After much work, my long awaited thesis is finally available:

The Heisenbutt Uncertainty Principle states that it is impossible to know the state of certain aspects of bitcoin simultaneously. There are 2 such examples. The first is that bitcoin transactions are instant, and that they are secure and irreversible. The problem, is that they are only instant if merchants accept 0-conf transactions, but 0-conf transactions are not secure. By definition, they have 0 confirmations. They can be one or the other, but not both at the same time. The second example is "is bitcoin a payment network, or a store of value?" If you cite the technical flaws preventing bitcoin from being a widely usable payment network, bitcoiners will say it's not a payment network, but a store of value. If you cite that bitcoin's value proposition is its utility as a payment network, they will argue that it doesn't need to be one because people will just buy and hold. If you cite bitcoin's poor performance as a store of value, they will argue that no one needs to hold on to bitcoin for long because bitcoin is truly a payment network.