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3. And what if my girl-power brand of generic feminism has unwittingly contributed to that oppression, and what if, upon realizing this, it begins to dawn on me that I could use my power to call attention to that inequity and actively work against it, even if it is uncomfortable to me at times or off-putting to the fans who prefer kitty-cat Instagrams — in other words, what if whatever it is that I claim has been “nothing but love & support” for Minaj hasn’t actually done shit to dismantle the severe fuckitude of the unwritten, ironclad rules, so who cares if I took down Spotify and Apple, what fucking good is that really?

4. Can I even reasonably stake something as trite as “girl power” on a video that gleefully and publicly shames and intimidates another woman, even if I do say she’s an unscrupulous business rival, by essentially flaunting the collective box office power of my meticulously-curated gang of premium BFFs — oh my god, am I going to be really embarrassed about that in 10 years?

5. What if Nicki’s right, I mean look at Ed Sheeran’s lazy-ass Video of the Year nominee “Thinking Out Loud,” wholly-unremarkable footage of that floppy-haired dancing vest twirling TV-ready Brittany Cherry around in a virginal white gauzy outfit like some kind of outtake from a bad ‘90s teen underdog movie, this is what passes for cultural impact and excellence?

6. While I’m at it, what is the deal with Marc Ronson feat. Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk,” which opens with a shot of the strutting body of a woman whose face I’m never allowed to see and quickly turns to a celebration of the male ensemble, vamping and dancing for each other and occasionally catcalling a parade of more women whose faces we aren’t allowed to see, save one auntie-like figure under the lone hair dryer not commandeered by this preening group of beauty-shop infiltrators, her visible face and bemused expression clearly a sign that she is not to be regarded as a sexual being, I mean Jesus, if you just watch it with the sound off, the Madonna-whore complex on this retrograde sanitized sleaze, am I right?

7. Oh Christ, are these two flimsy entertainments that beat out Nicki’s epic, anarchic, unapologetically powerful “Anaconda” the actual apex of the male gaze turned navel-ward?

8. What if I decided to listen more than I talk in these situations, even if faux-dorky nervous-talking and -flailing are my hackneyed trademarks, a messiness I am indulged because women like me aren’t automatically assumed to be angry or uneducated or out of control, and to consider how I have unconsciously profited off of the genius and work of female musicians of color, and what I might do in the future to balance those books?

9. Ah, shit, what if Kanye was right?

10. Is it too late to just say fuck all this hollow bullshit I bought into when I was 15 and go study in solitude for a year or two with the nuns who are screwing Katy Perry over on that real estate deal? And can I take my cats?

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  Sonic

  7 ways Americans have defiled the hot dog

  Sonic's Bacon Double Cheddar Croissant Dog

  Sonic calls this a "gourmet twist" on a classic. I am not so, so fancy, but I know that sprinkling bacon and cheddar cheese onto a tube of pork is not gourmet, even if you have made a bun out of something that is theoretically French.
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  Krispy Kreme

  7 ways Americans have defiled the hot dog

  Krispy Kreme's Doughnut Dog

  This stupid thing is a hotdog in a glazed doughnut bun, topped with bacon and raspberry jelly. It is only available at Delaware's Frawley Stadium, thank god.
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  KFC

  7 ways Americans have defiled the hot dog

  KFC's Double Down Dog

  This creation is notable for its fried chicken bun and ability to hastily kill your dreams.
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  Pizza Hut

  7 ways Americans have defiled the hot dog

  Pizza Hut's Hot Dog Bites Pizza

  Pizza Hut basically just glued pigs-in-blankets to the crust of its normal pizza. This actually sounds good, and I blame America for brainwashing me into feeling that.
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  Carl's Jr.

  7 ways Americans have defiled the hot dog

  Carl's Jr. Most American Thick Burger

  This is a burger stuffed with potato chips and hot dogs. Choose a meat, America! How hard is it to just choose a meat?!
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  Tokyo Dog

  7 ways Americans have defiled the hot dog

  Tokyo Dog's Juuni Ban

  A food truck in Seattle called Tokyo Dog created this thing, which is notable for its distinction as the Guinness Book of World Records' most expensive hot dog at $169. It is a smoked cheese bratwurst, covered in butter Teriyaki grilled onions, Maitake mushrooms, Wagyu beef, foie gras, black truffles, caviar and Japanese mayo in a brioche bun. Just calm down, Tokyo Dog. Calm down.
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  Interscope

  7 ways Americans have defiled the hot dog

  Limp Bizkit's "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water"

  This album art should be illegal.

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