How Gamerghazi’s Campaign of Hate Nearly Ruined My Life

Almost.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last October.

We haven’t heard much from the doctors since she went into surgery a few weeks ago, so naturally i’m scared. I’m an only child so there aren’t a lot of other people for me to talk to.

In the last 3 months, everything has changed. My life has been turned upside down. I graduate high school this year and have no idea what I want to do with my life. I guess it hasn’t really “hit me” yet. But it’s not all bad. When I found Gamergate, I found some of the most loving and supportive people I know. It’s not a hate campaign. It’s a family. They’re helping me get through this. That’s why i’m here. There are plenty of people who will tell you the same thing if you’d ask. We’re all together now, and we’re fighting for what we believe in- More ethical standards and less cronyism in the press.

There are some people who don’t like that.

There are some people who only want to tear down what me and my friends have built. They want to destroy, they want to kill, and they want to laugh while doing it. They’re willing to do anything to get what they want.

It’s Gamerghazi. Who else could it be? Ghazi, the main e-watering hole of those most loudly opposed to Gamergate. That place where several outspoken Gamergate Deniers regularly post, including Chris Kluwe, Randi Harper and Brianna Wu. Together, they form a loose coalition known as “Anti-Gamergate”. Trust me, you don’t want anything to do with these people. Not everyone opposed to Gamergate is a card-carrying member of Ghazi, but the most prominent voices make sure they’ve signed up. It’s the proud host to some to some of the vilest hate speech, bigotry and racism on the internet, and they don’t even know it. Gamerghazi trivializes the experiences of others, and even will erase your identity if it goes against their narrative. When all else fails, they will ban you for having a dissenting opinion.

I know, because it happened to me.

This is my story. Everything you read here is true. It’s a story about me, them and how their sustained campaign of harassment nearly drove me off of the internet.

I didn’t find Gamergate. Gamergate found me.

I didn’t know much at first. I’d been surfing Youtube back in August when I came across a few videos about some sort of scandal. It seemed interesting enough, but I didn’t have the time to follow it. Two months pass, and suddenly Gamergate is everywhere. Something about artistic freedom and censorship. As an artist myself, that got my attention. So I dug deeper, read up and did my research.

No, I don’t play video games.

But if you don’t have to be black to support civil rights, you don’t have to be a gamer to support #Gamergate. You just need to do what’s right.

I joined Gamergate because I wanted to find the truth. There were conflicting reports all around, so I had to check it out myself to know for sure. I was expecting to find a hate campaign. Instead, I found a peaceful riot. They had a right to be angry. They’d been unfairly attacked for months. It was nothing but lies, all of it. I don’t know what exactly pushed me over the edge. Any sane person would’ve ran away screaming. But I dived in.

All it takes is one mistake

I never should’ve made that post on Gamerghazi. If I’d known better, I would’ve walked away quietly. I just wanted to get both sides of the story, but instead I threw myself into a raging fire. It had been a month of #Gamergate and I was exhausted. Sometimes I stayed up all night thinking of ways to help, to no avail. Quitting looked really good back then. All this time i’d heard horrible things about them, that they were the worst, that they were vicious, and I didn’t believe it. I didn’t listen.

I just had to get both sides of the story. It couldn’t be true, right?

It was. Gamerghazi was founded on hate, and it shows in everything they do.

They try to hide their hatred behind a thin veil of “mockery”, but when you pull back the curtain there’s nothing but venom.

I made the post and studied their reaction. I claimed that I was leaving gamergate to see how they would respond. To be fair, I was thinking about it. (A month of nonstop attacks can do that to someone.) I was new at the time and didn’t realize they were responsible for the majority of them.

A friend sends me a private message urging me to reconsider. We’d been through a lot together. Sure, I was frustrated, but we shared a bond. I wouldn’t leave him for the world. After thinking about it for a second, I realized my mistake and delete the post. It was only up for a few minutes at best, and it was really late at night. I didn’t think that many people would see it. I thought it was over, and went back to posting on KotakuInAction (The Gamergate Subreddit) the next day.

Gamerghazi wouldn’t let it go. They certainly know how to hold a grudge.

“Gamerghazi was founded on hate, and it shows in everything they do”

What happened next is disgusting.

Gamerghazi followed me around the internet, spreading the lie that I pretended to be black. They erased my identity and turned my friends against me. While I was dealing with my mother’s health problems, I almost lost it all. They blocked me, and hid behind the walls of their hate-filled echo chamber.

I was sent threatening messages and harassment from both sides. My best friends wanted nothing to do with me, and it was all founded on a lie and a rumor, one that Gamerghazi was happy to spread. They did everything they could to ruin my reputation. I repeatedly asked them to stop.

And they laughed. They laughed while they destroyed me. For two months, I constantly received a barrage of hatemail telling me that I was fake. A fraud. A fat white guy. When the truth was as clear as day. I knew I wasn’t any of these things. I could read the truth on the back of my hand. The color of my skin. It was all over my body. The truth was everywhere. I shouldn’t be forced to prove myself. I shouldn’t be forced to choose between my safety and my reputation.

Thank god I didn’t get any death threats. But at least with those, you know they usually aren’t actionable. This felt different. These threats were attacking my very being.

And there was nothing I could do about it. I thought I had thick skin, but sometimes thick skin isn’t enough. Sometimes you just want it to stop.

Afew days ago, they hosted some sort of competition for “Gator of the Year” on r/circlebroke, a Ghazi-affiliated subreddit. They nominated me because they claimed I was “faking my race.” Once they realized how bad it made them look, they deleted the comments- but not before I could save a few. All that’s left are my replies.

When I reported the trolls to the moderators of yet another subreddit they were stalking me in, they took no action. Of course. Friends protect friends right? Someone else tried to step in, but the moderators didn’t flinch.

Gamerghazi says they’re just having fun. Nobody’s laughing but them.

Attacked from all sides, I never changed my story because I don’t have one. I’m black. I’ve always been black. I will be black until the day I die.

I shouldn’t have to prove my race to be heard.

I would show my face, but I don’t want to get doxxed.

I try my hardest to keep my online life separate from my real life, but you never can be too sure. So I uploaded a picture of my arm in hopes to end the abuse. They claimed it was “photoshopped”. http://imgur.com/ij6RWY1

I only have one question. Is this photoshopped?

Does this look white to you?Gamerghazi thinks so.

One of their biggest claims is that #Gamergate is a movement made exclusively of straight white men. With #NotYourShield, we’ve constantly been proving them wrong, showing that you don’t have to be straight, white or a man to take a stand against corruption. Women, Gays and Minorities can do it too! Anyone and everyone is welcome. When they started to claim we were “sockpuppets” and “fake accounts”, we began posting photos and videos. I guess it was my turn. They claim to care about diversity in gaming, but they really only care about erasing identities. If you don’t agree with them, it seems like you can’t be black anymore. It’s not about “better representation for marginalized groups”- it’s about earning oppression points with their friends.

“Even when it felt like everyone hated me, I kept going because I truly believe in Gamergate and want it to succeed. I never quit on my friends, and I’m not going to now.”

When I write this, I feel like I want to cry. But i’ve been through so much these past 4 months.

I’m not the only one they’ve attacked- and others have had it much, much worse. What i’ve faced is nothing compared to what people like Claire Schuman have gone through. Last year, she was harassed off twitter by two prominent Gamerghazi members- Randi Harper and A Man In Black. They sent her a constant barrage of threats and gendered abuse until she deleted her account. She just couldn’t take it anymore.

Now they try to justify it by claiming “she wasn’t real”, as if that excuses anything. They like to forget that there’s a human being behind every screen. “Actually it’s about protecting women and fighting misogyny indeed, Ghazi”.

Several people have been doxxed, but at this point that’s one of the least-bad things that could happen to you. People who support gamergate have had knives, syringes and dead animals sent to their house, far worse than any so-called “Victim” on the Gamerghazi side- who haven’t had anything mailed to their adress. They even attempted to organize a boycott of female game developers just because they voiced their support for better ethical standards in the gaming industry. Earlier this week they tried to remove a disabled man’s income stream, because he supports #Gamergate. Just yesterday they sent death threats to a man who’s battling Prostate Cancer and on his last legs. For supporting a charity. These people have no respect for human dignity or life.

You don’t see the media report on this. You know they won’t report on my story. “But it’s okay because these are boys and they should be able to handle it”.

No, not all Ghazi.

I’ve talked to a few of them, and there are some good apples. I have a message for them: Get out while you still can, because your group is damaging real people.

Can we all just be better to one another? You don’t have to like Gamergate. You don’t have to support it one bit. But please, please just stop hurting the people I love.

You want to tell me i’m part of a harassment campaign?

You don’t have the right.

Maybe do us a favor and try looking in the mirror.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Here is archived evidence of some of the treatment i’ve received.

I’m going to ask that you please don’t contact or report anyone you see here. Just leave them alone. One of the individuals in question has apologized (poorly and while still calling me an asshole, but still an apology? I guess?)

Homophobic Comment: https://archive.today/ivXlg

Harassment: https://archive.today/uhXxf

Numerous threads made to mock me: https://archive.today/lApq9

If you have been abused, attacked or just want to share your story, please speak out. Write a medium article, storify or blog post. We will never end this until enough of us raise our voice.

Thank you for reading, and Happy fucking New Year.

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Edit: 1/2/15

Wow. I am blown away by all the support i’ve recieved. Hundreds of inspiring messages have been sent to me, and even a few people on the other side think this is disgusting. It’s been amazing. I feel like I can’t even reply to them all, but know that i’m thankful for everyone. Funny enough, there was a false-flag attempt on 8chan to try and get me banned from reddit a few hours after this story dropped (I wonder who it could be?), but I have the evidence to prove i’m not the one responsible so I think i’ll be okay.

Even after everything that’s happened, i’m not a victim. I’m not crying, i’m smiling. This entire event, it’s restored my faith in humanity. I sympathize with those people who’ve been hurt on both sides of Gamergate, including Zoe Quinn. What happened to her was terrible, and now that i’ve experienced a small fraction of that I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I just want us to be better to each other. Maybe the wounds are too deep, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to heal.