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Is there any coming back from promiscuity? (self.RedPillWomen)

btempel が 投稿

As a teenager, I really craved intimacy and approval so I had sex with a lot of different partners, for some reason thinking that it would make a boy like me. At 19, I entered a LTR. He got addicted to drugs and I stayed, hoping that I could save him. I really wanted to get married and start a family, and I thought that he was my chance. Before the drugs, he was everything I could have asked for in a man.

Anyways, we broke up for good in December and I am just starting to get back into the dating game. Again, hoping to find something serious. I'm 21 now and I feel like I've grown up a lot. I'm doing my own thing, and working on bettering myself rather than devoting all of my time to save someone else. My biggest problem in relationships is probably losing myself and devoting all of my time and self to helping someone else.

Unfortunately, I feel like my past will haunt me forever. I've done a lot of reading through TRP and RPW, and there are a lot of positive/desirable qualities that I do have, but I keep coming across articles about avoiding the "reformed slut".

Is there any hope for me or a way to get past my past? I'm scared that I have doomed myself to either being a plate or settling for someone who just wants to take what they can get.

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[–]Archwinger 18ポイント19ポイント  (0子コメント)

Of course you can still meet a man and have a serious monogamous relationship. Women with slutty pasts do this all the time. However, you're barely 21 and have had over 50 previous partners. By your own admission, you weren't exactly healthy/stable.

The kind of man your end up with probably won't be a badass winner. Because that guy has options with lots of women, including ones every bit as good as you in every way, plus a less promiscuous past. In fact, in your place, I'd be wary of guys that seem too good to be true. They may just be trying to fuck you.

I'm sorry that nobody caught you younger and taught you that there would be permanent consequences to your choices. But you can still find happiness. Just be honest, and realistic. If you haven't already, get a clean STD panel, too.

[–]NatVod 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

The reason why TRP advises against "reformed sluts" is because most of them are not truly reformed. That is because while these formerly promiscuous women may have closed their legs, they haven't fully healed the underlying emotional/physiological issues that caused them to do it in the first place. Thus, when they hit a rough patch (which happens to all of us), they easily revert to their old ways. Especially if the right alpha comes along to charm them.

Everyone is focusing on your number but what jumped out at my was " My biggest problem in relationships is probably losing myself". This shows me you are still seeking validation. You may channel its manifestation a little differently now but lacking self-esteem is one of the slipperiest slopes to giving up sex too easily.

A lot of rules and criteria surround TRP but there is one major mentality that underpins everything: you have to value and love yourself first so that nobody can charm, trick or convince you to do something you don't want to or to do something that isn't healthy for you. When you value yourself and that reflects in your actions and behaviors, guys will feel great to be with you because they know you chose them for who they are as a person. Not as a way to make up for your own feelings of inadequacies.

Also wanted to address this common refrain often being thrown around on this topic:

A guy with a lot of options can find women with the same qualities, but with a less colorful past.

This is true technically. However, no two girls have the same qualities. They may have similar RPW behaviors but their personalities, life situations, interests will be very different. And a lot of compatibility and chemistry is predicated on those qualities that do vary greatly person to person. The truth is, very few people will give up someone who has an amazing personality, a healthy self-esteem, shares their life goals, treats them well, for something in their past unless it is very serious (jail time, etc.) and carries over to their present.

Even alphas with lots of options don't meet that many amazing girls they connect with on a regular basis.

[–]Reddthrown 6ポイント7ポイント  (1子コメント)

People can improve. For now, focus on yourself. If you start dating someone, do not sleep with them until you both agree that you are in a LTR.

[–]_wingnut_2 Endorsed Contributor [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

so after sleeping with 50+ men, she should make #51 wait for what the handed out freely for everyone else. Thats a recipe for a good LTR, nothing bad could come of that

[–]myfriendmarkus 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

You are not completely doomed unless you let these behaviors continue or let them haunt you. You do however need to accept that this will limit you from attracting men that you may have if you had a low partner count, if you act carefully you wont nessasarily be a plate. This will cause challenges but be thankful you worked this out now rather than in 10 years. For now work on being possible wife material and keep your legs closed until you have a clear commitment.

It seems like you're tempted to lie about your partner count, DO NOT! I can't stress that enough. Asside form the moral issue these things have a way of coming out and your future partner will not only have to deal with being number 50whatever but his trust in you could be damaged beyond repair. I understand that you are ashamed of having such a high number count, but be honest and show him that it is something you deeply regret.

If you were into drinking, partying and drugs be sure to take good care of your appearance and get fit and healthy (obviously if you haven't, cut these thing out to avoid further damage to both your looks and reputation), I know a lot of women your age who have lived that sort of life style since 17/18 and it is already taking a huge toll on their looks.

You will likely have to prove yourself and your loyalty to any man far more than a woman with a low partner count. You said that you often devote too much of yourself to a partner this may actually help you to develop an LTR if you learn to be devoted with out being self depreciating. I share this quality and have learnt from years of burning myself out and neglecting my own needs entirely, you would benefit from developing good habits that will act as self care. For me it's half an hour minimum workout every day which acts as my therapy, find what works for you and make this a habbit aswell as developing strong self awareness so you can keep yourself healthy.

I hope something in that helped, and I appologise if it's a bit hard to read (I've overdone a workout and injured my leg so lots of painkillers messing up my head right now sigh).

[–]PemBayliss [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Yes, you can get past your past. It will be very, very difficult, though, because you will be bringing all that baggage into your next relationship, unless you set it down before you get into that next relationship.

Archwinger gave you good advice. You need to accept that the man who is willing to commit to you will not be a badass winner. You will have to settle, you will have to compromise.

Accept this now: At this point with an N>50, your only value now to very attractive men is as a sex partner. You will never get commitment from a very attractive, top 20% man. That's simply not going to happen; it's out of the question now. You've forfeited that possibility. You must now look downmarket for lower value men who will be willing to offer you commitment. You've downgraded yourself by your choices. Sorry.

You need to be honest and straight up with any man who is willing to offer you commitment. You need to tell him your N, and BE HONEST. If you lie you WILL get caught - it WILL come out sooner or later. If you have STDs, tell him that too.

At some point you should sit down with a therapist or trusted friend and lay out everything you did and who you did it with. Give voice to it, own up to it, own it, take full responsibility for it, and make no excuses. YOU did those things with those men. It wasn't the fault of alcohol or drugs or partying or anything else. It was YOU. They were YOUR decisions and YOUR choices, and YOUR responsibility.

Good luck.

[–]TheLadyPainter 4ポイント5ポイント  (11子コメント)

What is your number, exactly? You can still probably find a decent guy who will want you. Not all good guys are reading TRP. Partner count questions are pretty common at /r/AskMen (which is quite BP but not as bad as other female-oriented subs, IMO). Most of them tend to agree that 7-10 is high, though TRP will give you answers anywhere from 0-3. I also recall seeing a girl on here who was a former stripper. Her relationship had problems because of it, but it seemed like she was able to hold it together. You may want to look around and try to find her.

That being said, you will have problems. You may meet a guy who you think is great, but when he finds out about your history, he may want to bail. If/when that happens, you need to let them go gracefully. I'm sure it will sting, but the worst thing you could do is convince yourself that you can change his mind by being perfect in every other way. Check your expectations and have patience.

Most importantly, don't rush in to a relationship right now. Give yourself as much time as you need to cultivate your own feminine "frame," make the right friends, get yourself fit, work on your home/kitchen game. If you broke up last December - 8 months is a good span of time, but don't be afraid to take more if you need it.

TL;DR Be the best woman you can be. When dating, gracefully accept when a guy wants to next you. Never chase, just focus on yourself.

[–]btempel[S] 4ポイント5ポイント  (10子コメント)

I'm not sure of the exact number. I used to keep a list with everybody's name in the order because it made me feel better about myself, but stopped a couple years ago because I wanted to start fresh. I'm sure it's somewhere in the 50's or 60's though, and I'm so ashamed of it.

I usually try to avoid bringing up any talk of numbers, and there are guys who don't ask, but whenever they do, I have no idea what to say.

[–]jules991 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's... Quite high.

The problem is if you lie about it with a number that high it's doubtful you'll be able to keep it secret for long (you'll slip up, or run into someone, etc). Plus it's deceitful to a man to lie about your number- if he found out not from you he would feel incredibly betrayed. It will be hard, but you're best off being honest if it comes up. You will have to understand that many men won't be able to handle it. And yeah that sucks, but that's how it is.

I know what it's like to wish you had done things differently but part of being a respectable person is dealing with the repercussions of your actions.