So I started HRT almost a year ago, and it hasn't done shit. I still look disgusting and ugly, and that's never going to change. People who manage to pass start off looking better than I ever will. So do people who don't. I know the process takes a few years, but I have enough wrong with me that it's not reasonable to expect HRT to fix anything.

Can't afford any sort of surgery, can't focus or function well enough (despite the constant pile of "just learn to be okay with never passing" i get) that I'll ever be in a position where I can.

So if I'm stuck being disgusting and malformed to the point where leaving my room is a painful experience for the rest of my life, there's no real reason not to just quit while I'm ahead. Probably at the end of this year, unless I change plans.

Not sure why I'm even putting this here, I can't imagine anyone really cares about stuff like this. I'm pretty much just one of the ones that never manage to transition or pass that everyone looks at, thinks "wow i'm glad i'm not one of the unlucky ones," and avoids talking about as much as possible.

e: Decided to go through with it. It won't get better and I can't take more as it is. For what it's worth, thanks for listening.

Have you ever sought treatment for depression? Depression is a medical issue that can be treated, often with cognitive therapy and sometimes medication. Trans people are highly prone to depression, and I think in your case it's coupled with severe anxiety, which can also be treated. I don't really know how you look but your worth as a person doesn't depend on how you look. Regardless, the first year or two on hormones are a mess for many trans people--you are going through puberty and puberty is never easy. Often it takes quite a while for changes to solidify. I also wonder if perhaps your meds aren't correct, or aren't correctly dosed.

I am not immune to this kind of ideation myself, though my situation is different. I can only say that I am on medicine for depression and anxiety and that it has helped.

Oh bullshit. Stay on the HRT, work on getting yourself functional. Weather your bad days, enjoy your good days, and quit it with the "disgusting and malformed" crap. Would you ever say that about any other person?

"Quit while you're ahead" indeed. You don't exactly sound like you believe you're ahead of anything. You don't even talk of yourself like you're a human being deserving of decency. What the hell's up with that? Get off the self-hate merry-go-round, and start giving yourself the basic respect you will need for the months / years ahead. Transition is one amazing journey, why the hell would you want to get off before you even find out what you're capable of???

Just like with cis-people, we aren't all as "gifted" in aesthetics, and being one who falls into that group handily, if that is a written on the wall "game over" then I should have offed myself in high school.
Depression is a serious issue, go speak to someone about it.