Finally I found some people who understand what it is like to be ugly. I hope there will be more posts. I have read so many sites, and talked to many friends about it and everyone tries to deny ugly is a real thing. Like it is the worst possible thing to be, so it must not be real. “You just have to dye your hair/change your makeup/lose weight/change your thinking…etc. But….sometimes people would be fine with their appearances if the rest of humanity didn’t care what they looked like. Some people look so ugly that people stare and feel disgusted and angry.
I really felt a connection to the post about people saying to be more confident and then you will be attractive. It doesn’t work that way unless someone is average looking, or pretty. If your face is a disaster that even makeup can’t fix, then being confident will just lead people to feel anger towards this ugly person feeling good about themselves. "Why is she so confident?” and I also have many very pretty friends who get a lot of attention (that doesn’t bother me), but the guys treat me like I am a burden. I also have met guys who have attractive girlfriends but then come to me (to talk, or they try to hook up) because my personality is cool and interesting, but I am too ugly to date. Guys will hide photos if we are in them together.
I have also been ugly for my whole life. In elementary school (all the way into university, and beyond) I was teased for my appearance (I was also thin when I was young, so it’s just about my face), and my family (mostly my mother and her relatives) treated me like my existence was troublesome. My mother treats me like she is superior to me, and gets really upset if something good happens to me, and she acts like I don’t deserve it.
And I am a proper adult (over 25) now so it is not something that gets better with age. I -still- get bullied and harassed and I am not young. People will say comments to me about how I look. People I don’t know. Just recently some guy who I have never even seen before said to me “You’re so ugly.” Like he -has- to let me know. Other people have said things like “What’s wrong with that girl’s face?” “What IS that?” “Are you a girl or a boy?” I get stared at, and people purposely walk in front of me to make me move for them, or they purposely bump into me, when I am outside.
It is so hard to live when you are treated like a monster. I have such sever anxiety and depression I can barely leave my house. When I go out to places, even just grocery shopping, I feel like I am trespassing in the normal human world. People who work in this stores suddenly stop smiling when I get to their register. I get treated like I am doing something bad, stealing or scamming them. People treat ugly people as inhuman. And like they are doing something terrible just by existing. If you are ugly then you will be blamed for whatever bad thing happens. Doesn’t matter how you dress, you must be a criminal, or on drugs.
Someday I will get plastic surgery. Although being unemployed and unable to leave my house make it seem like an impossible dream. I hope to be able to look normal.
I’m 40 and am still considered very ugly and fat. I’ve never been in a decent relationship with a man. Though I was married for a short time I was still alone.
I have been considered ugly in grade school, jr high, high school, and adulthood. I was teased and tormented all the time. I fucking hated getting up in the morning. There were days where a razor blade going across my flesh felt better then getting up going to school. The boys were past cruel. Nobody would sit near me, paper and stuff were thrown at me. I was the butt of every ugly joke. I remember just keeping my head down and just isolating myself from everybody. Even the teachers were cruel about me being fat and ugly. My parents didn’t make things any better. My dad used to lie and say that people respected brains more than beauty…we all know that was a damn lie. I truly hated being at school I didn’t participate in anything. I had one picture done in my freshman year and that was the only picture I had in the yearbook for the four years I was there. There was no homecoming or prom for me. I didn’t venture out and did anything. My whole life was just about surviving and enduring school. My parents would say that things will get better in college. Yes they did I was finally ignored so I felt better.
To this fuckin day I cannot be around a lot of people I tend to keep myself isolated because of the shit I had to endure. I can say with assurance I truly hate men because of the abuse I had to endure from them but I’m not gay so I’m just asexual. I don’t like women too much either because they are just as cruel as men. For some girls they might outgrow their ugliness but more than often they don’t. All I can say just do the best that you can and endure the best that you can.
I remember when I first started getting acne. I was 12 years old and I couldn’t believe what was happening to my face and how puberty was ruining it. I had such gorgeous, flawless skin when I was a child and I never really thought much of it until I got acne and it was like the old saying: “You never know what you have until it’s gone”. My mother bought me coverup and then the girls in my class were whispering about how I was trying to hide my pimples and one little kid mentioned that I have “freckles” (he actually meant pimples. It continued to get worse in high school and then it eventually improved, but it never went back to the way it looked before puberty. I envy my mother because her skin is gorgeous and she puts no effort, whereas I’m always trying new products and I can never make my skin beautiful again. And it’s not just acne, I also have oil, my pores aren’t tiny like I want them to be, I have scars, and some redness.
People tell me I have nice/good/beautiful/flawless skin, but in my eyes it just looks disfigured (at least compared to how it used to look). I was feeling good recently and thought that if all these people including dermatologists and aestheticians said I have nice skin, it must be true. I thought: “hey, it’s not as good as it used to be, but it’s still pretty good”. My boyfriend, however, has constantly made comments like my skin got fucked up, it looks rough without makeup, etc and I told him recently that I changed my mind and that I’m starting to believe I have good skin and he maneuvered my head around and looked in with his microscope vision (he has a really keen eye) and said it’s bad skin, the texture of porridge, there’s scars all over, and although there is some good, it’s much, much more bad than it is good. I felt completely deflated again and I felt like a spotlight was turned on me with the way he zoomed in. He confirmed that it’s not body dysmorphia, but that I was right all along.
I hate looking at old pictures seeing that doll-like skin I used to have and it breaks my heart that it’s irreparably damaged. I also fear that my 12 year old cousin’s amazing complexion will go to shit once he hits puberty and he will face the same pain I’ve had to go through…
I think I have always seen myself as ‘alien’. A little bit about me: Multi ethnic female human that probably took all the worst traits from my diverse genetic background. I was raised by my very loving but stoic grandmother and great-grandmother that didn’t really believe in dishing out the “You’re so pretty” compliments just because I was a girl. I recall asking if I was “pretty” to my granny and being told: “You’ll do. You’re average. You’re not so beautiful and you’re not so ugly.” Well, how’s that for realism? Then, more confusion when I entered middle school and was constantly harassed for being tall and bony. And the zit phase. I remember being told by a classmate that had a ferocious case of cystic acne that he and I should date because we both had zits and therefore we were both ugly. I recall other classmates on the blacktop approving of this matchmaker’s proposal. Ugh.
Then, I grew even taller and started to become a weirdo because I withdrew into my own shell. Needless to say, I never dated the cystic acne guy or any other guy. I went to my senior prom with a gaggle of fellow malcontents and castaways of high school society and I never even got a boyfriend until I was 18. That one ended due to religious differences (his parents were strict JW’s and I wasn’t even allowed in their house…sigh) and it really just served to make me confused about relationships. I began to get this idea that if only I was pretty, I wouldn’t have all of these problems. I wasn’t really jealous of the pretty girls back in high school, but today as an adult, for some reason it seems that I am consumed with my lack of attractiveness. I’ve had a few people tell me that they think I am pretty…usually random old ladies so they were likely bullshitting and just being sweet old ladies. I think my grandmothers really screwed me up in this realm. I’ve been insecure since I grew breasts and super self conscious. As I type, I’m looking at my non flawless, oily face in the black sidescreen. I just washed it and applied a mattifying powder a few hours ago. I often wonder why I even bother applying make up. No men ever look at me, or at least I never catch them. Then I try so hard to catch myself caring about all of this and give a valiant effort to counter it by asking myself “Why do I care so much about this?” and “So what? Is being ugly the end of the world? No? Then why is it so important to you?” and “All those super pretty chicks are going to the same place I’m going one sweet day…the same ultimate place we all go. And, will they still be fuckable and desired by men in the nursing home, the hospice and finally, the casket?”
I’m really going through a nasty internal battle. I hate society. I hate men especially, because I feel most (all) of this is their fault. Even more than my Vulcan grannies, I think men’s expectations of us women to look ‘pretty’ has fucked my head beyond repair. Every time I see a man, I expect derision and scoffing. I expect them to loathe my presence because I don’t look like the women they want in the magazines. I can never look like those chicks. I’m not invisible because I am so tall for a woman, I stand out like a giraffe in a pygmy goat pasture anywhere I go. I am naturally slender, but it’s not good enough for men because I don’t have massive boobs. I spend most my time reading (books or online), working out, fossil hunting in the mountains, doing schoolwork and playing chess against my computer. I’m a certified geek/nerd and I have no social skills thanks to my lack of beauty and the resulting neuroses that sad fact has inspired. Thanks grandma, for ruining my life. Thanks men, for ignoring me and mocking my skinny body (something I can’t help). Weed and learning are my only refuges in this world. Strangely enough, I value my mind and I believe one day (probably once I get to middle age) I will cut myself free from worrying about this anymore. However for now, I am still relatively young, so I am sure biology has its say in how much I care about my looks, or lack thereof, and why it hurts me so deeply that I was not born blessed in this area. I can’t wait to be old as fuck. How many women with Beyonce type looks would ever say that and mean it?
Okay so about two months ago, this guy saw me and a party and started texting me the next day and would like wave at me discreetly whenever we met and like would have sent me a message by the time I got home or whatever. We always like talked a lot but hed literally like never walk up to me or whatever. I asked him this but he kinda brushed it off so about a week ago at another party like we finally talked and all, ended up like hooking up or whatever. The next morning the first thing he asks me is if I told anyone and I said no, but a bunch of people saw him taking me somewhere or whatever, so they already knew. And he pretty much freaked out at me when I said people already knew and he hasnt talked to me ever since, no eye contact or anything, heard I was going out so he didnt. His friends point and laugh at me. I feel terrible because I feel like I ruined his reputation. Normally I wouldnt have done anything with me but hes probably the second guy ever to talk to me, like, in that way, so obviously I was too eager. I shouldve just known my place, but now I feel like ive made him a joke. I honestly want to apologize to him for being so ugly. I wish I knew the entire time that he was embarrassed to talk to me, and now to have done anything with me. He was unusually attractive too..I shouldve fucking known. I feel like shit, not because im ugly, ive known that for a while, but because I pretty much ruined his rep…Im sorry.
What I hate is that defining myself as ugly all through my youth when one is meant to explore one’s sexuality and such, and I didn’t, is that I carry on defining yourself as such as an adult. You lose the ability to look at yourself with neutral eyes. Whether or not you change, you are always ugly, and as such you never have the confidence to do things you might otherwise have done if you’d ever felt you were attractive and worthwhile. It doesn’t even matter what I look like, any more. I will always be Ugly because that’s all I’ve ever been used to thinking of myself as.