So I go to the Library to scan a PDF of my loan request form for school, had to have that to them today without fail, to get the loan moving. I pull up to the Library, and there is a humongous FEMA van parked there. I knew that spelt trouble. So, I go in, and there are literally DOZENS of FEMA clowns in their clown suits, along with a Federal Marshall and a cameraman, and FEMA data entry people (another dozen) with laptops, taking up all the room around the ONE computer that has a scanner. I ask the lady at the desk, “I need to scan this form” and hand her my library card.

Lady at the desk: “Weeeeeellllll, all the FEMA people are here today, and they’re using that room.”

ME: “Weeeeeelllll, they’re just gonna have to move over, because I need to use the scanner.”

Lady, heaving a big SIGH: “SIGH…..let me see what I can do,” she says, obviously irritated that I just didn’t say “OK! NP! Feds have priority, I’ll come back Wednesday.” NOPE. Not gonna happen. She’s gonna GET UP if she has to, and GO IN there and TELL them, “This dude needs to use the scanner. MOVE OVER.”

So, after she does some stuff on the computer, says to me, “I can’t log that computer on.”

ME: “So, what’s the problem?”

OL, looking around for a way to get rid of me, “Let me check. <SIGH>” That’s right, Mrs. FATHO, you gonna get your fat ass up OUT DA CHAIR, and fix the problem. She waddles off into the back, then re-emerges, punches buttons on the computer, looks up, and says, “I’m sorry, I can’t log you on to the computer.”

ME: “SO. WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?”

Mrs. FATHO then says, “<SIGH> I don’t know, let me go ask our network person.” By this time, the FEMA Goons were getting nervous about the Guy in the Library Shirt Who Won’t Go Away and Wants to Invade their Territory near the Scanner. They start sidling up behind me.

Mrs. HO then reappears with Peter the Network Guy, friend of mine, who pushes a few buttons on her computer, and says to me, “It just wasn’t networked, we had to reboot, you can use it now.” Yeah, right.

So, I start toward the scanner which is in the room with all these FEMA goons, and it was like running a gauntlet….one by one these goons start saying, “Sir? SIR? You can’t go in there, Sir, SIR? CAN I HELP YOU??” I ignored them all, just walked around and through them, they were just about apoplectic, then I sat down and did my scan with all these fuckers watching my every move, giving me dirty looks, and me just ignoring them completely.

Then, before I left, I deleted my scan, emptied the Recycle Bin, and cold booted the computer. HA HA HA, take THAT, FEMA. You shall not deny me the scanner and will forever wonder what I scanned. Goons. Fucking Gestapo MoFos. Get outta my library.

Then I went into the stacks, picked out a random book, and reshelved it IN THE WRONG PLACE.