Question: How do men solve their problems?

usernumber36 · 7 時間前

in short, we solve them.

We take an action that causes the problematic thing to no longer be problematic. Talking does not assist in this, because the problem is typically not in our heads. It is actually in existence as something external to ourselves, that is a problem. We go fix it.

For example. problem being bullied? solve the problem by somehow getting the bullying to cease. Talking about how bad it feels to be bullied does not get the bullying to cease, so it isn't a solution.

A problem that can be entirely fixed by talking about it, to me, was never a real problem. it was an imagined one.

EDIT: just because it's imagined doesn't mean it should be treated any less seriously. I'll also say it shouldn't be deemed the fault of the sufferer in any way, because often it isn't.

Eloni · 7 時間前

Uh... by solving them?

Your rent is due. What do you do?

A) Talk about it.

or

B) Pay it.

One solution solves the problem, the other isn't a solution at all and makes you annoying to hang around.

Lolawolf · 6 時間前

I think pseudo-science detailing gender differences is rampant, but this is true: judging by cortisol release, men and women respond to stressful situations differently. Women are more likely to seek social support, while men are more likely to take action.

haikujack · 8 時間前

The natural approach for a man is to find a practical solution and act on it. Physical work/activity is good for building practical skills.

prevori · 7 時間前

Talk is fine if it's discussing options to fix the problem rather than wallowing in the emotion of having the problem itself. I don't want to have to sit and discuss how someone feels about having a problem when that time could be more productively spent on just fixing it. Fuck feelings, fix the goddamn problem.

herewegoaga1n · 7 時間前

Paper, Rock, Scissors.
Tools.
Shouting.
Going for a drive.
Getting drunk.
Punching one another.
Critical thinking.
Ignoring it.
Kicking it.
Finding the quickest way from Point A to Point B, then doing it.

spookytj · 8 時間前

Check out art of manliness . It's incredibly interesting and informative. As for how I solve problems, I ask myself a couple questions first. Is this something I can actually solve/fix? If not, ignore and move on. If yes, I just keep trying things until it works. Talking things out almost never actually works, you are wasting time and worry when you could be doing something.

MizterUltimaman · 6 時間前

tldr just read the title.

ill just think of a solution myself. if im really stumped, ill ask my bros.

JustOneVote · 6 時間前

I use root cause analysis.

hankbaumbach · 4 時間前

With a hammer and duct tape.

Seriously, tell me a problem that can't be solved with a plentiful supply of hammers and duct tape.

duho7761 · 4 時間前

I find that if I talk too much about an issue, it is harder to act.

Usually, I trust my gut and then get moving.

After that, I adjust on the fly.

I quote the late Frank Barone: "We'll figure something out in the car. Let's roll."

Kill_Welly · 6 時間前

I think that problems like suicide and depression and PTSD and many other mental health issues among men are so rampant specifically because men refuse to talk about them, because they try to adhere to some archaic standard of masculinity where any problem that can't be physically beaten into submission can't possibly be a real problem, and even considering that it could be would make them weak.

Aargard · 6 時間前

Find thing. Analyze thing. Think about thing. Solve thing.

Getting support in these steps is not a bad thing. Complaining like a little child is.

Talking about a thing is a short term solution for a long term problem. Discussing a thing and trying to come to a solution takes longer but actually works.

Extra fedoratipping: I don't understand how some people go through their lives with the mindset that flinging your shit at every little thing will solve anything instead of dealing with it and making the best of it.

ikara19r · 3 時間前

In fact, there is evidence that excessive talk about one's problems is linked to anxiety and depression.

This part of the reader's comment makes me seething mad. He uses it as a central crux of his fairly convoluted argument, he does not source it, and it is a (weak) correlation posing as causation.

I agree that this issue needs to spoken about, and am glad it was brought up, but I strongly disagree with the OP using this baseless opinion piece as a starting frame of reference.

babodaewang · 8 時間前

I think the only way to get to know yourself is to be reflective and think about it. This does not require talking or going to a shrink. I love taking showers because it's a space where I don't have to hear anyone or anything and can reflect on things. Being a man doesn't mean we can't think or have feelings, but I would agree that there is way too much emphasis on unnecessarily expressing them. How you deal with problems should be dependent on your situation, not your gender. The way I deal with problems with my wife is going to be very different from the way I deal with friends/co-workers or other non-relational problems like finances.

The_Bacon_Bandit · 6 時間前

Answering your first question: sometimes it's difficult to get an objective perspective on your own problems. What I do is take a step back and make a list of all the things that bother me. Then I make a list of all the shit I need to do to rectify the problem. All problems have a goal - resolve the problem. All goals can be broken down into smaller, more manaegable tasks. The overall result is the same.

With regards to the last couple of paragraphs - I have this to say. Don't associate yourself with "pre-feminism man". There's a reason feminism exists, and that's because women have been historically subjugated by men and still are, albeit to a lesser extent now. You don't want to be like a pre-feminist man.

What you do need to do is figure out what you think a real man is and aim to become that. The problem is, with an ever growing female identity, there is an ever shrinking male identity. Everyone's idea of the perfect male identity is different, so there isn't any book that's going to help you I'm afraid.

Griever114 · 6 時間前

I love going through these comments and having my thoughts re-affirmed. It also makes me so happy to be a man :)

AdmiralShark · 5 時間前

Not to echo like crazy but umm... Fix them?

What the fuck else can you do really? If you feel bad figure out why and do something about it. If your leg falls off go to the doctor and get him to put it back on.

The whole talking about a problem when you could instead be doing something about it baffles me. It's like talking about how your back itching makes you feel instead of scratching it. Talking about it is fine if you need to, but don't sit there and bitch about it helplessly. Scratch it, bitch about how that spot was a fucker to reach and move on.

Zediac · 5 時間前

When it comes to solving problems sometimes talking it over it absolutely the correct solution. However, this requires that all parties involved be reasonable and willing to peaceably work toward the same goal.

~~Democracy~~ Diplomacy is the preferred approach, however it is not always an option. Being able to recognize that is a necessary skill.

It's often said that "violence is the last recourse of a reasonable man." I disagree. Sometimes recognizing that ~~democracy~~ diplomacy is not an option and knowing when to use force, even as a first option, is the mark of a reasonable man.

When diplomacy fails, force is required.

How do we solve problems? We recognize the most effective path to the resolution and we do it. Sometimes that absolutely means talking things over. Other time that means getting up and physically making something happen.

Edit - didn't notice autocorrect changed a couple of words on me.

crankypants15 · 5 時間前

Any source that says everyone is exactly the same is going to be wrong. Sometimes psychology does this. "If it's good for the majority it MUST be good for everyone!" That's not how humans work. There might be trends among boys and girls, but there are also exceptions. Individuals need to be treated as individuals, not forced to express their feelings just because it's trendy.

I personally rarely talk about my feelings as it doesn't help me, but I will occasionally. To begin with I simply manage my own stress, negating the need to talk in the first place. I'm an emotionally open, loving person, but talking about problems usually does not help me and does not solve them. I want a solution so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

As a man deciding to step back from the "love" scene, I find myself curious about finding out more about my nature.

After being raped financially by divorce laws, I took control of my life, especially my dating life. That made me feel..content.

For a book, read "Iron John". It's a fictional story about growing up. You might get something out of it. It's not a high-octane adventure story though, so don't expect that. It's about a boy who is abandoned and grows up in the woods and this guy helps take care of him, teaching him how to be an adult, or something like that.

The book is not all new age crap, I thought it was a well-balanced look at being a masculine man, who can also care about others.

TerritorialWolf · 5 時間前

We approach the problem directly and logically.

Women make themselves feel better by dissipating their stress and negative emotions by talking about them and feeling supported and cared for.

Men make themselves feel better by addressing the source (problem) of the distress (with the solution). We can spend an immense amount of time trying to solve the problem. Just look at the famous inventors (Thomas Edison, Wright Brothers, Zuckerburg) to guys you meet everyday (Spending lots of time in the garage trying to fix the damn car, spending a lot of time completing projects at work)

Hope this helps.

kingcal · 4 時間前

I was just talking about this with my girlfriend. I get annoyed whenever people cry about how boys are forced to be "manly" and hide their feelings. Like we're some kind of emotional cripples because we don't constantly wear our hearts on our sleeves.

I get stressed out, anxious, upset, jealous, and everything else, but I don't have the desire to talk about it. It's not because I'll feel emasculated by talking about feelings. I just don't see how talking about it would help. It generally does tend to make me feel worse. If I'm having a hard time at work, talking about work is the last thing I want to do because dwelling on it will just make it worse. Instead, I identify what is causing the problem at work and take actions to rectify it.

stoner4life · 6 時間前

We actually do things to solve our problems not pussy footing around and talking about it

westop · 8 時間前

From my personal experience and the people around me, not from statistics or research, a lot of issues these day are not really the severe depression, suicidal tendencies, or anything that is deep rooted into a person. A bit of social anxiety here and a bit of heartbreak there, those lighter issue can be easily solved internally through self reflection. However, severe issues such as severe depression and suicidal tendencies do require special attention and extra action. Therapy is not just about talking to a therapist, the therapist will generally suggest or encourage certain actions to be taken to help with personal development.

It is unhealthy to just complain or just push down all emotions, however if you reflect upon yourself and take actions to better yourself, a lot of one's personal issues and problems can be solved. I do this through some degree of meditation to sort through my problems. At the same time I know guys who do martial arts and sports to vent out their personal feelings and straighten themselves out. Others create a routine to follow so they will always be able to center themselves. Some do talk to people, to get help to figure things out.

As for morality being more important than feelings. That is debatable, morality is a construct of people, what you should and should not do, morality is constantly changing and evolving. There is the obvious such as do not kill, but even that can be a gray zone, for example in war, in self defense, or even death sentences. Morality keeps us in check in what we should or should not do. Emotions are powerful things, it can control you without you knowing, that is why it is important to be in touch with it so you can know the difference between logic and objectivity versus your own feelings, while still being aware that emotions and feeling do run society. We need then to add a third element of logic, which is also very important as it allows us to think critically and understand things properly.

Someone with the skills of all three are very intelligent and persuasive people. These three are the modes of persuasion, ethos, pathos, and logos, if you have a strong understand of all three, for yourself and those around you, you can control those around you and look objectively at everything including yourself to create actionable steps towards bettering everyone. So you can move yourself beyond your own problems.

Hitleronormative · 5 時間前

Directly. Talking is over-rated and men in particular are discovering this.

awwwwyehmutherfurk · 5 時間前

Well, it depends on what kind of problem it is. If it's a practical problem, like rent, or work, I'll just find a way to fix it.

If its more of an emotional based problem like I'm stressed, confused, angry, sad about something etc I just try to stop, relax, calm myself and think about it. I've always been good at letting things go. I don't hold grudges and try not to beat myself up. I relax, and think "In the grand scheme of things, is this really a big deal?"

Often enough just thinking about it makes me feel better. Let's me get my thoughts in proper order. Hard to explain really.

totesnotkevin · 4 時間前

I learned from my dad and uncle;

There are no problems, only challenges.

Each challenge can be solved in different ways with different outcomes, but some times the challenge is to limit the possible damages.

And don't try to control the world. Handle it.

You can't always choose what happens to you, but you can always choose your reaction.

The first guy to raise his voice in a discussion loses instantly.

-- just some of the first stuff that comes to mind.

UnstableFlux · 4 時間前

Logically.

raziphel · 4 時間前

It depends on the person. Some people find ways to solve them. Some make excuses and hide. Some just externalize their problems and run from them.

"Talking about your feelings" is part of solving internal problems, because you have to know what's going on first before taking action, and sometimes just expressing these things can solve the problem if you do it right. However, it is very contextually dependent: talk alone doesn't fix everything, and sometimes action is necessary too. Talking to the right person makes a huge difference, too. Bouncing stuff off your therapist won't help when you need to talk to your wife, for example.

http://artofmanliness.com covers a lot of good topics. Start there?

ParanoidPotato · 4 時間前

The solution to many problems is apparent. A stiff upper lip and the expression of determination work better than yapping. My motto for problem solving is: Put up or shut up. If I don't face the problem and take care of it, or address the issue that is before me- I voluntarily give up my "right" to piss and moan and bitch about it.

Mental health issues are a horse of a different color though. Those cannot be talked through the same way because the wiring to address them is crossed. In those situations, talking to the RIGHT people is important and everyone should know who the right people are (Protip- it's not a FB status update.) If you don't, start with a general practitioner doctor- any competent one can get you in touch with the right specialists for your needs.

I guess for me, it all comes down to addressing my problem head on or if I need to talk about something- talking to the right person about it, and not just lamenting it. No one else cares about our problems nearly as much as we do.

I don't talk to my mom about my money problems, I don't talk to my friends about my girl problems, I don't talk to the guy at the car parts store about anything other than cars and beer, and I don't talk to my coworkers about my personal life.

People talk too much about their problems versus tackling them head on.

Current_Poster · 4 時間前

Depends on the man, I suppose.

"Without a surplus of bullshit" is what I personally find laudable, but c'mon, there are women who do that too. (I find a hypersensitivity to, basically, 'girl cooties', is not a sign of maturity or confidence.)

However, I do agree, I really don't like discussing my feelings much, at least in cases where it's irrelevant. Which is, frankly, most of the time.

I generally handle things by having something to do.

that_guys_posse · 4 時間前

I'm inclined to agree with what was said about, "Children need to be moral more than in touch with their feelings."
I had a bout with depression and went to therapy and, I learned, that 'getting in touch' with my feelings just left me fixating on them which is not how to deal with things.
In short: I learned to acknowledge my feelings and then keep moving forward and to not dwell on any negative thoughts/feelings. Being productive is what made me feel better; doing good things falls under that.
I remember when I was younger and if my dad could tell I had felt down for a bit he'd come up to my room and say, "Come on."
I'd follow him out and he'd have me help him with something; maybe help change the oil in the car. We wouldn't talk (except about what we were doing) and then he'd hug me, thank me, and tell me he loved me. That was it. It always helped and I felt better doing that than any amount of thinking did.
I think my dad did try to teach me this; it just didn't register until much later that he was trying to teach by showing.

good_morning_magpie · 3 時間前

I'll go ahead and skip the "fix it" that everyone in this thread is mentioning. It's what 99% of us do, so there's enough discussion about it.

Instead I'll talk about those other kinds of problems that can't be solved the traditional ways. The stresses of life, the hearbreaks, the worries...

I have two things that always help me get through those and not necessairily solve what's bothering me, but help me clear my thoughts and maybe address it from a better perspective.

1) I ride my motorcycle. No destination, just hop on and ride. Sometimes I get lost in the skyscrapers and chaos in Chicago where I live, feed off the energy of the city and its millions of residents. Other times I stray out to the back roads of the country, wander through southern Wisconsin, get out to where the moon outshines man made light.

2) Work on my car. I have an old car that is an ongoing frame off restoration. Completely stripped the entire vehicle bare, rebuit every component, even the transmission, and put it back together. Currently going through and making my own wiring harness and then on to paint and body. I know it's not for everyone, but something about the tactile and physical puzzle that is a vehicle and disassembling and reassembling pieces and making it all work...I think it "unclogs" the paths in my brain that are holding me back from addressing whatever it is that is bothering me emotionally.

FlashAttack · 3 時間前

I'd like to share something with you all, and see if there are kindred spirits out there.

My mom and dad are not divorced, however my dad didn't have any real influence into my upbringing. He was/is always working, or busy with other stuff. However, he is a man. He doesn't complain (alot), and he gets the job done when needed. I admire him for it, and aside from the neglect, he is an ok dad. He didn't teach me anything or gave me life-lessons aside from his favorite overly-represented one-liners, but hey whatever right?

As I was saying, I've been brought up almost exclusively by women. My mom being numero uno ofcourse. However, the point of this post is to say that, I feel like I cannot communicate with her anymore. I've grown up too much and my desire to become 'a man' in the eyes of my father and surroundings, outweighs my being able to put with her constant bullshit. See, my mom has this ability to read me like a book. She knows when somethings up but I'm not one for the salving, longwinded chit-chat. When I make it clear to her that it's nothing/not relevant, she sinks her teeth in like a pitbull and won't let go of the argument. If I logically refute her arguments she pulls out the 'ow you're just a teenager' card (even though I'm 20).

Before I 'got out' of puberty, I did talk to her about stuff, but I never feel like doing that anymore. I've got friends and mates to talk about that kind of thing. It's like she's still trying to keep me under her wing, even though my gut tells me that I need to spread my own wings in order to fly. So, does this ever end?

fibonaccipretzels · 3 時間前

Men learn who we are through action, our fears, and our moments of indecision, and then we use that information to both know and improve ourselves.

AnthropomorphicPenis · 1 時間前

If it's a problem, solve it.
If you can't solve it, get someone else to help you solve it.
If it can't be solved, it isn't a problem. Stop thinking about it.

joerobo · 6 時間前

We act. Talk is weak.

SomeCanadianBloke · 4 時間前

Not in the "let's talk about it" or "get in touch with your inner <insert bullshit word here>" way

I think that's unfortunate. Your brain has emotional hardware that's wired such that it can override your rational mind. Your emotions are a tool that should be understood and used, not something that should be denigrated to 'silly girl stuff'.

Expressing feelings is something you encourage people to do who aren't in touch with, and don't understand your feelings. What's the worth of feeling frustrated if you aren't aware of why you're frustrated.

I mean, either way problem solving is essentially the same: Identify the problem and figure out what you can do about it, then take those steps. Since it seems like you're talking about interpersonal problems at least one of those steps is going to involve discussion with another person, so again, emotional intelligence is important.

JerfFoo · 6 時間前

Excessive talk about feelings leads to anxiety and depression.

... What? That's a MASSIVE pile of horse shit.

Guys, talk about your shit. Learn to be a good communicator. I've been working on it for years. My "love" scene/personal relationships are vastly more fulfilling. My friendships are more fulfilling. It rubs off on my friends.

If anyone suggests you should be less "talky," don't ever take their advise on anything ever. It's a ruse. It's the fast-food of self help. It sells well because it's a cop-out "solution" to what should be a complicated and difficult path of growing up. Too many guys use "Well, excessively talking about your feelings doesn't solve anything" as an justification for having absolutely zero communication skills. Don't be that guy.

peps123 · 8 時間前

I don't really have an answer but i can give you my take. Everyone deals with their problems differently , some drink , some confide in others and some keep it pent up inside. I think the important thing is too make sure that which ever way you deal with your problems you should make sure it isn't self destructive. Yeah maybe men shouldn't talk about their problems too much. Personally for me if a problem arises and i personally don't think my own judgement is enough to come up with a solution ill bounce my ideas of someone else maybe get some advice from them, you never know what you could of been blind too. I suppose in summary every one deals with things differently you just need too make sure your not dealing with it in a negative and destructive way.

Triskal_NV · 5 時間前

""It is taken for granted today that all personal troubles can be cured by talking them through."

Ahaha. Hahahahaha. Yeah, right. What a charmed life this fellow must lead, where you can just magically talk your way out of everything. I guess the only reason people get hurt is because they don't try hard enough to talk their way out of it!

"As a man deciding to step back from the "love" scene, I find myself curious about finding out more about my nature. Not in the "let's talk about it" or "get in touch with your inner <insert bullshit word here>" way, but as a pre-feminism man did."

The pre-feminism man didn't give a crap about gender politics.

Balls2dwalls · 5 時間前

I had to look up that "War against boys" to understand what you were referring to. Yeah, I agree that young women generally receive more attention than young men. I don't agree that receiving extra attention necessarily implies any long term advantage. Some times avoiding attention provides greater advantage than receiving it.

My secret identies help solve a lot of possible problems before they can arise.

Mcquiz · 5 時間前

In most cases I do my best to solve them on my own, at rare times I ask for advice or just rant to someone who's there and then I go solve my problems.

RampagingKoala · 4 時間前

With a can of WD-40 and some duct tape. That will fix anything.

Claidheamhmor · 4 時間前

I solve my problems by trying to break them down into smaller parts (if they're overwhelming). Then I try to figure out what I can do about each problem or aspect of a problem; if there's something I can do about it, then I do it or decide not to (and bear the consequences); if not, then I try to not worry about it, since I can't do anything about it.

Where I do find talking useful is in getting different perspectives to my problems, and in getting advice in solving them. Other people may have more experience than I do, or a different way of looking at things.

kingof69ng · 3 時間前

I'm lazy, so I just find the most efficient way to get things done. Chances are if I have a problem with another man. I'll just talk to him and we'll either decide to fix it as it was a misunderstanding or just decide to cut ties with each other.

WiiWynn · 3 時間前

1st question: Duct tape and/our WD-40.

2nd question: visit the website "The Art of Manliness" (on mobile so it's difficult to get actual URL). It's a fun, funny, and has some good articles (e.g. a book list for manly men, or how to shave old school).

ProjectD13X · 2 時間前

I generally start with Google.

jmlinden7 · 1 時間前

Unilaterally

zomboromcom · 1 時間前

There's a lot of "women talk, men do" in this thread, but I will say that, when confronted with something that you both cannot solve and cannot ignore (eg: suffering or death of someone close to you) journaling can be a big help. You get a chance to structure and clarify your thoughts through expression and it can provide invaluable insight on review later, so much so that I'd like to make myself do it when it's not being prompted by some sort of crisis.

MonsieurGrimm · 50 分前

depends if it's a problem in head, or in world.

if it's in world, find a practical solution.

if it's in head, find a pattern of thought which alleviates whatever negative feelings are there. this counts as a solution.

eqdw · 44 分前

I've spent most of my life over-analyzing my anxieties and problems, figuring out my feelings, and communicating them.

This didn't just not work, it made my anxieties 10x worse. The cherry on top is that everyone talks about how great it is for people to be expressing their feelings and shit, but nobody cares about your problems. They don't want to hear it.

How do we solve our problems? Hard to give a meaningful answer except on a case-by-case basis. But in general... we shut up, stop defending our problems as special snowflake aspects of our identity, and just fucking do it

just_lift · 2015-05-12T18:49:16+00:00

Identify the problem. Come up with a solution. Do what it takes to make it happen.

keslehr · 3 時間前

People don't give a fuck about men's problems. We have to solve it ourselves or it goes unsolved.

Sunjammer0037 · 7 時間前

"It is taken for granted today that all personal troubles can be cured by talking them through.

I've never heard anyone say this. Talking about your problems is a great, arguably the best way to solve problems you have with other people, but if it's your own personal problem, talking about them with someone can help you get ideas and advice on how to solve it or just make everything clearer, but it won't actually solve the problem.

In fact, there is evidence that excessive talk about one's problems is linked to anxiety and depression.

That's exactly why I don't really like talking about my negative feelings or problems, it just makes me feel worse, but from what I've seen, I'm the minority, especially among other women. If most women like talking about their issues, it means it makes them feel better, not worse.

"Children need to be moral more than they need to be in touch with their feelings."

What does it even mean? How is morality the opposite of being in touch about your feelings? The only issue I see about "being in touch with your feelings" is if you become too dependent on sharing your problems with other people and expect them to solve your issues for you, but other than that, it has only positives.

I think, besides the "talking aspect", women and men deal with their issues the same way. If, let's say, the issue is that you're broke, you can't solve it only through talking. Women might talk about it more than men, but in the end they take the same steps to solve it.

I think it's most important to get rid of the negative stigma against "talking about your feelings" as something inherently feminine and weak, and let men have this option. If some men just aren't into this and prefer not to discuss their problems or feelings with others, it's fine. There are women like that too. But for those men who do, they should at least have this option. And, judging from the number of suicides by men, it's pretty obvious that the current ways men are allowed to deal with their issues (basically, just try to stiffle them and not seek help from anybody) is not effective for many men. I get it sounds very "manly" to think "Naw, talking about feelings is for women, we men can deal with shit on our own!" (that's the method I prefer myself, so I see the appeal), but it's not always the best way.

terminator3456 · 5 時間前

Is there something that we were not taught by our (mostly) emasculated fathers that we desperately need to learn how to solve our issues as men?

Who is "we"? Speak for yourself here.

sllewgh · 3 時間前

FIX IT

MightyGamera · 2 時間前

Act, engage, take steps forward, take charge, etc.

There's a time to hum and haw and wring your hands about hurt feelings and maybes. Then there's a time to be decisive and act on your own behalf. Because most times no one will act on yours for you.

Sometimes this involves stepping on a few toes but that's just how the world works.

The things you can't fix, try to take steps to minimize the impact on your well-being. Acceptance of the inevitable is a good trait to have.

Pureburn · 1 時間前

We physically solve our problems with solutions.

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