全 26 件のコメント

[–]eatplaycrush2 Endorsed Contributor 21ポイント22ポイント  (10子コメント)

You feel you're doing your best yet you whine a lot and and seem to blame all of your downfalls on whatever happened to you medically. I gurantee he doesn't care if you pay him back financially or not, what he truly wants is you to stop whining and be persistent, persevere through your hardship, and be the best you can be with the cards you have been dealt. If you're whining and continually using your condition as an excuse you're not doing any of those things.

medical conditions do not cause weight gain, it is extremely rare for them to actually do that. You have to consider your caloric intake and adjust accordingly to your current situations.

[–]Nyghtshadae[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (8子コメント)

I mostly complained about how awful it was or how bad I felt physically. Maybe it was about symptoms.

I do still complain because I'm so weak and it's a pain to get back into shape.

But, what I don't understand is that the problem really was causing me not being able to pull my weight in the house. So it is the reason.

Also, why wouldn't a medical condition cause weight gain? I don't know what you mean by that since it did in this case.

Edited I am looking forward to your thoughts since I get the impression he thinks I'm making excuses when I think that those are reasons. I don't get it.

[–]bicepsblastingstud1 8ポイント9ポイント  (4子コメント)

I am looking forward to your thoughts since I get the impression he thinks I'm making excuses when I think that those are reasons. I don't get it.

Potato, potato.

I do still complain because I'm so weak and it's a pain to get back into shape.

This is an excuse. YOU control your attitude. Disease or no. I don't want to pile on, but there's a photo on the Internet of a Navy man who lost all 4 of his limbs in an IED explosion. In every photograph, he's beaming.

You might feel badly, but part of being a good first mate is knowing when to suck it up.

Also, why wouldn't a medical condition cause weight gain? I don't know what you mean by that since it did in this case.

If you had eaten literally nothing, you wouldn't have gained weight, right? You would have starved to death and died. Since we know this is true, we also know that the disease can't make you gain weight out of nowhere.

So while the disease might slow your metabolism, or make it harder to exercise, it didn't make you gain weight. If you had eaten less during your illness, you wouldn't have gained weight.

I am disappointed in you, OP, but this is fixable. If that's what you want, though, you need an attitude overhaul.

[–]vintagegirlgame 8ポイント9ポイント  (3子コメント)

Usually it's prescription medications that cause metabolism changes and causes weight gain. Not sure what medical issue the OP had. Even meds are not an excuse for weight gain, but if it is meds OP has to compensate with changes in diet and exercise

[–]Violetly 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

There are meds that zap your energy, which means less exercise.

[–]Disappear_vanish 10ポイント11ポイント  (1子コメント)

Weight gain is 99% diet. I can be totally sedentary and if I eat at or under my tdee I will not gain weight.

[–]eatplaycrush2 Endorsed Contributor 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

Bingo. This is 100% right.

[–]eatplaycrush2 Endorsed Contributor 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

I could sleep all day and eat at my TDEE and not gain weight. I could develop a severe disease and eat at my adjusted TDEE and not gain weight. You have to be aware of your caloric intake and adjust accordingly to find what subjectively keeps you healthy and not fat. It isn't rocket science. Not sure why most of the population believes otherwise.

[–]swift-heart 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

it's just a really common excuse used by people who have completely given up on their physical appearance.

for instance, i have polycystic ovarian syndrome and one of the side effects of this condition is weight gain. nevertheless i've managed to stay at a healthy weight by reducing my carb and sugar intake....it doesn't even have to be as extreme as counting calories.

[–]icyhonesty 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Sometimes the medication or the condition itself can change your apiteite or your energy levels, however, being hungry doesn't cause weigh gain- responding to the increased hunger by eating more does. Being tired doesn't cause weight gain- responding to the tired feeling by moving less does.

[–]Nyghtshadae[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

As for the money, I feel bad because he keeps talking about how he is missing out on hobbies because he used that money for my care.

[–]Disappear_vanish 19ポイント20ポイント  (1子コメント)

I might hurt your feelings but it's because I hope you'll read how this looks from the outside (which is why you're posting here, right? Advice?) and wake up.

You're being very vague about this illness because you need to play the victim card in order to get advice you want to hear, and this illness, if you told us what it is, will probably get you laughed out of here. I think the illness is depression.

You have hamstered depression into an excuse to gain a ton of weight and stop having sex with your man, to dismiss gaining employment, basically instead of first mate, you're an anchor. Nt in a good way.

You need to stop bleeding this man. You're not adding anything to his life or the relationship, but you have bled him dry for two years getting fat, being lazy and whiny, drying up on him (if sex was ever satisfying for him after the honeymoon phase), being a victim, and making excuses.

The fact that you're in this forum still hiding behind excuses says enough. You've sold it to yourself so well you think anyone will buy it.

I'm going to believe you do want help because anyone in that situation would be miserable, but you won't be able to ignore the advice you don't want to hear because it isn't covered in sugar.

Leave this man. Cut him loose, let him go, get your body into shape, get a job, work on your self inside and out. Be a person who doesn't make others miserable. He's done two years, that's a long time to be in a sexless relationship with a woman who won't put forth any effort.

So either pull off a radical change and get your head out of the sand as quickly as possible by losing the weight ASAP and fucking him and blowing him as often as he wants it, or let him go find someone who will.

Now I'm not trying to be mean, but I can smell all of what you're stepping in and you need to know that depression is not an excuse to totally give up taking care of yourself or your relationship. It makes it difficult at times, but it's not an excuse.

Edit: so to your question about whether this can be fixed. Realistically, you don't sound like you're capable of doing all that is necessary, he's not interested in carrying you anymore, so no. There's no immediate fix and there's no easy fix which I suspect is what you're looking for. But it sounds like you're last couple of years of "illness" and "victim hood" have broken his back.

You would need to have self-discipline, self control, true concern for his happiness and well being which motivates you to do the things and be the things he needs from his parter, and you need to stop this victim garbage but I can't find any clue in any of this that you're interested or capable.

[–]cxj 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

instead of first mate, you're an anchor.

In other words, the proverbial "ball and chain" many men have referred to their wives as for centuries...

[–]StingrayVCEndorsed Woman 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

Stop complaining. It will be hard, but accept what you are going through and bring some happiness back into your life, however you must.

Sit down and make a plan to recover. Nutrition, exercise, rest, all of it. Pick one or two doable things a day, on top of your exercise routine around the house and do it. To start with, pick something (doable) that is really important to him in an effort to be gracious and grateful. This will likely go MUCH further in paying him back than the money will.

Look, you're complaining to your SO, it sounds like you even had something major to complain about. But this complaining is putting more and more onto him than you have already put onto him. He's accepted what you put on to him. Stop adding to it. It makes you seem ungrateful and loafing.

Accept what your reality is right now, make a plan to strengthen yourself, and stop complaining. Put a smile on your face for the man who got you through all of this.

Edited to add: Whatever it is you are complaining about, he already knows. There is no reason for you to keep saying it, other than to make yourself feel better. It's time to start thinking about him.

[–]Violetly 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

No. It's so hard for me to enjoy sex when I'm always so tired.

You don't have to love sex, but if you love your partner you should really put in the effort sometimes if it's not causing you actual pain. Have you spoken to him about this? "I'm not able to do x, y, and z because I am physically too tired. Would you be interested in a,b,or c instead? I would like to make you feel good." Feel free to PM me if you want suggestions for specific activities that can be done in a low-physical-effort way.

[–]Aerobus 7ポイント8ポイント  (1子コメント)

I gained a lot of weight.

This is the source of all your problems I guarantee it. It is very, very important for you remain not-fat if you want attraction to be there with your man.

I am very emotional about critism

This is your second biggest problem. If your SO has criticized your weight, he's doing so not because he hates you, but because he used to love you and still wants to love you. He's just having difficulty doing so because of your weight.

He stood by you and financially supported you. It's up to you if you want to become fat and unattractive and make him feel like his loyalty to you was undeserved, or if you want to show him that you are a high value woman worthy of being his partner.

TL;DR

Can this be fixed?

Yes, but only by you, and you can't make excuses

[–]eatplaycrush2 Endorsed Contributor 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

It is very, very important for you remain not-fat if you want attraction to be there with your man.

It is also important for health reasons as well. Being overweight/having high body fat is never going to be an asset to your health. It makes everything worse.

[–]littlebit_ 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm going to do my best to sugar-coat this, because you are clearly going through an incredibly dark time right now.

It seems to me that you're concerned that he no longer trusts you. By your account, you haven't been pleasant to be around nor have you been able to contribute to your relationship (financially, emotionally, or sexually). I understand that your illness was the main cause of that & I definitely feel for you, but even so, a lot of guys wouldn't be able to go through something like that. Not only did your boyfriend stay by your side anyway, he financially supported you through everything. What a wonderful man, right? A wonderful man that obviously loves you. Yet you still talk about leaving him. I'm not sure what impression you've given him, but if it's the same one you're giving me, he probably believes the only reason you're staying with him is because you feel like you owe him. If the situation was reversed, would you trust him?

I'm not going to give you any advice, the other girls here have said the same things I would have & it's not my style to beat a dead horse. But I hope you understand his perspective a little better & that it makes you more willing to put in the work to fix it.

[–]Aerobus 1ポイント2ポイント  (4子コメント)

I just finished reading the rest of the post. Please, leave this poor man if you have on intention to change. He stood by you and you've done very little if anything to make it up to him. He deserves better.

No. It's so hard for me to enjoy sex when I'm always so tired.

So you became fat, don't have sex with him, and whine a lot. And this has gone on for ...

Around 2 years

He is doing either one of two things:

  1. He is stuck in an abusive relationship. He used to love you and wants to love you. He wants to make you happy but is feeling unappreciated and having difficulty convincing you to be attractive and whine less. He desperately wants to make it work but is at his wits end.

  2. (Less likely). He's having an affair. Very little sex or no sex, coupled with feeling unloved, drives a man to an affair. It is what it is.

By the way OP, tell your BF to get on reddit and message me. I'd like to introduce him to TRP and teach him dread game, the importance of lifting, and how to defuse shit tests. I want to help him out.

[–]bicepsblastingstud1 3ポイント4ポイント  (3子コメント)

By the way OP, tell your BF to get on reddit and message me. I'd like to introduce him to TRP and teach him dread game, the importance of lifting, and how to defuse shit tests. I want to help him out.

I feel for these guys too, but I don't see this going well.

[–]Aerobus 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

The point of that remark is to showcase just how bad the situation is for OP's BF. I don't think she really understands the psychological effects this is having on him.

Oh and, many RPW have said they dislike dread game and their partners using TRP tactics (e.g. defusing shit tests). Every one I've talked to said it has worked on them.

[–]admiralclammyquim 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

What are shit tests and dread game?

[–]Aerobus 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

http://illimitablemen.com/2014/12/14/the-shit-test-encyclopedia/

Dread game doesn't have a solid post of its own. You'll have to read some examples of it to better understand it. It's when a man demonstrates his value by instilling dread in his woman.

[–]Meterus 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

What if you ask him for help exercising, to lose weight? Also, advice on caloric intake, so he can see that you are actually doing what he's suggesting?

[–]stillnoturday 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

"No, I am not sure if he even likes me anymore. But I don't want to leave him since I feel I at least should pay him back something."

Good luck with this relationship.