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My [26F] boyfriend [26M] has been ignoring me to "teach me a lesson"Relationships (self.relationships)

learnedalesson が 投稿

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We fell in love in college and it was the most amazing experience. After college, we moved to a big city and got jobs and continued to date.

The past two years, I have supported him through his job and creating a startup on the side. I drove him everywhere, grocery shopped, and excused his absences from family and friends gatherings because I believed in his talent and his startup idea. I was willing to make sacrifices so he could persue his dreams. Most of the time he said thank you, but I was growing increasingly lonely as I wanted our relationship to progress.

The past 3 months, I have been miserable. I left my awful job and got a new one. I suggested we go out to celebrate, and he told me my new job "wasn't worth celebrating" because it wasn't my dream job. Ouch. Two weeks later, I chatted him about how I was nervous for my upcoming marathon (I had been training for months) and he said, "Yeah I'm sad I'm missing it." Turns out he had a soccer game at the same time, and he justified it by saying, "If I miss the race I'm only letting one person down, if I miss a soccer game I'm letting my whole team down." I cried and begged for him to come but he refused.

We were supposed to move in together and he asked for another year with his friends. We are young, I get that. So I got my own apartment alone. Rent is high in my city, so I needed to move further South to get something I could afford. When he found out my place was 2 miles away (by bus) he freaked out and said he he was never coming to visit because it wasn't convenient.

The final straw was my birthday. For his birthday this year, he was on a ski trip (that I was not invited to) and I mailed him a care package of socks, hand warmers, chapstik, and other ski supplies. I also happened to be traveling on my birthday, so I was excited to see what he would do for me. So my birthday came...and went. No calls, no texts, nothing.

I was heartbroken. When I got home, I met up with him and spilled my guts about how I felt. Alone, uncared for, basically just a servant to him. He had a perfectly logical explanation. He said he had been purposefully ignoring me to "teach me a lesson." He said that he had been avoiding me because I needed to learn that work was his #1 priority. So I said that I couldn't do this anymore, and it's over.

Now he's begging for me back. Emails, texts, phone calls, even mailing me pictures of us together. SO my question is: how much heartache is forgivable? I feel obligated to take him back due to how long we have been together and my age, and I do really love him...but he purposefully caused me pain for months. He says he "deserves another chance." Does he?

tl;dr: I dumped my boyfriend for purposefully ignoring me and he says he deserves another chance.

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[–]stumblepretty 112ポイント113ポイント  (0子コメント)

He is incapable of compromise, doesn't understand that relationships are a balance between two people and not catering to one person, and he doesn't communicate in a healthy way.

Honestly, it sounds like he isn't in a place where he can be a healthy partner to you.

[–]blueclawcrab 90ポイント91ポイント  (4子コメント)

I'm not really seeing why you feel obligated due to your age? That doesn't make any sense. He was 'teaching you a lesson' instead of communicating with you? Does he think you are a dog?

I wouldn't under any circumstances give him another chance. I'm not seeing where he deserves one. What exactly has he done to deserve another chance beyond simply existing in your relationship for four years?

[–]learnedalesson[S] 42ポイント43ポイント  (3子コメント)

Honestly I'm just shocked. I have a good job! I pay bills on time! I keep a pet and several plants alive! I don't need to be taught anything.

[–]blueclawcrab 35ポイント36ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah... you really can do better. Just let him know it's a no, and a go NC.

[–]y0uMadBrah 18ポイント19ポイント  (0子コメント)

I can't keep plants alive. My last ditch effort was a bamboo plant. It didn't work out. My kids are healthy and thriving though.

[–]mwilke 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your next boyfriend is going to be shocked that a righteous babe like you ever even considered going back to that knuckle-dragging troglodyte.

[–]Montaron87 72ポイント73ポイント  (1子コメント)

You owe him absolutely nothing. And he definitely doesn't deserve a second chance.

Good riddance if you ask me.

[–]xVicereine 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

It wasn't 'can I please have another chance', it was 'I deserve another chance'. He's so arrogant.

[–]dcolt 53ポイント54ポイント  (1子コメント)

I was heartbroken. When I got home, I met up with him and spilled my guts about how I felt. Alone, uncared for, basically just a servant to him. He had a perfectly logical explanation. He said he had been purposefully ignoring me to "teach me a lesson."

The lesson being that you are not to even dream of aspiring to be anything more than a servant to him.

Put that way, I'd say my advice suggests itself.

[–]Ashur-bani-apla 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah that sounds like one of the easiest ultimatums that someone could give in a relationship. He literally just said "It's my way or the highway" and if I were given that kind of ultimatum in a relationship I'd be going 90 the whole way down that highway.

[–]goatismycopilot 21ポイント22ポイント  (0子コメント)

Don't take him back, he had a clear pattern of selfishness.

[–]buttonspro 32ポイント33ポイント  (0子コメント)

He sounds like a complete narcissist. There is nothing in this post that suggests your ex is in any way shape or form capable of ever having a remotely healthy relationship, block him. He does not deserve any more of your time, he made it pretty clear he doesn't think you deserve his.

Also this " I feel obligated to take him back due to how long we have been together and my age, and I do really love him" is called sunk cost fallacy. There is no logic behind allowing yourself to be treated like crap for the rest of your life just because you dated an asshole for a few years. There's plenty of awesome people in this world, don't anchor yourself to a waste of space like this guy.

[–]supersonic-turtle 15ポイント16ポイント  (1子コメント)

Well no, he doesn't deserve what isn't earned. I'm sure yall have had some good times but really if he's getting petty now it could only escalate. You are 26, that's a good age to be nowadays, I'm around that and we have lots of options, though some intimidating, we are lucky to have the mass communication we do to make new relationships. Anyway, long story short you think of him enough to get him warm clothing in a cold environment, he couldn't be bothered with the same courtesy and instead opted for excuse. Sorry op, you sound really nice but from what I have read this guy is kind of a butt head.

[–]cielos525 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

"teach a lesson" really? You did the right thing by teaching him a lesson that you deserve better. This guy is selfish as hell.

[–]y0uMadBrah 13ポイント14ポイント  (0子コメント)

I was about to say

DTMFA

Until I got to the bottom and read you already had. You got away. Now stay away. You have no reason to believe he's going to behave differently. He doesn't deserve it anyway. He drained you dry until you couldn't take it anymore.

There are two things that are necessary for long term, loving relationships to exist: generosity and kindness. Your ex is neither generous nor kind. However, you sound like an awesome catch. You totally have the make up to have a loving, happy, and healthy relationship as long as you pick the right partner, it's not with your ex.

Good luck!

[–]azertii 13ポイント14ポイント  (0子コメント)

If work is his #1 priority, then being single shouldn't bother him too much.

[–]RememberKoomValley 12ポイント13ポイント  (0子コメント)

Breaking up with him was absolutely the correct thing to do, and you owe him nothing. He patently does not deserve another chance from you. Block him everywhere--make it difficult for him to get in touch with you--and move on.

[–]Rouladen 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

I said that I couldn't do this anymore, and it's over.

This was 100% the right call. Stick to your decision.

[–]ch1ck4do0dl3 19ポイント20ポイント  (0子コメント)

All I'm hearing is that he's centered on himself and what he wants. That's okay if he has a partner who can deal with that, but you clearly can't, and that's just fine.

Also, how is that soccer game that he went to instead of your race work-related? How is he too busy with work to even acknowledge your birthday one bit? (I can guarantee you, if he's got time for soccer, he has time to give you a quick call on your birthday or have a service send flowers.)

I get that start-up life is very draining, but parts of your post make it sound like he's not as drained as he wants you to think, and he wants someone who he knows will be good to him and give without asking for anything in return. That person isn't you. Only you can decide whether or not he deserves a chance with you, but don't let him tell you what to do. (For the record, I'd laugh in his face were I in your shoes.)

[–]attemptnumber12 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

I feel obligated to take him back due to how long we have been together and my age

NO

He says he "deserves another chance." Does he?

NO

This guy's a selfish prick who only realized your value after he has lost you. Trust me, if you get back to him he'll be nice for a while and then will continue being insensitive and emotionally manipulative. What kind of a long-term bf don't even acknowledge their SO's birthday for cryin' out loud? He is simply unqualified to be your boyfriend. You've made the right choice dropping him; stick to your decision! You'll meet someone who'll treat you properly.

[–]Friscogonewild 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wouldn't give him another chance, and you deserve better than being a #2 priority behind work. He's better off single, and there are plenty of fish in the sea out there for you. Dating in your late 20s is great--people generally have their shit together by then, but aren't yet feeling the ticking of the old biological clock.

[–]skyscraperscraping 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

Good for you. Nope, he does not deserve another a chance.

[–]DatNopers 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

You should "purposely ignore" his emails, texts, phone calls, etc to "teach him a lesson".

That lesson being that work is his number one priority, and you need someone who cares for you as much as you care for them.

[–]bunnygirlbeans 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

Girl, DTMFA.

[–]Digiopian 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

No, he doesn't deserve another chance. He's an selfish asshole who treats you like shit. All he cares about is what you can do for him. Anything that inconveniences him or requires effort on his part is more than he's willing to do. So good riddance to this piece of garbage. Block his number/email, unfriend him, stop taking his calls. You're still plenty young, and as a successful professional, I doubt you'll have a very hard time finding someone who actually loves you and treats you with respect.

[–]LilkaLyubov 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Think about how you felt before you ended it. Been there. If you take him back because he shows you pretend grief and promises to change, it'll last maybe a month. He'll go back to taking you for granted. People like this feel like the world revolves around them, and he's told you already what his priorities are. You're not one of them. You're his safety blanket.

Notice YOU make all the excuses, all the sacrifices. He can't go to a thing you worked your ass off for because a soccer game with his buddies is more important to him? He won't take the leap and move in with you because bachelor life is more important? He can't make a little time to see you because it's "too far"? People DRIVE to see their LDRs all the time but he can't be pissed to take a two mile bus ride? Please.

You don't live with him. You're not married. No kids. When you move in with someone, you see more of the real them and less of the ideal. His track record is atrocious already. What is stopping him from using you as a servant-doormat once you move in? You've set the precedent for that.

It feels bad now. Reconciliation is tempting. But as someone who has been there, do not cave if you want improvement here. People like your ex will do what they can to get you back because when you dumped him, you bruised his pride. You didn't go along with the program. You need to stay the course. It won't always feel like this.

[–]mindbodystrength 3ポイント4ポイント  (2子コメント)

I mailed him a care package of socks, hand warmers, chapstik, and other ski supplies

Man, that's sweet.

You're a good person OP. Your ex is a shit head.

You have too much kindness in your heart to waste it on someone like him. I doubt it will take you very long to find another boyfriend.

[–]Bloody_Godzilla 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

That gesture was so sweet. I was so frustrated to read how he responded.

Ugh, what an asshole.

[–]amylawless11 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Same. That was the kicker for me. That guy sucks.

[–]rotten42 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Don't you dare take this asshole back. You deserve better than that.

[–]Dyalad 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

If work is his number 1 priority, that won't change if you take him back.

[–]JarethsPet 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Everything is important to him BUT you. Think about that.

[–]awildwoodsmanappears 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

The only lesson to be learned here is the one you're teaching him now: don't be an asshole if you expect to stay in a relationship. Good for you for dumping him, and stay no contact. Ignoring your birthday to teach you a lesson? Holy crap that's mean. NO he does not deserve another chance. Good luck.

[–]CalvinR 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

What's the issue with your age? Are you worried it's harder to find someone? With online dating these days you can be going on dates/hookups/hangouts/whatever every night of the week if you wanted to.

[–]sankofaa 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

And you're with him because...?

He doesn't love and he doesn't even like you. When you like your friends, you give them a text, call or even write on their fb walls for their birthday.

Go no contact and tell him you're teaching HIM a lesson and that's to not be a douchebag.

[–]SilverBunny 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

don't take him back...you WILL regret it.

Also, a lot of people tend to fall into the sunk cost fallacy...it doesn't matter how long you guys been together (even if it was great before). The important thing is how good you guys WILL BE in the future.

Are you willing to risk your next 50 years of your future just b/c you spent 4 years with this guy? I mean he flat out told you that you are NOT important to him and other thing has higher priority than you...why would you want to be with someone like that?

[–]quackityquack71 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

No.

[–]The_RumHam 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Reading this subreddit every day gives me hope that I, too, could find a lovely sweet woman who goes the extra mile for me every day for years, if only I could be an uncaring unrepentant selfish asshole.

But women like you, posts like this, they give me hope. /s

[–]HeavenlyBlessdBeauty 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I feel obligated to take him back due to how long we have been together and my age[...] He says he "deserves another chance." Does he?

26 isn't exactly old, so I don't know why you're using that as some kind of valid excuse to get back together. You are never obligated to take someone back. I don't care how much they beg, they're the ones that fucked this up. He "deserves" nothing other than the shit bed he made for himself, the selfish ass.

[–]tide19 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

He says he "deserves another chance." Does he?

No.

[–]arkaytee 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Teach you a lesson? I guess it worked--you learned to stand up for yourself and walk out the door when you realized you'd had more than enough. Good for you. Do not take him back under and circumstances. His lesson should be that treating people like crap results in crappy outcomes--like losing his wonderful girlfriend. You'll be a treasure to someone who is truly deserving of your love and effort.

[–]Usernamechosennow 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I chatted him about how I was nervous for my upcoming marathon (I had been training for months) and he said, "Yeah I'm sad I'm missing it." Turns out he had a soccer game at the same time

Marathons are 26 miles and usually take, like, hours to finish, right? A soccer game is ~90 minutes? What was he doing for the rest of the time?

When he found out my place was 2 miles away (by bus) he freaked out and said he he was never coming to visit because it wasn't convenient.

Hahahaha, seriously? Wasn't convenient for him... clearly doesn't give even a quarter of a shit about what's convenient for you.

He had a perfectly logical explanation. He said he had been purposefully ignoring me to "teach me a lesson."

Yeah, that's not a perfectly logical explanation. Ignoring/silent treatment in a relationship to condition some type of behaviour or to punish past behaviour is abuse, FYI.

I feel obligated to take him back due to how long we have been together and my age

What the fuck? Did you mis-type your age as 26 instead of 56? Why the fuck would you take back this selfish, inconsiderate, abusive asshole because you're 26? The dude told you, point blank, that you are less important to him than his work. When someone tells you they don't think you're important, then you fucking believe them.

[–]trlloyd 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

You can take him back if you enjoy being disrespected. He's proven he doesn't care about your relationship. So why bother taking him back.

[–]DisregardAlliSay 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your boyfriend is a horrible person. BLOCK HIM ON ALL COMMUNICATIONS.

[–]sarah-goldfarb 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

You feel obligated to get back together with him because of your age?! You're only 26!!!

The years you spent with him were not wasted, you learned valuable lessons about love and relationships. Now it's time to find someone you actually want to spend your life with. Someone who values you and adores you and wants to spend time with you and doesn't fucking give you the silent treatment on your birthday.

Cut all contact with him. I promise you'll never regret it.

[–]Bloody_Godzilla 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm only going to repeat what everyone else has already written here, but you did the right thing by leaving him. He's selfish and manipulative. He doesn't care about your feelings. You know healthy relationships don't work like yours. I am pretty sure that if one of your friends told you the same story you told us, you would tell your friend to leave her boyfriend and never look back.

One day, you'll find a man who will care for you, but your ex is not this man. He taught you the lesson that he is not worth it.

[–]missmisfit 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

You're his toy, he broke you by playing far too rough, and now he's throwing his tantrum. Are you going to fix his toy and give it back or are you going to teach him a lesson about being a shitty boyfriend and an all around cunt face?

[–]badlcuk 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

DONT. This is unacceptable. If he wanted to tone down the commitment level in the relationship and focus on work, he should have talked to you like an adult. Instead he chose to essentially widdle away your self esteem and actively harm you. Think about that. He chose to ignore you-he wasn't busy, he didn't have a crisis, he chose to do it.

[–]EffingSpiders 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

FUCK that noise. Ignoring you to teach you a lesson? He sounds like hes 16, not 26. His logic doesn't even make sense. "I'm ignoring you because you aren't my priority, and you need to learn that." How is that something that you say in any way, shape, or or form to someone you are serious about?

He's not committing to you, he doesn't want to live with you and he doesn't want to travel to see you. He only regrets it now that you dumped him, but once you're back together it will just start again after a few weeks, what would stop it? He didn't care before, he's not going to magically care now.

Drop him and find someone who thinks you're worth their time.

[–]orthodexy 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Probably just another voice in the storm here, but no, no he is not.

[–]lila_liechtenstein 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Bud he did manage to teach you a very important lesson: That he is a selfish, inconsiderate dick who has no idea how relationships work. Time to move on :)

[–]ERIKSHOUSE 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Wow. All the support in this relationship is going one way. Don't let someone take advantage of you!

[–]Myuym 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

He said he had been purposefully ignoring me to "teach me a lesson." He said that he had been avoiding me because I needed to learn that work was his #1 priority.

Some priorities that also seem to be higher than you, soccer, friends, convenience, and to be honest probably everything else.

It might sound harsh, but I don't think that you are even mentioned in his priorities, I think that the only reason he tries to get you back is because convenient sex is one of his priorities, not you.