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So, apparently, I'm the abuser. (self.marriedredpill)

progress_for_the_win が 投稿

Here are the sequence of text messages since my wife refuses to speak to me face to face. I called her and let her know that if she wants to pursue counseling and reconciliation I'm willing. Because, if shit his the fan there is evidence that I attempted.

Her:

So, fixing your marriage was last on your list. You are a joke. You verbally abuse your wife, ignore her for days, act happy about what you did whistling, laughing exaggerating, somehow finding all this time to be with everyone else but yet no time to fix your marriage issue you created and do nothing about your actions for days and that's what I get. You are a joke. There's no fixing this. You made your bed. I don't want anything to do with you. If it takes this long for you to even "see" there's conflict in your marriage, you have issues and I don't care to be apart of them. You can fix them on your own.

Me:

To clarify: you are the one who locked yourself away from me, choosing not to interact. You're an adult, if you see conflict then be responsible and engage. Don't wait for someone else to initiate. It's your marriage too. This will be my last text message. If you want to talk face to face I'm willing but will not engage you over text or voicemail. If you are not willing to engage and take steps to resolve these issues then we will have to decide where to go from there.

Her:

This will be my last message: I will not peruse my abuser. The abuser is the one who comes and apologies. Seeks the resolving. I didn't do anything wrong. My husband verbally abused me and left me wounded for days without a care in the world. I will not come face to face to an abuser. When the abuser is ready to face his actions and seek forgiveness I will face him otherwise I will lock the door so I know when he is coming so I can protect myself as advised. I will seek to go do other activities as advised and spend my days away from the abuser, as advised and as my abuser did so to me in a form to torture me. It is not my job to seek out the abuser and do his job to fix his problem, as advised. For he is an adult acting as a child caring on his abuse in the form or ignoring his abuse. I am just a woman caring the pain of her abuser, waiting for her abuser to start acting like an adult. Doing nothing wrong...I checked...I'm am in the right, with my feelings and actions. I will wait and carry on as long as it takes and will never peruse my abuser. He is one lucky abuser.

Kind of answers those questions.

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[–]TrainingTheBrainMarried- MRP APPROVED 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

Dude, wtf do you want us to do?

[–]taon4r5 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

Looks like your lawyers will be doing some business over the coming months. Does she talk like she writes? My sympathies go out to both of you.

[–]kogsworth 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

and you want to save this relationship because... ?

[–]whinemorepleaseMARRIED- MRP MODERATOR 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's a lot of hamster. It's probably a good thing you have your version of how things happened documented as well as your attempts to try to figure out what the fuck to do. I'm guessing you've spoken to a lawyer already?

[–]CountpudyoolaMarried- MRP APPROVED 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

I tell my kid a lot: Just because you keep saying that, doesn't make it true.

Just because she keeps using the word abuse and abuser...doesn't make it true. It's like saying you driving to the store away from her is abuse because she wanted to ride in the car. She sees this type of thing as completely malleable to fit her frame. Her frame that is totally built and sturdy and appears unassailable to your attempts to fix your relationship.

She's changed the definition of abuse to fit what you do so that she can label herself as the victim and you as the abuser. Document. Show lawyer. Get the fuck away from this shrew.

MRP not only fixes what can be fixed and brings the woman back on board but may flush out those that aren't worth being with.

She's making it clear it's her way and her twisted view of reality or the highway. Total deference. That's more important to her than you. So do you want a marriage and not to be a servant to an insane ruler's whims right? GET OUT.

IMO at best she could be downgraded to a plate , but never marriage material again.

[–]RPAlternate42Unplugging 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

IN a dating scenario... I'd next her. no plate for her.. plates get some form of the prize... she gets nothing. She sounds like a shrillshrew.

[–]CountpudyoolaMarried- MRP APPROVED 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

In my mind I was probably seeing it as a punative. You're a bitch wife, ok, but you'll never do more than service my cock when I have no one better that night. The reality is.. nexting. I imagine with such a person with a victim mentality would never work well in a soft harem.

[–]RPAlternate42Unplugging 2ポイント3ポイント  (4子コメント)

OMG. Get out of this relationship. Stop talking to her.

She really loves that word, "abuse."

Take steps to leave. If you keep posting this stuff with no forward movement... I'm betting /u/whinemoreplease is going to tag you as a BP and prevent posting for wasting our time.

[–]NiftyDolphin 1ポイント2ポイント  (3子コメント)

She really loves that word, "abuse."

She's been "advised." I'm guessing she's getting advice from an unscrupulous lawyer or a divorcee who had an unscrupulous lawyer.

Set up a narrative, socialize it for an appropriate length of time so that the character witnesses will be able to claim the abuse went on for a length of time, then break out the RO, use it to get him arrested, and then use that leverage to take the OP to the cleaners.

[–]RPAlternate42Unplugging 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

So I like I said... stop talking to her, leaver her, physically, be with friends and set alibis. Never associate with her unless he has hi ow witnesses.

[–]NiftyDolphin 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

VAR in the pocket at all times would be a good thing too. It'll exonerate the OP if his wife claims abuse, it'll also help the OP be mindful of how he interacts with his wife.

[–]RPAlternate42Unplugging 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Careful on what state.

dual-consent states won't allow it and he can be criminally charged as well.

[–]tdreampo 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Run don't walk!

[–]NiftyDolphin 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

She join a cult or something? Her wording is rather twisted.

I also like where she's relegated you to a non-human 'abuser' object. That's cute.

"As advised." Someone else is pulling her strings. Time to eject.

[–]coffee_and_lumber 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yep this stinks of her repeating some crap someone put in her head.

I had a breakup like this long ago with a total drunken shitbag of a girlfriend. She shows up at my apartment with a rant locked and loaded with vocabulary I know she didn't have. She was all dressed nicely and really really self-righteous sounding. Everything came out basically in one big sentence. She was obviously built up from consulting with a hive of her girlfriends she had just moved in with.

I had cause to meet these other chicks a couple weeks later, and they almost immediately said, "you don't seem at all like she described you". They were sympathetic to me because they suddenly realized what a pain in the ass she'd been to me. The look on their faces told me that they'd been witness to more than one of her blackout drunken episodes.

I've pretty much never seen a woman tell her friends the real objective truth of a situation.

[–]Tqbfjotlds 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

She join a cult or something? Her wording is rather twisted

She must have spoken to a women's helpline. This is their standard dialogue. Men must be "abusers" so that whatever they do to them is ok.

[–]druganswerUnplugging 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

You're focusing too much on "fix this" and you should be focusing on "Clearly you are unhappy in this relationship and I don’t think that we should continue hurting each other. I admit it's going to hurt me but I'll come out just fine in the end, and I hope you do too." Also, you need to learn to mean this. You WILL be fine in the end and you just don't know it yet... say it calmly but with meaning.

Don't talk about counseling and her talking to you face to face... she's using her power because she HAS the power. Your response (while calculated) was NOT RP... Think of this like THE BIGGEST SHIT TEST OF YOUR LIFE... and with her stupid fucking text you engaged... that was the last thing you needed to do... the second you started going "To clarify this ... ETC" you fucking failed. The rest actually wasn't as bad but I face palmed on that opening line -that's a fucking chick line. Anyway props to saying you're not playing this game over text. You should wait for her to talk to you for a couple of days and if she doesn't I would send the text above about this obviously not working and it pains you to say it but you think you two would be better off without hurting each other anymore... from there you will know her true intents... it's your last chance to flip the script and regain any power, she'll either come to her senses if you have any hope at all of recovering this marriage or if she doesn't at least you'll know right away AND you'll get to walk with your pride...

Right here I would be telling myself: "She hasn't respected me this whole XXX years of marriage but I'll be damned if she doesn't respect me now." Because leaving is your only hope of getting ANY respect and I’d take being single again and knowing I was a fucking man on my last stand than groveling at her feet and STILL getting thrown to the curb. I actually might just break your “I’m not sending another text” code and send the one above that is basically ending the relationship… it’s really your only hope and it accomplishes the best possible outcome no matter which outcome comes of it (it’s a win win.. unless you like this shitty arrangement you have now?)

And in the future I wouldn’t make “I’m not responding to another text” I would say “I’m not having this conversation over text…” or “I’m not having any sort of argument over text”… don’t limit yourself just to try and control the conversation, and btw she thinks she owns you so she doesn’t give a shit about your “not another text” anyway

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

You verbally abuse your wife,

What does this mean? I am not aware of anything in the MRP advice that is "verbally abusive."

ignore her for days

If you can verbally abuse someone AND ignore her I would say that is quite trick.

act happy about what you did whistling, laughing exaggerating

Let me guess you are trying to agree and amplify and she is pissed. The normal answer is to hold frame.

somehow finding all this time to be with everyone else but yet no time to fix your marriage issue you created

Now you are following the advice to leave the house and not engage her and she is saying this.

If it takes this long for you to even "see" there's conflict in your marriage, you have issues

No idea what this means?

Don't wait for someone else to initiate. It's your marriage too.

This is your biggest mistake. You are wrong. It is YOUR ship and YOU are the captain.

I checked...I'm am in the right, with my feelings and actions.

HAHHAAHAHA! Of course you did dear.

This is a woman throwing comfort tests to the moon and back and a husband missing them completely, treating them like simple Shit Tests, and in the process blowing his marriage to hell and back.

I also think this may not be the "end." This is could just be The Main Event.

So this is what I would do and all of you feel free to skewer me as the Blue Pill guy. I would go to her. I would consider offering a non-apology apology- depending on what the hell she is talking about. You left out something, obviously. You have not been the leader. You have fucked up plenty of times so I think that assuming responsibility- even if you share none of it from a moral perspective- is what any Captain should do before scuttling the ship. Go to her, take her in your arms. Tell her something like: "Mistakes were made....I am doing my best and getting better...whatever."

Hold her until she stops crying.

Then reset the relationship by establishing the boundaries in very general terms. I am the man and the leader of this relationship. You are my wife. I am your protector. If you feel bad then I will try to be there to comfort you but in order to do that I need you to try to be nice. Can you be nice?

This may work, or it may not. If it does, your welcome and I look forward to the field report. If it doesn't then you know what to do. Either way, you MUST remain calm and collected. You can show some emotion only if she starts crying and only a little bit. You cannot get mad or sad when she pushes you away. Outcome Independence is not just a good idea, it is critical in this situation. You need to show her that you care, but also that ultimately you don't need her to make yourself happy.

[–]angels_fanUnplugging 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

While good advice, this woman is a ticking time bomb. She has completely bastardized the meaning of the word abuse. Fuck, it sounds like anyone raising their voice has crossed the line into abusing her. Not paying her 100% attention? Abuse. Being happy while she's miserable? Abuse.

She has some serious mental issues and I would distance myself from her as fast as possible. There is nothing to salvage here.

[–]rurpe 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

You seemed really confused in the other thread when people mentioned "losing your freedom".

Your life is in danger.

In addition to actually going to jail, a domestic violence arrest charge can follow you for years. For example, many employers are using background checks on prospective employees looking for ANY reason to deny. You should be recording every interaction possible with her to help your case. Check your local laws to determine the legality of single party consent recording.

[–]ford_contourMarried- MRP MODERATOR [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Well said.

If OP isn't exaggerating, and is innocent of the accusations, this is the most important advice in this thread.

[–]Kings2387 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I have nothing to add except good luck to you. You can do better than shes giving you.

[–]StuffaYouFace 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Wow. This message could have come from my STBX. I am not sure where they think they are being "abused"? You don't call interpersonal conflict"abuse". I have never once raised a hand, yelled or called my wife a name but to this day she says the same things that your wife does. They truly rewrite history to create a false narrative to justify them leaving the marriage. There are husbands that actual abuse their wives. Our wives don't seem to have a clue.

[–]coffee_and_lumber 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just for context, what is she referring to as "verbal abuse?"

[–]Tqbfjotlds 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

She is baiting you. Probably already spoken with a lawyer and knows how much she will get in a divorce. Now she is just trying to push you into doing something impulsive.

[–]Thorla [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Regarding suggestions to record conversations, a quick search brought me to these links (be aware I did not read these carefully, I sorta skimmed them):

The first is a pdf file, titled "Reporter's Recording Guide", published in 2012 by a non-profit journalist organization: http://www.rcfp.org/rcfp/orders/docs/RECORDING.pdf

The second is from a place called Digital Media Law Project. It contains links to more information, within the article itself: http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations

I don't know if this might help anyone, but it might be a starting point for anyone who needs to clarify what the recording laws are about and how they work.

[–]ford_contourMarried- MRP MODERATOR [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

If she's making accusations of abuse, you don't have a relationship. You probably need distance and non-intraction for both of your safety.

You both should consider counseling, totally separate from eachother.

In any case, I do not believe this forum is the place to find your answers.

If she feels threatened by you, I think you're both past the point where you can build any kind of relationship, and best off simply giving each other space.