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Some of the consequences of Patriarchy.
Jessica Krammes Kirkland feeling like I'm fixing to preach about some Duggars
I know everybody is laughing about this Josh Duggar story. Oh, a DUGGAR on Ashley Madison, it's so rich! I wish more people would talk about Anna. I normally keep things light on Facebook, but let's talk about Anna. Let me tell you: Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. Anna Duggar was taught that her sole purpose in life, the most meaningful thing she could do, was to be chaste and proper, a devout wife, and a mother. Anna Duggar did that! Anna Duggar followed the rules that were imposed on her from the get-go and this is what she got in reward- a husband who she found out, in the span of 6 months, not only molested his own sisters, but was unfaithful to her in the most humiliating way possible. While she was fulfilling her "duty" of providing him with four children and raising them. She lived up to the standard that men set for her of being chaste and Godly and in return, the man who demanded this of her sought women who were the opposite. "Be this," they told her. She was. It wasn't enough.
What is Anna Duggar supposed to do? She can't divorce because the religious environment she was brought up would blame her and ostracize her for it. Even if she would risk that, she has no education and no work experience to fall back on, so how does she support her kids? From where could she summon the ability to turn her back on everything she ever held to be sacred and safe? Her beliefs, the very thing she would turn to for comfort in this kind of crisis, are the VERY REASON she is in this predicament in the first place. How can she reconcile this? Her parents have utterly, utterly failed her. Think of this: somewhere, Anna Duggar is sitting in prayer, praying not for the strength to get out and stand on her own, but for the strength to stand by this man she is unfortunately married to. To lower herself so that he may rise up on her back.
As a mother of daughters, this makes me ill. Parents, WE MUST DO BETTER BY OUR DAUGHTERS. Boys, men, are born with power. Girls have to command it for themselves. They aren't given it. They assume it and take it. But you have to teach them to do it, that they can do it. We HAVE to teach our daughters that they are not beholden to men like this. That they don't have to marry a man their father deems "acceptable" and then stay married to that man long, long after he proved himself UNACCEPTABLE. Educate them. Empower them. Give them the tools they need to survive, on their own if they must. Josh Duggar should be cowering in fear of Anna Duggar right now. Cowering. He isn't, but he should be. He should be quaking in fear that the house might fall down around them if he's in the same room as she. Please, instill your daughters with the resolve to make a man cower if he must. To say "I don't deserve this, and my children don't deserve this." I wish someone had ever, just once, told Anna she was capable of this. That she knew she is. As for my girls, I'll raise them to think they breathe fire.
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  • Darcy Drake I so agree with this post but with this addendum. I was raised just how you are saying that you want to raise your daughters. It doesn't protect you from a man that doesn't want to keep his pants on. I am educated, I was able to walk away with my kid. But it didn't protect my heart! My husbands betrayal cut deep. And the ability to stand up against him didn't help. There is a reason that God made adultery a sin and preparedness doesn't change that. Just don't fool yourself
    Like · Reply · 2 · 2 hrs
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    • Unfundamentalist Christians In Christian Fundamentalist circles like theirs, it is taught that divorce is never an option... at least not for women. Women are to forgive and do a better job of being a godly wife so her husband won't: stray, hit her, drink, beat the kids, spend all the money... etc.

      Women are treated differently in these Patriarchal sects. They give women a different set of rules than the rest of Christianity and from men. That's why it needs reform. [cc]
      Like · Reply · 6 · 1 hr · Edited
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    • Elsa Wiens No, Darcy, being able to stand up for yourself doesn't mean "that kind" of man won't choose you and deceive you. It just means you can get out if you have to. Abuse and infidelity happen to strong women as well as to "weak" women, to smart women and educated women and women in the public eye, as well as to educated women and poor women etc. etc.. And standing up to them doesn't do a single thing. Most never change.
      Like · Reply · 3 · 55 mins
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    • Joy Rodenbeck Yes, she does have the "right" to divorce, but because of how she was raised (i.e. brainwashed) she probably does not have the capacity to survive on her own without anyone making decisions for her. It's very sad. She probably thinks it's her fault he is like this and doesn't even want to leave him.
      Like · Reply · 1 · 41 mins
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    • Hamm Wendy The ATI/Quiverful movement traps women. Their logic is: if the man strays, it is the fault of his woman. Not enough sex. Not enough submission. Not enough housecleaning. Not a good cook. If the man strays, his woman stays.

      I have a good friend that p      opped out a bunch of kids to please her man and her church. He is abusive to her and had an affair and she gave up her college education to be the "godly wife". She is trapped without a way out and a way to provide for her kids.
      Like · Reply · 1 · 37 mins
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  • Heather Dwyer Maybe worse, she is more than likely praying for forgiveness, think about it what are the chances the community will blame her? If she had been a 'better wife' he would not have strayed, it's sickening to think how she will be blamed for his lack of character/decency. None of this is her fault, hopefully some part of her will realize this.
    Like · Reply · 25 · 3 hrs
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  • Andris Stanga As a man I thank you for this!!! Sooooo true!!!! You can add a whole second chapter about teaching sons to respect women and not to objectify them... Of letting the women of our world live with dignity and respect, and yes - the empowerment that they deserve!
    Like · Reply · 33 · 3 hrs
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  • Kimberly Kifer Fretz "As for my girls, I'll raise them to think they breathe fire." Yes! Fire to kindle passions (all kinds!), fire to ignite hearth and home fires to nurture kith and kin, and fire to burn away injustice and inequality when and where she finds it... Let our daughters' breath be crucibles... I love this image!
    Like · Reply · 22 · 2 hrs
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  • Sophie Williams Well said, but we have an obligation to teach both daughters AND sons how to behave and what to expect. The blame does not oly sit on Anna Duggar's parents shoulders - it seems to me that the Duggar family have much to reflect on as well.
    Like · Reply · 19 · 2 hrs
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  • Robin Lea Well said! By the way I truly believe any woman in Anna's position CAN change her circumstances. Christ gave us permission to do so and God created the strength in us.! We have been conditioned to believe we can't. As a community of believers it is our duty to come along side victims of abuse to help them get out of their situations. I pray Anna finds that support.
    Like · Reply · 8 · 3 hrs
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  • Kelly Brock Seats Well said! I consider the way she and the Duggar girls were raised to be semi-abusive. These ladies have little option. It's sad.
    Like · Reply · 17 · 3 hrs
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  • Lauren Crews This is very well written but there is just one thing wrong with it. Anna DID know that Josh molested his sisters. He told her well before they ever got engaged. While I do feel bad for her and more importantly her children, my empathy overall lacks just a little.

    She found out he was a pervert and she went through with it anyway.
    Like · Reply · 10 · 2 hrs · Edited
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  • Mary Wisner Miller Anna....God doesn't want you and your kids to stay. Don't have sex with Josh ever again. Get out. Get tested...seriously...you have no idea where his penis has been. Get an education. Get a Godly spouse who isn't a jerk.
    Like · Reply · 14 · 3 hrs · Edited
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  • Kris Bullock My reaction was sadness, also, for Anna. In her religious circle there is no doubt that she is to stand by her man to the destruction of the beautiful individual she is.
    Like · Reply · 6 · 3 hrs
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  • Sylvia Joy Wilson Divorce him and get huge support payments and a huge chunk of the estate. SIMPLE. Then write a book about her life with this hypocrite. She will make millions.
    Like · Reply · 4 · 2 hrs
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  • Sara L. French I, too, thought of Anna, and the fact she has no way out. Praying for her and her kids.
    Like · Reply · 4 · 3 hrs
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  • Daphne White Maybe, just maybe she will find a way to break the rules, just as her husband found a way out of the rules. Maybe this is planting a seed, and she will say, "Enough is enough." It's happened before. A mother's love can be fierce; the will to survive is fierce. My prayer is this will be the spark to get her breathing fire going.
    Like · Reply · 4 · 2 hrs
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  • Bill Hooson What a heartfelt and eloquent message; that should be given a wide audience and heard by all.
    It wasn't too long ago that this was the plight of many, if not most women.
    Like · Reply · 4 · 3 hrs
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  • Lynne Holly BOOM!!! I don't know that anybody could have said this better. Thank you.
    Like · Reply · 2 · 3 hrs
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  • Cherish Reynolds Oh my god. OH MY GOD. This is poetry. This is fierce. This is beautiful. I want to know this woman.
    Like · Reply · 2 · 3 hrs
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  • Shelley Nunemaker Senator This is so well written. The sad reality is that the opposite will happen: Anna will take the blame for being a tired mommy and not giving Josh enough attention.
    Like · Reply · 2 · 2 hrs
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  • Cindy York Pursley My parents raised me to take care of myself. I have since age 18. After a divorce where I threw out the cheating SOB who still is a selfish sod I was actually financially better off than I was with him. I found a man who loves and respects me and will not settle for less. That should be what every woman is raised to do. Care for herself and her children. After all what if he dies. What then?
    Like · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs · Edited
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  • Janet Harris-Nunn Excellent! Perfectly written and accurate.
    Like · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs
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  • DeguLover Bean I wouldn't necessarily say that home education means no education, but in this case, it sounds like the parents have leaned very heavily on their daughters to behave as if they are less important than the men. This is really strange for me to hear about, as I'm a Christian myself and we have homeschooled our children - although the reason was more to do with mental and emotional well-being than anything religious. So I don't think I would fall into the category of a typical Christian homeschooling mum (!) if there even is such a thing, but the extremity of what has happened to the duggars really disturbs me. I'm not sure what the solution is to this kind of thing but I feel sure it can only be found using honesty and openness
    Like · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs
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  • Nancy Bell Well said
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  • Sunny Hemphill This is the truest thing I've ever seen on FB. Yes, yes, yes.
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  • Dawn Frison Cook This is a wonderful blog!!! Great read!
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  • Carolyn Underkoffler I feel so badly for Anna.
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  • Amanda Pietrzak My ex-husband's family believed exactly the same way Anna Duggar's family raised her to believe. That a woman's place is silent and subservient to God and to her husband. For nearly 12 years I lived that life and then I broke free because my parents didn't raise me like that. They raised me to have a backbone and I finally - after more than a decade - found it again. This kind of opinion and child-rearing among religious leaders is so harmful and it needs to stop.
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  • Patte Flynn Excellent. Thank you.
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  • Kathy Matousek Right on!!
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  • Lisa Marie Gilbert I'm a homeschool mom and I have been screaming this for years . My girls will have an education and be able to take care of themselves .
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  • Carrie Elizabeth Senn PREACH ON, sister.
    May we all breathe fire.
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  • Sue Buchanan So powerful it makes me cry. I relate!
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  • Tammy Poore This story is sad but to say they have no options is wrong they have the world at their feet they can go to school and fight back and Anna has a choice to get rid of this man. I have been in a very physically and abusive marriage for ten years and thought the same but I fought back I won and I am proud to be a strong women for it. My daughters have seen me at the worst and now they know a relationship is two sided and know from life they can provide on their own if they must. These women need to empowered not mourned for. They must find strength in god and take on the battle
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  • Ralph Stunke Bush Anna suffer from the same things all cult members suffer. Yes, may she find the strength, blah blah blah but I'm having a hard time right now with someone playing the victim card for her.
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  • Julia Demaree Good point
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  • Calla Belbin Preach this, my sister. Preach it LOUD.
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  • Linda Sorahan Well said!!
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  • Susie Brown Rendle This is absolutely dead on.
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  • Pamela Tuttle Loftis Unfortunately if the religious community takes over child-rearing (which they do in many of these instances), we stand no chance.
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  • Diana Glassman Thank you fot speaking out
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  • Andrea Arias Gutierrez A bunch of progressive Christians and atheists, etc., should start a fundraiser for her to divorce him, go to college, get quality childcare for her kids, and start a new life without him or his crazy family.
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  • Kj Raveling Grimmett So well written, captures the thoughts of many of us!
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  • Karen Hubler The last paragraph nails it
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  • Alyce Aber Anna Dugger stated that she is responsible for her husbands actions. There really is no hope for her. Her mindset is in granite. In her mine its all her fault, if she would have done better he wouldn't have strayed......
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  • Shana Casey This is so sad and INFURIATING. Well said, Mrs. Kirkland!
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  • Judith L. Adamson It is just about respect. I raised my children to respect all people and treat others as they would want to be treated. I have taught them to respect themselves as well and if someone prooves that they do not respect them, they leave that person alone.
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  • Kim Wonnek Kappel I'm certain my comment will go against the majority here...but as I read this post, something just sat uncomfortably with me. I think what has been shared is true, and compassion for any wife/spouse in a situation like this is spot on, but I think there is an assumption that made that may not be completely fair. Are we to assume the only reason Anna is in this situation is because of the environment she grew up in? And the only reason she would stay is that she has no other options? First....that could be truth....but, WHAT IF she is not the helpless wife/mother we assume she is. I can say I watched the show and she does not come off quite as helpless as one might imagine. Perhaps her faith is genuine and she would choose to stick it out, not out of helplessness...but that in her own heart she believes God can redeem this. I say this, because I am pretty certain there will be A LOT of men/women outed for being on that site, who are strong, career couples. So then, what do we say about those couples that will choose to try and heal their marriages after this? Does it mean they either got in this situation or choose to stay with their spouse because of their lack of education or an absentee of a true sense of their wort....or that they have no where else to go? I think it's any easy conclusion to draw, but I think she is quite aware of the many options out there for her. I would guess she is overwhelmed with emails of support and people begging her to leave. I could even picture a TLC show about Anna Duggar starting life as a single Mom. But ultimately, I think this is a wake up call not so much about how people are raised, but the overwhelming destruction pornography has on ALL walks of life. There are so many men (and some women) from every single background that are hiding this secret knowing the repercussions of "coming out" with their sexual addictions. And if statistics are true....most of us have someone in our life battling this, and my hope is we can begin to create a safe environment for men (@again, some women also) to seek help for this without the fear of being shamed and humiliated. In the end, I think all views are valid and important, so thanks for the opportunity to share what was on my heart.
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  • Melanie Lee Remele The poor deluded woman is actually willing to "take responsibility" for his cheating!
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  • Nan Fox-Coons Yes! This!
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  • Rev Ann Camber A very articulate thoughtful response. Thank you so much for sharing.
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  • Cadie Edwards Blalock Bravo!! Well said!! Totally agree 1000 %
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  • Cindy Wilkinson Rines I blame her parents and the church/cult they belong to!
    Like · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs
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  • Ryan Kargel I feel like I need a lighter to hold up and wave. Not a lit cell phone screen, but an honest-to-goodness Zippo lighter.
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  • Chris Behner That's exactly what I was thinking. My advice to Anna: get out now and take the kids. Don't be afraid of poverty and ostracism. These are things you can overcome. Those of us who have been there will help you.
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  • Pam Boyington Holmes The really sad thing about Anna is that she probably buys into the notion that Josh would not have strayed if she had properly met her obligations as his wife.
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  • Christine DiMarzio Bick Extremely well said
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  • Denise Richardson I read where they (their religious community) will expect her to take responsibility for her share of "his" infidelity. WTH?! It makes me sick! I would donate to a Gofundme account to help her make a clean start if she took her kids and left his sorry ass!
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  • Laura Hunt Outstanding post!
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  • John Paul Silva Ashley Katherine Frank not sure if you've been following or heard about this at all.
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  • Kathryn Baker I have zero respect for her. I was raised in a backward, effed-up family, too, and I figured it out. I call women like her "Uncle Toms" of women.
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  • Amy C Pittman Interesting take. I was raised the same way, but grew into my own beliefs - and I can certainly breathe fire and make men cower!!
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