People are primed to believe the best about their loved ones. I bet he doesn't have the full story on that rape allegation that went away and simply chose to think the best of his friend.

Right now, he's comfortable and won't want to accept any information that will disrupt the status quo... that is until you make it clear in certain terms that his reluctance to to confront the issue will have consequences. Your bodily and emotional integrity are at risk. It's incumbent on you to get away from this situation and if he thinks he deserves you...it's on him to back you up.

[–]IdlyAdmiring -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

You've given him plenty of opportunity to do something and he hasn't stepped up, it's time for you to stop waiting for him to and take action to protect yourself.

[–]Better_than_Trajan 3ポイント4ポイント  (2子コメント)

Change the way you have talked about it in the past to your husband. Do something that makes this time different so he knows it's serious.

[–]myprivacypolicy[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I need to do this, but I don't know what a better way of approaching the subject would be.

[–]Better_than_Trajan 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

Usually I'm against it, but an ultimatum seems appropriate here. Friend or wife? Who's it going to be? You have 5 minutes to decide.

[–]Mystic-Spiral 46ポイント47ポイント  (0子コメント)

"ran his fingers from my crotch up to my back."

Stop. Right here. This is where this officially escalated to sexual assault. And then walking in on you in the shower? No. Absolutely not. None of this acceptable.

Frankly, at this point, I think you should file harassment charges. At the very least, if your husband does not take you seriously, then you need to leave the apartment for your own safety. Go stay with a friend or a relative, somewhere where you are not worried for your safety nor constantly being pawed at by someone who is supposed to be a friend.

Your husband should believe you and it's sickening to me that he doesn't. The fact that his wife has been assaulted and creeped on should have him kicking this turd out of the front door. But if he will not support you, then you need to take care of yourself and remove yourself from the situation to show him how serious you are about it.

It sucks because is is your home, but at this point, your well being needs to come first.

Do not go back until your husband listens to you seriously. Do not go back until that creeper has been kicked out.

Do file sexual assault charges.

If he doing this to the wife of his supposed best friend, then he is doing this to other women in his life. A paper trail needs to be started on him so that when, and I say when not if, another charge is filed, they can see that he has a history of this.

But first things first, pack up and leave. ASAP

[–]cardinal29 21ポイント22ポイント  (3子コメント)

Holy cow!

Your first step is to call him on all the bullshit. Loudly announce "stop touching me!" whenever he tries to "brush" up against you, state firmly "That is inappropriate, never talk about my appearance again," when he comments about your body.

I'm getting a vibe from this post that you haven't been complaining loud enough so that your husband does not take you seriously.

Is there a family or friend's house you can move to? Taking shelter elsewhere temporarily might make your husband WAKE THE FUCK UP.

[–]myprivacypolicy[S] 11ポイント12ポイント  (2子コメント)

Your first step is to call him on all the bullshit. Loudly announce "stop touching me!" whenever he tries to "brush" up against you, state firmly "That is inappropriate, never talk about my appearance again," when he comments about your body.

I've done this a few times. I feel really awkward about it, even though I know I shouldn't. Whenever I respond this way, Toby acts like I'm being crazy and way overreacting.

I may be wrong, and I don't want to victim shame, but I'm getting a vibe from this post that you've been quiet so far, and that your husband does not take you seriously.

You probably aren't wrong about this. It doesn't help than Toby is the picture of friendliness (to both of us) whenever Ken is around, and I'm the one being cold to him.

[–]RememberKoomValley 12ポイント13ポイント  (0子コメント)

Timidity about your own awkwardness is a weapon that the bad people of the world will use against you.

See, feeling awkward, that's a social spur. You feel awkward because you're doing something that goes against what you've internalized as the proper way to socialize.

But this guy? He's using your fear of awkwardness as a shield around himself.

Make it awkward. Make a great big hollering fuss. Make NOISE. Because the noise means safety. Do it EVERY TIME. Your husband acts like you're overreacting, fuck him. Make noise.

[–]cardinal29 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

He sounds like a straight up psycho.

Please, OP. Get the hell out of there. This sounds like a Lifetime movie with a bad, bad ending.

Even if your husband doesn't believe you, TRUST that little voice in your head. Your instincts are telling you that this is going to be a shit show, protect yourself.

[–]RememberKoomValley 16ポイント17ポイント  (0子コメント)

Go to CaptainAwkward.com, and in the search bar put "My friend group has a case of the Creepy Dude." There's a TON of good advice for similar situations there.

And for now...this sucks, it's awful, but OP you need to sit your husband down and say "Either your shitty friend leaves by the end of the week, or I am." And then STICK TO IT. Go stay with family, or with friends, or get a hotel room. Show him the Captain Awkward post. Give him a list of the various assaults and harassments that this jackfuck has performed against you.

And if your husband makes the right choice, still you need to go to couple's therapy with him. He doesn't believe you that you are being sexually assaulted in your own home? You deserve better.

[–]Jani2349 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think you should move out today and tell your husband you won't be moving back in until his friend is gone. Tell your husband that you will be willing to discuss this with him in marriage counseling.

And if there are more incidents with Toby, I think you should call the police. Maybe they can't do anything. But you call them, you get them to come out an make a report, you get a paper trail started on this creep.

[–]chanilastname 21ポイント22ポイント  (5子コメント)

Nannycam.

[–]myprivacypolicy[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (4子コメント)

This is a good idea. I'll look into it.

[–]Better_than_Trajan 13ポイント14ポイント  (2子コメント)

No. This guy needs to go now. You don't need to be harassed even further.

[–]chanilastname 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

True but her husband seems to be in some sort of crazy denial and seeing the evidence may help him to snap out of it. Bad situation all around. I would have either insisted the friend be kicked out of I would have left after the finger on the crotch incident. Perhaps this isn't an option for Op.

[–]chanilastname 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Still your husband trusting his friend over you is worrying. He should always have your back.

[–]strange_people 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

Toby makes comments about my body a lot. This started about a week after he moved in. He stares openly. He'll make jokes about my butt. He's hinted on a couple occasions that I should lose weight (I'm 5'5, 125 pounds). He tells me I should dress sexier, "for Ken."

Don't be alone with him in the room, maybe keep a recording device with you (some are pencil-like small) in your hand so you can record it immediately if he begins verbally harassing you.

He's very handsy. He frequently reaches over me when it's not really necessary (like to get the remote control when he could have just asked me to hand it to him) and always brushes against my breasts. Once he came up behind me when I was bending over and ran his fingers from my crotch up to my back. I was horrified and yelled at him but he just laughed at me.

Tell your husband, set up cameras. Your husband has to BELIEVE you. If he disrespects you being abused in your own home, move out for a few days until he is eager to listen to you.

He came in the bathroom once when I was taking a shower. I screamed at him to leave. He did, after he drew a pair of boobs in the fogged up shower door. I lock the bathroom door now, obviously.

Maybe the "false rape accusation" was not false at all? Can you get in touch with the woman?

You need to gather evidence, like shouting "Don't you dare touch me inappropriately like you just did, what the hell are you thinking of? Don't touch my breasts again!" - and also his response (laughing, excuses etc.)

Geez. Stay with your family or friends until he moves out. Your husband has to face the truth - being a "bro" over a "husband"? Nope.

[–]1disposabledick 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

Holy shit. I don't even know where to start. You are being sexually harassed and molested in your own home and your husband does not believe you. HE ISN'T PROTECTING YOU. He has already picked his side, you don't convince him of anything. He has already chosen to believe that you are the type of person who would falsely accuse another of sexual assault or at the very least that you are delusional. I literally do not see how your marriage can recover from that. He is not a "wonderful, sweet, trusting, caring man". If this man rapes you your husband will not believe you and will not keep you safe. You need to get the fuck out yesterday and report this to the police.

[–]LittleMissP 7ポイント8ポイント  (3子コメント)

You pack a bag and you go stay elsewhere. You inform your husband that you will return when Rapey McGrab-a-crotch is gone. When you come home, you want an apology for him not taking you seriously and expecting you to just deal with being sexually assaulted by his creepy friend. I also advise filing a police report. They won't be able to do anything but given he already has other independent accusations, it will help build a pattern of behaviour on his record.

[–]myprivacypolicy[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

I understand why people are telling me to go to the police, but I really don't want to. Especially if they can't do anything anyway. Telling Ken or reddit about this is one thing, I don't want to go over it with some stranger in person. I just want him out.

[–]TheTripleH 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

You're going to let him do this to other women? Not even a simple report to scare him?

[–]HourglassPhenom 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

It's very upsetting that your husband doesn't believe you. You are his wife and he should never invalidate what you say or feel. Sit him down and tell him that you are deadly serious, and if he doesn't believe you and take action, you will call the police on the other guy. Tell the guy the same thing. Set up a computer, phone or many can to start recording when you are alone with him.

[–]bartallen4790 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

Start audio and/or video recording at all times, then shove that in your husband's face.

[–]Smokeahontas 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm generally not a fan of ultimatums, but your situation desperately needs one.

Sit your husband down. Repeat everything this creep has done to you. Tell your husband, "Either Toby goes, or I go."

Then hold to that. If your husband refuses, leave. If that shakes him up enough to kick Toby out, insist on marriage counseling before you move back in. It is incredibly troubling that your husband doesn't have your back when you are afraid for your safety, and that needs to be addressed before you two can continue with a healthy marriage.

[–]squirrel_statue 7ポイント8ポイント  (2子コメント)

there was already the really tough false rape accusation thing

how sure are you about the 'false' aspect of that?

[–]RememberKoomValley 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

Boy, there's a bet I wouldn't take.

[–]myprivacypolicy[S] 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

Very sure. I've never met the woman in question but apparently he was in a different state when the rape was supposed to have happened, and she later admitted that she made it up.

[–]mesopotato 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Tell Toby if something like that happens again, you'll call the police. Follow through with that.

[–]DRHdez 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

It's ultimatum time. Tell your husband your friend leaves or you do.

[–]treetoptree 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hi Husband. Toby leaves or I do because I shouldn't have to live in fear in my own home.

[–]the-uss-defiant 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

This man is a ticking time bomb. I work in a DV shelter and as uncomfortable as it is to say, if this man hasn't already raped a woman (earlier false accusation or not), he will. His behavior has escalated and it will only get worse if he gains confidence from knowing you won't be believed by your own husband. This man is a predator and your husband has ingested his Kool Aid. Be sure to document was has been happening, and to check in with a friend often - that way you have more evidence should you decide to talk to police.

Edit: a word

[–]MiddFoxx 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Go to a hotel for the night and make your husband realise you're serious. You've been incredibly kind to Toby and he's responding by sexually harassing you, his best friend's wife, in your own home. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected in your own home. Don't allow your husband to be disrespected in his own home.

The slimeball needs to go.

[–]SilentBill 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your husband is being a dismissive shithead. If my wife told me my friend touched her crotch like that it would be hard not to put my foot up his ass.

[–]thruaways 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your husband thought you were imagining him draw boobs on a fogged up shower door?

[–]Aggggggnes 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm sorry, but from what you are saying, his behaviour is escalating. I don't want to unnecessarily scare you, but I would be seriously afraid of my well-being in this situation - you shouldn't be alone with this guy anymore. And you should definitely tell your husband that NOW is time for a VERY serious discussion and if he still doesn't understand it (from what you are saying, I understand that he hasn't even tried to confront him about it), it's time to move in with a friend or a relative until that creep is gone (if you want to go back to a husband who chose a friend over you).

[–]J25B2 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your husband is a spineless failure, and a pathetic excuse for a man