Over-dread

xmabden · 4時間前

her contribution to the affair.

The truth is, she did not contribute anything to the affair. She may have neglected you, but it was your decision to cheat on her.

Problems with the relationship, split accordingly.
Having an affair, all you.

Sepean · 4時間前

This zaps her little hamster wheel and the poor thing can’t even keep up. She starts freaking out and worrying that she didn’t satisfy me and that I’ll go cheat on her in the morning. Kept repeating the question “Am I the best you’ve ever had?” Crying, shaking, the whole production. Wtf, where did this come from??? Turns out she has felt obligated to have sex with me for mate retention. While she enjoys it once we get into it, her main motivation is to keep me happy. There seems to be little raw attraction

Do you know where the hamster stops and the honesty starts? This isn't just some way to get off the hook for a "bad" (as she saw it) blowjob?

And it sounds like she likes sex but also goes out of her way to make you happy. I don't think you can expect her to actually get off blowing you. It's something she does to make you happy, there's nothing wrong in that.

There’s obviously a huge comfort test here, but providing pure beta comfort – i.e., “I’ll never cheat on you again, I’ll always be faithful to you, you’re the love of my life, I like you just the way you are, blah blah blah, barf…” – will only serve to make her comfortable and encourage her apathy. I don’t know yet how to balance alpha truth and beta comfort.

I haven't cheated but got something like this earlier after dread, I told her variations of "You're doing a good job, don't worry about it." It seemed to be a good way to comfort while keeping focus on her effort.

I've also told her that if I ever decide to fuck someone else, I'll tell her in advance (I got that one from /u/whinemoreplease). It got followed up with some more testing like "gee thanks that's very generous of you" but I can't promise I'll never fuck someone else, especially given how she once acted towards me.

I should never have told her flat out “I cheated because we weren’t having sex.” She then added “sex” to her weekly checklist. I don’t want duty sex, I want genuine desire. Telling her so bluntly was a giant attraction negotiation, and she felt she had no options.

Only one way to get over that if that really is an issue. Be more alpha. Backing down on the sex is the opposite of alpha, so don't do that. You want it and she's offering.

BluepillProfessor · 4時間前

It finally took me some courage after I swallowed the pill last October to help her understand her contribution to the affair.

Why are you spending time trying to make HER accept some contribution for YOUR behavior? (Scratches Head).

I tell her she lost me and lets go to bed. No biggie, I had fun anyway. I was genuinely OI. This zaps her little hamster wheel and the poor thing can’t even keep up. She starts freaking out and worrying that she didn’t satisfy me and that I’ll go cheat on her in the morning. Kept repeating the question “Am I the best you’ve ever had?”

This would have been fine if you just put a finger on her lips and tell her something like: "You are all that I want right now baby." DO NOT discuss this with your wife.

I should never have told her flat out “I cheated because we weren’t having sex.” She then added “sex” to her weekly checklist. I don’t want duty sex, I want genuine desire.

Maybe, but now that you are having sex, the best way to spark desire is to keep having sex.

DO NOT listen to what she is telling you. When a girl is on the rag and giving a BJ, that is not the time to ask her if she is really hot for you or just fucking you for mate retention. In fact, there is no time good for that discussion.

Smaller and smaller things are overwhelming her,

This is a woman really worried about her marriage. You need to take charge. Provide reassurance, get a membership at the gym, and take her with you- and fuck her good.

Stopping during sex is very high level dread and is recommended for a sexually withdrawing, begrudging starfish wife- NOT a wife who is trying.

Also, you need to study seduction and work on turning on your wife more. However, much of the time a quick fuck will make everybody happy. Think of getting a BJ as like getting a backrub. It is not really a top notch experience for the giver but it is nice enough. Why overthink it?

jacktenofhearts · 2時間前

Cheating increases Dread without a corresponding increase in SMV.

I believe this is the root of your problem. Your previous posts have indicated you're still struggling accomplishing a lot of goals in your life outside of your marriage. Besides some enhanced muscle definition from going to the gym more often, and I'm sure you bought a few new articles of clothing, but are you a materially better man than you were a year ago?

Or to ask this another way: Have you objectively increased your value since swallowing the Red Pill?

The answer, in my opinion, is "not really." You're wife is feeling something like Dread Level 8, but your SMV is a 6. Enough for your wife to be terrified you'll continue to cheat on her again, but not enough for her to accept this as a possible outcome if she doesn't keep her high-value man happy.

A few years ago, I was watching the Sopranos with my wife on DVD. After one of those episodes that highlighted the anguish Carmela feels because she has to look the other way when it comes to Tony's comares, my wife said to me: "I don't worry about you cheating on me. I do sometimes wonder if you'll ever tell me you're just going to start seeing other women, because I think I'd basically just have to accept it."

It sort of caught me out of the blue, but I thought about it later. My wife has it pretty damn good, she knows it, and she does her best to keep it that way. She also knows it's possible that, despite her doing her best, my value is high enough that her best may not be good enough for my fidelity.

This is the headspace where you need to get your wife. Acceptance. She's married to a high value male. She's doing everything she can to make him happy. Will he cheat? Hopefully not. Can she do anything about it? Well, she's already doing all the things she knows will make him happy. So why agonize over this?

The answer to all of this is to lead my family, take charge of our diet, make sure the schedule allows time for her workouts, and become more attractive to increase the attraction.

This is only part of the answer. Like I said, you've got a marriage at Dread level 8, but your SMV is 6 and your wife is probably something like 4-5. What you're suggesting is investing your time and effort into getting her SMV to 6. If she drops thirty pounds, she may feel better about herself and less freaked out about you having another affair. But that will be because she'll feel better about her odds finding someone better in the inevitable divorce that would happen if you cheated again. Acceptance of this idea will probably not manifest as her getting dripping wet to fuck her SMV 6 husband.

To clarify: I'm not suggesting you should want her to remain a fatass. But if she increases her SMV and you don't, that will reduce the Dread (given there will no longer be an SMV disparity), but she'll just go from feeling like she has to fuck you out of obligation, to not feeling that way anymore. She'll nag you less. She'll also fuck you less.

It’s a tad difficult to have to take care of her. I’m just now getting used to taking care of myself.

Had you not cheated, you could have organically increased your SMV, and had a much less confrontational evolution of your marriage than what you're experiencing now. When a guy like /u/mrpCamper hits the gym and drops some extra weight, his marriage goes from something like Dread Level 1 to 3. Enough to get his wife's attention, but not anything that's going to cause her hamster to freak out and go nuts with the Shit/Comfort Tests. Unfortunately, you don't have that luxury.

So yeah. Your cheating just turned up the difficulty level in your marriage from "Hard" to "Ultraviolence." The bigger the gap in the SMV between you and your wife, the more she'll freak out because you're in a marriage that has very little tolerance for additional Dread caused by SMV disparities. But if you help her increase her SMV at the expense of your own, then she won't even give you the duty sex you're somewhat bored with. So you pretty much need to thread the needle here. Help her increase her SMV enough so she stops freaking out about you cheating, but increase your own SMV so that she replaces that obligation to fuck you, with an actual desire to fuck you.

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