5 Things I Learned Committing A Campus Sexual Assault
Earlier this year,
we spoke to a rape victim
who described how nightmarish the aftermath is for victims -- the legal system and society in general both treat female rape victims like shit (and act like male victims don't exist at all).
But perhaps the worst thing you find out from researching these stories is that society will never have a perfect
legal
solution to sexual assault. By law, the word of the victim is never enough evidence that a crime occurred, and in many rape cases that's all they have -- 82 percent of the time, the rapist is someone the victim knows
or is even intimate with. Obviously, it is not enough to show that sex occurred
-- sex is not a crime. You have to somehow prove the victim said no, and that can be next to impossible.
So, the reality is that reducing sexual assault is going to require a change in the culture itself, and that's an even bigger challenge in a world where the unspoken rule has been "If she doesn't physically stop you, she secretly wants it."
That brings us to "Tim."
He approached us with his own story of campus sexual assault -- as in, he committed one -- and we confirmed everything he said through the university committee that investigated it. If you want to change a culture, first you need to understand it ... and there are a lot of Tims out there.
#5. Don't Count On Consent From Silent Body Language
Several colleges are debating "affirmative consent" policies, where all sex is considered rape unless both parties actively,
enthusiastically
consent to each stage. Many people support these policies (now law in California schools, statewide), because we have to do something about sexual assault, and this is something. Others say the policies presume guilt, hold a narrow view of sex, and do nothing about malicious assault. Well, Tim's story is a case where he didn't get that consent, but he kept going purely because he didn't get a hard no either.
It was summer, between semesters. The man we're calling "Tim" and his college friend we'll call "Vicky" went out for the night to a couple of bars. (Note: They both attend a Catholic school -- we're just offering that as background.) By 1:30 a.m., they were back at her place, sprawled on the couch and watching
Friends
DVDs. He started rubbing her back. Thus began the "absolute biggest mistake"
of Tim's life.
According to Tim, his hands moved down to the seat of her jeans. Sensing no objection after some tentative rubbing, he then reached inside them. At one point, she shifted, perhaps toward him. He rubbed her breasts next, over the shirt, then under the shirt, then under the bra, receiving no objection at each stage. She faced the TV, so, he says, he couldn't see her eyes for most of this. When he could, they were closed, but this didn't worry him; he closed his for a while too. This all went on for an hour or so.
This is not a unique set of non-repeatable events; it's actually frequent enough that it's the exact premise of this P.S.A.
"Even at the time,"
he says, "I knew that she was religious and that she would never engage in any sort of sex with me. She was a good girl. ... I would have never done anything that I thought she didn't want. I also realize that last part makes me sound like a lot of rapists."
The reality is that Vicky didn't respond because she awoke to Tim touching her and then froze in fear until he finally got up to eject the DVD. If you find this petrified reaction baffling, we're guessing you don't spend much time with potential partners vastly stronger than you. And if that's because you're a male, take a moment and go ask the nearest female if she understands.
Tim hugged Vicky before he took off, and back in his room, he texted her, complete with a smiling emoji. The next day, one of her friends approached him and told him, much to his surprise, that people had gone to jail for doing what he'd just done.
#4. Colleges Claim Jurisdiction Over Sexual Assault Cases
After two weeks, during which he avoided contacting Vicky at her request, Tim got an email from the university saying they were launching an investigation. At the first meeting, he learned that all possible punishments, including expulsion, were on the table.
"Apparently,"
he says, "two students acting outside a university function, off university property, are still under their jurisdiction."
That's less scary than a visit from the cops but can actually turn out worse. You see, while the police can send you to jail, they also have a much higher burden of proof ... and
you actually get a lawyer to defend you. If you're accused of a crime in college, don't count on getting to appeal or refute evidence.
Faculty
from law schools
are now even criticizing their own universities' policies as unfair to the accused, and some students are starting to hire attorneys
and sue colleges
for violating their due process rights.
So if this seems like a far worse idea than letting established legal institutions
handle things, that's because it is.
And rights
have
to extend to both the accuser and the accused. Even if there is no vast false-rape epidemic sweeping the nation, some accusations are false, as Rolling Stone
and others
uncovered with Mr. Bean-esque clumsiness. Some students have even had to produce video footage
to prove their innocence or were expelled even though juries found no evidence against them. It's tempting to assume guilt when the crime's really, really bad, but that goes against every good legal standard out there -- and, incidentally, doesn't deter further crime. That is the paradox: Society has a long history of ignoring rape victims, but responding with a process that convicts innocent people just delegitimizes all future convictions and the system as a whole.
Now, wrongful conviction wasn't an issue for Tim, who actually did what he was accused of -- he and the victim were telling the same story. But without a lawyer, who was arguing on his behalf when it came to punishment? Someone in the administration was, hopefully. Tim sure wasn't. All he could do was wait.
#3. Even Perpetrators Can Find Victim-Blaming Ridiculous
During the investigation, Tim and Vicky described everything that happened that night leading up to the incident. Their stories matched up. They'd each had four or five drinks over the course of the evening, plus wine at her place, yet both claimed alcohol wasn't a factor. They'd talked about crushes. They played games at an arcade bar, and he at one point said,
"If I knew you better, I'd slap you on the ass."
She said, "Try it,"
so he did, and they laughed. They ducked into a sex shop on the way to her place. They held hands for a while. At her apartment, she played the piano and sang Adele's "Someone Like You." Her head lay on his chest while they watched TV.
Tim said all this gave him
"a subconscious mindset,"
cuing him in to what may or may not have been on the table for later on. Tim doesn't, however, say any of that gave him permission to plow forward after making the first move. At no point did he tell investigators, "She was asking for it." But if he'd wanted to tell that lie, he could have, and a lawyer representing him might have, which is one reason taking this to a courtroom wouldn't have been pleasant for all
parties.
Now, when you read that first paragraph, do any of you find yourselves getting angry at Vicky? Do you feel like she had "led him on"? We're betting lots of you do, judging by the hate mail and comments that pour in literally every time a woman accuses a man of date rape. That impulse is why sexual assault victims are so afraid to speak out -- if the perpetrator has a reasonable-sounding excuse, then the rage gets
focused on the victim. "How dare you put him through this?!?!"
And you know what? That's fucking insane. Even if what he did was purely a case of misreading the signals, a victim can still be traumatized by it. If you're a guy and find yourself sneering at this, picture yourself in the same situation -- not as a woman, but as yourself. Say you're hanging out with a friend who happens to be a much bigger, stronger guy. You're having a good time, you fall asleep in the same room with him, only to wake up with his hand down your pants. Maybe he's doing more than that, if it helps you get the picture. Even if he just badly misread the signals, does it make you feel less violated?
When we first talked to him, Tim actually suggested we leave some details out of the article, such as the sex shop bit, saying,
"I don't ever want someone to say [Vicky] was OK with what happened or that she was asking for anything."
He knew your mind might go there, and we're telling you, the guy who actually assaulted her disagrees with you.
Once more in large letters, just so we're absolutely clear on the matter.