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1624

STIFU by texting my mother. (self.tifu)

Macrador が 投稿

My girlfriend's phone stopped working and the replacement turned out to be a piece of crap. Her brother offered to send his old phone as a replacement. We live away from home because of university. Delivering things to my parents' house feels safer. We already did that a few times. So we decided to let them know something was coming with the mail.

I decided to give my mother a heads up with a text. So I texted: "Girlfriend is expecting a package." not thinking anything of it. My mother didn't respond and again I thought nothing of it. She does that often.

However when I came home 2 weeks later I learned that she had been panicking the whole time. She thought I knocked up my girlfriend. She demandend an explanation. I gave one and laughing ensued.

So as a bonus I learned that my mother thinks I'm capable of getting my girlfriend pregnant and announcing it through text with a shitty pun.

TL;DR: I texted my mother and she thought I knocked up my girlfriend.

Edit: According to my girlfriend I'm wrong because it was 2 days and not 2 weeks.

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[–]ohmygodbecky33 943ポイント944ポイント  (55子コメント)

Your mom thought your girlfriend was pregnant, and she ignored your text?

[–]RawrNeverStops 331ポイント332ポイント  (23子コメント)

She's too busy buying a crib and all the baby needs to even reply!

[–]TrishyMay 172ポイント173ポイント  (20子コメント)

I have a mom that would do this.

[–]SoraXes 58ポイント59ポイント  (13子コメント)

I want a mother that would do this

[–]pickledtomatoes 53ポイント54ポイント  (11子コメント)

My mother did do this

[–]AtopiaUtopia 111ポイント112ポイント  (8子コメント)

I have broken arms

[–]Aveonix 19ポイント20ポイント  (0子コメント)

My mother has these.

[–]VaginalBurp 13ポイント14ポイント  (1子コメント)

Look at me

I am the mother now.

[–]seventysevensevens7 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

An important all out of bubble gum!

[–]Falconpunchd 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

my mother did do this

[–]AtopiaUtopia 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

Seriously waiting for /u/verifiedson to come here and say "I did my mother"

[–]MasterUnlimited 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

At least your mom can help you.

[–]vicildrax 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Pls no

[–]aldebaran_27 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

did she do did it?

[–]wrekd 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Poor dad was just along for the ride. Just three more years and he can retire.

[–]dkeedy 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

My mom abandoned me before I was even born :(

[–]eyusmaximus 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

But... it's impossible for someone to do that.

[–]InSaNe_MoNkEy_ 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

Marry that woman

[–]TrishyMay 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

I already married a different woman and my dad is already married to that woman. Unsure of what to do.

[–]Xunafein 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Nothing to see here, carry on.

[–]turbinador 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Mom is expecting several packages

[–]PersistentHero 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Wish me n my girls fam got us baby stuff...

[–]Macrador[S] 133ポイント134ポイント  (7子コメント)

I don't know what her reasoning was. Maybe she still believed in me.

[–]potatoesarenotcool 24ポイント25ポイント  (6子コメント)

My mom would ignore me too. She would just get really mad and explode when I get home.

[–]drunkunmunky 10ポイント11ポイント  (5子コメント)

Sounds like my mom too...

[–]Sprinkles0 13ポイント14ポイント  (4子コメント)

... do we all have the same mom or are they taking the same mom classes?

[–]BodaciousButler 18ポイント19ポイント  (3子コメント)

mom classes

"Remember students you're never mad, you're dissapointed"

[–]drunkunmunky 6ポイント7ポイント  (1子コメント)

...do we all have the same mom

Oh gosh, imagine if we have the same mom. From Motherboard, mothership.

[–]ReluctantAdult 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wish we had mom classes!

I would have learned so much sooner that I shouldn't pick up the tshirt under my son's bed and that the source of the frequently clogging shower drain wasn't so mysterious.

Although I learned that last one from reddit, so maybe this is its own kind of mom class.

Also, there's no way in hell I'd ignore that text.

[–]purduephotog 22ポイント23ポイント  (5子コメント)

Moms are awesome like that.

I sent my sister an RSVP for 2.5 guests for her wedding. Between tears when they got it they'd already picked out clothes...

[–]akaioi -2ポイント-1ポイント  (4子コメント)

That is hyper cool, I like it!

I do note that you seem to be using a 10-month baseline for your calculation instead of 9. (ie 1 month knocked up you'd reply for 2.11, next month 2.22, etc) But hey. Kids never keep to proper schedule anyway.

[–]Fittitor 6ポイント7ポイント  (2子コメント)

I do note that you seem to be using a 10-month baseline for your calculation instead of 9. (ie 1 month knocked up you'd reply for 2.11, next month 2.22, etc) But hey. Kids never keep to proper schedule anyway.

How would you represent the baby being 4.5 months along?

[–]akaioi 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Seriously, in the RSVP I'd say 2.5 just like /u/purduephotog . But when everyone was together I'd rant and rail happily about precision. If the timing worked out just perfectly (3, 4.5, 6 months) then we will be blessed with "tidy" numbers.

[–]volabimus 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Probably should use weeks / 40. Depending on how accurate your start date is.

[–]bardatwork 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Babies are considered "full term" at 39 weeks. That's 9.75 months if each month is exactly 4 weeks long. That's where the discrepancy ("Pregnancy lasts 9 months." "No, 10 months.") comes from.

[–]Max_Beezly 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

If you ignore it, it's like it never happened

[–]ohmygodbecky33 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

I deal with most of my problems by pretending they don't exist. It usually works.

[–]determinedforce 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I can't even read the original based on the title...just in case it was something "bad". I just watched a CSI where the daughter fell in love with her father, killed her mother, and threw her into the trash after freezing her until garbage day. Also, she was "pregnant" even though not having any sex with the father. Where do these writers come up with these things? Newspaper headlines I guess...

[–]kkkimchii 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Half of these posts aren't even really fuck-ups. They are just unreasonable reactions from the poster's family/friends. I can't imagine why someone's mom wouldn't just call them and ask what's going on just to be sure if they thought their child is going through a major life event like this.

[–]hschupalohs 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah. If OP's mom cared enough to freak out for two weeks (or days now?), then she would certainly care enough to drop everything and call you immediately for details and context.

[–]LPLunaticFringe 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Same

[–]jaynkier 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Sounds like she doesn't like the girlfriend. If you don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. I like it.

[–]VinoGee 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

My mom did this to me, only I told her in person.....and my girlfriend was actually pregnant. ( ͡° ʖ̯ ͡°)

[–]goldmockingjay 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Are you that lame?

[–]eyeboogi -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

Fake story

[–]waffleocalypse 151ポイント152ポイント  (9子コメント)

Well now you know how to break the news if it actually happens

[–]Macrador[S] 232ポイント233ポイント  (8子コメント)

My girlfriend already demanded that if it happens that's the way we'll announce it.

[–]Tyler77i 275ポイント276ポイント  (7子コメント)

According to my girlfriend I'm wrong

Bro join the fucking club

[–]RikM 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wasn't entirely sure if this was true until that sentence. "According to my girlfriend I'm wrong" is proof enough for me.

[–]Sprinkles0 25ポイント26ポイント  (1子コメント)

It's rarely ever a good thing to have the roles of right/wrong reversed. I'd much rather be wrong than be right and deal with proven-wrong-female.

[–]bloodoflethe 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeh, tell me about it. My wife acts like it's the end of the world when I show her she's wrong. She never seems to notice how frequently I just let her have her way.

[–]ZWQncyBkaWNr 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

When you're wrong, you're wrong, and when you're right, well, you're wrong. Best advice my dad ever gave me about women.

[–]Cloymax 108ポイント109ポイント  (6子コメント)

Well if she was pregnant she's obviously already gotten the package.

[–]xRaw-HD 135ポイント136ポイント  (5子コメント)

You could say OP delivered.

[–]donquixote1991 28ポイント29ポイント  (3子コメント)

Is OP a milkman by trade?

[–]TheMarimbaGuy 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Didn't his girlfriend's brother deliver?

[–]porradavfr 18ポイント19ポイント  (3子コメント)

You could have easily clarified things by noting your girlfriend was expecting a small package that didn't excite her much, like always.

[–]SlowTyperr 30ポイント31ポイント  (17子コメント)

Plot twist: Have you thought of a name yet?

[–]MadGo 86ポイント87ポイント  (16子コメント)

how about Nokia

[–]Macrador[S] 18ポイント19ポイント  (3子コメント)

You made her giggle and now I'm afraid of what her suggestions for names will be.

[–]crimsonchin45 50ポイント51ポイント  (0子コメント)

After reading the comments here, it seems that your moms plan has worked. Your girlfriend is now eager to have a kid.

Son, you've been played.

[–]NotFadeAway 15ポイント16ポイント  (1子コメント)

Sam Sung.

[–]ZWQncyBkaWNr 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Anne Droid if it's a girl.

[–]vallsin 25ポイント26ポイント  (10子コメント)

Xiaomi If it's a girl.. Edit-thanks /u/zenolijo for the spell check 😀

[–]FKYS 10ポイント11ポイント  (7子コメント)

Oneplus? IDK.

[–]keeb119 2ポイント3ポイント  (6子コメント)

Samsung

[–]cheesegoat 20ポイント21ポイント  (3子コメント)

"SM-G920F, clean your room right now, or help me god I'll wipe your cache partition and bootloop you!"

[–]thecreeper123455 16ポイント17ポイント  (2子コメント)

NO MOM let me finish updating

[–]8oD 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

kernalpanic

[–]RikM 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

[Salutes] Colonel Panic.

[–]tnturner 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

SamEsung. They bought the E from GE, which is now simply known as G.

[–]zenolijo 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

I don't want to be that guy, but:

*Xiaomi

[–]kskinne 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

This child would be indestructible.

[–]Jomicorreia 29ポイント30ポイント  (0子コメント)

Well.. Only moms to think that

[–]rebelde_sin_causa 22ポイント23ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm just impressed that you have a mom who would remain silent for 2 weeks while believing you impregnated your girlfriend.

[–]8oD 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

She's setting up the crib in the guest room.

[–]_M0rgasm_ 7ポイント8ポイント  (1子コメント)

Edit: According to my girlfriend I'm wrong because it was 2 days and not 2 weeks.

Get used to this. The three most powerful words in a relationship are not "I love you", but "I was wrong". According to my marriage counselor, anyway. Lately I'm seeing the wisdom in this.

[–]izzgo 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

And the 2 most powerful are "yes dear"

source: 30 years with one partner.

[–]Zaowly 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

2 days, 2 weeks... 3 inches, 12 inches. Same difference.

[–]kidorbekidded 12ポイント13ポイント  (3子コメント)

Your mom fucked up, not you. Expecting a package is certainly not any euphemism for pregnancy I've ever seen bandied about

[–]wasteoffire 4ポイント5ポイント  (2子コメント)

It's a pretty common euphemism, but his mom did fuck up by just panicking about it and not clarifying

[–]joneslife4 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've never heard one say "I'm expecting a package" in regards to a pregnancy. It typically stops at "I"m expecting" from what I've heard.

[–]Baked_Otter 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've always heard "she's expecting."

[–]ilovesmallpeople 10ポイント11ポイント  (13子コメント)

Nice story . I am dying here :D

[–]NsDTY5pC 18ポイント19ポイント  (9子コメント)

RIP /u/ilovesmallpeople

[–]ImCorvec_I_Interject 5ポイント6ポイント  (8子コメント)

F

[–]CorruptedLoL 23ポイント24ポイント  (2子コメント)

I'm living here.

[–]TheRagingHerp 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I can't tell if I'm dead or alive

[–]Chuurp 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I can't tell if you're dead or alive.

[–]ExpatMeNow 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

We sort of did this to my FIL. We found out we were pregnant a few days before his birthday, so when we called him up to wish him a happy birthday, we said, "Dad, you've got another present coming, but it won't be delivered for another 9 months!" It took several more iterations of that sort of thing before he finally got it.

[–]CenturyBlade 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

How old is your dad to not be able to grasp that level of blatant innuendo? :(

[–]MassinBminor 12ポイント13ポイント  (1子コメント)

So as a bonus I learned that my mother thinks I'm capable of getting my girlfriend pregnant

Are you not?

[–]MIDGET_ANAL_FISTING 35ポイント36ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm capable of getting my girlfriend pregnant and announcing it through text with a shitty pun.

Words, bro.

[–]khbadi 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

What if sending packages to house were so common that you text "Person is expecting"? Would be hilarious. My girlfriend is expecting and I am expecting too.

[–]5171984 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Capable of knocking up a girl, but incapable of knowing the difference between days and weeks. You're some kind of rocket surgeon.

[–]ZWQncyBkaWNr 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

He's definitely not the sharpest fish in the sky, that's for sure.

[–]thecreeper123455 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

girlfriend is expecting a package

Maybe not a euphemism for pregnancy, but definitely the cause of pregnancy

[–]Linkyc 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

If I were you, I would stop worrying about fuck ups and start worrying about the perception of time. 2 days vs 2 weeks, that kind of thing, man.

[–]SCRIZZLEnetwork 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

It's honestly not that big of a deal... once time has passed, it's less relevant as the time that is approaching.

[–]nssdrone 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

My mother didn't respond and again I thought nothing of it. She does that often...

She demanded an explanation

Obviously not enough to text you back

[–]thebestbananabread 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

Hey, at least you aren't my uncle who texted mum and granma that he was getting married and only having a "small thing" with his girlfriends family. There was no pun.

[–]Anadizzle_ 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Wow, I would have been very upset. How did your family react?

[–]thebestbananabread 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Mum has nothing to do with him after accumulative shit over the years. Granma still talks to him but rarely.

[–]KraevinMB 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

According to my girlfriend I'm wrong - Well of course you are that's how it works.

[–]gn0v0s 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Now you know how to tell your mom about expecting your first child.

[–]ImCorvec_I_Interject 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

it was 2 days and not 2 weeks.

It probably felt like 2 weeks if she was using your phone the whole time.

[–]Lucid003 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your mother must've confused "package" with "bundle of joy."

[–]believe_in_ 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

How do you mess up the 2 day span to being 2 weeks? Too busy thinking about the package?

[–]YourMother35 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I know you did

[–]krat0s77 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

P

[–]MaskedMonsterMapper 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

LOL

[–]SadisticYellowBird 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've been with the same guy since I was 16, my mom is asking me when we're going to have grandkids for her and if she should get baby supplies ready. I'm turning 19 on Wednesday. ಠ_ಠ

[–]chipi92 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

my comment don't make sense

[–]XanthippeSkippy 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

That wasn't your fuck up, it was your mom's. Good job getting in to university with those genes dude.

[–]U1389 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

So when you text "girlfriend is preggo" mom will immediately text back "I watch for the phone in the mail."

[–]Jorumvar 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your mom would be surprised at your ability to knock up a girl?

[–]squiddangles 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

why do you say "because of university" ? why dont you just say that you attend A university?

[–]BigDrew923 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think its a British thing. They do that for hospital also.

[–]mrsalwayswright 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Please change "were 2 days" to "was 2 days."

Other than that, very funny and yes announce it that way if your girlfriend ever does get that package. ;)

[–]SneakyRocket -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

Totally opened this hoping you sent your mom that message, followed by a dick pic, captioned "this package" @lpha as fuck.

[–]joneslife4 -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

According to your girlfriend you're wrong? So are you guys debating on if the span was 2 days or 2 weeks? That's a pretty big difference. If it was two weeks it's crazy that your mother wouldn't have just called you within that time.