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[Question] If my husband has given up on making sex enjoyable for me is it reasonable for me to stop having sex? (self.sex)

Lovelysaint が 投稿

He thinks that an orgasm for me is too much work, pressure, and most likely impossible. I really don't want to have sex with him after hearing that. I'm tired of light foreplay that is never exciting or long lived. I used to have a super high sex drive but knowing that he has decided that I can't orgasm was the finishing blow that killed it completely. I told him right away that I found that approach to sex so wrong that I won't initiate or give into any desire to have sex while that's the current thinking. He replied that it was the truth and that i will probably never orgasm with him. He thinks we should do our own thing separately for physical gratification and have sex just for the emotional gratitifcation. Easy for him to say because he gets both out of sex and I only get phyical from masturbation and emotional from sex.

I can't help but wonder if I'm making a huge mistake by withdrawing from a sexual relationship with him no matter how unsatisfying it is. I've always thought it was wrong and a good way to kill a relationship. I'm just fed up with him telling me I can't orgasm though and have zero sexual attraction to him because of it. I'm not so sure it's reasonable but right now it feels like not having sex is just a natural progression of what was bound to happen after years of not being conscious of my needs during sex. It's not a punishment or meant to control him and I'm simply not interested and refuse to have sex when my needs have fallen so low in his estimation.

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[–]such_a_sin 102ポイント103ポイント  (1子コメント)

Neither of you should use sex as a weapon. However, it is not unreasonable to have no desire for sex that you don't enjoy, and you shouldn't have sex that you don't enjoy just because you feel you should have sex with your partner.

I really would recommend seeing a relationship/sex therapist. If left to fester, things like this can rot a relationship from the inside out - and it sounds like something has gone wrong already based on what your husband has said to you. Engaged, interested, good partners don't just sack off their partner's enjoyment because "it's too much effort." You guys need to sort this out.

[–]MrDPP [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Solid advice, please seek a professional asap! Best of luck.

[–]iAmHidingHere 32ポイント33ポイント  (9子コメント)

Doesn't sound like a health relationship to me.

[–]Lovelysaint[S] 3ポイント4ポイント  (6子コメント)

Sure I can see how you get that impression, the sexlife is definitely in critical condition but everything else is doing great. If I were to choose to stay married, which I probably will, is it reasonable to not have sex with a spouse if they aren't making an effort for you?

[–]Himandheruk 46ポイント47ポイント  (1子コメント)

After such a comment and approach by your husband I (F) am surprised you say that everything else is going great. I cannot envision a healthy relationship including such a lazy and selfish attitude to your partner. If you withdraw sex you will support the divide that currently exists and possible create hostility but that said whats the point having sex with this scenario!

[–]Pleasure_Principal 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

I was about to say the same thing. How can a marital relationship be good, or even functional, if the conjugal aspect is dysfunctional?

How can there be any real mutual respect much less intimacy? How can children be raised with that?

I just don't see how a marriage's virtues can truly survive bed death. Maybe I'm missing something?

[–]Regina_Phalange- [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

How can everything else possibly be going well but he doesn't care about your pleasure and he wants to have sex with other people?

His needs don't come before yours and yours aren't less important. If he was doing his job right it wouldn't be almost impossible to make you cum. Most women need foreplay in a big way not 1 or 2 minutes of half ass fondling while they rush to the good stuff. Also, you need to let him know what you enjoy and how to please you but not in a pushy or bitchy way.

Maybe just take a break from all intimacy to see if it helps you both find your attraction to each other. If not and you don't need sex from him to he happy then try the sex less relationship thing. I just think most of the time that is a disaster and leaves one person very hurt.

[–]Mindtaker [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Everything else is great except for the lack of actual communication, the lack of effort either of you is putting in, the way you are both using sex against the other, the way you have not solved this problem because you can't work together and understand each others side or make a compromise together that at the very least brings some results and the appreciation that comes from your S.O making an effort.

Apart from all those basic levels of care and respect and sex, you guys have it made in the shade.

[–]notapantsday [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I was in a similar situation, even though we weren't married yet. We had an amazing relationship but our sex life was fucked up. She had a low sex drive and never responded to any kind of seduction. She had to make an active decision and then she basically told me something like "we can have sex tonight, if you want to". I felt undesired and didn't put any effort into foreplay and even though I always took the time to make her orgasm, I never did more than necessary to get her there.

We just agreed that our relationship overall was so great that we were willing to accept the shitty sex and who knows, maybe it will somehow work out in the future.

To make things short, she decided to cheat on me repeatedly and I broke up.

Not really sure if you can take anything from my story, but I still wanted to tell it. The essence is pretty much: Don't settle for bad sex, it will at some point ruin the relationship. Either make a real effort to overcome it or end the relationship.

[–]iAmHidingHere -3ポイント-2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I am unfortunately in no position to answer such a question.

Edit Why am I being downvoted for this? What I meant is, that I have no experience on the subject, so my advice wouldn't be worth anything to anyone.

[–]yafai001 [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

How about you provide some advice instead of a snarky comment?

[–]iAmHidingHere [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I provided an observation, not a snarky comment. And if you see my other response, I can't give any useful advice.

Also, you might want to consider following your own advice.

[–]Gizmo-Duck 24ポイント25ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm not defending your husband, but I have to say I know where he's coming from.

On average, it takes my wife over an hour to reach orgasm. It's exhausting. It's physically tiring. It's a mental downer. I feel like I'm not good at it. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. It's just an overall drain.

But I do it. I feel bad that I get off more than she does. We have sex on average three times a week and I get off every time. I make sure she gets off at least twice, but I just don't have the time or energy to do it every time.

If I had no other responsibilities, I'd gladly ensure she has multiple daily orgasms, but that's just not reality.

My wife knows this and she is fine with it. She doesn't expect to get off every time, but if I were to stop trying completely, that would be a huge ax in our relationship.

Don't write him off completely. You need to talk more. This talk you had might have just been on a bad day for him. Make sure he knows you're not ok with his solution. Make your wants clear. Set your expectations of him. "I want you to try at least X times this week for X amount of time." Don't make orgasm the goal. It'll be hard for him to separate that out, but somehow let him know that you feel satisfied even though you don't orgasm. (If that's true anyway).

Also, tell him what to do! We have no idea what we are doing down there.

[–]PM_ME_FOR_SUPPORT 29ポイント30ポイント  (3子コメント)

Why does he think it's so hard for you to orgasm? What does it take for you to orgasm?

[–]bluefootedboob [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I'm curious about this too. There might be a possibility he's tried and put forth a good effort to have her be satisfied and, after not getting results or getting criticized, has given up. Or he could just be selfish. Who knows.

[–]MyroIII [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

This is really the question that needs to be answered.

[–]ekimsknird [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I am unable to make my wife orgasm and both she and I recognize and accept that as no big deal. Our relationship is about more than sex which is only a brief part of any given day. She has her magic bullet and I hold her while she uses it to quickly orgasm multiple times. I would suggest finding a way you can make yourself orgasm and ask him to be involved as much as possible in that process. It's probable that he wants to be able to give you orgasms but if it takes an hour of cunnilingus with a only a 20% chance of success, I think superman might even hesitate after a while.

[–]rhinosoaring 17ポイント18ポイント  (5子コメント)

It sounds as if he's given up, which suggests relationship problems that go well beyond sex problems.

I've always thought a core idea of sex is mutual pleasure and, especially in a relationship, intimacy and emotional connection with one's partner.

Is it possible for you to orgasm with him? Have you tried vibrators, helping each other with masturbation or something else that might work for the two of you?

Does "our own thing separately" mean sex with others? If so, perhaps a threesome?

A non-confrontational talk in a non-sexual context in which each of discuss these issues and what each of you want and are prepared to do can help (unless you've already done so). Couples therapy or couples counseling might help.

Do you think withholding sex might cause him to wake up? Is the relationship worth saving?

You might browse the rather depressing /r/deadbedrooms

[–]Lovelysaint[S] 9ポイント10ポイント  (4子コメント)

Doing our own thing was his first way of saying masturbation, but no porn because it's against our religion (so is masturbation but he's convinced that it's not for married people which is/was fine by me.) I don't fully believe the religion and I'm actually okay with porn but only in a sexually thriving relationship.

We tried a hitachi once but it didn't work for me. I prefer direct contact instead of a vibrator, I think.

I get off by humping a pillow normally.

He isn't interested in listening to another sex therapist. We had a brief six sessions two years into our marriage but that was it. He's willing to go, but doesn't feel like he has picked up anything useful from marriage counseling or sex therapy so it seems pointless to spend money on it until he graduates and has a solid job.

I don't think withholding will wake him up. He seems content to masturbate instead.

[–]rhinosoaring 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

Would you find it acceptable to spend the rest of your life this way? There doesn't seem any reason to think things will get any better. Many go from "everything is wonderful other than sex" to "everything is not all that wonderful", especially if the sex issues result from one partner being selfish or not caring about their partner's pleasure or if the issues result in one partner being frustrated. It really depends on your wants and needs.

It is reasonable not to have sex with a spouse that's not making an effort.

[–]Regina_Phalange- [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Sounds like this religion represses sex and healthy urges making it shameful. Do you think that might be part of your problem? Are you able to fully let go and enjoy sex? Are you comfortable enough to express your desires? In order to fully enjoy sex you have to be open, comfortable and not shameful.

[–]sdflkjeroi342 [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

I get off by humping a pillow normally.

Since my girlfriend does it and I find it incredibly hot: Have you ever tried humping HIM this way to get off? It's unconventional, but my SO does it on my leg when she goes down on me, and it turns me on to no end. She can't come from it though, unfortunately - or at least we haven't continued so long... hmmm, that's something new to try out, maybe I'll report back later tonight.

Have you tried taking a more active role in general? If he can't make you come all by his lonesome, have you tried helping him along? Have you rubbed your clit while he's inside you? Ridden him the way it feels good to you and just using him as a dildo for once? Once you get the hang of making yourself orgasm more easily, it'll be much easier to explain it to him...

[–]LesWes [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Pillow humping is the hot trend of 2015!

[–]noviakaunt 38ポイント39ポイント  (1子コメント)

It's not unacceptable to not want to have sex with him after that comment. I also wouldn't want to fuck a person who doesn't care for my pleasure and think it's a lot of work, and that it isn't worth it.

Sex should be for mutual pleasure, not just his. You are not his fleshlight.

[–]glynch19 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

The olde triple negative. That first sentence gives me a headache. I need to go take a nap.

I do agree with your comment though

[–]negative-optimist 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

The short answer: No it is not unacceptable to stop having sex with any person (even your husband) if that person has flat out said he isn't interested in your pleasure. It is not a punishment of him, it is a question of YOUR desire and sexlife.

The longer answer: Seriously, how can he expect any sex after that comment? I don't care if it takes you two hours to finish, that comment is uacceptable. For some people it really takes a very long time, and the compromise in that situation could be that that person may not reach climax every time, but that doesn't mean sex can't be enjoyable. Foreplay, roleplay, clitoris stimulation etc etc so many things can be enjoyable without an orgasm.

I want to suggest a therapist - although you mention it didn't work. But there can be many reasons for this. The therapist was bad. Your husband didn't listen. You didn't get better at communicating with each other. Or something else.

My suggestion is to hold your ground. Say that sex is of the table until you can have a mature conversation about it. That way it isn't punishment, but very simply just your sexdrive that has disapeared in the presence of a man that currently does not turn you on.

[–]NYExplore 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wonder whether mutual masturbation might be something that would rekindle things? He could see what works for you and it would add a different dimension to your relationship.

Some, especially men, might think it a bit "radical, " but it's worth trying.

[–]rbkc1234 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

It sounds like you are both frustrated.

Can you cum from partnered sex play at all? What does it take? Why does he think it's too much work and pressure?

Having less sex seems like it would just make matters worse. If you really are close, with good communication like you say, tell him how you are feeling, tell him you want to cum for him. Yes if you are "complicated" (bad word I know, sorry) you likely do need to take more responsibility for getting there, that's a physical reality, but still you want it to be a shared experience, you want him to be turned on by your pleasure and orgasm, that is part of what makes someone a good lover.

Keep talking, keep fucking, hopefully you can work it out.

[–]Pleasure_Principal 17ポイント18ポイント  (12子コメント)

Honestly? Grounds for divorce. I've been married for 10 years and if my husband up and decided my pleasure didn't matter, I'd be getting banged on a dance floor within the hour with a lawyer on retainer and my ring in a pawn shop.

Seriously, how can you have a healthy marriage without conjugal respect?

[–]Pherrot [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Yes. Try therapy.

[–]PM_ME_UR_SELFIE_NSFW [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Does not seem like a lot of respect within the relationship. Why does he get to dictate what you can and can't get out of sex. Nothing is ever 100% and not many people orgasm every time. Can you find a way to get to a middle ground that allows you start to develop a closeness and intimacy that doesn't need to always lead to orgasm. Maybe building to that middle point may open his eyes to what is possible.

[–]blackbeltnerd [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but fuck this guy (not literally..) i would not stay married to a man who was not going to give me satisfaction. try marriage counseling i guess, but honestly he sounds totally selfish and you can find a lover who will want very badly to please you

[–]dfwbbwgallooking 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

My husband had that same attitude for many years. I also lost my desire for him. After 22 years of marriage I haven't gotten the desire back. But I couldn't stand not having sex anymore so I started to initiate. Now for some reason my husband has made it his mission to get me off as much as I want. Unfortunately I still have no desire for him but I am at least having decent sex now. I'm not sure this will help but know you're not alone. I think you are reasonable for not having sex with someone you're not attracted to anymore. I wish you the best of luck. PM me if you want more details or just someone to commiserate with.

[–]holyshitgametes [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

No, it's not reasonable because it's not a solution. Neither his perspective NOR yours is going to solve the problem. And what you want is to solve it, right?

He needs to refocus away from orgasm and back onto sharing intimacy and pleasure, aside from orgasm, as the goal of sex. He's too wrapped up in the idea of orgasm as the sole indicator of good sex. You need to reeducate him that it isn't.

And as for you, your focus needs to be on solving the problem, not on making the problem permanent or on being vindictive.

A few therapy sessions would be good because they could help you calmly voice what makes sex good for each of you, and then talk about how to give that to one another.

[–]CandyAppleRedZoom [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

have you ever had an orgasm with him? If your sex life has been so bad why would you marry him?

I have so many questions.

[–]SamfromRI [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Pick up a copy of Hot Monogamy by Patricia Love. What I love about it is that it's not a manual for tricking someone into having more sex in order to satisfy a partner—it's a workbook for finding the best sex life that both partners can enjoy, whether that means more sex or less sex or better sex.

[–]macimom [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Therapy

[–]throwaway_jvj001 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Doing our own thing was his first way of saying masturbation, but no porn because it's against our religion (so is masturbation but he's convinced that it's not for married people which is/was fine by me.) I don't fully believe the religion and I'm actually okay with porn but only in a sexually thriving relationship.

He isn't interested in listening to another sex therapist. We had a brief six sessions two years into our marriage but that was it. He's willing to go, but doesn't feel like he has picked up anything useful from marriage counseling or sex therapy so it seems pointless to spend money on it until he graduates and has a solid job.

I don't think withholding will wake him up. He seems content to masturbate instead.

Well OP, you tried. You wanted to meet him half way with a sex therapist, which is the only real solution, and it not only did it not work, but he doesn't see it helping in the future.

Your choices are either to live in sexual misery or divorce your husband. I don't know how intertwined your lives are, or how difficult a decision leaving would be, but this situation is a very real relationship ender, and no-one here would blame you for your decision.

[–]NightPhoenix35 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

He thinks that an orgasm for me is too much work, pressure, and most likely impossible. I really don't want to have sex with him after hearing that.

I'm going to stop you there to answer your question...yes. However, sex is an important part of your marriage, so I suggest you talk to him about it, and try to work it out so both of you can enjoy sex. Try bringing toys into the bedroom, if he's too lazy to please you, try having sex in the morning or afternoon when he has more energy. Sex is a two way street...if your husband is going to be that selfish, then fuck him (or don't).

[–]ezwip [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I think he's acting like a big baby but I don't have a solution.

[–]DuncanMonroe [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

CAN you orgasm? You did a lot of blaming, but never recognized anything that you might improve on yourself.

[–]reds302 -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

I give it 2 years before you realize you need to get divorced.

You guys are not compatible.

End of story.

[–]freethep [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Tell him to watch some videos online about how to get a girl off. It's not magic, there are methods that work every time.

[–]iam1self [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

With him yes. Completely? No.

[–]MrLaidALot [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

One of the issues people have with sex, especially on r/sex, is being too goal focused. "They came and I didn't". Sounds like the lamest sex ever if people are worried more about a few seconds of pleasure vs the whole experience.

Your orgasm shouldn't be your partners responsibility. And you should also ask yourself how easily your partner can get you off anyway. If it takes a lot of work, then it isn't fair to compare the fact that he cums from a mutually enjoyable activity to the fact that you can't because you need special attention.

My tips. One, learn to enjoy sex for more than just an orgasm and drop the feminazism that probably lead you to believe that you must cum everytime. Two, understand that orgasms are different. Orgasm from both people doing a mutually enjoyable activity doesn't equal him putting in special work on you or you putting in special work ob him. Three, stop taking it all so seriously and enjoy yourself. This is how you have great sex.