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How to maintain Alpha W/O micromanagement? Household management type stuff. (self.marriedredpill)

I_Cum_Blood_666 が 投稿

I run the house. My SO comes to me when there is a big decision to be made, and I have the final say. However, I find it hard to trust my SO to do little things without nagging her, and I'm beginning to start arguments over small things like taking out the trash. Part of me wants to be more like Ozzy. He would say something like "Ok baby, no problem." And just go do it and be totally happy with it because that's how his house runs. Shaaron is the master of the household. Can I apply that to MRP somehow? Or maybe that's too Beta? But yet, I see how happy Ozzy is, and it makes me think that maybe I can make a plan to make this work within MRP somehow. Ideas? I'm thinking, I control the big decisions, wife makes all the small decisions?

I also ease the situation and calm the stress if a final decision goes bad. Meaning, I stand behind decisions.

EDIT: Should I stop feeling controlled when asked to do little things around the house, and accept that my SO is in charge of little decisions? I should also add that I developed a chore plan for the household and I am keeping it running.

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[–]IanIronwoodMarried- MRP MODERATOR 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

You need to review the Captain/FO works. The FO is subordinate to the Captain, like any executive officer. But when the FO is engaged in her domain, you are not only the Captain, you are one of her resources. This isn't an issue of control, it's an issue of her getting her work done using the limited resources available. Even though she is subordinate, there are times when your role is part Captain part deckhand. As long as she doesn't try to use that as leverage to wage a power struggle, that should be okay. Sometimes demonstration of good leadership is a cheerful and friendly willingness to roll up your sleeves and become - temporarily - subordinate.

In other words, MRP doesn't give you a pass on masculine trash duties. Sorry.

[–]nantucketghost 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

I call it my veto power. I use it rarely. She knows that I have this power, I even call it that to her.

The cliche that states with great power comes great responsibility is true.

Just because I can wield the power doesn't mean I use it. There are many many things I will do that I don't care for. But I will and can put my foot down and say no to something, she knows there is no arguing.

Compromise isn't about meeting half way. That's bullshit. If I want to go to Eddie Bauer to shop and she wants to go to Banana Republic, we don't "meet in the middle" and settle on the Gap.

Compromise is doing what you want and in return sucking it up to do what she wants.

All that being said: You make the calls on the things you want to make the calls on. For me? I gave her full run on the finances in the home. I used to do it. She used to over spend. I gave over the finances and now she's much more frugal when she sees the reality of what's going out the door.

She does the dishes 99% of the time. But that also means the times I do it she loves it. It isn't expected, but it's a nice surprise.

This isn't being blue pill. It's being married.

My wife decorates the house. I don't give a damn. She buys something new, asks how I like it, I will tell her that while she knows I don't give a damn, I will act impressed and happy about the purchase. If that's the stuff that makes her happy, so be it. Those are decisions I don't need to make, don't want to make, don't care about.

This is where the veto power comes in. If there ever does come into play a piece of furniture, wall hanging, whatever that I don't like. I will tell her no.

Lastly somethings work when you just have an unwritten rule. You cook, she cleans, she cooks, you clean. Simple and keeps everyone on task.

[–]I_Cum_Blood_666[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm the same way. But when I say no, she tries to nag and convince until I change the subject. How would that fit?

[–]stonepimpletilistsUnplugging 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

I find if it's a fight, it's because she's process oriented, and not mission oriented. Your frame is mission oriented (It's taking out the trash, not a power play)

Just don't DEER it, this needs to get done, we aren't slobs. Shut of any emotions that don't revolve around that. Having said that, My SO has a 'selective memory' when it comes to the other 50% of the house contributions...

At that point it's just a shit test in my eyes, and I have no time for someone who neglects to mention, while she is pissed that she had to do the bathroom and some laundry while tired, she also walked into a clean kitchen and living room after her nap. That and engaging it only moves goalposts anyways. Theres always something to nitpick on if you really want to look into it.

But way I see it, I'm taking care of the house as if I was single. I'm confident that I take care of it enough that her talk is just that... talk. Once you know you are pulling your weight as the homeowner, it's much easier to internalize a good mindset when she starts micking about things she should be doing herself, or asking for your help.

[–]I_Cum_Blood_666[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm fine with keeping clean as if I was single. That's my mindset. But my SO leaves a warpath everywhere she moves. Should have known when I went into her room for our first night together and half the bed was a clutter shelf.

[–]stonepimpletilistsUnplugging 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah, laundry monster at my place too. I pile into a basket and throw in closet.

She gets mad, but she'd be mad anyways, at least the house is clean

[–]UEMcGillMarried- MRP MODERATOR 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

On the one hand, it's the fucking trash who cares? Is it really that important?

Micromanagement in the business world and real world comes from a lack of trust and poor communication on leaderships part. It also comes from a fear of failure. Your so intent on getting things done you won't let your people, wife, or kids slip. Sometimes you have to let them fail. Then you pull them aside and say "well what happened?"

If it's a resource issue then the leader in you allocates more resources. If it's a knowledge issue, you train. Expectations get clarified. Praise a job well done and reward the good behavior that results.

Remember, manage things, lead people.

[–]thisisme0007Unplugging 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Why the fuck are you starting arguments? Build a frame and stay in it.

I don't understand - you are nagging her to take out the trash or she is nagging you? Either way, if you see the trash needs to be emptied why are you not doing it immediately?

You want to model things after a celebrity reality TV show? WTF?

[–]angels_fanUnplugging 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

My wife is a notoriously lazy housekeeper.

She works part time, and she would come home "exhausted" and sleep for 3 hours a day. I'd get home and the house would be a fucking mess while she'd been napping all afternoon.

I had all kinds of covert contracts with her and my expectations of cleaning.

One specific source of pain was the bathroom garbage. It would overflow with tissues and each day I'd get more upset that she wasn't taking it out.

After I found RP, I stopped being butthurt by these covert cleaning agreements and just started doing shit that needed to be done. If the bathroom garbage was full, I'd take it out. And you know what? About 3 times of doing this and she started to take it out before I could get to it.

I also learned to captain the fucking ship. I realized 2 things.

  1. I was afraid of the kids. Why the fuck am I afraid of them? They should be afraid of me!! and
  2. I was a drunk captain. I started giving orders to the kids, making them accountable and having consequences for not doing what was assigned. Now they help with the house, usually with a pretty good attitude.

[–]I_Cum_Blood_666[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I guess our SOs only notice about 10% of the things we accomplish that needed done which we did without seeking any sense of gratification

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Watch Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Problem with the crew? Riker takes it to the Captain:

Picard responds: "Managing the Crew is your responsibility, Number One and you know that you always have my complete confidence."

TLDR: A good captain delegates and lets the crew handle their area of responsibility even when it means he is sometimes asked to 'help out.'

[–]SexistFlyingPig 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

She has to have practice making little decisions and fucking them up if she's to grow and learn to make those little decisions on her own.

You can give her the exact amount of control you want to. "The budget for garbage cans is $30 for the house. You need to figure out where you're going to buy them and what kind you want, but $30 is the budget."

I have no idea if those are reasonable things. If she comes back to you and says, "I found exactly what I want, but it's $40 for the whole house." that's probably fine. If she says, "It's $300." that's probably not.

Maybe you couldn't care less than you already do about what kinds of garbage cans you have in the house, but you do care about the money aspect of it. I think you have to figure out what it is you want done your way and what stuff you really don't care about. Maybe frame stuff in a guy/girl domain. For instance: deciding what to cook for dinner: her domain. Deciding where to go out for dinner: your domain.

Your mileage may vary, but don't sweat the little stuff. You're too busy worrying about big stuff like paychecks and paying the mortgage.

[–]Redneck001Unplugging 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Ozzy would throw the trash out if he didn't pay someone to do it

[–]allberklee 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

You know that Sharon Osbourne cheated on Ozzy with Randy Rhoads, Ozzy's lead guitar player, right?

[–]Justus222 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I need to focus on delegating these responsibilities out better. I run a business from home, so I also tend to take that mentality into our chores. She doesn't live with me yet (2 weeks to go), so that is partially it. But I tend to see something that needs to be done in our lives and just do it, because I know I can handle it better than her. But I think I want her to grow in some areas more. I am debating having her pay all the bills so she can get a better handle on how much we make and spend.

[–]I_Cum_Blood_666[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

My SO doesn't have much initiative around the house. But as "man of the house," I'm blaming myself for that attitude. What can I do? Set a good example and...?

[–]MarriedwithkidzRP Wife- MRP APPROVED 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

When hubby and ask each other to do stuff it's because it needs to be done and if we both do little things then everything gets done quickly. I don't try to control my husband when I ask him to put the trash on the curb and he isn't trying to control me when he asks me to fill the dishwasher. We do it because we love a clean house.

[–]bogeyd6Married - Unplugging 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

This is the way. The beta male believes there is a power struggle and micro management to every issue as he tries to gain control he hasn't had before and becomes dissatisfied when he cannot control others. In other words, covert contracts.

[–]ufdUnplugging 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

These types of covert contracts can lead to a bit of a martyr syndrome, where you start to feel like you are the only one doing what needs to be done.

OP try changing your attitude to more of a, 'this thing needs to be done, it's my house, I'm the Captain, I'll do it'.

I don't know your wife, but I suspect she will follow your lead...in time.

[–]MarriedwithkidzRP Wife- MRP APPROVED 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Working as a team to have a clean house quickly is the way to go since everyone is eager to relax after a hard day at work/home there is no question about it. When you have plenty of great sex nobody goes for covert contracts anyway.