Local School Bans Homemade Lunches

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Local School Bans Homemade Lunches

Students will no longer be allowed to bring their own lunches, as that gives them an "unfair advantage" over students who don't.

Tim Russet Potato
Daily Bungle

School may be out for the summer, but once school doors re-open this fall, students will have to leave their brown paper bags and lunch boxes at home and learn to stomach cafeteria food.

The school board recently approved a controversial measure to ban homemade school lunches, setting cafeteria lunches as the default for all public school students.

This countywide moratorium on homemade lunches will prevent students from bringing their own from home, and instead require them to rely on their school cafeteria for their meals.

The decision to implement this measure was inspired by a new study from Ivory Towers University in England, which claims that students who have their lunches packed by their parents have an “unfair advantage” over those who don’t.

According to the professor who conducted the study, Yorick Khaee, children who eat school lunches prepared by their parents tend to have overall better grades and health, and as such, “unfairly disadvantage” children who have their meals served from the school cafeteria.

“I don’t think parents packing their children lunches should constantly have in their minds the way that they are unfairly disadvantaging other people’s children, but I think they should have that thought occasionally,” Khaee said.

Kahee’s findings on school lunches reflect that of a fellow colleague of his, Adam Swift, at the University of Warwick, who recently expressed similar sentiments about children whose parents read bedtime stories to them, claiming that those children receive an “unfair disadvantage” over others.

“Evidence shows that the difference between those who get bedtime stories and those who don’t – the difference in their life chances – is bigger than the difference between those who get elite private schooling and those that don’t,” Swift said.

Superintendent Tolkien Head, upon reading Khaee's study on school lunches, determined to have its findings translated into school policy in an effort to improve his school district’s grades.

Over the past five years, overall grades throughout the county have seen a steady decline. As such, any measure, regardless of how controversial, that would help curtail this decline should be implemented as soon as possible, Head said.

“When you think about it, it all makes sense: when children are well-fed, they tend to be healthier, and healthier children tend to have better grades,” Head said. “So it only makes sense that, in order for all children to have better grades, they all have to receive the same lunch, and you can’t have that when some children receive better lunches than others.”

The controversial measure has sparked outrage among both parents and students, who have argued that the quality of cafeteria food within the school district has declined through a combination of budget cuts and Michelle Obama’s lunch reforms.

For many students across the county, it’s quite common for their school lunches to consist of still-frozen peas, apple sauce made from spoiled apples, and “mystery meat casserole” made from ingredients that have yet to be classified by science.

One elementary school cafeteria became popular among its students for serving a variety of 15 different vegetables and freshly-baked bread for their daily lunches, but the school was ordered by the municipality to cut back on its quality, as it was deemed “unfair” to schools with lesser quality.

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Side note: the very last example of the school ordered to stop making better lunches actually happened in Sweden. Seems like most leftists these day are for banning anything that may give children an "unfair" advantage", whether it's better school lunches, private schools, or even bedtime stories. Seems like their version of "equality" isn't about giving others equal opportunity to better themselves, but rather handicaping those who are already better off. Winston Churchill said it best when he called socialism "the equal sharing of misery."