上位 200 件のコメント表示する 500

[–]iambecomedownvote 2501ポイント2502ポイント  (807子コメント)

My wife never wants sex, but also makes a point of following me around and making sure I don't jack off. Not that that stops me, but it does make it more of a challenge.

[–]teh_aj 2110ポイント2111ポイント  (90子コメント)

Just fucking pull it out and start jerking it in front of her next time. What is she going to do, stop having sex with you more?

[–]PitbullsAreDangerous 589ポイント590ポイント  (24子コメント)

This is the best advice I've seen in this thread

[–]Scooter93 214ポイント215ポイント  (16子コメント)

"are you in or are you out?"

[–]The_PwnShop 124ポイント125ポイント  (9子コメント)

Final boarding call for flight 69 to Pussytown!

[–]Camtreez 72ポイント73ポイント  (6子コメント)

Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Unfortunately the tower has just notified us that we are being rerouted to Handsville, which is located in the lonely lovely country of Masturbatoria. We'd like to thank you once again for flying with Hand Solo Airlines, "The only airline that lets you polish your saber at 30,000 feet."

[–]cuchiplancheo 10ポイント11ポイント  (6子コメント)

The part he left out is that he wants to watch porn when he whacks it...

[–]Hounmlayn 20ポイント21ポイント  (5子コメント)

If she doesn't want to help him get off then someone has to. She can't complain, it's not like he's cheating on her to get some action; he's just remembering what a naked woman looks like again.

[–]Mingan88 17ポイント18ポイント  (3子コメント)

A lot of people seem to think that watching porn is some type of emotional cheating or something like that... I've never understood this, it's like saying that it's wrong to go through the mental highlight reel....

[–]Asdfgasdfg11 215ポイント216ポイント  (37子コメント)

Once my husband was jerking off in bed after he thought I was asleep. I noticed and without saying anything rolled over and gave him a blowjob instead. It was great for both of us. Maybe jerking off in front of the SO would work for him too.

[–]careless_sux 203ポイント204ポイント  (2子コメント)

Now that he masturbates constantly, everywhere, you have no one to blame but yourself.

[–]OhSoTheBear 14ポイント15ポイント  (3子コメント)

Did that once. Instead I got an extremely angry talking to about disrespecting her in our bed, that we share!

[–]fukitol- 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

"This is my bed. I jerk off in my bed. If you're not OK with that then you're welcome to help or find a different bed."

[–]ProbablyShitfaced 73ポイント74ポイント  (13子コメント)

This works with my girlfriend. If she's feeling fat or frumpy (one of a million scenarios) I just whip it on out, start stroking, and she seems to think "hey...that's a penis. Those are fun. especially his." And boom. Sexy time and she feels much better.

[–]redpandaeater 21ポイント22ポイント  (7子コメント)

If it's a sexless marriage, they have bigger problems. They need to rekindle that connection so there's even a drive to give a blowie.

[–]jeffro6969 14ポイント15ポイント  (5子コメント)

Never thought of it that way before. I shall try it tonight.

[–]anon445 24ポイント25ポイント  (1子コメント)

Wait, you need a wife first!

[–]apopheniac01 17ポイント18ポイント  (0子コメント)

The crowd at Outback Steakhouse is going to be very confused tonight...

[–]WesWar 589ポイント590ポイント  (74子コメント)

My wife doesn't mind but I don't want to beat off with her just being there so the other day I went and climbed a tree and beat off. Pretty thrilling, would do it again.

[–]Bonus 664ポイント665ポイント  (45子コメント)

THAT WAS YOU?!

[–]HoovesOfDerp 150ポイント151ポイント  (35子コメント)

Is this going to turn into a reality TV show? "EXTREME JERK-OFF CHALLENGE".

My cousin claims to have beat off when he went alone on It's a Small World at Disneyland.

[–]BadAdviceBot 84ポイント85ポイント  (9子コメント)

Ahahahaha....you are never alone. Trust me, they are always watching.

[–]didsignupforthis 37ポイント38ポイント  (12子コメント)

I beat off in the back of the Drivers Ed car..while the other person was driving. I make no apologies and offer no explanation for my actions.

[–]fetusy 5ポイント6ポイント  (9子コメント)

I climaxed while locking eyes with my ex's mom as she drove while my ex blew me under a blanket in the backseat of her Impala.

[–]megafallout3fan 6ポイント7ポイント  (4子コメント)

I don't understand how you could keep that hidden. She must have saw you because a blanket isn't enough to hide the sound of that or the motion of a head going up and down.

[–]fetusy 8ポイント9ポイント  (3子コメント)

It was more of a comforter than a sheer blanket and it was at night on the highway with a bunch of road noise. Also, there was no hiding it...she knew. I will never understand why she didn't pull that car over and strand me right there in the middle of nowhere.

[–]SmockingFicus 14ポイント15ポイント  (0子コメント)

That day it wasn't the world that was small after all.

[–]Nyarlathotep124 27ポイント28ポイント  (5子コメント)

Hi. I'm Spider Jerusalem. I smoke. I take drugs. I drink. I wash every six weeks. I masturbate constantly and fling my steaming poison semen down from my window into your hair and food. I'm a rich and respected columnist for a major metropolitan newspaper. I live with two beautiful women in the city's most expensive and select community. Being a bastard works.

[–]Wiggsta 23ポイント24ポイント  (3子コメント)

I can't be too cool in a tree with my pants down

The air is cold and I've got splinters in my feet

[–]skydreamer303 7ポイント8ポイント  (3子コメント)

why not let her watch o.o

[–]OrgasmicChemistry 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

I always feel awk jerking off infront of other people. Head? Sure. Anal? Why not. PiV? Yes! My hand in front of anyone? NOPE.

[–]I_made_this_wee 175ポイント176ポイント  (9子コメント)

Make eye contact and say "I dedicate this one to you." It makes it romantic and stuff.

[–]TheDentite 9ポイント10ポイント  (1子コメント)

You are actually the best comment. If OP and his wife can make masturbation a thing they do together they might be able to reform their bond.

[–]Shotgunjack1880 135ポイント136ポイント  (33子コメント)

Jerk off in front of her. What's she gonna do, stop you?

[–]n9neteen 111ポイント112ポイント  (31子コメント)

I did this once in front of my girlfriend. I came home a little buzzed one night while she was cooking dinner. I grabbed a beer and put on the classic rock station on Pandora. She was wearing leggings and her ass was looking pretty good but she told me to wait till after dinner because she was cooking. So George Thorogood - Bad to the Bone came on so I went into the kitchen without pants on and started stroking to the guitar riff.

[–]Neo6488 73ポイント74ポイント  (21子コメント)

And...

[–]ZoxinTV 117ポイント118ポイント  (3子コメント)

Then the Brazzers intro faded in.

[–]DeathSpank 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

I would assume there was cum and shame in equal measure.

[–]FI27 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Now he lives in a rain forest in brazil.

[–]DontTellMyLandlord 23ポイント24ポイント  (1子コメント)

George Thorogood - Bad to the Bone came on so I went into the kitchen without pants on and started stroking to the guitar riff.

It was a mildly funny story, then I got to this. You could end literally any story in the world with this sentence and I would laugh hysterically.

"So anyway, yeah, I just killed both your parents. But then Bad to the Bone came on, so I walked into the kitchen without pants on and started stroking to the guitar riff."

[–]GenericGeneration 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

Then you finished, and after dinner, when she asked for sex, you said "Nah, I'm not really in the mood at the moment."

[–]iRuester 2690ポイント2691ポイント  (267子コメント)

Get divorced

[–]The-Fox-Says 371ポイント372ポイント  (22子コメント)

/r/relationships needs you

[–]gliph 180ポイント181ポイント  (20子コメント)

"I stubbed my toe today :("

/r/relationships answer: "Divorce"

[–]donutboi 98ポイント99ポイント  (15子コメント)

"my wife buys coke but I like Pepsi" /r/relationships : divorce her

[–]gliph 73ポイント74ポイント  (10子コメント)

"I'm in a healthy relationship and am emotionally and sexually satisfied."

"Sorry to be the one to tell you this friend but divorce is really the only way forward at this point."

[–]silvrado 47ポイント48ポイント  (3子コメント)

"I..."

"If you've come this far to post on /r/relationships, you have to Divorce her."

[–]SCRIZZLEnetwork 17ポイント18ポイント  (4子コメント)

I don't have a wife yet, but should I divorce her before we even get married?

[–]grumpnotso 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

"Everytime I see my SO, my heart flares with the most vivid emotion I've ever felt in my life. I can't leave her, but I need to go on a week-long business trip. What do I do?"

"You've lost already. Get the papers and a judge, divorce time."

[–]mainvolume 47ポイント48ポイント  (0子コメント)

"Well, my wife bought the trash bags that are .08 and we usually get .09. What should I do?"

"OMG DIVORCE HER!!!"

[–]Erickster 219ポイント220ポイント  (85子コメント)

Look, it might sound crazy, and every situation is different, but there may be some insight in this. I am going through a divorce after being with a woman who, for a time, didn't want sex, and if I was caught with porn, she made the relationship even worse. She cheated on me eventually after putting me through months of hell. She allowed me to spend hundreds of dollars on marital counseling meanwhile, cheating on me. And all of it, for me, stemmed from feeling rejected in bed. Nothing I did could fix it. Nothing. Sorry if that sounds depressing, but I went a long time in denial. Looking back, a lot of people, specifically on reddit, we're right. Nip your marital issues right away. Don't wait. You have no reason to feel rejected by your wife. Figure it out right away. Before some other douchebag takes advantage.

[–]iRuester 69ポイント70ポイント  (3子コメント)

That sucks man, but it is exactly what I mean. These are huge red flags for worse things to come.

[–]Curane 19ポイント20ポイント  (2子コメント)

So people not coming is a sign of things to come?

[–]TheRedReverend 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Sorry bro - hope you get to feeling better

[–]canuckpuckbeaut 53ポイント54ポイント  (4子コメント)

if she aint grindin' begin your findin' (for another hoe)

[–]Earlwolf84 8ポイント9ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm glad you added that part in parentheses, I never would have got that

[–]Baupost 528ポイント529ポイント  (122子コメント)

How about proposing an open dialogue before jumping to the extremely protracted and expensive process that is divorce?

[–]Enjoyer_of_Cake 1550ポイント1551ポイント  (102子コメント)

Because iRuester was likely making a joke, and nobody should be taking reddit advice in r/funny.

[–]coopstar777 481ポイント482ポイント  (95子コメント)

Especially considering the only advice you will ever hear on reddit is as follows:

  • dump her

  • clear your browser history

  • lawyer up

  • delete your Facebook

  • formatting help in comments

  • sex advice given by virgins

[–]MacFatty 452ポイント453ポイント  (72子コメント)

You forgot

  • Hit the gym

[–]aslokaa 199ポイント200ポイント  (39子コメント)

and be handsome and not be not handsome.

[–]JJWattGotSnubbed 109ポイント110ポイント  (33子コメント)

and use ad-block! this is generally a good idea though

[–]aslokaa 32ポイント33ポイント  (8子コメント)

Also floss

[–]JJWattGotSnubbed 19ポイント20ポイント  (6子コメント)

Ugghhh I can never bring myself to floss. Mitch Hedberg hit the nail on the head.

Starting flossing is as hard as it is to quit smoking

[–]MissChievousJ 42ポイント43ポイント  (13子コメント)

Also, look both ways before crossing the street

[–]realjefftaylor 37ポイント38ポイント  (2子コメント)

And wear sunscreen. Trust me about the sunscreen.

[–]Hot_Beef_Injection 9ポイント10ポイント  (3子コメント)

That's the most important part.

[–]holymacaronibatman 40ポイント41ポイント  (2子コメント)

False, most important part is

1) Be Attractive

2) Don't be Unattractive

[–]BetaKeyTakeaway 13ポイント14ポイント  (15子コメント)

But what if the gym hits back?

[–]mooselmo 11ポイント12ポイント  (1子コメント)

Hey, I really liked your list, but:

formatting help in comments

I feel like you should start the list items with capital letters, and perhaps bold the most important parts so they stand out among the rest. You can do that by adding two asterisks on each side of the word or passage you wish to embolden. Cheers!

[–]garoo1 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

How about follow her around the house masturbating whilst maintaining eye contact for advice?

[–]jotch 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

Dont get married.

[–]shadowbandodger 19ポイント20ポイント  (0子コメント)

howabout never get married

[–]ZeVillain 46ポイント47ポイント  (1子コメント)

I don't understand why you don't make that situation awkward for HER. Sneak up on her while YOU'RE jerking off..

[–]caw81 77ポイント78ポイント  (7子コメント)

What happens if she catches you and why don't you incorporate that into a new fetish?

"OMG, how could you do something so disgusting!! Put your pants back on!"

"Oh yeah baby, I'm disgusting. Tell me how I'm just a disgusting dirty little boy."

[–]shiftygopher 28ポイント29ポイント  (5子コメント)

Mostly because then security makes me leave the petsmart AND made me return the gerbil. s.

[–]ItsSarahMarie 21ポイント22ポイント  (33子コメント)

I recognize my boyfriend wacks it. Usually it doesn't bother me. I hate when he starts while I'm in the bed. Like he's trying to sneak it or avoid me. I also hate when he leave the blam socks on the floor. I know I should learn but when I step on one of pick up the laundry I don't want to touch it.

[–]gliph 47ポイント48ポイント  (7子コメント)

Why do people use socks? That is so gross and requires unnecessary cleaning. Just use a paper towel or tissue for crying out loud.

To your main point, there are many reasons why someone might masturbate while in a relationship, even in a healthy and sexually active one. If you're feeling hurt or excluded or your needs aren't being met but he's still masturbating, that's something you could bring up. Masturbation and sex are different and some people want both even if they are sexually satisfied so he may not be doing it in an inconsiderate way, just gotta ask him.

[–]bloodklat 73ポイント74ポイント  (109子コメント)

My wife never wants sex

Wow, being married sounds awesome!

[–]AyameM 26ポイント27ポイント  (9子コメント)

It can be. I don't get mad if my husband masturbates. I think I'd be upset if he did it a lot more than he were intimate with me, only because I'm ready/willing to have sex whenever. I think I've only turned him down a handful of times in 9 years. Marriage can be really fun and healthy when you have good communication and when neither of you are cunts about what you do on your own time.

[–]AK_Happy 113ポイント114ポイント  (41子コメント)

This is a cliche. Contrary to popular belief, most women enjoy sex and many married people have healthy sex lives.

[–]Extremefreak17 3ポイント4ポイント  (2子コメント)

They might enjoy sex just as much, but they are certainly FAR more selective about when it occurs.

[–]Strichnine 17ポイント18ポイント  (3子コメント)

it's a cliche for a reason. there is a lot to it.

[–]Droconian 125ポイント126ポイント  (51子コメント)

He's married to a bitch.

[–]BoatWizard 57ポイント58ポイント  (36子コメント)

That's not necessarily true. My fiance has a low sex drive but she's the most amazing person I've ever met. Your sex life may be important, but it's definitely not the only thing that matters.

If she's actually following him around with the sole purpose of preventing him from taking care of himself, you may be right though.

[–]SPacific 83ポイント84ポイント  (12子コメント)

She's not a bitch for not wanting to have sex. My ex wife had a very low sex drive compared to me. She's a bitch for not wanting him to satisfy his natural urges on his own.

[–]yeshua1986 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm married, and that's not a problem at all. It depends on the woman, obviously.

[–]The_FatGuy_Strangler 18ポイント19ポイント  (24子コメント)

U should jack off right in front of her, just to piss her off

[–]skilliness 17ポイント18ポイント  (22子コメント)

Not sure why this pisses some people off... if my bf forgets condoms we just have a wack off race right next to eachother. I always win and get to be rocked to sleep by his furious motions. He does get pissed if I watch porn or use a vibrator when he's not there... gotta stop telling on myself

[–]Wiggsta 17ポイント18ポイント  (16子コメント)

He does get pissed if I watch porn or use a vibrator when he's not there

why?

[–]skilliness 4ポイント5ポイント  (13子コメント)

I don't know! He's very liberal in some ways and very conservative when it comes to that. He's told me he's done being mad about it but refuses to talk about why it makes him mad in the first place. Maybe he's insecure and can't admit it. ?beats me off?

[–]S4kumo 4ポイント5ポイント  (4子コメント)

Porn never bothered me but my girlfriend using a vibe sort for made me a bit insecure because I know for a fact no man will ever live up to that thing

[–]Dakaggo 758ポイント759ポイント  (112子コメント)

If only guys could just be in a relationship with each other, just cut women out of the equation. That would be great.

[–]Charliekratos 332ポイント333ポイント  (22子コメント)

[–]catocatocato 79ポイント80ポイント  (0子コメント)

"Why does he look like the night?"

[–]wardfu9 72ポイント73ポイント  (9子コメント)

What is that from? That is hilarious. That should be a full length movie.

[–]Jonathan_DB 48ポイント49ポイント  (0子コメント)

YouTube.

No seriously I'm pretty sure it's a YouTube short by a comedy sketch group.

[–]CervezaPorFavor 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

"... starting tomorrow." lol

[–]liarandathief 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

What if one day, there's too many people?

[–]Karsonist 54ポイント55ポイント  (2子コメント)

"Gods just angry cause they found a loophole"

[–]GRVB 14ポイント15ポイント  (4子コメント)

It's always sunny in Philadelphia did something related to that.

[–]Darkm1tch69 27ポイント28ポイント  (13子コメント)

Just drinkin beers and playing video games. Building forts and staying up late. That would be the life.

[–]_Z_E_R_O 19ポイント20ポイント  (6子コメント)

You can't do that with your SO? Because that sounds like a good relationship to me.

[–]shirts_tx 19ポイント20ポイント  (3子コメント)

You can until she decides you're adults now and the fun is gone and it's all Roth IRAs and making your bed and flossing.

[–]PM_ME_YOUR_WOW_UI 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

To be fair, you should probably get in on that Roth IRA early for it to have the most effect.

[–]CervezaPorFavor 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

They don't make 'em like that any more.

[–]DraculaBranson 36ポイント37ポイント  (9子コメント)

sounds sooo good. i wish i were gay, im just not...

[–]Gromps 29ポイント30ポイント  (6子コメント)

I'm bi. Can confirm, men are great.

[–]AfricaByFrodo 16ポイント17ポイント  (4子コメント)

Would you be willing to elaborate on the differences, in your experience, between romantic relationships with men and romantic relationships with women? I'm interested to hear it if you are.

[–]zomething 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

Guys sure don't care if you whack off like girls do

[–]ProfessorPlush 100ポイント101ポイント  (25子コメント)

Palmela Handerson

[–]I_DO_THAT_OFTEN 51ポイント52ポイント  (10子コメント)

I've been seeing Rosy Palm and her five sisters on the side for years!!

[–]cunnilinguslover 24ポイント25ポイント  (2子コメント)

Lily Whitepalm for me, distant relative of the Palm family.

Totally.

Fucking.

Insatiable.

[–]Bornsalty 39ポイント40ポイント  (0子コメント)

Most loyal bitches I know.

[–]Vgames 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

At least you don't have Jill, that whore has been with everyone.

[–]unicornica 86ポイント87ポイント  (20子コメント)

Shitpost aside, I can understand getting upset about masturbation if it inhibits sex life. I tried to word this less crudely but I couldn't figure out how, so fuck it - I love cum and I have a high sex drive (5-7 days a week) and if he's jerked off and doesn't have the drive or the load I want, I'm disappointed. I get that he totally has the right to wank whenever he'd like and that's fine, but I'd prefer if he didn't because it's better for me (which, in turn, makes it better for him).

Girls who do that stuff to try to control their man are bat-shit; I don't care if he watches and jerks it to porn, I just feel a little entitled to the stuff he wipes away and doesn't appreciate after.

[–]FloatyFloat 28ポイント29ポイント  (3子コメント)

If you tell him you feel entitled to it, he might come around. Some guys wouldn't mind saving it up for his girl, especially if said girl wants it all the time.

[–]lannhues 3ポイント4ポイント  (2子コメント)

You'd be surprised..

[–]FloatyFloat 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

Point taken, and edited.

[–]lannhues 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

Some is more accurate, but I've noticed that a lot of guys THINK they want a girl with a high sex drive, until they get worn out or tired. Or they start to realized lots of sex with the same person isn't fun to them, it's always the same person! Then they still just go back to porn or infidelity instead of solving the underlying unhappiness.

I've had guys accuse me of using them for sex, not truly caring about them because my sex drive is so high, just thinking they're an object, etc. All the super stereotypical lines guys use about low sex drive ladies. I honestly think it's more a relationship issue than people want to acknowledge, and much less of a "sex drive" or libido issue.

[–]rotyag 21ポイント22ポイント  (0子コメント)

In way too many relationships, if masturbation wasn't an option, fidelity wouldn't be either.

[–]LandoChronus 73ポイント74ポイント  (22子コメント)

Could you imagine if guys, just for a bit, stopped putting up with the crap, and stopped caring about getting laid ?

We could, dare I say it, change the world.

[–]Burritoholic 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

An idle penis is the devil's plaything.

[–]Ijustsaidfuck 28ポイント29ポイント  (4子コメント)

Every time I feel a bit lonely being single. I talk to my married friend and suddenly I'm happy again. I like his wife.. but man she has her days.

[–]Brubold 22ポイント23ポイント  (1子コメント)

Yeah this. There are only a couple of friends who I think hit the jackpot with their wife. Everyone else is tied to some high maintenance drama queen. They've convinced themselves that they're in great marriages but I'd run screaming out of the door after a day.

[–]Stoke-me-a-clipper 35ポイント36ポイント  (41子コメント)

My brother is married to a woman who gets pissed (presumably considers it a species of cheating) if he jerks off to porn. Cracks me up and makes me kind of sad at the same time.

[–]-Beth- 52ポイント53ポイント  (27子コメント)

Not everyone is okay with their partners watching porn, I mean everyone has different boundaries. I think it's okay to not want your partner to masturbate to other people.

It's never bothered me personally, but I think it's fair enough for people to feel uncomfortable in that situation.