4
5

What Would You Consider Fixed? (self.DeadBedrooms)

MrLaidALot が 投稿

From yesterdays post, it's pretty interesting to see that we all have a different view of what we consider a "Fixed DB".

In that post, OP describes how he massages his wife for half an hour and gets five minutes of sexual time.

Obviously to some, that's great and to others, that's really not much different. At the end of the day though, he thinks it's fixed, he's happier, and for everyones DB, that's what matters. Whatever you are happy with.

What would be fixed for you? Sex twice a week? Once a month but no starfishing? Sex with no choreplay? Sex where the LL actually initiates?

全 40 件のコメント
並べ替え:
ベスト
トップ新着論争中古い順Q&A

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'll start. After getting out two DBs, I have decided I want the jackpot. I want to never be rejected. I want to never have to "work for it" (choreplay doesn't exactly scream desire) and I want to be lusted after just the same way I lust after.

What would be fixed for you?

[–]lonelyboy1988 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Really though. I'd be happy with some physical intimacy. With maybe some proof that she is actually attracted to me. Sex once a week instead of a month would be nice also. If not more!

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Once a week would be fine as long as there is desire?

It's funny because other subs find HLs to be entitled assholes but often, many of HLs are willing to compromise down as long as the desire is there.

[–]stuckinaclam 1ポイント2ポイント  (5子コメント)

To be desired with physical expression from LL's initiation at min. once a month=fixed to me

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

Once a month but with that all important D word again. Once would really be fine?

[–]stuckinaclam 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

If he initiated suprisingly (not alcohol induced) without me even thinking "i really would like to get laid", it would be Christmas, my birthday and NYE all in one. But that's not going to happen....

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

You would think that if he knew it would mean that much to you, he would do it just out of love.

[–]stuckinaclam 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I guess. Why are LL's LL's? They on some level know. They chose not to act for all the gazillion reasons we already know. Love is also not enough to cross that bridge as many people have stated "we have the best relationship except for this one area..." It's all exhausting

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

At the end of the day, they have what they want and have no reason to change it in many cases.

[–]DBlurker2015 1ポイント2ポイント  (4子コメント)

To be desired - I wouldn't really care how much actual sex as long as I knew she was interested in me physically and wanted me physically on occasion (1+ a month).

Along with that i want more of all of the little touch and thoughts and gestures.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (3子コメント)

That's the second time I've read once a month. But the desire aspect is so important it seems. Quality over quantity, right?

[–]DBlurker2015 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

yup - for years we were at once a month and i wasn't going crazy. I would be down for more, but let's say my minimum baseline is 1 x a month.

Also while we were at 1x a month, every shower we took was together (non sexy) we always would cook together, we would go on little adventures, we had a much closer bond. We would snuggle every day. After kids, EVERYTHING is broken (to me)

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

That's the main fear I have with kids. I would never want sex to go away and I feel like I'd resent them if it did. I'm sorry to hear that.

[–]DBlurker2015 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

My biggest task i am working on right now is trying to reframe my relationship with my youngest. I have this negative shadow and it does really cause resentment.

[–]Jimmy_Joe_Jr 1ポイント2ポイント  (6子コメント)

In that post, OP describes how he massages his wife for half an hour and gets five minutes of sexual time.

You entirely missed my point. I would not consider fixed DB if I would just get what you wrote above. My point was that my wife did not want any sex whatsoever, and the bits and pieces of sexual time I was getting due to massage opened both me and her to new possibilities. I basically stopped demanding intercourse, and she realized she could have sex on her terms. Before when she would be horny and want sex, she would regret about it the following few days, because I would keep wanting the "thing we did the other day" relentlessly for a while. Now with the blowjobs I keep happy until the next time she wants it.

She started to WANT sex again, regularly. To me this is a HUGE change.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (5子コメント)

I get your point. I just don't agree with it, personally. I don't see that as real desire. At least not the kind I want and not the kind I'd be satisfied with.

But I'm happy for you and your improved relationship. If you're happy with it, that's what counts. No one else has to live it but you.

[–]Jimmy_Joe_Jr 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

I don't see that as real desire

You lost me here. When woman grabs you and tells you she wants you to fuck her and cums multiple times from that while kissing you passionately and talking dirty it does not look like real desire?

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Once again, personally as in my opinion, no.

She started to want sex again on her terms, when she feels like it.

That right there doesn't do it for me. My wife, for example, needs no terms. She is up for it whenever I say. It can be on my terms, her terms, hell it could be on Mickey Mouse's terms. It doesn't matter. She really desires me. So anytime, anywhere.

The next part is the 30 minute massage for a 5 minute blow job. I see that as choreplay there. If I am correct, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you started giving massages and she started blowjobs? That doesn't say desire to me either. My wife doesn't need any choreplay. She literally will just come up to me, whip it out, and star sucking. Just because that's what she likes to do.

Not saying my relationship is better. Not saying yours is better. znot saying either is worse. But what you wrote doesn't say "desire" to me, personally. It sounds like choreplay. No offense. Like I said, if you're happy, that's all that matters in your relationship.

[–]Jimmy_Joe_Jr 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

First let me tell you - congrats on the wife :)

Second: you did not have to repair any DB issues with your current wife, am I right? Me, on the other hand, I had to do some major damage control. Trust me, I wish there was some magic button I could press and mirror your current wife behavior. Some of us have to work at it.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you. I appreciate that. I got lucky because she's out my league :)

I think we all do. That would be great to have. But I honestly do think if you're both happy, then screw it (pun intended). If you like this arrangement, and she likes it, then it doesn't matter what anyone including myself says. It may not work for me, but who cares. It's yours. You two are more happy. That's all that counts. That's why I made this topic. I wanted to see the varying levels of what makes everyone happy.

Oh and I forgot to answer. Sorry. Nope never any problems with my wife. I had two previous DBs that I left. And even more failed dates due to my "standards". I came off as an upfront asshole but it beat ever ending up in a DB again.

[–]Jimmy_Joe_Jr 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Back to your original question, "What Would You Consider Fixed", DB is defined right here on reddit as "relationship without any physical intimacy in it". As far as I am concerned, if my wife started to want sex again - it no longer qualifies as relationship without any physical intimacy in my book.

[–]ToughKittenGiving up 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

More equal initiation and entirely less rejection. Three times plus oral every week. These are just metrics, though.

When you go without, you start paying attention to markers and water lines. Desire and affection are the real fixes. But I think the desire and affection need to add up to about that for it to feel fixed.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Desire and affection are the real fixes

So true. Which I think is why choreplay sex and pity sex and duty sex just don't work. None of them show that. Those three times don't mean as much as three times where they really and truly desire you.

[–]SomedayMaybeMeF/HL/48 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

Frequency of 2-3 times a week would be wonderful, but even more important than that would be the appearance of genuine want and desire. I want him to really want to have sex.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

It's funny because nearly every reply has brought the same thing. Pretty low numbers but with desire. No one here is a sex maniac it seems. But everyone finds the desire to be the most important part.

[–]SomedayMaybeMeF/HL/48 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I think it's the part that hurts the most: the lack of genuine desire. I would have an easier time handling the low frequency if the sex itself wasn't just duty or pity sex. That's why I no longer initiate. I'd rather go without than be with someone who's just doing me a favor.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

So true. Pity sex would just feel bad. It's not real. If I ever had to give someone pity sex, I would at least make sure they never found out it was.

[–]anonabandoned 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I would consider it fixed if we shared intimacy and I could sense it was sincere on her part. That she wanted to be with me rather than felt obligated to be there on an as infrequent basis as possible.

When I understood and accepted that she didn't want to have sex with me was when intimacy really dried up between us. I had been initiating just about every time and been rejected the vast majority of those attempts. When she finally did relent I could tell she wanted to be anywhere but with me. The sighs, the lack of participation, the random comments about the chores and things that needed to be done, the stony grimaces, and jumping up and running to the bathroom within seconds of finishing were all (obvious) indicators.

I would rather just a few quality sessions of sex than dozens of half-hearted (no-hearted?) impassionate physical bangs. I can do that myself and, quite frankly, if the choice is between the two I'd rather just take care of myself.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh my goodness absolutely none of those actions say "I desire you" at all. How painful. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure someone else would be different. That's where intimacy would die for me too.

[–]FulminateOfMercury(M/64/?L) - Veteran Of The Psychic Wars 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Slightly different perspective from me.

At this point, if I could get my libido back just once every month I'd be happy. Any sex that resulted would just be a (very welcome) bonus. Every day it's like my dog died. :-(

I wonder if Hollywood would be interested in making a movie called "Raiders of the Lost Libido?"

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Understandable. On the other side there are people who would do anything to have a libido.

I wonder if Hollywood would be interested in making a movie called "Raiders of the Lost Libido?"

That's coming out shortly after "How Stella Got Her Libido Back"

[–]DeadFoyerM 30s 0ポイント1ポイント  (7子コメント)

This is something I'm really struggling with right now.

In the worst depths of my DB, I remember thinking that once a week would be enough. But since then I've had to really explore my own needs and start taking them seriously. Currently our rough goal is to have sex on average 3 days a week. 5 days a week counting blowjobs.

And things are getting better. A lot better. In the last two weeks I've had sex on 5 days, blowjobs on 5 more. And still I find myself unsatisfied. She still turns me down a lot, and I'm still masturbating almost daily. Am I just so used to being unsatisfied that I'm adapting my libido to recreate that feeling in this new situation?

For years our sex life was genuinely, objectively bad. So I didn't buy into it when I was told that my needs were unrealistic and why did I have to make everything about sex. But maybe she was right? Was it a coincidence? Are my needs actually unrealistic?

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (6子コメント)

Unrealistic maybe to her. I need sex daily and I'm okay with that. My wife is too. It all depends who you ask. I don't think it's unrealistic to want sex daily. Especially since that may be your biggest source of bonding.

[–]DeadFoyerM 30s 0ポイント1ポイント  (5子コメント)

Ok, but then do you ever settle? I love my wife, perfect relationship, just this one problem, etc. Eventually I had to learn that it's ok for that one problem to be a dealbreaker.

It's too soon to tell, but it looks like it might be like 80% solved. I don't know if that should be enough.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (4子コメント)

If that one problem is big enough, it is a dealbreaker. Mismatches on things like kids, sex, and money are all dealbreakers. If you can't agree on those, you have a hole in the foundation.

[–]DeadFoyerM 30s 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

But not all holes are the same size, you know? If it's a pinprick sized hole, you wouldn't consider that a hole. If it's a six foot wide hole, you obviously need to go. But somewhere in between six feet and a pinprick, there's a hole that is sized exactly on the edge of stay/go.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

I guess that depends on your perception of said hole. Is it small enough to stay in the house or big enough to warrant leaving?

[–]DeadFoyerM 30s 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

... That's what I'm trying to figure out.

[–]MrLaidALot[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Good luck. I wish you the best with whichever route you decide.

[–]TotesMessenger 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)