Grey by E L James, review: There's plenty of graphic sex, but Fifty Shades sequel fails to excite

For me, the floggers, the canes and the karabiners of the billionaire’s sexual desires were a new experience. Having managed to avoid the series that sold 125 million copies worldwide, as well as the blockbuster film, I have finally popped my Fifty Shades cherry following the release of Grey yesterday.

Similar to the couple’s lovemaking in the book, the experience was drawn out, racy, frequently painful and unintentionally hilarious. Stand-out lines run from, “Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick,” to, “Miss Steele is topping from the bottom, and she doesn’t even know it.”

This is Christian Grey in his own words, “his thoughts, reflections and dreams”.

E L James dedicates the book to readers who “asked… and asked… and asked for this”. If these requests came from the masochist community, boy, do they get what they asked for. Yet fans hoping for an insight into the smouldering sex-icon’s inner life may well be disappointed.

Grey’s inner-most thoughts are almost exactly the same as what he says out loud. The effect is increasingly comical – Mills & Boon meets Peep Show – while the rest of his internal monologue is spent stating the bleeding obvious. He tells Ana he will talk to her “later”, adding it was to “let her know that we’re not finished with this conversation”.

His vacuous mental life is tempered by his self-doubt, which pops up every time he does anything nice, with lines like: “Grey, get a grip.” More mildly chiding headmaster than a man supposedly plagued by darkness.

Is it sexy? Like the “suede flogger” in his playroom, I’m sure it does the job if you’re into that sort of thing. The sex is graphic, detailed and occasionally even sensual – though almost always undercut by a line of description like (yes, really), “In. Out. In. Out.”

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The book gives fans the chance to view Ana through Grey’s eyes. What they see is a “sassy wench” but beyond that it is a collection of repeatedly, and increasingly bizarrely, described body parts.

Grey’s anthropomorphic penis is the star of the show and surely deserves the next point-of-view volume. His “cock concurs” with one of Ana’s sexy statements, and later it “stirs with approval”.

As for me, I was left a little bruised by an experience not without pleasure – though I may not be venturing into the playroom to find out Ana’s thoughts any time soon.

Sexy talk: Choice extracts

“As she tells me she likes  her tea weak and black, for  a moment I think she’s  describing what she likes  in a man. Get a grip, Grey.  She’s talking about tea.”

“My face erupts in a shit- eating grin.”

“With a pout she turns her back on me and continues to whisk the eggs with gusto. I wonder if she has any idea how disrespectful this is to someone like me.”

“The sassy wench is implying I don’t do any work. Well to hell with that.”

“She has a fine, fine ass. And I’m going to make it pink… like the champagne.”